Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

DIRECTED BY

Lam Nai-Choi

STARRING

Fan Siu-Wong - Lik Wong/ Ricky Ho

Fan Mei-Sheng - Assistant Warden Dan

Ho Ka-Kui - Warden

Yukari Oshima - Huang Chung/ Rogan

Tamba Tetsuro - Master Zhang

Frankie Chin - Hai/ Oscar

Koichi Sugisaki - Taizan/ Tarzan

Wong Kwai-Hung - Baishen/ Brandon

Genre - Action/Martial Arts/Supernatural

Running Time - 91 Minutes

Even though this blog is mainly going to focus on horror from now on, I still wanted to tackle a film that’s pretty notorious in bad film circles. I could have gone with MIAMI CONNECTION, or THE ROOM, or even TROLL 2. But as someone who probably hasn’t discussed enough martial arts films, it was only fitting that I would return with thoughts for 1991’s RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY. Based on a manga, my first exposure to this film was through The Daily Show back when Craig Kilborn was the host. Watching a man’s head explode as a recurring joke on the show elevated my interest in this film. Is this the only good part of the film? Is the rest of the film just as nutty as this clip is? After watching RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY a few times, I can honestly say the film is absolutely epic. Dumb as a bag of rocks, but epic nonetheless.

PLOT

In the year 2001, young Ricky Ho (Fan Siu-Wong) is sentenced to a maximum security prison. He has been convicted of murder, stemming from revenge over the kidnapping and death of his girlfriend (Gloria Yip) by opium drug dealers. By his revenge has reason, as Ricky has figured out that the prison warden (Ho Ka-Kui) is the one in charge of the drugs and wants to confront him. Unfortunately, Ricky has to deal with sadistic prisoners and a devious Assistant Warden (Fan Mei-Sheng) who want to torture and kill him for standing up for himself and other prisoners. However these bullies have no idea who they’re dealing with, as Ricky has learnt special techniques that have granted him strong will and super-strength.

REVIEW

HITS

RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is probably one of the most outrageous and goriest movies ever put to film. Like the manga it’s based off of, it’s a comic book brought to life. If you’re expecting good storytelling, top notch special effects, or logic - just look somewhere else. But if you’re a big fan of cheese, then RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is right up your alley.

Like I mentioned earlier. the moment where a head explodes put RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY on my radar as Craig Kilborn kept using it on his version of The Daily Show. I figured that this gore effect was probably the highlight of the film, sort of how the head explosion is the best part of 1981’s SCANNERS. Nothing could top that, right?

WRONG!

Man, where do I begin with how crazy the violence is in RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY? Even after a couple of times watching it, the film still seems to shock and awe me at times. We have various broken noses. We have faces falling into a bed of nails. We have saws rammed into skulls. People are skinned alive. Eyes are poked right out of their sockets. Men are mutilated by a meat grinder. Body parts destroyed by punches right through them. Did I mention people explode? There’s so much going on in terms of gore and violence, that you laugh at it all due to desensitization. If you love 1992’s DEAD ALIVE, TOKYO GORE POLICE, or the EVIL DEAD franchise - then you’ll probably love RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY.

Speaking of laughs, the English dubbing is [in my opinion] the only true way to watch RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY. Every single stereotypical thought you have in your mind about how martial art films are dubbed are correct when it comes to RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY. The heroes are soft spoken. The villains cackle and sound like they need to clear their throats. And probably the highlight of the film - a little boy [who is probably a twenty-five year-old man in a school’s boy outfit] dubbed by a woman pretending to be a child. It’s so terrible that it’s incredibly charming. Sure, you could watch this film with sub-titles and enjoy the okay acting. But the dubbing truly puts RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY in the “so-bad-it’s-good” category for me. 

The special effects aren’t great, but they add to the appeal. It’s obvious that mannequins are used whenever major brutality is brought upon someone. And one character mutates into a Hulk-like creature to hilarious results. But you have to give the film credit for trying to bring a comic book-like visual presentation when it came to the violence and some of the characters. Seeing limbs ripped off and body organs used as weapons adds to the appeal, and the effects look believable enough in this world to not be bothersome. 

It’s helped that director Lam Nai-Choi knows what kind of film he’s making, using the visual style of the film to be the focus over the story. The film moves briskly, not once letting that logic settle in your mind to ruin the experience. You get action scenes, followed by hilarious flashbacks that add to Ricky’s character, followed by more action scenes. You never feel bored. You feel like the film is making you dumber. For a ninety-minute film, it feels a lot shorter. RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY knows it’s schlock, but uses that to its advantage for a good time.

And while you don’t get an elaborate story that creates bold character arcs for our main characters, the simple premise of revenge is really all you need in RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY. We learn why Ricky is arrested. We learn how he gained his abilities. And we learn why he doesn’t just break out of the prison with his super-strength, as he has a reason to stay inside the prison to complete his revenge. Sure, the other characters are cartoonish and are just there to be obstacles for Ricky and/or be lambs to the slaughter. But sometimes less is more. The message is told through the action, not the dialogue. That’s not always a bad thing in terms of a film like this.

MISSES

If anything I wrote above isn’t your bag, then RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is not for you. If you don’t like gore, don’t bother. If you don’t like over-the-top characters, don’t bother. If you don’t like really terribly funny dubbing, don’t bother. If you’re a film snob, why are you even reading this article?

Seriously, RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY won’t be for everyone and it’s not a perfect film. Yes, the film could use more story in terms of the drug sub-plot. Yes, the film could explain Ricky’s powers more. Yes, Ricky could punch out a wall, let the abused prisoners escape, and still get revenge on the Warden [but waits until the end to do that]. RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is not a film that builds upon sense and logic. If you want a great story that you can bite your teeth into, you’re not finding it here. It’s just a gory and violent film, which might upset some.

And I will say that while Lam Nai-Choi does fine with the action sequences and highlighting the violence, he never really builds any atmosphere or tension with RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY. In fact, the set pieces are pretty bland. Yes, the film takes place in a prison, but I think more could have been done with the location. Especially when there are a Gang of Four - one boss in each directional block of the prison. Yeah, we never really go into these different blocks to see how one differs from the other. Yes, this technical stuff is not the point of RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY. But it could have been cool to see more than one section of the prison. 

Also, watching this without the dubbing will probably cause RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY to lose what makes it appealing to many. There are multiple versions of this film - both in its native language and subtitled in other languages; or in its dubbed form. RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is probably an okay film on its own, but the dubbing elevates the film [in my opinion]. Usually the dubbing could be a major hinderance. But since the story for RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is pretty much bare bones, the hilarious voice acting actually provides an upgrade. For those who hate dubbing, I say take a chance this time around. You’d lose something if you didn’t.

THE FINAL HOWL

Even though RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is a hard film to review, it’s not a hard film to enjoy. The story is pointless, the main plot is basic, the acting is second to the hilarious dubbing, and you’re not going to get any logic or character development that’ll make you heavily invested in most of the characters. That being said, what RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY does well, it does extremely well. And what the film does well is showcase over-the-top violence that’s so brutal, you can’t help but laugh at it and wonder if they’ll top it in the next sequence. RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is the perfect example of a “so-bad-it’s-good” movie - made to have you and your friends be entertained while eating popcorn and drinking beer in front of the television for ninety-minutes. Sometimes you’re in the mood of Oscar bait. Other times, you’re in the mood for dumb, mindless entertainment. There’s a reason why RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY is still a favorite for “bad movie” lovers. It knows what it is and proudly shows it off to the point of excessive. If you love splatter, you’ll love RIKI-OH: THE STORY OF RICKY.

SCORE

3.5 Howls Outta 4

Midnight Confessions Ep. 110: "Blaxploitation Month '17 Part 2"

We finish off Blaxploitation month with two films that skewer the genre better than any others; I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA (1988) and BLACK DYNAMITE (2009).

Plus music by: Curtis Mayfield, The Delfonics, Isaac Hayes, Carl Douglas, and Funkadelic. 

Also, just like Anaconda Malt Liquor, this episode will give you wooooooooo!

 

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Midnight Confessions Ep. 109: "Blaxploitation Month '17"

For our 3rd annual Blaxploitation month we're taking a look at two off-beat classics of the genre; THE CANDY TANGERINE MAN (1975) and BLACK BELT JONES (1974).

Music by: Donny Hathaway, Rufus, Dyke and the Blazers, Dennis Coffey and The Brothers Johnson. Solid!

 

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The Midnight Confessions Movie Show #4: Death Machines (1976)

It was reviewed on the podcast last year, but Reverend Phantom and Moronic Mark now do a bit of riff commentary on 1976's DEATH MACHINES. As for the lack of subtitles for Dragonlady's dialogue - well, I'm sure the boys are very sorry about that. Enjoy the show!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

DIRECTED BY
Jonathan Liebesman

STARRING
Megan Fox - April O'Neil
Will Arnett - Vern Fenrick
William Fichtner - Eric Sacks
Alan Ritchson - Raphael
Noel Fisher - Michelangelo
Pete Ploszek/Johnny Knoxville - Leonardo
Jeremy Howard - Donatello
Danny Woodburn/Tony Shalhoub - Splinter
Tohoru Masamune - Shredder
Whoopi Goldberg - Bernadette Thompson
Minae Noji - Karai

Genre - Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Martial Arts/Comic Books

Running Time - 101 Minutes


It's mind boggling to realize that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been around for 31 years now. What started out as an underground comic book by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird would become such a phenomenon for three decades now. Successful multiple cartoon series, toys and merchandising, and even films of various quality have managed to ingrain these characters into the pop culture lexicon.

It was no surprise that someone would come along to reboot a new live-action film for the franchise after TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III in 1993. When it was revealed that "beloved director" Michael Bay would produce a new adaptation under his Platinum Dunes company, boy did the you-know-what hit the fan. It also didn't help when he hired Jonathan Liebesman to direct - the man who brought us DARKNESS FALLS, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING, as well as BATTLE LOS ANGELES and WRATH OF THE TITANS. Then we heard stories that the Turtles weren't going to be mutants at all, but aliens. We also heard that Shredder would be Caucasian instead of Japanese. The casting of Megan Fox as April O'Neil and weird looking CGI Turtles [that looked realistic, mind you] didn't help things either. People had already bashed the film months before the film was released last August. It didn't really matter though, since 2014's TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES made a good amount of money worldwide, securing an eventual sequel in 2016.

The real question is - is this new version of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES as bad as many say? It ended up on multiple Worst of 2014 lists, with critics thinking it was an insult to the original concept and calling it "brainless" and a "waste of mutagen". And although there are some who enjoyed the film, they were pretty much in the minority from what I gathered. I will admit - the negative reviews did scare me away a bit from watching this in theaters. I didn't want that feeling of negativity cloud my judgment of the film, in case it was a good one. So I waited until it hit home video to check it out. And after finally sitting down to judge the film for myself, I can see both sides of the coin. It's not the worst TURTLES film ever. That still belongs to III. But as an origin story to a new adaptation of the characters, there was a whole lot to be desired for me to really like it.

PLOT
The Foot Clan is terrorizing New York City. Channel 6 News Reporter April O'Neil (Megan Fox) is tired of fluff pieces and wants to get the lead on this current crime wave. While investigating the Foot, she encounters them fighting off huge mysterious figures whom she believes are vigilantes. However, this idea makes her the laughing stock at her job.

April eventually follows another lead, causing her to be a hostage of the Foot in a subway station. However, she's saved by her mysterious vigilantes - who just happen to be six feet tall Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When they reveal their names and take her to their sensei, Splinter, April realizes these giant animals were her pets fifteen years prior - given life by a mutagen her father and Dr. Eric Sachs (William Fichtner) had created. When Sachs learns about his experiments being a success, he contacts the Foot Clan's leader Shredder (Tohoru Masamune). Shredder, wanting to control NYC and the rest of the world, wants to release this mutagen throughout the city to make Sachs look like a hero when he saves them with an antidote [for financial reasons, of course]. Unfortunately, the Ninja Turtles aren't pleased by this and decide to fight back.

REVIEW

Good Things: I think the best thing TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES has going for it is the visual presentation. I honestly never thought Jonathan Liebesman was a bad director. He just worked on films that relied on style over substance. TURTLES is one of those films, as there isn't really much to say about the narrative. But looking at the film is great eye candy. And I think Liebesman eye for the material elevates this film to a higher degree than it probably deserves.

I thought the film was well-paced, nicely framed, and even edited well. It never felt longer than the running time, thanks to great action sequences were a lot of fun to watch. The snow mountain sequence [although the geography was a bit iffy - that close to a warmer New York City?] was the highlight for me. It's just over-the-top silliness that kept be mesmerized from beginning to end. And while the final act harkened a bit too much to THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN than necessary - hell, it looked almost shot-for-shot at times - I thought the Turtles vs. Shredder was some cool stuff. I just wish there was more of it. But the visuals are pretty damn neat here.

As for the CGI, it's fantastic. Yes, I would prefer the Jim Henson automatons over any computer generation Ninja Turtles. But damn, the effects were so good, you'd actually believe these mutant characters were really there interacting with the human characters. Yes, the Turtles look a bit strange with their snouts at first. But after a while, I sort of forgot about that and just went along with their new looks. I thought the Turtles looked badass! And Splinter looked cool too. As for Shredder, I loved the nod to his look from the 2003 cartoon series. The villain has never looked better on screen. The motion capture for the CGI characters was close to perfect, and I thought the actors standing in for the characters delivered a ton of personality and amusement. They acted and spoke like what the Ninja Turtles should [although listening to Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo was a bit strange at times]. I appreciated that, as it helped soften the blow to other things I had major issues with.

And I might get hate for this, but I didn't think Megan Fox was that bad as April O'Neil. She's definitely not the best actress in the world, and not my choice to play the character in any adaptation. But for the first time, Megan Fox felt alive on-screen. She's usually in films as eye candy, usually staring blankly while her body does all the talking. Here, you can tell she's excited to be in this film and seems motivated in giving a decent performance for once. It doesn't surprise me, since Fox has claimed multiple times about her obsession with the franchise and how much she loves the Ninja Turtles. She's not the best live-action April O'Neil [my vote still goes to Judith Hoag], but I thought she was very likeable in the role and was a pleasant surprise overall.

And while I had major issues with the film's narrative, I will say that it works just fine for this film and its target audience. It's cliche and recently been done in other comic book origin stories, but kids and teens will probably eat it up since it's simple to follow and to the point. I'm not a fan of the changes to the origin story, but I can respect the screenwriters for wanting to take the franchise into a different direction to separate itself from what's been previously done. It's not for me personally, but I can see why it appealed to so many others since its release.

Bad Things: Like I mentioned earlier, the film's narrative really bugged me. I honestly couldn't feel a connection to TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES because of the changes made to the established story. I respect something different in a new adaptation. But when the changes made subtract to what made the franchise so great to begin with, I begin to have issues with what's done.

It really all starts from the origin story. In the original comics, we all know that the franchise is based around the personal hatred between Splinter and Shredder. Splinter watched Shredder murder his Master Yoshi as a pre-mutated rat, with Shredder scratching Shredder's face in revenge. There was a personal vendetta between the two parties, which would later add the Turtles, who were Splinter's "sons" and would do anything to protect their "father". April O'Neil was their human guide as the Turtles couldn't be out in public without people freaking out, and because that's not the Ninja way either. You felt connected to everything because you understood both the hero and villain side to things, and where all the supporting characters fit in.

Unfortunately, there's no personal connection in this film at all. The story is not about Splinter and Shredder anymore. It's about April and scientist Eric Sachs, who worked with April's father and may have led to Mr. O'Neil's death. The Turtles and Splinter were April's pets in the laboratory, where they were experiments for the mutagen that made them who they are today. Shredder was a mentor to Sachs in Japan, and Sachs wants to return the favor to Shredder by helping him take over New York City for financial reasons. It feels like I'm watching THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN with Peter Parker being connected to everything through his own father, who is connected to Norman Osborn, who is connected to Oscorp, who is connected to all the villains Spider-Man has to face eventually. Make changes to the story all you want, as long as it allows the audience to become invested in it. At least when it happened in THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, the main character was still the focus. Here, it's April who seems to be the main character, with the Turtles being supporting characters in their own movie. If April was a more fleshed out character, which she isn't, it would be okay. It's a shame, because there was nothing wrong with the original origin and it allowed the focus to be where it was supposed to be - on the Turtles, Splinter, and Shredder. Instead, I'm watching the April and Sachs Show - not as interesting.

Speaking of Shredder, what a waste he was here. He looks great and fights like a bad-ass. But he has no personality here and seems more like a henchman to Sachs rather than some crime lord wanting to take over NYC. It's a shame because Shredder is a cool villain with a lot to offer in a Turtles story, as we've seen countless times before. He was just there for me, and Shredder should never be just there in any film with the words NINJA TURTLES in it. At least in the sequel, Shredder will now have a justified personal vendetta against the heroes, which could make the second part of this reboot a much better viewing experience. So maybe everyone involved just wanted to get the set up out of the way in order to tell more fulfilling stories in the next couple of installments. The problem is that you need to make the first part of your story feel just as fulfilling. There's a ton of potential, but we can't really judge and live on potential.

As for the actors besides the motion-capture performers and Megan Fox, they display really uninspiring performances. Will Arnett tries as Vernon, but he didn't do much for me as the comic relief who has a crush on April. Honestly, he came across more creepy than anything. I don't blame Arnett for that. I blame the material really. William Fichtner can play the bad guy role in his sleep, but he didn't do much for me either as Eric Sachs. I appreciate that he played it subtle rather than over-the-top, but it felt bland to me. And Whoopi Goldberg didn't add anything as April's boss. At least she got a good check out of it. And Tohoru Masamune underperformed as Shredder. Then again, he doesn't get much to do outside of action sequences. Hopefully a better script in the second installment will allow these actors to do more and give memorable performances.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE LEARNING NINJITSU FROM A BOOK

- Instead of hard hitting news like the rise of the Foot Clan, April O'Neil is stuck bouncing on a trampoline with a fitness instructor for a news segment. At least Channel 6 News realizes what her best assets are! ...In journalism, that is.

- After seeing the Foot Clan stopped by a vigilante, April sees this as her new story, as she's tired of "froth and foam". Well you had to get your job somehow, April!

- Bernadette doesn't believe April's stones about the Turtles, finding it crazy and hilarious. This is the same lady who encountered aliens on the Enterprise, spoke with Patrick Swayze's ghost, survived both Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and dated a black face Ted Danson. Fuck off, Whoopi!

- The Ninja Turtles are fans of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl". I thought I was supposed to like the heroes of the story? Total B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

- The Turtles enjoy creating their own music while riding in an elevator. Kenny G is suddenly in the mood for some turtle soup...

THE FINAL HOWL
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES was a middle-of-the-road film for me. I thought the film had great visual presence, the motion capture and CGI were done really well, and I didn't mind Megan Fox here too much like I was expecting to. And while the changes in the origin may work for this version of the film, I didn't quite feel a strong connection to it like I did for the original Splinter vs. Shredder origin that most people know and understand. The narrative really bogged down the experience for me due to how cliche and dumbed down it was. And some of the acting and use of characters [especially Shredder] felt uninspired. While I can understand the hate for it, I still thought it was way better than TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III from 1993. But unfortunately, it didn't leave me shell-shocked either.



SCORE

2 Howls Outta 4

Midnight Confessions Ep. 37: "Schlock Fu? Kung Faux? Chop Sucky?"

This week Rev. Phantom, Moronic Mark and I review RAW FORCE (1982), DEATH MACHINES (1976) and BAMBOO GODS AND IRON MEN (1974). Three so-bad-they're-good martial arts turkeys just in time for November.











 

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The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

DIRECTED BY
Stuart Gillard

STARRING
Paige Turco - April O'Neil
Elias Koteas - Casey Jones/ Whit
Mark Caso/ Brian Tochi - Leonardo
David Fraser/ Robbie Rist - Michelangelo
Jim Raposa/ Corey Feldman - Donatello
Matt Hill/ Tim Kellher - Raphael
Vivian Wu - Mitsu
Stuart Wilson - Walker
John Aylward - Niles
Sab Shimono - Lord Norinaga
Travis A. Moon - Yoshi
Henry Hayashi - Kenshin

Genre - Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Family/Martial Arts/Comic Books

Running Time - 96 Minutes


With the new Michael Bay produced TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (2014) being released in theaters in a few weeks, whether you like it or not, I decided to revisit the previous films as a way to catch up with these Heroes in a Half Shell. I've already reviewed the original 1990 film adaptation [still one of my favorites] and its first sequel [cheesy, but fun]. But I was really dreading reviewing today's subject: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III from 1993.

Ugh, I think I may have seen this film only twice - the last time being in the mid-1990s. It's a film whose plot I barely remember other than it involved time travel to ancient Japan. It didn't grab, or appeal, to me like the previous two films had. Like many of my friends who had also seen it, we weren't really impressed by TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III.

But I like to be a completist, so I decided to rewatch this sequel after about 18 years. I wanted to see if the film was as bad as I had remembered, or my thoughts were flawed due to me maturing away from the Turtles at the time and not seeing it for the fun film it actually is. Unfortunately, the film's quality wasn't due to my age, or how I felt about the franchise at the time. To be honest, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a bad film that could have been decent if the producers actually gave a damn about their fanbase.

PLOT
Before going on vacation, April O'Neil (Paige Turco) gives the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gifts, while saving one for Splinter - a strange scepter. Back in 1603 Feudal Japan, a young son of a Japanese emperor (Henry Hayashi) reads an incantation on the same scepter, sending April back in time while sending him to the present. When the Turtles and Splinter realize what happened, the Turtles send themselves back to 1603 Japan to save April. Unfortunately, they find themselves considered demons within a civil war, as they must save a group of villagers against the Japanese Emperor Norinaga (Sab Shimono) and a British weapons dealer named Walker (Stuart Wilson).

Yeah, this is much better than having Dimension X, Krang, Slash, Rat King, or anything else from the franchise that made the Turtles popular!

REVIEW
I have three words for TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

It really pains me to put anything Turtles related into the WTF? Vault. But TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a bad flick that could have been great if the right people were producing it. It's worse when the film actually has positive qualities that are slightly better than the second film in the series. But when you ignore the series' history and all of its characters to randomly do a cliche time travel story that doesn't add much to the franchise, what's the point? Why take this direction instead of giving fans something they're familiar with? I don't get it.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III really fails in terms of its narrative. Now let me just say that I respect that writer-director Stuart Gillard wanted to do something really different from the previous two films. The first film was gritty and felt like a vigilante movie. The second film was more silly and colorful, reflecting more of the cartoon series. The third film is a bit darker than the second film, but feels more cartoonish than that same movie. And with no more Shredder around and the popularity of the Turtles In Time arcade game, that's still a favorite amongst Turtle fans, at the time, I can see why he and New Line would want to do a film like this. It's kind of ambitious and separates itself from anything before it. However, the execution is lazy and flawed, making it pointless at the end.

Instead of going to stories and characters that have already been established in the cartoon and comic book franchise, Gillard decided to send the Turtles back to Feudal Japan for whatever reason. Maybe the budget couldn't allow Gillard to bring Dimension X to life, or afford thousands of rats to make the Rat King epic. And did a pier falling on Super Shredder really kill him? You could have brought him back easily with Krang or something. Hell, judging by the automations of the Ninja Turtles in this installment, the limited budget probably was the reason why fans didn't get the film they wanted. And it's a shame because we're left with a really dumb time travel film that just makes itself look more stupid as the film rolls towards its conclusion.

I think my main issue with the story is that it's in-sequential. What's the point of this movie? Why are the Turtles going back in time? How does this effect their future? Will the events of the story lead into something potentially interesting in a future installment? TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a pointless cash-in sequel for New Line Cinema to hold on to the rights of the franchise. It doesn't really tie into anything that has come before it, or will come after it. Even Casey Jones, who makes a nice return from the first film, does NOTHING here but babysit a bunch of time displaced Japanese warriors. That's the best you can do with the character? Having the same actor play a British dude in the past isn't the same as having him play an important role as Casey Jones. Jones was a highlight of the first film, and a favorite within the franchise. Treating him like he means nothing but fan service is lazy and a missed opportunity.

The Feudal Japan stuff has potential, but ends up feeling like a 90 minute television episode. It's nice to see the Turtles is a new situation, but the film never really does much with it besides the usual slapstick. The Yoshi kid is there for the younger fans to relate to, but he doesn't really do anything of note but make sure the film is longer than 30 minutes by keeping a key component away from the Turtles the entire time. The Mitsu character is the opposite of April O'Neil, in that she can battle and protect herself. But then, she suddenly becomes a damsel-in-distress herself towards the end to give the Turtles something to do. Kenshin is the villain's son, but we never really get time to establish their beef with each other and why Kenshin would use the sceptre. He's just there to change places with April - who by the way is kinda annoying and bitchy here. I guess this was supposed to be a tough April, like in the first film. But she was kind of grating at points.

And the villains are so lame, it's not even funny. Lord Norinaga is supposed to be a bad ass Japanese Emperor, considering how his citizens want to rebel against him. But he's pretty much the supporting character to the other villain, Walker, who's more in control in terms of the situation with the sceptre and the Turtles. By the film's end, Norinaga is just used as a comic relief villain who's nothing more than Walker's bitch. What a waste. As for Walker, he's a much better character. He wants to sell guns to the Japanese so they can win their wars, in order to gain some sort of influence over the nation in the form of commercial imperialism. He has certain spies in the form of heroes in the film that are revealed in the final act. Walker seems to have a plan and just commands a presence that makes him unlikeable. Is he as good as Shredder? No, not even close. But at least I found him as some sort of threat unlike Norinaga. But he's honestly no match for the Turtles, who he considers demons - and he's afraid of them.

As for the Turtles, I do like how they're used in the film. They get to use their trademark weapons again, which was an issue in the second film [parents had complained about the violence in the first], so that was nice to see. Leonardo gets to have a decent sword clash with Norinaga in the final act, which I dug. Him being knowledgeable about swords and weapons was pretty great too. Donatello is still the genius, which he greatly puts to use in the film. He understands the time travel stuff, making him the anchor amongst the protagonists. Raphael grows up a bit here, still displaying his temper at times, but softens when it comes to Yoshi. He grows fond of this kid, telling him to keep his anger in check and just have fun, which shows how much he has matured since the first. Michelangelo is still the silly one, but shows how lonely he is when he wants to stay in the past because he feels more accepted there. Even though the Turtles were loved in the second film, this character shift is a bit strange here. But at least it made Michelangelo more dimensional, which was nice.

But in the end, the narrative is pretty pointless because it doesn't change anything. Nothing is really added and nothing is really subtracted. Sure, there's a happy ending, but we don't know if the same ending would have happened even if the Turtles hadn't went back in time. And why these characters? Sure, I'm glad the producers want to move away from Shredder and the Foot Clan. That's great. But you have so many great antagonists already established within the franchise. Where's Baxter Stockman? Rat King? Krang? Leatherhead? Hell, Usagi Yojimbo would have been cool. It's pretty disapponting because there are so many storylines that could have been adapted to the big screen that would have pleased fans of the series. Yet, they went with a typical time travel story that doesn't do much for anything that has been established before, nor will it change anything that will happen after. What a shame.

The bad one liners, that refer to pop culture, do the film no favors as well. Not only do they date the film tremendously, but they aren't funny either.

The special effects in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III are iffy at best. Unlike the last two films, the automations of the Turtles and Splinter were not done by the Jim Henson's Creature Company. And you can definitely tell the difference. It's not to say the mechanisms are terrible. I think they're a lot better than that Next Mutation show from the late 1990s. But their mouths moves out of sync most of time, and their eyes look like they belong to a Furby than a Turtle. And what happened with Splinter's lower half of his body? I don't think he even had one. He was always hiding behind objects the entire time. It's a shame because the first two films had such high quality automations. The third film has decent ones, but the difference is jarring at times.

The direction by Stuart Gillard is pretty mixed. The cinematography is really the film's saving grace, visually. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a great looking film, with some nice period costumes that look legit, and scenery that really makes you think they're in Feudal Japan. The colors are nice and the framing is crisp. Other than that, the film doesn't have much style or substance going for it. Even the fight scenes seem dull and uninspiring at times. It's a shame because a time travel story should feel and look more epic. Gillard doesn't do that.

The acting is the best part of this sequel. The voice actors are all great, including a returning Corey Feldman [who skipped the second film] as Donatello. Paige Turco, while annoying at times in terms of how her character is written, does better this go around as April O'Neil, bringing back the spunk that Judith Hoag has given us in the first film. Elias Koteas is the best actor as both Casey Jones [which he's there for fan service] and the British Whit. Koteas has always been one of my favorite character actors, and he's giving it his all here. I also liked Stuart Wilson as Walker as well, playing a slimy villain well. The rest are fine in their roles. It's a shame they weren't in a better film than this.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE TIME TRAVELING TO 1993 TO STOP THIS FILM FROM BEING PRODUCED

- When she teleported through the ancient Japanese scepter, April O'Neil had switched with Kenshin, who had read an inscription in his time. 1993 was real progressive and ahead of its time when it came to sex changes.

- Walker wanted April to shrink him to prove that she was a witch. Cold water usually does the trick.

- "Dung is used as a fuel source." Must explain how this film was produced.

- April was stuck to a tree when her sleeve was stuck via arrow. Hopefully she uses birth control, since it's obvious she doesn't understand the concept of "pulling out".

- Michelangelo had to save Yoshi from a burning shack. Mario and Luigi are great plumbers, but terrible babysitters.

- "Turtles - it's not just a job. It's an adventure." Blogging about this film is just a job. Oy.

- Witt is paid to lie, cheat, and steal. Viva la raza?

THE FINAL HOWL
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a total disappointment of a sequel. The story is just lazy and eventually pointless, as our heroes go back in time to face characters hardcore fans will not recognize. I respect wanting to do something new, but it's disappointing not seeing a villain fans would have been anticipating other than Shredder. The one-liners are terrible. The fight sequences are uninspired. And the automations for the Turtles and eventually Splinter are just jarring and inferior to anything that came before it. I get the producers wanted to cater this film for the widest possible audience. But it just turns the audience away. If it wasn't for the beautiful picture quality and the acting, this film would be a complete bomb. Fans have, or will, check this out regardless. But they, and everyone else, should just stick with the first two and skip the third. It's just not worth the trouble going back in time for.

SCORE

1 Howl Outta 4

Midnight Confessions Ep. 6 - "Enter the Cuckoo's Nest & Get the Glow"

This week Rev. Phantom and Fred The Wolf review GYMKATA and THE LAST DRAGON as well as go over our 'Top 5 Action Stars of All Time'. Now kiss our Converse, you jive coolies!



 

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The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Street Fighter (1994)

DIRECTED BY
Steven E. de Souza

STARRING
Jean-Claude Van Damme - Colonel William F. Guile
Raul Julia - General M. Bison
Ming Na Wen - Chun Li Zang
Byron Mann - Ryu Koshi
Damian Chapa - Ken Masters
Wes Studi - Victor Sagat
Kylie Minogue - Lieutenant Cammy
Peter Navy Tuiasosopo - Edmund Honda
Andrew Bryniarski - Zangief
Grand L. Bush - Balrog
Roshan Seth - Dhalsim
Jay Tavare - Vega
Miguel A. Nunez, Jr. - Dee Jay
Robert Mammone - Carlos "Charlie" Blanka

Genre - Action/Science Fiction/Martial Arts/Video Games

Running Time - 101 Minutes


Back when arcade machines were still popular, I don't think I spent more quarters on any game as I did on Street Fighter II. Capcom's premier fighting game was, and still is, an addictive button-mashing fun time. I'm not sure how much money I spent playing Street Fighter II at the arcades. I loved feeling that accomplishment of trying to get to M. Bison, when all of a sudden another player would step in and kick my ass. Bastard. But thankfully, I was able to buy Street Fighter II for the Super Nintendo, as well as Street Fighter II: Championship Edition, as well as Street Fighter II: Turbo. I was kind of obsessed with fighting games in general, but Street Fighter II was my jam. Hell, I still enjoy these games, although I prefer IV over Third Strike and Alpha.

With anything that captures the culture's attention, Hollywood has to stick their unnecessary nose in and try to milk it through some film franchise. We saw it in 1993 with SUPER MARIO BROS. [sigh]. We still see it now with all those RESIDENT EVIL movies [guilty pleasures]. But in the 1990s, the video game film adaptations weren't really known for their quality. To be honest, 1995's MORTAL KOMBAT is probably the only highlight during this era - and sadly, it's still one of the better adaptations out there next to probably 2001's TOMB RAIDER, 2006's SILENT HILL, and maybe a couple of those RESIDENT EVIL films. In 1994, STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE was made to capitalize on the fighting game craze by attempting to bring those classic characters to life on the big screen. Unfortunately, the stars were not aligned for this adaptation, probably creating one of the most hated 90s films of all time. And 20 years later, I can honestly say that time has not been kind to this film. But hey, it's better than the game that was created from this, as well as the 2009 reboot STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI. So it's got that going for it!

PLOT
It seems world peace is being threatened by an evil dictator named General M. Bison (Raul Julia). However, there is hope - a military task force led by Colonel William Guile (Jean Claude Van Damme) and his lieutenant Cammy (Kylie Minogue) plan to do whatever it takes to overthrow Bison's tyranny. But things get personal when Bison takes Guile's best friend, Charlie (Robert Mammonne), and others hostage - threatening to kill them if the Allied Nations don't pay him a multi-million dollar ransom. The A.N., fearing what Bison will do, relieve Guile of his duties so they can pay the ransom. But Guile wants to finish what he started. Enlisting Ryu Hoshi (Byron Mann) and Ken Masters (Damian Chapa) to infiltrate Bison's organization by gaining Victor Sagat's (Wes Studi) trust, Guile wants to take out Bison from the inside. With the unwanted help of ace reporter Chun-Li Zang (Ming-Na Wen), Guile and Cammy plan on defeating Bison once and for all.

REVIEW
I have three words for STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Seriously, STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE is just a bad film on almost every level. While the game itself isn't really deep in terms of story, a decent-to-good movie could have been created out of this successful fighting game franchise. Instead, we get a script that has nothing to do with the game itself besides the character's names. We also get bland direction, strange casting choices, and just an overall feeling of "what in the hell did I just see?" I honestly can't think Capcom had any sort of say in this project. If they did, then I question their sanity. But then again, I'm sure huge sums of money will cure any sort of temporary mental illness.

Out of all the bad things I mentioned, I think it's the story itself that bums me out the most. One of the big reasons for that is that this screenplay was written by the man who directed this film, Steven E. de Souza. While not many may know him for his directing skills, many will know the man for writing some of the best action films out there. This man wrote 1985's COMMANDO, 1987's THE RUNNING MAN, and the first two DIE HARD films (1988 & 1990). He also wrote 1995's JUDGE DREDD, but that's a film I'd like to forget too. Still, how can a man who wrote so many great action flicks write such an insipid piece of crap like STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE? Did the studio interfere? Was the budget compromised or something? Or did de Souza only care about a check at this point in his screenwriting career? I honestly can't say, but something just didn't click here.

Now like I said, the Street Fighter games aren't really known for their epic stories. But by playing them, you do know who the characters are, their motivations, and even their backstories when it comes to other characters in the game. MORTAL KOMBAT proved that you could turn a fighting game into a pretty fun film if you research the game enough and manage to at least maintain the essence of the franchise. I'm not expecting the game to exactly play out on film like it would on a console. But when I'm watching a Street Fighter movie, I expect to watch it feeling as if the filmmakers knew exactly what film they were inspired by. Honestly, I think de Souza was given a bad Cliff Note's version of what the game was and decided to write his film based on that.

The fact that the main character here is Guile instead of Ryu is the story's biggest misstep. Guile was most likely picked because he's an American character that represents the military. So obviously, in terms of Hollywood storytelling, he has to be the action hero. And I'm sure many players used Guile since he had the easier move list to use [performing both the Sonic Boom or the Blade Kick didn't hurt on the hands]. But the thing is that Ryu is really the main character of the Street Fighter games. He's been in the franchise since the first Street Fighter and he's probably the most popular of all the characters in the franchise. He's also a more interesting action character than Guile is. Instead of doing the story that de Souza did, why not a BLOODSPORT-type deal where Ryu goes through some sort of tournament where he fights characters in the streets to get to his main adversaries, Sagat and M. Bison? It may not be the most thrilling story, but it would be more faithful to the game than this film turned out to be. Hell, it probably would have been better received as well!

Instead, we have to watch a stereotypical good vs. evil battle where our American hero must defeat a foreign villain who plans on taking over the world. Yawn. But even films of this type can be good and interesting. Instead, de Souza threw a bunch of shit to a wall and decided to connect the stains to write this ridiculous script. I mean, he couldn't even get the backstories right! Chun-Li is a journalist instead of a cop? E. Honda is a TV producer? Balrog is a camera man? Ken and Ryu are ARMS DEALERS??? Who the fuck thought audiences would accept these changes? Don't even get me started on Charlie, or Blanka, or whatever this monstrosity was. Instead of having Blanka be born a monster and create a sympathetic backstory for him, we have Charlie [who is a separate character in the Street Fighter games] be transformed into Blanka through the use of chemicals and a Virtual Boy depicting violent acts to corrupt his brain. Now I know where the inspiration to BATMAN & ROBIN's Bane came from. God, what was de Souza smoking while writing this film? This isn't Street Fighter! Where's the tournament? Where's the fighting? Hell, where are the streets??

It also doesn't help that STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE seems to play out like some sort of joke. It's cheesy as hell, with silly one-liners and moments that make you laugh rather than thrill you. It plays out like a cartoon, when it should play out a bit more seriously. Yes, MORTAL KOMBAT had its campy moments as well, but it also had a script that knew when to be serious. This just seems to play out as a spoof to the video game. Sure, the characters are pretty silly if you think about it, but don't insult the fans by making a mockery of their favorite game.

Also, the story is just pretty bland. All the fighting is saved until the last 25 minutes really, and none of it is done in the streets. Hell, we get a GODZILLA moment between E. Honda and Zangief that just made me roll my eyes in embarrassment. But at least that was memorable compared to the dull second act, in which characters just walk around, and blurt out expository dialogue to explain their actions. It's as if this was setting up the film rather than the first act, which at least had some action to kind of keep you somewhat engaged. This whole script was backwards. I don't know what else to really say about it.

Okay, I will say that the dialogue is cheesy enough to make you chuckle. It also helps when you miscast actors for certain characters, making the dialogue stand out more for all the wrong reasons. Jean-Claude Van Damme, in particular, is playing an American character who must recite motivating speeches to his fellow actors. Watching Guile butcher the English language is pure entertainment every time. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? At least it humored me and made me want more of Guile's hard-to-understand dialogue. And I gotta give credit to de Souza for at least inserting certain dialogue from the video game itself. It's just that the film should have been more of a faithful adaptation of the game - if not in story, at least in essence and feel.

Since the game is known for the characters' special moves, you'd think the $35 million budget would allow for recreations of these moves in live-action form.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...

I'm sorry. I shouldn't joke like that. You'll barely see any of those moves recreated. Guile does do his Blade Kick. M. Bison does levitate and cannonball himself into people [although the way he does it is cheap - magnetic boots really?]. And I think I barely saw Ryu perform a Whirlwind Kick. And was that weak uppercut Ken's Dragon Punch?

Where did all that money go? Jean-Claude Van Damme's secret bank account for hookers and coke?

Seriously, the characters barely do anything that resembles a Street Fighter game. With a budget that high, we should have seen more than we actually do. Instead of having shit explode and wasting cash on a Virtual Boy, we should have gotten some special effects bonanza with characters beating the crap out of each other. At least MORTAL KOMBAT made it up for us a year later. But STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE should have done it first.

The direction by Mr. de Souza is just as bland as they come. There's no real style at all in this film. It's competent for what it is, but it's not exactly a very exciting or thrilling film to watch. In fact, it drags a bit and probably should have been 15 minutes shorter. And the action is pretty bad, not gonna lie. The choreography just wasn't there for me. For a film about fighting, you'll be severely disappointed. I do appreciate that when we see characters bust out their special moves, he doesn't really cut away from it. The film does look pretty nice as well, with some great sets and exteriors that are eye candy. And I love that last shot where the characters do that pose all at once - poses taken right from the game when a character wins a round. The visuals have their moments every now and then, but the direction is pretty uneventful for the most part.

The acting - man, what can I say about the acting? Jean-Claude Van Damme probably ruined his status in America starring in this movie. Surprisingly, I don't really blame him totally for it. Yes, he was terribly miscast as Guile - an actor with an BELGIUM accent playing an AMERICAN character - really? But I'm sure he got a big check for the role, and who wants to turn down money like that - especially in 1990s dollars? Seriously though, Van Damme seems to be going through the motions here. Van Damme is a charismatic guy, but this role worked against him. The dialogue he recites is not only silly, but makes the fact that he's playing a full-blooded American even more ridiculous. His heart just doesn't seem to be totally into it. Maybe he realized the script sucked and just said "fuck it". I'm not really sure. Still, terrible casting.

Raul Julia, in his last film role before his tragic passing, is probably one of the highlights as M. Bison. He may not look like the character all that much in terms of build, but at least Julia seems to be having a ball acting as over-the-top as possible. It's been said that he knew he was really sick, but took the role anyway because his children were fans of the video games. I can't hate on Julia for that, as he wanted to make his kids smile. While the script worked against him, at least Julia tries to make it work and seems to be having fun. Nothing wrong with that. He entertained me.

The other actors are a mixed bag. Ming-Na Wen is actually very good as Chun-Li, seeming to embrace the silliness of the film and making the character somewhat captivating. I think she had the best material to work with as well, which worked for her. Nice to see her still around, as I think she's a pretty good actress in whatever she's in. Pop star Kylie Minogue looks the part as Cammy and has the lovely Australian accent to make her role work. Plus, I can't hate on Kylie. She's hot and I dig her music too. So there. It was kind of funny to see Miguel A. Nunez attempting a Jamaican accent as Dee Jay, as well as Andrew Bryniarski as Zangief [I thought Bryniarski was pretty amusing as the clueless Russian henchman]. Wes Studi looks the part as Sagat. Byron Mann played a character named Ryu with a script not allowing him to actually play that role. Damian Chapa had a better role as Ken Masters, although it could have been better. The other actors did the best they could with the material, I guess. The casting of this movie still makes me scratch my head though.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE REALIZING YOU ARE NOT MAN ENOUGH TO FIGHT WITH ME

- Ryu and Ken are involved in the arms trading business with Sagat. I'd like to use a weapon on whoever thought this was the best idea for all three of these characters.

- Vega versus Ryu's cage fight ended before it got started thanks to Guile barging in with a tank to arrest everyone. Unlike the UFC, this fight was not worth breaking your leg over.

- Bison wants to create a super soldier to help him fight the good fight. Steve Rogers is thanking the Stars and Stripes he got his serum decades prior.

- Guile faked his death to trick Bison into lowering his defenses. If only he was able to fake an American accent in the same manner.

- E. Honda feels no pain in being whipped. Neither does Kanye West. #DATASS

- Guile delivered a stirring speech to get his team to fight Bison. Or I think he did. He's still on the advanced class on his Rosetta Stone tapes, so I'm not sure.

- Dhalsim turned Charlie into a green skinned monster who is supposedly Blanka. Lou Ferrigno is laughing his ass off.

- Cammy is an expert marksman. When that bullet hits your brain, you can't get it out of your head.

THE FINAL HOWL

What more can I really say about STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE that hasn't been said? Besides a few silly moments that will make you laugh for all the wrong reasons [an American with a Belgium accent, really?], some actors who try to make the story work, and some attempts to bring the video game to life [if you can get that far into the film before turning it off], this video game adaptation is just terrible. I still have trouble believing the man who wrote COMMANDO and DIE HARD wrote and directed this. I still have trouble figuring out why Jean-Claude Van Damme was hired to played Guile. I'm still wondering where the $35 million budget went [it sure wasn't for the special effects].

Is it the worst video game adaptation? No, not even close. I would rather watch this than that LEGEND OF CHUN-LI reboot from 2009, plus many of those Uwe Boll adaptations. But it's a badly made adaptation no matter how you look at it. STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE is not worth performing a Hadouken for. Time has not been kind to this one.



SCORE

1 Howl Outta 4