"We Wish You a Turtles Christmas" (1994) [A ShitMas Post For Shit Movie Fest]

** Part of 2016's Shit Movie Fest's ShitMas celebration **

Another year, another ShitMas celebration here at Shit Movie Fest. I haven’t been the most festive person around this time of year for the past few years. I haven’t watched any Christmas movies that are meant to bring the joy and spirit of the holiday in my heart. I haven’t listened to Christmas music that will make me feel jolly. I’ve been watching holiday horror films that show us the dark side of Christmas to match the blackness of my heart. Bah humbug.

Speaking of “bah humbug”, I decided to torture myself this Christmas by watching the infamous “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” special from 1994. Just when I thought the worst thing about Christmas was watching Alpha-5 and Zordon kidnap children to decorate the Command Center for the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers, I stand corrected after watching this shell-shocking Christmas special. Cheap looking costumes, terrible Christmas interpretations, and terrible direction and narrative - Santa is taking a giant dump on my Merry Christmas.

“We Wish You a Turtle Christmas” begins with the Ninja Turtles singing about who they are and the ninja things they do. Or at least I think they’re singing since the giant Turtle mouths are either moving way too much to be in sync, or not moving at all. I guess the Ninja Turtles must have learned telekinesis since the last time I watched any of their adventures. Then after a minute of thrilling credits involving white lettering in front of a black screen, we’re treated to our first musical number.

The Turtles decide to welcome us with a rendition of “Deck the Halls”, reggae style. Right away, I start having suicidal thoughts. Even before the song, the Turtles are speaking with stereotypical New York accents. Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro are offended by this portrayal of New Yorkers. Then the song starts and Leonardo is suddenly Jamaican! Bob Marley is rolling in his grave now. Speaking of the song, Leo wants to “deck the halls with pepperoni”.

What the fuck does that even mean??

During the song, Donatello asks Leo where his present is. Leo responds by not telling him. The Christmas Spirit, ladies and gentlemen! Leo ends the song by choking himself with his Christmas lights, which would have been my Christmas gift if Leo had actually succeeded in the act. Then again, it’s ShitMas.

After the first song ends, Raphael claims that their Christmas shopping is over. Thank God. That means this special is ov—- oh crap, they didn’t get Splinter a present. Eighteen more minutes of this, oh joy! The Turtles claim that stores close at 5pm, so they better hurry up and get Splinter something.

When in the actual fuck do any stores close at 5pm on Christmas Eve?? My brain hurts…

So to the tune of “Over the River and Through the Woods”, we get a “wonderful” rendition with the Turtles singing “Up Through the Sewers and to the Streets” with the Turtles’ mouths not moving at all. They’re Professor Xing my ass and I don’t like it. It leads right into another song that begins with street kids playing music on random objects. Then over and over and over and over and over and over again, the Turtles sing that they “Gotta Get a Gift for Splinter”.

You know, maybe if they started singing less and actually started shopping, I would be in less pain right now.

Anyway, Leo suggests a few gift ideas for Splinter:

• A bowling ball.

• Some ice skates.

• Sweater and neck tie.

• Go kart.

• Earmuffs.

And my favorite bit - a set of golf clubs, to which Donatello claims Splinter isn’t athletic enough for those.

WHAT!!??

He’s a Ninja master and he’s NOT athletic enough??? FUCK YOU, DONNIE.

The Turtles finally make it to the surface, claiming there are only 2 hours left for shopping. Are you serious? How long did all that sewer travel and singing take? I can’t even. And when do the Turtles just start walking in the streets in broad daylight without people freaking out? Out of nowhere, Michelangelo decides that it’s time for some opera singing. I will say that this is honestly the best part of this terrible special, since the song and the singing is actually quite nice.

But you know what happens when something good happens in this special? The rest of the Turtles shit all over it. Mikey’s brothers hate the song and his singing! Yeah, because their terrible crap was better. Mikey is me and the rest of them are this current generation who believe that “Panda” song is quality musicianship. And I don’t know… maybe if they hate Mikey’s singing so much, they could just walk away from the song and actually do some shopping! Just a thought, I guess. 

The Turtles claim they only have an hour left to shop, which makes me question whether these Ninja Turtles actually understand how time works since the song was only 3 minutes. Anyway, we have a terrible montage of the Turtles buying Splinter gifts. This leads us to another song called “Wrap Rap”. 

Get it? This pun is so hilarious, it must have been written by a current writer for Saturday Night Live. Leo raps about wrapping gifts for like 2 minutes, which is 5 minutes longer than this song had any right being. Started from the sewers and now we here, yo. The Turtles wish each other good night, giving me hope that they’ll never wake back up.

Unfortunately, Christmas arrives and some furry creature greets them as the Turtles exchange presents. This creature does look and sound kind of familiar….

Oh my God, what have they done to Splinter?? He looks like a wet possum!

Splinter decides to sing about the “12 Days of Christmas”, and I start wishing I had 12 different weapons to end my life. What did they give this poor rat, by the way?

12 April O’ Neill autographs. (Because he’ll get a penny each for each one on eBay)

11 pairs of sneakers (Every rat needs a pair of Jordans)

10 yellow Yo-Yos (Is… Is that racist?)

9 narrow neck ties (Is Splinter going to a fancy dinner soon? WTF?)

8 chopsticks (Okay, that’s definitely racist)

7 silk kimonos (For when Splinter entertains a lady friend)

6 frisbees (I thought he wasn’t athletic?)

5 video games (I wish I was playing video games right now instead of writing about this)

4 manhole covers (Now that’s just fucking stupid)

3 skateboards (I love it when people buy things for themselves when buying for others)

2 comic books (Well they are expensive these days)

1 pizza with pepperoni (I hate this damn special)

I love that at one point, Splinter forgets the lyrics and just moves the show along. Even he’s sick of this Christmas special. Leo even comments about the song being the longest ever. Now it’s being self-aware. Too late to impress me with your meta ways, Turtle Christmas.

And why are there like 5 kids in the sewers with Splinter and the Turtles on Christmas Day anyway? Oh God, they watched “Alpha’s Magical Christmas” and decided kidnapping children was a Christmas tradition! NAMBLA had destroyed this commercial holiday for 90s children everywhere!

Splinter thanks the Turtles for the gifts, but reminds them that the holiday is about sharing and being with those you love. So Splinter pretty much negated the entire premise of this special, as well as reminding me that I don’t love myself for watching this piece of crap. They then sing “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas”, but I’m too busy drinking myself to a stupor to care by this point.

Look if you’ve seen “We Wish You a Turtle Christmas”, you know how terrible it is. It won’t bring you Christmas cheer. It’s a waste of 23 minutes. Terrible songs. Insulting New York stereotypes. The costumes are awful. It’s one of the worst Christmas specials ever. For those who hate those Michael Bay produced films, watching this will change your mind on those movies. Even the Shredder avoided appearing in this, which should tell you something right there. Avoid like the plague and burn this alongside your Yuletide log. ShitMas at its finest. Or worst, depending on how you look at it.

[When Wrestlers Act] Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (2016)

DIRECTED BY

Dave Green

STARRING

Megan Fox - April O’Neil

Stephen Amell - Casey Jones

Pete Ploszek - Leonardo

Alan Ritchson - Raphael

Noel Fisher - Michelangelo

Jeremy Howard - Donatello

Will Arnett - Vern Fenwick

Brian Tee - Oroku Saki/ The Shredder

Tyler Perry - Dr. Baxter Stockman

Stephen “Sheamus” Farrelly - Rocksteady

Gary Anthony Williams - Bebop

Tony Shalhoub - Splinter (voice)

Brad Garrett - Krang (voice)

Laura Linney - Police Chief Rebecca Vincent

Genre - Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Science Fiction/Comedy/Comic Books

Running Time - 112 Minutes

PLOT

A year has passed since the Ninja Turtles saved New York City from the evil Shredder (Brian Tee) and the Foot Clan. Although the Turtles would love to live amongst the public, they know humans will fear them - allowing April O’Neil’s (Megan Fox) cameraman Vern Fenwick (Will Arnett) take the credit and making him a citywide hero. As they continue to wait in the shadows in case more people need saving, April lets them in on the fact that the Foot Clan is planning on breaking out Shredder from prison with the help of scientist Baxter Stockman (Tyler Perry). Even though the Turtles try to stop the escape, they’re shocked to see that Shredder has managed to teleport himself out of danger. This teleportation leads Shredder to Dimension X, where he meets Krang (Brad Garrett) - a slimy alien who wants to rebuild the Technodrome and conquer Earth with the help of Shredder. Shredder has also come across a canister of ooze - the same ooze that turned the Turtles into the humanoids that they’re now become - using it to turn Bebop (Gary Anthony Williams) into a giant warthog and Rocksteady (Sheamus) into a giant rhinoceros. Joined by suspended corrections officer, now vigilante, Casey Jones (Stephen Amell), the Turtles and April plan on stopping Shredder and Krang from achieving their devious goals.

REVIEW

• TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS was a film that left me feeling nostalgic since it resembled the late-1980s original cartoon with its childlike charm, silly action, and an abundance of characters who have finally made their cinematic debuts after five cinematic adaptations. A much better film than the 2014 reboot, OUT OF THE SHADOWS is a sequel that gets the origin story out of the way and is allowed to be over the top and build its own legacy away from previous adaptations. I’m not saying the script is fantastic or anything, but the characters felt and acted like the characters who I remembered. And the actual premise reminded me of a few cartoon episodes where the Turtles, April, and even Casey Jones would try to stop Shredder and Krang from taking over the world. The screenplay was written for children in mind, but it didn’t feel like it was insulting older fans who would be familiar with these characters either. It was colorful and energetic - which I liked more than I really wanted to.

• Speaking of the characters, how cool is it to finally see some of these characters in a live-action feature for once? No offense to THE SECRET OF THE OOZE’s Tokka and Rahzar, but finally getting Bebop and Rocksteady as Shredder’s dumb lackeys put a smile on my face. And they acted pretty closely to their cartoon counterparts. Same with Krang, who I wish was in the film more, but I enjoyed what was done with him. Even Shredder, who felt out of place in the previous film, was much better characterized and actually given purpose and motivation this time out. Baxter Stockman was alright, although I have a feeling he’ll get more of a substantial role in the next film. Casey Jones was a nice addition to the story, being given cool moments in the film - especially towards the end. And the Turtles were pitch perfect, with each one getting their own character moments and acting very faithful to how audiences expect them to be.

• The direction by Dave Green was a step up from what Jonathan Liebesman did in the 2014 reboot. While still stylish and definitely a Michael Bay produced product [EXPLOSIONS!! ACTION!!], the sequel felt a bit more grounded and focused than the previous installments. Scenes flowed a lot better. The tone was more consistent. And for the most part, the visuals were slightly improved. Unlike Liebesman, it felt like Green knew exactly how he wanted to visually tell this story, as you can tell he was a fan of the original cartoon. The direction won’t win awards, but I thought Green showed some confidence behind the lens.

• I liked the action sequences here. The Turtle Van/prison escape sequence had some cool moments, especially seeing the Turtle Van in action for once. The river sequence in Brazil matched the snow sequence in the previous film, with some nice visuals. The Krang sequence was also cool, as watching the Technodrome almost form into completion was pretty nifty. I think the film could have used more action really, but what we do get is memorable.

• The acting is slightly improved from the previous film. All the voice actors for the Turtles are great, as they capture the personalities of each one. Megan Fox is Megan Fox. She didn’t bother me, so I guess she was okay. Will Arnett is fine as Vern. Stephen Amell was charismatic as Casey Jones, playing the role more lighthearted than Elias Koteas did in the older films. It was great seeing him not play Oliver Queen. Gary Anthony Williams and WWE wrestler Sheamus do very well as Bebop and Rocksteady. They may have played the characters a bit too dumb, but I found them both likable in their roles. Tyler Perry is extremely hammy as Baxter Stockman, and I found his performance to be a mixed bag at times. Brian Tee doesn’t really get to do much as Shredder, but he’s more suitable here than he was in the last film. And Brad Garrett was cool as Krang. Neat cast that makes the most of what they’re given.

• Even though OUT OF THE SHADOWS is a better film than the 2014 film, it still has issues. The special effects still look odd to me. Honestly, nothing beats the practical effects of the 1990s films for me. The characters look how they’re supposed to, but I guess they feel a bit too cartoony for me. That’s the modern age of big budget films for you, I guess.

• OUT OF THE SHADOWS also introduces too many new characters, really limiting the necessary screen time for the newer folk. Baxter doesn’t get more to do than just act like a prototype mad scientist. Bebop and Rocksteady get more to do, but miss a chunk of screen time in order to highlight other characters. Even the meeting of Shredder and Krang seems a feel too easy and too quick, as their union only seems to be at play since fans would expect the alliance. And Krang disappears for much of the film, only really having a major presence during the final act. Plus other characters, like Police Chief Rebecca Vincent only come across as idiotic, denying the presence of mutated creatures even though she sees them with her own two eyes. I’m glad to see that Platinum Dunes wants to do some great fan service to make up for their previous reboot. But cramming so much into one film only proves that less is sometimes more.

• OUT OF THE SHADOWS is also a film that’s more style than substance. Yes, many audiences aren’t expecting something deep in a film involving the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But the 1990 adaptation proved that you can do a Turtles film with heart and soul, while catering to all audiences in an intelligent manner. I wasn’t expecting much out of this film and I had fun with the fluff and goofiness of it all. And while it was a bit more mature than the previous film, with themes of “wanting to fit in”, I don’t think younger audiences would be turned off by more substance. Especially judging by the success of the 1990 film that lasts even until today.

THE FINAL HOWL

I know some people are hating on it, but I had fun with TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS. It’s a definite improvement over the 2014 reboot, resembling the original cartoon to create a nostalgic effect for older audiences, while re-introducing younger fans with characters many of us grew up loving. Dave Green’s direction is confident. The acting is mostly solid. The action works. And while the special effects are still behind the practical effects used for the series in the 1990’s, I’m sure children will love the colorful characters. OUT OF THE SHADOWS doesn’t cater to my audience, but I still found things I got a kick of. Sue me, but I dug this for the most part. Probably my guilty pleasure of 2016 so far.

SCORE

3 Howls Outta 4

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

DIRECTED BY
Jonathan Liebesman

STARRING
Megan Fox - April O'Neil
Will Arnett - Vern Fenrick
William Fichtner - Eric Sacks
Alan Ritchson - Raphael
Noel Fisher - Michelangelo
Pete Ploszek/Johnny Knoxville - Leonardo
Jeremy Howard - Donatello
Danny Woodburn/Tony Shalhoub - Splinter
Tohoru Masamune - Shredder
Whoopi Goldberg - Bernadette Thompson
Minae Noji - Karai

Genre - Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Sci-Fi/Martial Arts/Comic Books

Running Time - 101 Minutes


It's mind boggling to realize that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have been around for 31 years now. What started out as an underground comic book by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird would become such a phenomenon for three decades now. Successful multiple cartoon series, toys and merchandising, and even films of various quality have managed to ingrain these characters into the pop culture lexicon.

It was no surprise that someone would come along to reboot a new live-action film for the franchise after TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III in 1993. When it was revealed that "beloved director" Michael Bay would produce a new adaptation under his Platinum Dunes company, boy did the you-know-what hit the fan. It also didn't help when he hired Jonathan Liebesman to direct - the man who brought us DARKNESS FALLS, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING, as well as BATTLE LOS ANGELES and WRATH OF THE TITANS. Then we heard stories that the Turtles weren't going to be mutants at all, but aliens. We also heard that Shredder would be Caucasian instead of Japanese. The casting of Megan Fox as April O'Neil and weird looking CGI Turtles [that looked realistic, mind you] didn't help things either. People had already bashed the film months before the film was released last August. It didn't really matter though, since 2014's TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES made a good amount of money worldwide, securing an eventual sequel in 2016.

The real question is - is this new version of TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES as bad as many say? It ended up on multiple Worst of 2014 lists, with critics thinking it was an insult to the original concept and calling it "brainless" and a "waste of mutagen". And although there are some who enjoyed the film, they were pretty much in the minority from what I gathered. I will admit - the negative reviews did scare me away a bit from watching this in theaters. I didn't want that feeling of negativity cloud my judgment of the film, in case it was a good one. So I waited until it hit home video to check it out. And after finally sitting down to judge the film for myself, I can see both sides of the coin. It's not the worst TURTLES film ever. That still belongs to III. But as an origin story to a new adaptation of the characters, there was a whole lot to be desired for me to really like it.

PLOT
The Foot Clan is terrorizing New York City. Channel 6 News Reporter April O'Neil (Megan Fox) is tired of fluff pieces and wants to get the lead on this current crime wave. While investigating the Foot, she encounters them fighting off huge mysterious figures whom she believes are vigilantes. However, this idea makes her the laughing stock at her job.

April eventually follows another lead, causing her to be a hostage of the Foot in a subway station. However, she's saved by her mysterious vigilantes - who just happen to be six feet tall Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When they reveal their names and take her to their sensei, Splinter, April realizes these giant animals were her pets fifteen years prior - given life by a mutagen her father and Dr. Eric Sachs (William Fichtner) had created. When Sachs learns about his experiments being a success, he contacts the Foot Clan's leader Shredder (Tohoru Masamune). Shredder, wanting to control NYC and the rest of the world, wants to release this mutagen throughout the city to make Sachs look like a hero when he saves them with an antidote [for financial reasons, of course]. Unfortunately, the Ninja Turtles aren't pleased by this and decide to fight back.

REVIEW

Good Things: I think the best thing TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES has going for it is the visual presentation. I honestly never thought Jonathan Liebesman was a bad director. He just worked on films that relied on style over substance. TURTLES is one of those films, as there isn't really much to say about the narrative. But looking at the film is great eye candy. And I think Liebesman eye for the material elevates this film to a higher degree than it probably deserves.

I thought the film was well-paced, nicely framed, and even edited well. It never felt longer than the running time, thanks to great action sequences were a lot of fun to watch. The snow mountain sequence [although the geography was a bit iffy - that close to a warmer New York City?] was the highlight for me. It's just over-the-top silliness that kept be mesmerized from beginning to end. And while the final act harkened a bit too much to THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN than necessary - hell, it looked almost shot-for-shot at times - I thought the Turtles vs. Shredder was some cool stuff. I just wish there was more of it. But the visuals are pretty damn neat here.

As for the CGI, it's fantastic. Yes, I would prefer the Jim Henson automatons over any computer generation Ninja Turtles. But damn, the effects were so good, you'd actually believe these mutant characters were really there interacting with the human characters. Yes, the Turtles look a bit strange with their snouts at first. But after a while, I sort of forgot about that and just went along with their new looks. I thought the Turtles looked badass! And Splinter looked cool too. As for Shredder, I loved the nod to his look from the 2003 cartoon series. The villain has never looked better on screen. The motion capture for the CGI characters was close to perfect, and I thought the actors standing in for the characters delivered a ton of personality and amusement. They acted and spoke like what the Ninja Turtles should [although listening to Johnny Knoxville as Leonardo was a bit strange at times]. I appreciated that, as it helped soften the blow to other things I had major issues with.

And I might get hate for this, but I didn't think Megan Fox was that bad as April O'Neil. She's definitely not the best actress in the world, and not my choice to play the character in any adaptation. But for the first time, Megan Fox felt alive on-screen. She's usually in films as eye candy, usually staring blankly while her body does all the talking. Here, you can tell she's excited to be in this film and seems motivated in giving a decent performance for once. It doesn't surprise me, since Fox has claimed multiple times about her obsession with the franchise and how much she loves the Ninja Turtles. She's not the best live-action April O'Neil [my vote still goes to Judith Hoag], but I thought she was very likeable in the role and was a pleasant surprise overall.

And while I had major issues with the film's narrative, I will say that it works just fine for this film and its target audience. It's cliche and recently been done in other comic book origin stories, but kids and teens will probably eat it up since it's simple to follow and to the point. I'm not a fan of the changes to the origin story, but I can respect the screenwriters for wanting to take the franchise into a different direction to separate itself from what's been previously done. It's not for me personally, but I can see why it appealed to so many others since its release.

Bad Things: Like I mentioned earlier, the film's narrative really bugged me. I honestly couldn't feel a connection to TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES because of the changes made to the established story. I respect something different in a new adaptation. But when the changes made subtract to what made the franchise so great to begin with, I begin to have issues with what's done.

It really all starts from the origin story. In the original comics, we all know that the franchise is based around the personal hatred between Splinter and Shredder. Splinter watched Shredder murder his Master Yoshi as a pre-mutated rat, with Shredder scratching Shredder's face in revenge. There was a personal vendetta between the two parties, which would later add the Turtles, who were Splinter's "sons" and would do anything to protect their "father". April O'Neil was their human guide as the Turtles couldn't be out in public without people freaking out, and because that's not the Ninja way either. You felt connected to everything because you understood both the hero and villain side to things, and where all the supporting characters fit in.

Unfortunately, there's no personal connection in this film at all. The story is not about Splinter and Shredder anymore. It's about April and scientist Eric Sachs, who worked with April's father and may have led to Mr. O'Neil's death. The Turtles and Splinter were April's pets in the laboratory, where they were experiments for the mutagen that made them who they are today. Shredder was a mentor to Sachs in Japan, and Sachs wants to return the favor to Shredder by helping him take over New York City for financial reasons. It feels like I'm watching THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN with Peter Parker being connected to everything through his own father, who is connected to Norman Osborn, who is connected to Oscorp, who is connected to all the villains Spider-Man has to face eventually. Make changes to the story all you want, as long as it allows the audience to become invested in it. At least when it happened in THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN, the main character was still the focus. Here, it's April who seems to be the main character, with the Turtles being supporting characters in their own movie. If April was a more fleshed out character, which she isn't, it would be okay. It's a shame, because there was nothing wrong with the original origin and it allowed the focus to be where it was supposed to be - on the Turtles, Splinter, and Shredder. Instead, I'm watching the April and Sachs Show - not as interesting.

Speaking of Shredder, what a waste he was here. He looks great and fights like a bad-ass. But he has no personality here and seems more like a henchman to Sachs rather than some crime lord wanting to take over NYC. It's a shame because Shredder is a cool villain with a lot to offer in a Turtles story, as we've seen countless times before. He was just there for me, and Shredder should never be just there in any film with the words NINJA TURTLES in it. At least in the sequel, Shredder will now have a justified personal vendetta against the heroes, which could make the second part of this reboot a much better viewing experience. So maybe everyone involved just wanted to get the set up out of the way in order to tell more fulfilling stories in the next couple of installments. The problem is that you need to make the first part of your story feel just as fulfilling. There's a ton of potential, but we can't really judge and live on potential.

As for the actors besides the motion-capture performers and Megan Fox, they display really uninspiring performances. Will Arnett tries as Vernon, but he didn't do much for me as the comic relief who has a crush on April. Honestly, he came across more creepy than anything. I don't blame Arnett for that. I blame the material really. William Fichtner can play the bad guy role in his sleep, but he didn't do much for me either as Eric Sachs. I appreciate that he played it subtle rather than over-the-top, but it felt bland to me. And Whoopi Goldberg didn't add anything as April's boss. At least she got a good check out of it. And Tohoru Masamune underperformed as Shredder. Then again, he doesn't get much to do outside of action sequences. Hopefully a better script in the second installment will allow these actors to do more and give memorable performances.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE LEARNING NINJITSU FROM A BOOK

- Instead of hard hitting news like the rise of the Foot Clan, April O'Neil is stuck bouncing on a trampoline with a fitness instructor for a news segment. At least Channel 6 News realizes what her best assets are! ...In journalism, that is.

- After seeing the Foot Clan stopped by a vigilante, April sees this as her new story, as she's tired of "froth and foam". Well you had to get your job somehow, April!

- Bernadette doesn't believe April's stones about the Turtles, finding it crazy and hilarious. This is the same lady who encountered aliens on the Enterprise, spoke with Patrick Swayze's ghost, survived both Rosie O'Donnell and Elizabeth Hasselbeck, and dated a black face Ted Danson. Fuck off, Whoopi!

- The Ninja Turtles are fans of Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl". I thought I was supposed to like the heroes of the story? Total B-A-N-A-N-A-S.

- The Turtles enjoy creating their own music while riding in an elevator. Kenny G is suddenly in the mood for some turtle soup...

THE FINAL HOWL
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES was a middle-of-the-road film for me. I thought the film had great visual presence, the motion capture and CGI were done really well, and I didn't mind Megan Fox here too much like I was expecting to. And while the changes in the origin may work for this version of the film, I didn't quite feel a strong connection to it like I did for the original Splinter vs. Shredder origin that most people know and understand. The narrative really bogged down the experience for me due to how cliche and dumbed down it was. And some of the acting and use of characters [especially Shredder] felt uninspired. While I can understand the hate for it, I still thought it was way better than TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III from 1993. But unfortunately, it didn't leave me shell-shocked either.



SCORE

2 Howls Outta 4

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

DIRECTED BY
Stuart Gillard

STARRING
Paige Turco - April O'Neil
Elias Koteas - Casey Jones/ Whit
Mark Caso/ Brian Tochi - Leonardo
David Fraser/ Robbie Rist - Michelangelo
Jim Raposa/ Corey Feldman - Donatello
Matt Hill/ Tim Kellher - Raphael
Vivian Wu - Mitsu
Stuart Wilson - Walker
John Aylward - Niles
Sab Shimono - Lord Norinaga
Travis A. Moon - Yoshi
Henry Hayashi - Kenshin

Genre - Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Family/Martial Arts/Comic Books

Running Time - 96 Minutes


With the new Michael Bay produced TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES (2014) being released in theaters in a few weeks, whether you like it or not, I decided to revisit the previous films as a way to catch up with these Heroes in a Half Shell. I've already reviewed the original 1990 film adaptation [still one of my favorites] and its first sequel [cheesy, but fun]. But I was really dreading reviewing today's subject: TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III from 1993.

Ugh, I think I may have seen this film only twice - the last time being in the mid-1990s. It's a film whose plot I barely remember other than it involved time travel to ancient Japan. It didn't grab, or appeal, to me like the previous two films had. Like many of my friends who had also seen it, we weren't really impressed by TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III.

But I like to be a completist, so I decided to rewatch this sequel after about 18 years. I wanted to see if the film was as bad as I had remembered, or my thoughts were flawed due to me maturing away from the Turtles at the time and not seeing it for the fun film it actually is. Unfortunately, the film's quality wasn't due to my age, or how I felt about the franchise at the time. To be honest, TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a bad film that could have been decent if the producers actually gave a damn about their fanbase.

PLOT
Before going on vacation, April O'Neil (Paige Turco) gives the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles gifts, while saving one for Splinter - a strange scepter. Back in 1603 Feudal Japan, a young son of a Japanese emperor (Henry Hayashi) reads an incantation on the same scepter, sending April back in time while sending him to the present. When the Turtles and Splinter realize what happened, the Turtles send themselves back to 1603 Japan to save April. Unfortunately, they find themselves considered demons within a civil war, as they must save a group of villagers against the Japanese Emperor Norinaga (Sab Shimono) and a British weapons dealer named Walker (Stuart Wilson).

Yeah, this is much better than having Dimension X, Krang, Slash, Rat King, or anything else from the franchise that made the Turtles popular!

REVIEW
I have three words for TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

It really pains me to put anything Turtles related into the WTF? Vault. But TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a bad flick that could have been great if the right people were producing it. It's worse when the film actually has positive qualities that are slightly better than the second film in the series. But when you ignore the series' history and all of its characters to randomly do a cliche time travel story that doesn't add much to the franchise, what's the point? Why take this direction instead of giving fans something they're familiar with? I don't get it.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III really fails in terms of its narrative. Now let me just say that I respect that writer-director Stuart Gillard wanted to do something really different from the previous two films. The first film was gritty and felt like a vigilante movie. The second film was more silly and colorful, reflecting more of the cartoon series. The third film is a bit darker than the second film, but feels more cartoonish than that same movie. And with no more Shredder around and the popularity of the Turtles In Time arcade game, that's still a favorite amongst Turtle fans, at the time, I can see why he and New Line would want to do a film like this. It's kind of ambitious and separates itself from anything before it. However, the execution is lazy and flawed, making it pointless at the end.

Instead of going to stories and characters that have already been established in the cartoon and comic book franchise, Gillard decided to send the Turtles back to Feudal Japan for whatever reason. Maybe the budget couldn't allow Gillard to bring Dimension X to life, or afford thousands of rats to make the Rat King epic. And did a pier falling on Super Shredder really kill him? You could have brought him back easily with Krang or something. Hell, judging by the automations of the Ninja Turtles in this installment, the limited budget probably was the reason why fans didn't get the film they wanted. And it's a shame because we're left with a really dumb time travel film that just makes itself look more stupid as the film rolls towards its conclusion.

I think my main issue with the story is that it's in-sequential. What's the point of this movie? Why are the Turtles going back in time? How does this effect their future? Will the events of the story lead into something potentially interesting in a future installment? TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a pointless cash-in sequel for New Line Cinema to hold on to the rights of the franchise. It doesn't really tie into anything that has come before it, or will come after it. Even Casey Jones, who makes a nice return from the first film, does NOTHING here but babysit a bunch of time displaced Japanese warriors. That's the best you can do with the character? Having the same actor play a British dude in the past isn't the same as having him play an important role as Casey Jones. Jones was a highlight of the first film, and a favorite within the franchise. Treating him like he means nothing but fan service is lazy and a missed opportunity.

The Feudal Japan stuff has potential, but ends up feeling like a 90 minute television episode. It's nice to see the Turtles is a new situation, but the film never really does much with it besides the usual slapstick. The Yoshi kid is there for the younger fans to relate to, but he doesn't really do anything of note but make sure the film is longer than 30 minutes by keeping a key component away from the Turtles the entire time. The Mitsu character is the opposite of April O'Neil, in that she can battle and protect herself. But then, she suddenly becomes a damsel-in-distress herself towards the end to give the Turtles something to do. Kenshin is the villain's son, but we never really get time to establish their beef with each other and why Kenshin would use the sceptre. He's just there to change places with April - who by the way is kinda annoying and bitchy here. I guess this was supposed to be a tough April, like in the first film. But she was kind of grating at points.

And the villains are so lame, it's not even funny. Lord Norinaga is supposed to be a bad ass Japanese Emperor, considering how his citizens want to rebel against him. But he's pretty much the supporting character to the other villain, Walker, who's more in control in terms of the situation with the sceptre and the Turtles. By the film's end, Norinaga is just used as a comic relief villain who's nothing more than Walker's bitch. What a waste. As for Walker, he's a much better character. He wants to sell guns to the Japanese so they can win their wars, in order to gain some sort of influence over the nation in the form of commercial imperialism. He has certain spies in the form of heroes in the film that are revealed in the final act. Walker seems to have a plan and just commands a presence that makes him unlikeable. Is he as good as Shredder? No, not even close. But at least I found him as some sort of threat unlike Norinaga. But he's honestly no match for the Turtles, who he considers demons - and he's afraid of them.

As for the Turtles, I do like how they're used in the film. They get to use their trademark weapons again, which was an issue in the second film [parents had complained about the violence in the first], so that was nice to see. Leonardo gets to have a decent sword clash with Norinaga in the final act, which I dug. Him being knowledgeable about swords and weapons was pretty great too. Donatello is still the genius, which he greatly puts to use in the film. He understands the time travel stuff, making him the anchor amongst the protagonists. Raphael grows up a bit here, still displaying his temper at times, but softens when it comes to Yoshi. He grows fond of this kid, telling him to keep his anger in check and just have fun, which shows how much he has matured since the first. Michelangelo is still the silly one, but shows how lonely he is when he wants to stay in the past because he feels more accepted there. Even though the Turtles were loved in the second film, this character shift is a bit strange here. But at least it made Michelangelo more dimensional, which was nice.

But in the end, the narrative is pretty pointless because it doesn't change anything. Nothing is really added and nothing is really subtracted. Sure, there's a happy ending, but we don't know if the same ending would have happened even if the Turtles hadn't went back in time. And why these characters? Sure, I'm glad the producers want to move away from Shredder and the Foot Clan. That's great. But you have so many great antagonists already established within the franchise. Where's Baxter Stockman? Rat King? Krang? Leatherhead? Hell, Usagi Yojimbo would have been cool. It's pretty disapponting because there are so many storylines that could have been adapted to the big screen that would have pleased fans of the series. Yet, they went with a typical time travel story that doesn't do much for anything that has been established before, nor will it change anything that will happen after. What a shame.

The bad one liners, that refer to pop culture, do the film no favors as well. Not only do they date the film tremendously, but they aren't funny either.

The special effects in TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III are iffy at best. Unlike the last two films, the automations of the Turtles and Splinter were not done by the Jim Henson's Creature Company. And you can definitely tell the difference. It's not to say the mechanisms are terrible. I think they're a lot better than that Next Mutation show from the late 1990s. But their mouths moves out of sync most of time, and their eyes look like they belong to a Furby than a Turtle. And what happened with Splinter's lower half of his body? I don't think he even had one. He was always hiding behind objects the entire time. It's a shame because the first two films had such high quality automations. The third film has decent ones, but the difference is jarring at times.

The direction by Stuart Gillard is pretty mixed. The cinematography is really the film's saving grace, visually. TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a great looking film, with some nice period costumes that look legit, and scenery that really makes you think they're in Feudal Japan. The colors are nice and the framing is crisp. Other than that, the film doesn't have much style or substance going for it. Even the fight scenes seem dull and uninspiring at times. It's a shame because a time travel story should feel and look more epic. Gillard doesn't do that.

The acting is the best part of this sequel. The voice actors are all great, including a returning Corey Feldman [who skipped the second film] as Donatello. Paige Turco, while annoying at times in terms of how her character is written, does better this go around as April O'Neil, bringing back the spunk that Judith Hoag has given us in the first film. Elias Koteas is the best actor as both Casey Jones [which he's there for fan service] and the British Whit. Koteas has always been one of my favorite character actors, and he's giving it his all here. I also liked Stuart Wilson as Walker as well, playing a slimy villain well. The rest are fine in their roles. It's a shame they weren't in a better film than this.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE TIME TRAVELING TO 1993 TO STOP THIS FILM FROM BEING PRODUCED

- When she teleported through the ancient Japanese scepter, April O'Neil had switched with Kenshin, who had read an inscription in his time. 1993 was real progressive and ahead of its time when it came to sex changes.

- Walker wanted April to shrink him to prove that she was a witch. Cold water usually does the trick.

- "Dung is used as a fuel source." Must explain how this film was produced.

- April was stuck to a tree when her sleeve was stuck via arrow. Hopefully she uses birth control, since it's obvious she doesn't understand the concept of "pulling out".

- Michelangelo had to save Yoshi from a burning shack. Mario and Luigi are great plumbers, but terrible babysitters.

- "Turtles - it's not just a job. It's an adventure." Blogging about this film is just a job. Oy.

- Witt is paid to lie, cheat, and steal. Viva la raza?

THE FINAL HOWL
TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES III is a total disappointment of a sequel. The story is just lazy and eventually pointless, as our heroes go back in time to face characters hardcore fans will not recognize. I respect wanting to do something new, but it's disappointing not seeing a villain fans would have been anticipating other than Shredder. The one-liners are terrible. The fight sequences are uninspired. And the automations for the Turtles and eventually Splinter are just jarring and inferior to anything that came before it. I get the producers wanted to cater this film for the widest possible audience. But it just turns the audience away. If it wasn't for the beautiful picture quality and the acting, this film would be a complete bomb. Fans have, or will, check this out regardless. But they, and everyone else, should just stick with the first two and skip the third. It's just not worth the trouble going back in time for.

SCORE

1 Howl Outta 4