This section of the blog is due to me being lazy, I mean swamped with watching so many films that I want to discuss on this blog. But I don't really have the time, so I decided to quickly [well as much as I can really] to review films I don't really want to focus too much time on. You'll be seeing these more often than not. Time for the reviews!
I have three words for all these films:
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Cindel Chartrand - Jenna
Danielle Doetsch - Sam
William Jarand - Moe
Suzi Lorraine - Kelly
Christina Sciortino - Lena
Caroline Faille - Brooke
Genre - Horror/Slasher
Running Time - 82 Minutes
A group of college students get on a bus and drive down the highway, looking for good spots to have a Bikini Car Wash to raise money for something. During the drive, the bus breaks down near some abandoned gas station. Most of the students take advantage of the location, not knowing that the gas station harbors a crazy mechanic named Moe (William Jarand). Moe, probably bored of just servicing gas, has decided to kill anyone he encounters, putting his victims in an ice box for whatever reason. Guess what happens to these students?
BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE was one of those films I had heard about for a while, catching my interest for the title alone. Here I was, thinking it was about some female ice skaters wearing bikinis, getting slashed one-by-one by some ice skating killer. Instead, I get a really boring, generic slasher with a lame killer, lamer victims, and the lamest fact of them all - no on-screen kills! What the fuck!?
The characters are shallow and you won't care about any of them. You get the standard archetypes, like the Final Girl, the slutty friend, the bitchy friend, the idiot male characters, and so on. None of them have any depth, or are even all that likeable. The killer, Moe, has no motivation in terms of murdering people. He's kind of perverted and seems angry about something, but we never learn about it. Or why he enjoys putting his victims on ice cubes. You'd think with a strange fetish like that, it would somewhat be explained. But nope! It goes on without being explained. I don't need to know everything about the guy. But something about his motives, or why he enjoys ice so much, would have been great.
If you're expecting a ton of nudity and gore in this slasher, you'll be severely disappointed. All the kills are done off-screen, with just blood splatter on walls and such. One scene involves boobs and a sex scene, but all you really get are girls in bikinis. While I can find things more arousing just surfing through Google Image Search, I'll take what I can get with this lemon.
The direction and the acting are pretty amateurish, but not all that bad really. Director Geoff Klein could have used better lighting and more stylish visuals. But he pretty much directs a typical low budget slasher, with random jump scares and all the slasher conventions. The actors aren't memorable really. But none of them were really bad or anything. They were hired for their looks, which is all you really get from them.
THE FINAL HOWL
BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE is a dull slasher film that is very forgettable once it ends. The script stinks, and the acting and direction are bland. But it does have bikini girls on ice, so at least it lives up to the title. A little bit of gore and maybe more T and/or A would have helped the entertainment factor. But if it were up to me, BIKINI GIRLS ON ICE should remain in the freezer for the unforeseeable future.
Brinke Stevens - Edwina
Linnea Quigley - Clara
Michelle Bauer - Victoria
Jack Kubacki - Coopersmith
Bryce Durfee - Darwin
Carey James - Henry
Ryan Curry - Rufus
Genre - Horror/Supernatural/B-Movie
Running Time - 73 Minutes
Three "nerdy" college students (Ryan Curry, Bryce Durfee, and Jack Kubacki) apply for a dream summer job working at a nice mansion owned by three rich and sexy cougars named Clara (Linnea Quigley), Victoria (Michelle Bauer), and Edwina (Brinke Stevens). While these college "nerds" think they're going to get paid in cash and sex, the three older ladies have other plans in mind. They happen to be witches who can transform into animated cougars who need to eat young male flesh in order to remain immortal.
Another year, another bad David DeCouteau B-movie I have to suffer through. It's not like Mr. DeCouteau is a terrible director. He's done some decent-to-good stuff in the past that I have enjoyed, like SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA and NIGHTMARE SISTERS. But his current films just seem to be focused on the male form rather than entertaining audiences with a decent story. 1313: COUGAR CULT is one of those films that would rather spend two-thirds of the movie ogling on half-naked young men, rather than tell a compelling narrative. It's more disappointing that the film stars a reunion with B-movie Scream Queens Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer. Instead of making them the focus and celebrating that, they feel like secondary characters to their studly male counterparts.
1313: COUGAR CULT isn't a film catered to me. It's mainly for a female and homosexual male audience who enjoy watching guys shower, without soap mind you, or toss and turn in bed in their underwear for five minutes straight respectively. But I doubt even the intended audience would find themselves entertained or aroused by such lazy scenes that last way too long, and don't add to the story at all. There's porn, or even NSFW imagery out there that are more effective than what's being presented here. It doesn't help that these scenes have cheesy background music with car roars playing during their duration. It's more unintentionally funny than anything.
Speaking of unintentional comedy, the transformation sequences are the highlight of this terrible film. Instead of the ladies turning into actual cougars, we watch as cartoon cougar faces are edited on top of the actresses' faces. And the faces don't even move!! I couldn't stop myself from laughing whenever these moments happened. I get DeCouteau and the producers were under budget constraints, but that's just silly as hell. At least it entertained me, unlike anything else in this movie.
Speaking of DeCouteau, he's directed much better films than this one. 1313: COUGAR CULT has the look and feel of a Cinemax softcore porn flick, but without the titillation. Picture quality looks nice, but that's about it. Scenes loop every other 20 minutes. Constant scenes of men wetting themselves with hoses and showers, or writhing in bed touching themselves for way too long. The flow is off. The editing is bizarre. For 75 minutes, the film feels longer. At least the acting is okay, especially by Quigley, Bauer, and Stevens. But even they feel like supporting players in their own movie compared to their male counterparts. Plus, they aren't really given much to do but stand around, caress men, and act like witches. At least they weren't terrible, I guess.
And if you noticed, I haven't even discussed the script. Well that's because there really isn't one. It's like a porn film but with better acting and cheesy effects - and less nudity. Not much to really say about it.
THE FINAL HOWL
1313: COUGAR CULT deserves to be skipped for a generation or two. I watched it for Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer, and they barely have anything to do. So if you're fans of these former B-movie Scream Queens, you'll be severely disappointed. But if you love David DeCouteau and his love for filming young men's torsos, then this is the film for you!
Kellan Lutz - Hercules/ Alcides
Gaia Weiss - Hebe
Scott Adkins - King Amphitryon
Roxanne McKee - Queen Alcmene
Liam Garrigan - Iphicles
Liam McIntyre - Sotiris
Genre - Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Mythology
Running Time - 99 Minutes
When Zeus decides to bang the hot Queen Alcmene (Roxanne McKee), she ends up pregnant and gives birth to a baby that will later grow up into the legendary Hercules (Kellan Lutz). King Amphitryon, pissed that his wife slept with a man he couldn't see, decides to treat Hercules like crap, favoring his oldest son, Iphicles (Liam Garrigan). This favor led to Iphicles being paired with a princess named Hebe (Gaia Weiss) - who is madly in love with Hercules.
One night, Amphitryon sends Hercules and army leader Sotiris (Liam McIntyre) on a mission, where both men get captured. Now a slave and fighting for his life, Hercules battles people in a stadium and gives the people hope. Realizing that his "father" has made all this happen, he and Sotiris decide to get revenge and create a new peaceful reign in his kingdom.
THE LEGEND OF HERCULES is the first of two big-budget films based on the legendary character, with Brett Ratner's adaptation starring The Rock coming out in July. For some reason, THE LEGEND OF HERCULES was released in 3-D, as if it were something special. Unfortunately, THE LEGEND OF HERCULES won't make any history books - at least for being a good movie.
THE LEGEND OF HERCULES is what you get if you put GLADIATOR, IMMORTALS, 300, and the television show Spartacus in a pot and cook them together. And the sum is nowhere as good as its parts. The origin tale is a waste, as most people already know the story of Hercules. Plus, his origin isn't even an interesting one. Why deprive people of Hercules using his powers to have epic battles for the sake of a lame love story and a generic father-son clash? Oh, his brother hates him and they're fighting over the same girl? WHO CARES? This isn't a superhero film. This is a story about Hercules, the son of Zeus. Let him kick some ass and create some epic moments. Instead, it's the CW version of Hercules. Really?
Renny Harlin, best known for CLIFFHANGER and A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER, tries to inject energy and style to THE LEGEND OF HERCULES. And while some of the action isn't that bad - in fact it's shot well - it looks like the little brother of 300 with slow motion and stops in between the fight scenes. It's been seven years. Let's move on from this craze that has infected every gladiator movie since. At least Harlin paces the film well and gives us CGI scenes that resemble the God of War video game. The film is pretty, that's for sure.
Kellan Lutz may look like Hercules in look and physique, but his acting leaves a lot to desire. Still, he's not all that terrible and holds his own for the most part. His fake accent was pretty funny at times. Scott Adkins is a lot better as the evil king, making me wish he had more to do than play the typical tyrant. The guy is a badass and deserves to have bigger roles in any action movie. Liam McIntyre plays his Spartacus role pretty well, which means he does it well. The acting in general was decent. Too bad they have cliche and generic dialogue to recite.
THE FINAL HOWL
THE LEGEND OF HERCULES needed more Kevin Sorbo and less origin story that's been there and done that. While the performances are a mixed bag and Renny Harlin's direction has style that unfortunately is nothing new within this genre, THE LEGEND OF HERCULES really has no reason to exist other than to showcase Kellan Lutz's torso and good looks. Just a really shallow film that apes better films that came before it.
Aaron Eckhart - Adam
Yvonne Strahovski - Terra
Miranda Otto - Leonore
Bill Nighy - Naberius
Jai Courtney - Gideon
Genre - Horror/Science Fiction/Action/Fantasy/Demons
Running Time - 92 Minutes
Adam (Aaron Eckhart) is Frankenstein's monster, surviving his ordeal that many of us had read and heard about. After killing his maker, Adam is caught in a crossfire within a war between gargoyles [Heaven's archangels who must protect Earth] and demons [from Hell who want to rule Earth by destroying humanity]. The Gargoyles seem Adam as the catalyst to saving Earth from evil due to his power. However, the Demons see Adam as a soulless creature who could make his army stronger, since soulless creatures can reanimate dead demons. Which side will Adam fight for?
I, FRANKENSTEIN is a film I really knew nothing about before watching it. I never read the graphic novel it was based on, so I have no idea how it compares. The trailers for it looked like another version of UNDERWORLD and VAN HELSING [done by the same producers no less]. It wasn't really a film I was all that interested in. But I dig Frankenstein's Monster and I like Aaron Eckhart as an actor. So I gave it a shot. Yeah, I kind of wish I didn't.
I, FRANKENSTEIN is a film that's more concerned about how it looks rather than what story it's trying to tell. It's pretty much similar to UNDERWORLD. There are two feuding supernatural forces who hate each other, with the main character stuck in the middle of the war. There's a love angle, some CGI-infested action, and a serious main character who could use more personality rather than be stuck brooding. The film really takes itself seriously, probably way too seriously, as it's really a talky affair that hits you over the head as to why Adam is important to all sides of the coin. The demons want him to reanimate demons. The gargoyles and humans see him as a way to create new life through science to rebuild a sense of good. There's a ton of expository dialogue that explains all this, making you realize why Adam is the key to everything in this dark world. It's just too bad Adam isn't an interesting character besides his usefulness from those around him. I think the film could have been more fun with a more animated [no pun intended] protagonist. At least it treats Frankenstein's Monster with some respect to the source material in terms of his motivations, which is a huge plus.
The CGI looks like the CGI we've seen in any of the UNDERWORLD films or VAN HELSING. None of the creatures look particularly real, bringing a sort of cheesy camp that I'm sure is unintentional. The battle stuff between these CGI monsters isn't all that exciting or thrilling, as its been done before. It looks as good as it could, but you'd expect more in 2014. The film was better off focusing more on Adam and his struggle to fit into a world he really wants nothing to do with rather than generic Gargoyle vs. Demon fights that left me kind of bored. Stuart Beattie's direction isn't all that impressive or fresh, but the film isn't an eyesore or anything. A bit too dark in parts, but it's technically fine.
The actors seem to not care, or care way too much by giving over-the-top performances. Aaron Eckhart seems bored most of the time, pretty much feeling like a prop rather than an actual character we can care about. The dude is a great actor and he needed better material. They should have let Adam be a cool badass who kicks monster butt, with dialogue that makes him likeable and personable. Eckhart would have rocked that. Bill Nighy is a bit more melodramatic in his performance as the villain, providing more fun than the script probably provided him. Jai Courtney, who I didn't like all that much in IT'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD, was actually entertaining here as the stereotypical meat head warrior for the Gargoyle Queen. I thought he and Eckhart created some decent tension against each other whenever they interacted. There should have been more of that in this film.
THE FINAL HOWL
I really like the premise on I, FRANKENSTEIN on paper. But on screen, it could have been way better than it was. It felt like a lame version of UNDERWORLD for me, which is unfortunate. The story could have been stronger, the CGI could have been better, and the tone could have been more fun and cheesier. The film takes itself way too seriously. But I'm glad most of the actors tried to have fun with the material. There's some unintentional entertainment with I, FRANKENSTEIN. But not enough of it to reanimate a recommendation.
1 Howl Outta 4