Year - 2008
Score - 0.5 Howls Outta 4
Have you ever watched a film so bizarre that you have trouble coming up with something to say about it? It leaves you absolutely speechless, wondering if you really watched it or it was some kind of daydream that your sick mind came up with? That's the issue I'm facing with taking about YETI: A LOVE STORY, an independent film directed, written, and produced by Adam Deyoe and Eric Gosselin.
Now we all know who Yeti is. It's the Abominable Snowman apelike beast that lives in the Himalaya region of Tibet and Napal. It's related to Bigfoot supposedly. Well many people have already made horror films about Yeti time and time again, slaughtering people who gets in his way. But what about instead of a killer Yeti, we have a homosexual Yeti who likes to anally penetrate people? Would that get your attention? Well it sure did get mine!
At the start of the film, we see people in white cloaks and red masks (obviously a cult) chanting, "Praise the Yeti!" as they tie some helpless male victim near a tree in a bent over position. One of the cult members bangs a gong and it brings out the Yeti, who proceeds to rush towards the victim and anally penetrate him so deep that blood gushes out of his mouth. Yes, this really happens.
We soon arrive at the present day, which happens to be 1985 (although these 80s people have all modern technology), where we meet five college friends driving to have a camping trip. They stop at a gas station, where they're mocked and insulted by southern rednecks who like to fingerbang girls and wear really bad looking Daisy Dukes (I'm talking about dudes here). Two of the characters get sidetracked by some town attraction called the Tentacle Boy, who really is just a man painted in red with an abnormality on his face. He also likes to suck on a woman's breast while some naked guy dances behind him, shaking his penis in full view. Yes, this really happens.
Anyway, the college friends trek to the woods where they talk about stupid stuff and camp. One of the friends goes to get firewood but ends up killing himself (literally) while running away from animal noises and getting shot by a Yeti Hunter. Apparently the friends find out by the Hunter and by a nearby church that there's a cult called the Children of the Yeti that sacrifices young males to be raped by their Yeti mascot. They try and go to stop it, until the Yeti lays eyes on one of the male friends. The human and beast fall in love, have sex against a tree, and share chocolate and talk about the future. This is bad for the cult because if the Yeti falls in love, their hold on him is finally broken. Yes, this really happens.
YETI: A LOVE STORY is one of the weirdest films I have ever watched in my entire 27 years of existence. I mean, I knew it was gonna be a silly film just by the title alone, but I was not prepared for what I watched here. I'm still trying to figure out the words to write here because there's so much I want to say yet not alot of space to do it in. So be prepared if this review is alot of me rambling on.
Is YETI a good film? Not at all. But it entertained me for 76 minutes. I mean, a Yeti cult? Victims who are sacrificed by being raped through the ass by a 2-foot Yeti penis? Actual scenes where the Yeti and one of the characters named Adam (Adam Malamut) have homosexual sex against a tree shot in a softcore porn manner? Nutty churches? Pillow fights that lead to lesbianism? And kinky sex that had me saying, "Why the fuck am I watching this?" This film is like a coked up nightmare from hell. Yet, I was laughing at how dumb it all was. You had a simple story of a group of friends trying to stop a sick cult from using a mythical beast to kill them, and both Deyoe and Gosselin turn it inside-out, creating a film experience I'm sure not many of us will forget - good or bad. My mouth was open the entire time, never imagining once that I would be sitting on my sofa watching THIS.
The characters are just as bizarre as this film. You had Adam, who probably said the best and funniest dialogue that made me chuckle a few times. Quotes such as "Bozo the homo", "Boning Time", and "Why do you call a fraternity a frat? Do you call a country a cunt?" had me snickering. I didn't want to laugh but I couldn't help it. He was also a bigot and a jerk, until he falls in love with a Yeti because of his eyes. And they have sex, make out, and everything. I wasn't sure what to think of this dude. And then there was Dick (David Paige), who was pretty much the straight-man of the film and considered boring by the girls. He was the guy willing to do what's right until he falls in love with some cult seductress (Brie Bouslaugh), who tries to sacrifice him into the cult. They had a scene where they have the most horrible kinkiest sex I have ever seen in a film in a long time, where she would punch him in the face while riding him and whatever. I don't know anymore. You had the two females of the group (Laura Glasscot and Loren Mash), who I couldn't really tell apart by their names. One was a tough brunette and one was a horny redhead. The brunette was chosen by the Church to stop the Yeti cult and was converted into a lesbian after a pillow fight with the redhead, who was screwing Adam, who then screwed a Yeti. It was like a fucked up version of MELROSE PLACE, except Heather Locklear wasn't around slapping people and calling them a bitch. And let me not forget the redneck who pretty much had his throat slit and his guts pouring out of his body, yet he still lived to fingerbang women another day. Uh huh. Moving on...
The direction was actually pretty good here. It wasn't Spielberg, Scorcese, or Tarantino here, but it had good editing, nice cinematopgraphy for a low-budget film, and the audio was pretty good. Deyoe and Gosselin apparently liked using montages, because we got a few of them here. There's one with the friends fishing. Sounds boring right? Well not until you see them actually skip to a pier, use the fishing rods as penises, and reeling in a baby doll before tossing it back into the lake while clown music played in the background. And we have another montage where all the lovers are going to parks, building homes, and feeding each other chocolate while posing for the camera, breaking that 4th wall. I really didn't see the point of it, but I guess it was added for comic relief. We had flashbacks in animated form. Footage of the villain and the priest who headed the church doing wacky stuff to explain the villain's path to evil. And the weirdest montage of them all - literally 2 minutes...TWO minutes of penises dangling, big boobs being squeezed, and a flabby ass that read "Sweet Cheeks" was displayed while an evil looking cat flashed at the center of the screen. It was like I was on an acid trip and I don't even know what that feels like! The end sequence was horribly choregraphed though (yet funny for some weird reason) and the continuity was all messed. If it's 1985, why are there Mac laptops, rap music about FORREST GUMP, and talks about one's "va-jay-jay"?
The gore was pretty bad. The blood looked like Kool-Aid, jelly, and/or ketchup. And the death scenes were terrible. Especially that scene in the police station bathroom between the redneck and the redhead. They sliced each other's throats and gutted each other like a fish, yet still kept fighting. And the redhead for the unconscious brunette to wake up (she was unconscious at the time) before she died. It was just ridiculous, all of it. When you have a low budget, what can you do?
The acting was also bad, but I wasn't expecting much here anyway. None of them annoyed me except for that nerdy dude who gets killed quickly and those senior citizens who were really just people wearing horrible old people masks. You can tell these were a group of friends who made a movie together. I'm not expecting anyone here to win a prize for their thespian skills.
THINGS I WANT TO FORGET AFTER WATCHING THIS FILM
1. A couple was getting it on in a car while their friends tried not to watch. I'm a sucker for a woman who knows how to stick shift.
2. Dick was mesmerized by a lady in red. I guess she was dancing with him, cheek to cheek.
3. Some bumpkin wants to know if any of the females wanted to get fingerbanged. I don't know about that, but I'm pretty sure his nuts will be banged after that offer.
4. The frat boys had a gangbang that became awkward when a sorority sister showed up. Geez, I would have asked her to join in. Some fraternities are so anal...
5. The Yeti's screams distracted Enrique...Rodriguez...whatever his name is from taking a dump in the woods. He got so distracted that he ran into a tree breaking his nose, got a branch lodged in his eye, broke his leg running away, and then got shot by the Yeti Hunter. Wait...his name was Joe? Well, I knew it wasn't Lucky!
6. Adam claims Yeti is a myth, like leprechans and tomatoes. I wish this film was a myth because I refuse to believe I spent 80 minutes watching it.
7. Yeti has a two-foot penis. If anyone needs a stunt dick, you found your beast.
8. The worshippers are called the Children of the Yeti. And I thought the Children of the Corn were annoying. At least they were Scientologists, so that gives them points.
9. You can have all your guts and organs spilled out, but still manage to live. But you can die having your balls stabbed repeatedly. Oh come on...that's just nuts!
10. Don't ever believe a hot chick when she tells you that she loves you. She's lying, just to sacrifice you to a Yeti. Believe me, I know from experi---I mean, so I've heard... ::shifts eyes left to right::
THE FINAL HOWL
Troma said that, "It's KING KONG meets BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN in YETI: A LOVE STORY, a gay themed horror-comedy about a homicidal and wildly homosexual mountain yeti! [It] makes DELIVERANCE look like DOGGIE TALES."
I couldn't have said it better myself. YETI: A LOVE STORY is one weird ass film. It's far from the greatest film ever made, but it's highly memorable and I have no choice but to recommend this to people just so I don't have to feel alone in this. A B-movie to the fullest, this is the kind of film to share with your friends over beer and a certain sweet leaf. I think this film will entertain anyone who refuses to take it seriously and don't mind being mindfucked for 80 minutes. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm deleting any Yeti/Bigfoot themed films from my Netflix. I think I've seen enough of Yeti to last me a long while.