Shan Holleman - Sabrina
Nelson Bonilla - Roger
Justin Geer - Benji
Tanya Fraser - Nicole
Breanne Ashley - Brooke
Greg Corbett - Nick
Todd Herring - Lincoln
Lane Morlotte - Jebediah the Store Clerk
Year - 2005
Score - BOMB
Have you ever wanted to drive to the woods with your friends in a ugly looking motor home to have a good time passing the joint and getting laid? Yeah, probably not...especially when the place you go harbors a murderer who wears something an Ewok would wear. I mean, murder is bad. But when you get killed by a dude dressed like a Giant Ewok, that's really fucked up. But nothing is more fucked up than having to waste 90 minutes of your life watching it all go down in the straight-to-DVD Lions Gate feature, MOTOR HOME MASSACRE. That's just unforgivable. Where's Smokey The Bear to take a shit on this film when you need him?
Sabrina (Shan Holleman) is going through a really hard breakup with her ex-boyfriend, Tom (Jason Von Stein). You know how you can tell? Because she talks about EVERY FIVE MINUTES! Anyway, her friends convince Sabrina to hang with them for a trip in a motor home that belongs to the parents of the good-looking dweeb Benji (Justin Geer). Obviously, this isn't any ordinary trip. The gang plans on getting fuckin' high, drunk, and laid man! Sabrina relunctantly joins the trip and they're off into the woods. But uh-oh, I sense trouble!
From what I gather, the land is cursed somewhat...for a day. You see, the day previous to the gang taking this trip, a couple was camping at these woods before getting murdered "viciously". And since, no one wants to go anywhere near that campsite. Obviously, the gang doesn't give a shit [neither do I] and ride into the campsite anyway, where a night of terror and murder awaits these idiots.
I have three words for MOTOR HOME MASSACRE:
WHAT THE FUCK!!??
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
This film has got to be the one of the worst horror films I have ever had the displeasure of watching. Nothing about this low-budget film is redeeming. It's horrible from beginning to end - at least it's consistent. If this was marketed as a comedy, I would have given this one a higher rating because it's unintentionally funny as hell. But since it's marketed as a horror film, it blows. Not as bad as ANKLE BITERS, which is still THE worst film I have ever seen in my life. But it comes darn close.
I don't even know where to begin with this one. The film is a big mess of bullshit stirred up in a pot to create bullshit stew. I guess I can talk about the horrible script. The whole killer-in-the-woods thing has been done to death and isn't that hard to do. However, whoever wrote this piece of crap pretty much destroyed that thought in 90 minutes. Horrible narrative, horrible dialogue, and even worse characters light up the screen to the point where you're hoping for a massive blackout.
Seriously, the story is only serving as a backdrop for these horrible characters to die. Nothing more, nothing less. As in any slasher film, you get a masked killer who seems to have superstrength due to his or her fact that she wants has to axe to grind with whoever comes in their path. And that's pretty much what you get - badly. Plus the mystery of the killer isn't such a mystery if you've seen enough of these films to pick up the clues. It's pretty much right in front of your face. Once it's revealed, it does get pretty funny though. Frying pans never looked or sounded better. There's also a "twist" ending that's so ridiculously dumb that I pretty much turned off the film right then and there. I'm sure it was trying to be funny to match with the stupidity of the entire film, but when you're marketing a film as a TRUE HORROR FILM, things like that are a waste of my time.
As for the characters...God, I have never seen a group of people so fuckin' annoying in my life. It would have helped if the actors were actually, I dunno, good! Only one [Justin Geer as Benji] showed that he was capable of handling lines and direction. But everyone was worse than a kindergarden production of SHOWGIRLS. They were all stereotypes. You had the blonde chick. The dumb dirty blonde chick. The Latino asshole. The nerd. The white guy who thinks he's black [getting fucked by black dudes in jail doesn't make you black, no matter how much black was in you]. The hot chick with the big boobs she never bothers to show you. And the token black girl with the angry boyfriend who calls her and may be the killer. And let's not forget the redneck store clerk who likes to have his way with women against his will and eat pig's feet raw! None of these people were likeable. None of these people had depth. As far I as cared, they all could have been butchered by this killer. Especially the Latino asshole, Roger. God, I thought Tina from HALLOWEEN 5 was annoying. I may need to apologize to her because Roger was THE worst horror character EVER. He was a bully, a horn dog, and a coward. He wasn't killed quick enough for my tastes.
And the direction is just flat out terrible. Allen Wilbanks should watch YouTube videos and learn how to film something that's actually watchable. This guy couldn't build tension if he had a set of Legos in front of him. Horrible pacing as well, which led to many continuity errors. For one, we see the scene where the couple that cursed the land gets killed. This scene is shown again a half hour later when the very annoying redneck clerk, Jebediah, retells the story - showing the scene in its full. If you're gonna do that, why show that glimpse in the beginning when you can just could have done it here? Also, day and night seem to interchange quite frequently within the same scene. And talk about a wardrobe malfunction, Benji's sweater vest and tie look constantly changes into just a shirt, and then back again out of the blue. We also get scenes of characters just talking about nonsense and Sabrina having flashbacks of her time with her boyfriend and how they broke up [we get it, she's fuckin' heartbroken! Move the fuck on!]. These flashbacks made the soap opera, PASSIONS, seem like MASTERPIECE THEATRE. At least PASSIONS has a pregnant hermaphrodite I can goof on! Plus the murder sequences are just absinine. You'll just roll your eyes at them. I've never seen anyone die when the weapon barely penetrated them. I knew I should have gone to Med School. I know low budget films have their limits, but this is just beyond bad filmmaking. Yeah, it'll make you laugh but that's not really what this film was marketed to do. If Lions Gate had said this was a horror-comedy, then I would have been totally on board. But it's not and Wilbanks shouldn't be proud of this crap.
And I like said previously, the acting is just horrible. So bad in fact that I don't think it's even worthy of a Razzie Award. Justin Geer as the "dweeb" Benji was the only one who actually deserved to kind of live. His character wasn't that bad, especially since he wasn't really a nerd [he probably gets laid more than me] and Geer could actually act. The others could just drive inside that motor home and fall off a cliff as far as I'm concerned. At least the horrible thespian skills are worth a good chuckle or two. But after 90 minutes, it just gets tedious.
And the gore...horribly done. The blood looks like Kool-Aid in the pink lemonade variety. The violence is horribly shot to the point where you just shrug like my Film Analysis professor and smile at how silly it is. And I'm still wondering how that big breasted chick survived after being dragged on a rocky road by the motor home while it driving at least 60 miles per hour. If anyone can tell me, I'd appreciate it.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE HAVING SOAP OPERA FLASHBACKS ABOUT MY EX-GIRLFRIEND AND WISHING THE KILLER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN HER SO I COULD FEEL BETTER ABOUT THINGS
1. Don't ever sleep in a tent alone in the woods. That stabbing sensation is not a slice of heaven. But you will have a bloody good time!
2. Benji was told he was gonna get pussy, to which he asked whether she was smart and about the color of her eyes. I didn't realize vaginas had faces. And if you see one with a long nose, that ain't a vagina!
3. Sabrina's boyfriend, Tom, told her that the flowers he picked out for her reminded him of her. So she's fragile, smells like shit, and only costs $20. Yeah...sounds about right.
4. The stupid girl eating a fudge popsicle said she could eat it as long as she eats four bowls of prunes a day. All I gotta say is that her asshole must be crying for help. Especially since I'm sure it's used to having things go inside rather than come out.
5. Sabrina was shocked to see a big machete face-to-face. It's obvious as to why she and Tom broke up.
6. Jebediah, the redneck clerk, was rubbing himself down there when the girls walked into his store. I see he likes working the cock, I mean clock!
7. Jebediah likes the token black girl, Nicole's, hair. Well it's most likely not her real hair but it was a lovely gesture noneoftheless.
8. The stupid girl wants to be like Britney Spears. Let's see: She's stupid. Check. She likes to eat junk food. Check. She screams like Britney sings. Check. She likes to fuck. Check. Hmm, you sure she isn't already there?
9. Roger likes to get smacked around. I wonder if he likes to get kicked in the balls. It'd be more fun than watching this film.
10. Nicole's boyfriend can only be heard by Nicole and no one else. Either Nicole is delusional about her break up, or her boyfriend is a mime. Ugh, I really hope she's delusional.
THE FINAL HOWL
MOTOR HOME MASSACRE is the bottom of the barrel, folks. All I can say about this one is that if it was marketed as a comedy, I probably would have enjoyed it slightly more. But it's marketed as a horror film, and it fails completely. The only scary thing about this film is how bad it is and how you're gonna be pissed about it for wasting your time. Definitely one of the worst films I have ever seen in my entire life, and I've seen a lot of films.
MOTOR HOME MASSACRE, I'm driving your ass into the WTF? Vault so no one can see your crap again. And if someone attempts to open the vault, God help us all. Now park right behind me and...
You know what? You're not even worthy of kissing my ass.