6.05.2008

A WTF? Letter To Sophia Bush About "The Hitcher" (2007)

DIRECTED BY
Dave Meyers


STARRINGSean Bean - John Ryder
Sophia Bush - Grace Andrews
Zachary Knighton - Jim Halsey
Neal McDonough - Lt. Esteridge
Year - 2007
Score - 0.5 Howls Outta 4




Dear Sophia,
Hello again. It’s me, your future husband Fred [The Wolf]. I hope you liked the roses I sent you through the mail with my last letter. I saw you as Brooke Davis on ONE TREE HILL the other night and they reminded me of you. I’ve been getting kind of worried about you, baby. You haven’t answered any of my past letters.

All 247 of them.

You know how I hate being ignored by the woman I love, Sophia. I don’t know how much more blood I’m able to lose from cutting myself for every time you won’t write me back. My skin is scarred because you, so please don’t scar my heart either. But I’m sure it can’t be any worse than watching you in the unneeded and pointless remake of the 1986 thriller, THE HITCHER.

What? You don’t know what I’m writing about? You know...THE HITCHER...the film where you play Grace Andrews along with Zachary Knighton’s Jim Halsey and while driving on an open road heading to Spring Break, you run into the evil John Ryder played by Sean Bean? And after giving Ryder a ride, you realize that he’s a psychopath who likes torturing your character and her boyfriend by framing them for murders they didn’t commit? And every time to outsmart him, he just keeps coming back for more suffering until the cops are after all three of you? You do remember THE HITCHER, right?

Heh...I guess not. I don’t blame you really, baby. I’m sure you had nightmares about starring in this piece of film crap. I mean, I’m sure you said the same three words aloud as you watched this film. Really...

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Sophia, baby, why are you starring in a film that tarnishes a pretty good 80s film? Don’t you know how much I love the 1980s and you do this to me!? I mean, you didn’t expect me to like this film because you were in it, did you? You didn’t expect me to smile every time that bastard co-star of yours kept touching you in that shower, did you?

DID YOU!?

Oh Sophie, THE HITCHER made me sick to my stomach. The original film still stands up so well. I mean, it scared so many of us from ever picking up a hitchhiker on the road ever again. I mean, do we really want to pick up someone that would eventually tie us between two trucks just to split us in half? No, baby. But you saw the check Michael Bay and Platinum Dunes were offering you and you had to take it.

WHAT ABOUT THE MONEY I SENT YOU TO GET MY NAME TATTOOED ON YOUR BODY!?

Sorry, I’m just a little upset that you let outside forces convince you that starring in this film was a good idea. Did you read the script? Didn’t you realize that this remake was nothing but a cheap pre-teen watered down version of a better film? A film with tension? A film with characters we actually give a damn about? A film where the villain was so complex that we actually felt something for him? Didn’t you realize that this script was void of that? That your character, and everyone else’s, were nothing but one-dimensional airheads who all deserved to live in Paris Hilton’s smelly vagina for a week until you festered in her rottenness and died from her array of STDs and massive yeast infection? Sophie, you’re smarter than this. I love you on ONE TREE HILL. I actually liked you in JOHN TUCKER MUST DIE in a dumb sort of way. But this...this film is so wrong for you. Tell me who your agent is and I’ll "talk" with him or her. I’ll make sure you get a juicier role where you don’t have to rely on wearing tight outfits and walking around in your underwear to be noticed on-screen. Besides, you’re supposed to be saving that stuff for our alone time. Naughty naughty, Ms. Bush.

Don’t try and give me excuses, baby. I don’t want to know why you like hurting me by not only ignoring me, but starring in a film directed by a music video director who was just going through the motions when he was trying to visual this thin story. Dave Meyers is a brillaint music video director. His work on those Missy Elliott videos are great. You thought he’d make you a bigger star. I understand, Sophia. But none of that creativity and innovative work he’s known for was present in this film. It looked like every horror remake that Michael Bay produces - commercial, mainstream, style over substance, low on tension and suspense - it was just visually THERE. He didn’t give a damn about how this film would make you look, baby. He used your beauty and your talents to put cash in his pocket. He pimped you out, Sophia. And you know something, The Wolf is gonna find this guy, slap him around a few times, and make him realize the damage he tried to do to my baby. You should have done that HALLOWEEN remake. Rob Zombie knows what he’s doing behind a camera. Hell, do the next Eli Roth or James Wan film. They’ll make you look like a star, Sophia. Not Dave Meyers.

The script also made your acting seem forced. Do you know how much I suffered watching you try your best to make your character work when your character really had nothing substantial to do in this film but look scared and shoot a shotgun? Baby, I appreciate your hard work but you were on a sinking ship. When I heard you signed on for this film, I wrote you that letter telling you to jump overboard. But you didn’t listen, did you? Did you even read my letter?

And then I had to watch a very talented actor like Sean Bean, who tried his damnest to be Rutger Hauer from the original THE HITCHER, fail at doing so. I hate talent being wasted like this, Sophia. He wasn’t bad...as a matter of fact...I liked Bean in this film alot. But the script didn’t give him much to play off of and it hurts me. Your co-star, Zachary Knighton, did good as the boyfriend Jim. But I didn’t like the way he was looking at you. Touching you. Kissing you in that shower. That should have been me, Sophia. ME. I would have protected you from John Ryder. You would have never had to resort to the things Ryder made you do if I were around. We would have gotten rid of him, headed to Spring Break, and made passionate animal love by the beach. But you didn’t want that, did you? You wanted to be with HIM. That’s cool. I’m okay with that. You know why?

BECAUSE HE GOT SPLIT IN HALF TO DEATH!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You ended up with a loser, Sophia. A LOSER when you could have had a WINNER like me! But that’s okay. I’ve learned a lot from you rejected me.

Like I learned that you should never wear a person wearing a wedding ring, just because it makes them look trustworthy. Let the hookers deal with them. They’ll probably thank you for helping them get that record contract.

I also learned not to save someone who is dying. The police will only arrest you for their murder. Ya know, like they did with O.J. Simpson?

I then learned that crazy hitchhikers can take out an entire police force by himself. You see what hours of Grand Theft Auto can do? Six stars, baby. Six stars.

Oh Sophia, I wish you would have answered my letters. I could have warned you ahead of time that THE HITCHER was made to be part of the WTF? Vault. You starred in a film that took everything that was good about the 1986 version and watered it down until it evaporated, leaving absolutely nothing valuable behind. I admire you and your co-stars trying to make the film work as best as possible, but I’m still disappointed. You need to learn how to act in films that you want to act in, not because they’re paying you the biggest check. But then again, I’m probably wasting my time writing something you won’t read. I hope I’m wrong.

VERY WRONG.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to write a letter to Madonna for entertaining me with her new album cover for "Hard Candy".
Helloooooooooooooooo nurse!





Sincerely your future husband,
Fred [The Wolf]

P.S.
KISS MY ASS!!!

1 comment:

  1. porceline iolanthe ethel-red-the-unready hypocrisyOctober 5, 2008 at 9:23 PM

    mr. wolf, this remake of the hitcher may be an abomination, however i think its important to point out that its still 100 times better by itself than all the laughable unwatchable british made crap that sean bean appeared in, (before he came to hollywood), put together. Always remember that no matter how bad any given american film might be its still infinitly better than any of the pig-swill produced by than ludicrous joke known, (laughably), as the british film industry.

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