6.06.2008

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Bloody Murder (2000)

DIRECTED BY
Ralph Portillo

STARRING
Jessica Morris - Julie McConnell
Peter Guillemette - Patrick
Patrick Cavanaugh - Tobe
Crystalle Ford - Drew Zemke
Michael Stone - Dean
Justin Martin - Jason Hathaway
Tracy Pacheco - Whitney Chambers
Lindsey Leigh - Jamie
David Smigelski - Brad Thompson


Year - 2000

Running Time - 91 Minutes

Score - BOMB


There's a famous quote that reads, "Imitation is a form of flattery." We've seen this happen quite often. From Elvis impersonators, to drag queens emulating their favorite movie stars of yesteryear, to most of us dressing up as someone famous on Halloween, we all have attempted to be like something or someone. In Hollywood, imitation comes in the form of remakes/reimaginings and spoofs/parodies of films that pioneered a certain genre in film history. Now as you know, I'm not a big fan of the whole remake trend that's going on in Hollywood right now. Sometimes the remake is great. Most of the time, it's not. But at least some kind of effort was put into these imitations to give the film a different feel from its source material, even if it's not always the right one or even needed. However, I recently found out what really pisses me off about filmmaking - films that blatantly copy a much more famous film, do nothing different with it to separate itself from that film, and turn it into shit by having horrible actors and horrible sequences take center stage.

Yes, there is a film just like that. Ladies and gents, it's called BLOODY MURDER.

PLOT
Get this: A bunch of camp counselors decide to work at a kid's summer camp called Camp Placid Pines where they start readying the camp with food and obstacle courses before the children arrive. However, there may be someone lurking in these woods. According to camp legend, there's this dude named Trevor Moorehouse who weilds a chainsaw in his hand while wearing a mechanic's jump suit and a goalie hockey mask to cover his face. Gasp! Soon after the counselors get settled, they start disappearing and dropping like puke in Kate Moss' toilet bowl. Julie (Jessica Morris) and her friends start to believe that maybe Trevor Moorehouse may have something to do with this and try their best to survive their stay at camp.

Wow, this is the most original concept in a horror film ever! I've never seen a hockey-masked killer in a horror film before! I wonder if this will catch on?

REVIEW
I have three words for BLOODY MURDER:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

BLOODY MURDER
is the most unoriginal, pointless, boring, and shameless horror film I have ever seen in my life. Just take everything that was great about FRIDAY THE 13TH [scares, awesome gory kills, fun acting, and a cool iconic killer] and replace it with 91 minutes of laziness that's begging to be sued for ripping off a better film. Hell, it even rips off the SCREAM whodonit twist ending to create "suspense". I criticize ANKLE BITERS alot, but at least it tried to do something different with the whole vampire concept. BLOODY MURDER doesn't bother. And for that, BLOODY MURDER isn't even worth wiping my ass with.

I don't even know where to start with this piece of shit. It's completely terrible in every single aspect of the word. It's not even bad that it's good. There's no camp value here. BLOODY MURDER is a straight-forward FRIDAY THE 13TH ripoff that's so dumb that I wonder how I even watched this straight through without shutting it off. And it doesn't even attempt to hide it. We have a hockey-mask-wearing killer in the woods. We have the old man who warns the counselors that they're "doomed". We have the whole archery sequence from the original FRIDAY THE 13TH to a tee. There's a character named Jason who's suspected to be Trevor Moorehouse in disguise. It's incredible how this film actually got produced and distributed without Sean S. Cunningham suing their asses for theft and unoriginality.

The story is terrible here. If you've seen FRIDAY THE 13TH and SCREAM, it's pretty much the excrement of an unholy union between the two. That should sum it up. The characters are all interchangeable and not all that interesting. They all have a dead parent. They all dated each other like a season's worth of MELROSE PLACE. Characters conveniently leave things behind so they can walk through the dark woods alone to set up a murder. Everyone is pretty much a suspect without being guilty-looking. People die and don't seem to care and just carry on with their activities. It's fuckin' ridiculous to watch. I wanted them all hacked and slashed. Hell, these idiots made me miss Violet The Robot Girl from FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING and Tina from HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS. At least they kept my interest by annoying the fuck out of me. These people weren't worth the paper they were wasted on. And the dialogue is just terrible as well. Here's a doozy for you:

"Misery comes in all different forms. It's miserable."

Deep. Really deep.

And the killer actually had to say this about modern technology in the woods:

"You kids today think your computers and your phones and your emails can keep you safe in the woods."

Do kids really believe that? If they do, they deserve to be butchered by a wannabe-Jason Voorhees.

Speaking of Trevor Moorehouse, he has to be the least scariest killer in horror movie history. He's just a skinny twerp that can barely carry a chainsaw, let alone use it, while doing his worst Jason impression. Color me thrilled. I wanted to go into my television screen, knock this idiot on his ass, and give him the worse atomic wedgie known to man. What a loser!

Ralph Portillo does nothing for me as a director. This is pretty much paint-by-numbers point and shoot directing. No style. No substance. Just lazy ass filmmaking right here. And his use of flashbacks on things that didn't even happen in the way that they're told was a waste of time. Hell, I think this was used just to fill up time. And gore? What gore? A weak throat slice? Stabbing so fake that it would barely make a mark in real life? And what about sex and nudity? Nope, nothing there either. It's just like my last date - a cocktease. This film has nothing to offer from a technical point of view. This could have made things more entertaining, but then again, I'm forgetting about the film I'm actually reviewing right now. Fuck you, Ralph Portillo!

The acting - sigh - let me just make it straight and to the point: ALL THE ACTORS SUCK HARDER THAN PARIS HILTON ON A ROCK STAR'S DICK! They have no delivery. They don't know their lines. They can't even read off of cue cards. They either underact or overact without getting it right. The voice overs sound like they were done in Ray Liotta's wind tunnel from IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE. I wouldn't be surprised to walk to my local McDonald's and see them serving me a #2 for lunch. Jessica Morris, the lead actress, was on ONE LIFE TO LIVE for a while. She got killed off though. I guess the show's producers saw a tape of this film. Don't blame them for doing what they did. Get some acting classes!!

THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN WATCH BLOODY MURDER AGAIN

- Watch paint dry

- Get a root canal

- Deal with a bad case of diarrhea

- Pour hot wax over my penis and enjoy the burning sensation

- Get fucked by my bigger cellmate in a prison shower

- Spend a day with Heidi and Spencer

- Have a one night stand with Britney Spears and scratch away that case of crabs until the day I die

- Become a scientologist

- Job to Triple H for no apparent reason

- Watch ANKLE BITERS, KRACKER JACK'D, MOTOR HOME MASSACRE, and 1 NIGHT IN CHYNA again in a row as I feel my life span deteriorating in front of my eyes

THE FINAL HOWL
I think I found the film that beat ANKLE BITERS as the worst film I've ever seen in my life. At least ANKLE BITERS made me laugh with how awful it was. This film couldn't even make Robin Quivers chuckle and she laughs at everything! BLOODY MURDER is a waste of film, a waste of time, and a waste of money. With no heart, no soul, no brains, and no testicles, don't bother watching this piece of shit. Instead, grab your hockey mask, find whoever was involved in producing this turd, and show them what a real horror film looks like. I wouldn't even use this DVD as a coaster. Off to the WTF? Vault Crematory for you!

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