6.07.2008

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Kracker Jack'd (2003)

DIRECTED BY
Chad Hendricks

STARRING
Julius Golden - Playa Playa
John W. Sloan - Bling Bling
Bernicia Womack - Ole Girl
Vester Yisrael - Swole
Mark Anthony Rivera - Carlton

Year - 2003

Score - BOMB


I can honestly say that for most of my life, I've lived in what many people would probably call a ghetto neighborhood. The neighborhood was mainly composed of Puerto Ricans and Dominicans a.k.a. minorities. There was a lot of poverty going around. There was the usual drug dealing, loud music, gun shootings, profanity-laden arguments at 3 a.m. that mainly involved some loud chick's boyfriend fucking her best friend/sister/cousin/mother/grandmother, and just a lot of shady activity going on that seemed normal to anyone living there. It was just a product of my reality and while I did want to get out of there, it made me a lot more street smart and aware of my surroundings and the people I hung out with.

I can also honestly say that I never experienced any news about a white serial killer murdering people in the neighborhood - especially a serial killer that wears red shoes, a white hockey mask, and sequin gloves to match his black ensemble. I thought this was only normal at Neverland Ranch, but apparently there's a killer just like the one I described in KRACKER JACK'D.

Get it? The killer is a white dude a.k.a. a kracker. And he jacks his victims from behind to kill them? Also Cracker Jacks are that tasty caramel popcorn with those cheap prizes inside? Oh ho ho ho! How fuckin' clever!

Anyway, this is your modern urban horror film that tries to use the rules of blaxsploitation films of the 1970s and completely fails at its attempt. The only thing this KRACKER JACK'D was 90 minutes I could have used pulling my wad instead of watching this.

PLOT
Four African-American friends named Playa (Julius Golden), Bling (John Sloan), Carlton (Mark Anthony Rivera), and Swole (Vesher Yisrael) decide to host a house party that will make them the dopest brothas in da 'hood, especially with the ladies. As they spread the word, some chubby white dude named Jerome [who thinks he's black and pretty fly for a white guy] wants to be part of the action. Since he's the only white person in the entire film, Jerome gets his ass kicked in a horribly directed sequence before the four friends continue their plans.

Later that evening, the house party is going really well until some hockey-masked killer with sequin gloves and red shoes begins murdering the guests in really horrible ways. Seriously, these death scenes took like 5 to 10 minutes each to conclude. If only he had killed every character in this film to shave off 50 minutes of the running time that I could have used playing with myself.

REVIEW
I've said many times in certain reviews that ANKLE BITERS is the worst film I have ever...EVER...had the displeasure of watching. KRACKER JACK'D is a very close second. The fact that I even sat down and watched the entire 90 minutes of this piece of liquid shit without turning it off shows the level of tolerance I must have. And believe me, that level is starting to crack. I've seen some bad films before but KRACKER JACK'D is in a different spectrum.

This film is trying to be some blaxsploitation horror-comedy but that doesn't work when the film is neither funny or scary. It also doesn't work when the actors are all horrible even when they mug at the camera. And the story...wowzers. Chad Hendricks, who also directed the film, should never write another screenplay for as long as he live. The man doesn't know anything about creating interesting characters, an entertaining plotline, or engaging dialogue that would make people laugh instead of roll their eyes and think about funnier films in their minds.

The characters in this film are so stereotypical that it's pretty pathetic to watch. We have characters that have dialogue that just consists of words rhyming with each other as if they're freestyling, a black guy who acts white, a white guy who acts black, African-American girls who are nothing but hoochies, characters who enjoy rolling and smoking blunts, and the main character who sings every 90s R&B song he can think of. He sings "Knockin' Da Boots", "Get Freaky", "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye", "I Wanna Sex You Up", "Informer", and others that fail to be funny. Even the killer, who actually did the whole FRIDAY THE 13TH "Ki Ki Ki Ha Ha Ha" spiel, followed that up with "Ice Ice Baby".

WHAT THE FUCK!?

We also get the stereotypical African-American "ghetto" clothing line, eating barbecue ribs, drinking Kool-Aid, sporting Jerry Curls, and the worst hip-hop music you can even imagine. I think Kevin Federline's album was a masterpiece compared to the film's score. We also get lines of dialogue that range from "Let it marinate before you penetrate", "Cock your ass" [which supposedly refers to guns], "Fo' shizzle my nizzle", and the always clever "You know what I'm sayin'?" Deep, peeps. Deep.

The death scenes are also really ridiculous. The first one involved some dude's throat getting sliced, yet he's demanding his girlfriend to light a cigarette for him while he smokes it as he's bleeding to death. The girl doesn't even call 911 and his death is pretty much forgotten for the rest of the film. All this lasts about five minutes and I'm just scratching my head at it. We have another death where one of the characters is drowned in a jacuzzi and the main female lead, upset that he's dead because she couldn't have sex with him while on the rag [no joke], gives him a blowjob that resuscitates him once he ejaculates in her mouth.

::shakes head in disbelief::

The other major deaths involves a guy who gets strangled from behind as he's smoking a joint but refuses to die until the time on his car watch turns to 4:20, which is three hours later from the moment he started to get choked out. And let's not forget the muscle guy who chokes on dominoes while working out. Sigh...

The killer was also quite obvious, but it was treated like some twist ending that even a retard could figure out. And from what I gathered, the whole film was to give the viewer a lesson on tolerance and a way to bring different races together based on being yourself. Or something stupid like that. I went brain dead within the first 15 minutes, so I could be wrong.

The direction by Chad Hendricks was, um, there. He tried to do the usual horror cliches, like shooting the killer's face, the whole subjective POV of the killer, and slowly lead into the death scene which is supposed to build tension, but only built disgust and boredom with me. He also stole the "circle around a table" shot that THAT 70s SHOW is known for. Everything else was clumsily shot and horribly lit. But it was the best thing about the film, and it wasn't even good to begin with.

The acting was just atrocious. All these actors need to give back their SAG cards if they even have any. I can't even talk about them individually. They all fuckin' sucked. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up as quickly as Mary-Kate Olsen after she eats a leaf of lettuce. Ugh...

THINGS I'VE LEARNED AFTER GETTING KRACKER JACK'D BY THIS PIECE OF SHIT

- Girls who suck lollipops aren't impressed by bad renditions of "Knockin' Da Boots". The only thing those boots will be knockin' is your big head, homey.

- White guys not named Eminem should not act like a black guy from the 'hood. You'll only make Michael Jackson look blacker than he really is, regardless of what his DNA says.

- When the friends told the restaurant owner about their house party, he mentioned Kid 'N' Play. Don't ever make mention of a much better film. It makes your shit look shittier - if that's even possible anyway.

- Carlton was playing UNO by himself. Not a bad idea. I'd like to REVERSE back in time and SKIP watching this film altogether.

- The killer wears red shoes, glittered gloves, and a goalie hockey mask like Jason Voorhees. This may not be FRIDAY THE 13TH, but watching this is surely a sign of bad luck.

- When girls want a ride, they want to have hard and rough sex with you. When girls want sex, they want you to give them a ride to some dude that will satisfy them more than you.

- Ole Girl wore a bikini underneath her dress for the house party. Not only that, but she also brought a sexy teddy and a cat-o-nine tails in her purse because she wanted to get her "clit licked". Damn, not even Britney Spears was that skanky. She must be regular at the clinic!

- Ole Girl gave Playa Playa a blow job after his death because he died with a hard on and it was too good to waste. I think Paris Hilton just moved down to second place in the "I'm a skank whore" competition. Necrophilia is pretty tough to beat.

- If you see blood-stained handprints on the bathroom mirror, either someone was killed there or Carrie White had her period again. Will someone just remind Carrie to plug it up?

THE FINAL HOWL
I have no more words to describe how terrible KRACKER JACK'D really is. Bad EVERYTHING, and most films have at least something that is redeeming. This film has NONE. Don't rent this. Don't buy this. Don't even watch this. It's just a brain fart in cinema history. Getting that cheap prize in a Kracker Jack box is more rewarding than 5 minutes of KRACKER JACK'D. The sad part is that there's 85 more minutes after that.

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