DIRECTED BY
Paul Leder
STARRING
Joanna Kerns - Marilyn Baker
Rod Arrants - Tom Rose
Alex Nicol - Col. Davis
Nak-hun Lee - Capt. Kim
Yeon-jeong Woo - Mrs. Kim
Jerry Harke - Lt. Smith
Paul Leder - Dino
Genre - Horror/B-Movie/Science Fiction/Monster Movie/Bad Animals
Running Time - 87 Minutes
PLOT
On a trip to Disneyland, a 36-foot ape breaks out of a shipping boat, causing it to explode. After a fight with a shark, the giant ape decides to head into South Korea, destroying stuff in sight. When he falls for an American actress named Marilyn (Joanna Kerns), who is filming a film there, he kidnaps her. This, plus the city damage, has the army going after the ape, hoping to stop it before it causes any more chaos.
I swear I've seen something like this before...
REVIEW
I have three words for A*P*E:
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Thanks to a friend on Facebook who had talked about this film, I would have never known the existence of A*P*E - a South Korean and American production that was made and released around the same time Dino De Laurentiis had produced and released his remake of KING KONG in 1976. It's pretty much the same film as KING KONG. It has a giant ape. It has the ape destroying a city. It has the ape kidnapping a blonde beauty. And it has the ape being attacked by the local military. The only thing A*P*E doesn't have is any class, any dignity, or any substance that KING KONG has. But I can't say that I didn't have a ball with this stupid movie, even if it is a large piece of monkey crap.
STORY
Screenplay - I don't even know why I'm bothering with this aspect of the story. A*P*E is nothing but a cheap rip-off of the KING KONG story, just with a poorer narrative, direction, and acting.
You'll care nothing about the characters in the story, as they're all bland and one-dimensional. Marilyn is an actress who seems to love enjoying dramatizing attempted rape in grungy set locations. She's in some sort of relationship with some journalist named Tom, who left America for an assignment in South Korea just to be near her, even though she told him she needed space. Tom constantly tries to grope Marilyn, taking kisses every chance he gets while subtly implying he wants to bang her. Marilyn quietly pushes him away, saying she needs time to figure things out as she can't balance her career with her feelings for Tom. I've seen things like this on the Investigation Discovery channel, so hopefully this will have a better ending.
The Colonel character was pretty funny though, as he was a skeptic for the beginning of the film, making light of the entire situation. Then when he realized it was really happening, he had some great one-liners and facial expressions. Too bad he wasn't in the film more.
As for the ape himself, what can I say? He loves to smash things. He loves to play with things. He loves to kidnap future TV moms. And he enjoys flipping the bird at the military. Talk about character development!
The dialogue is pretty atrocious, and the journey from start to finish is very by-the-numbers. Also, the film starts with the giant ape already captured and headed to Disneyland [really??], so you have no idea what the backstory to this ape is or how they even captured him. It all just feels really random, with nothing really clicking seriously. It's amusing for an unintentional laugh, but only when the ape is onscreen really. Say what you want about that 1976 KING KONG remake. At least that film is competent. A*P*E is anything but.
Direction - Paul Leder, father of DEEP IMPACT director Mimi Leder, doesn't do much visually as a director. It's pretty much a point and shoot affair, with the use of mini set pieces in order to make the ape larger than he actually is. We get a fake giant ape hand from time to time. We obviously see objects fly towards screen being pulled on a string. Did I mention this film was made for 3D? Even in 2D, I could tell this film would have been an ultimate fail in another dimension. The sound editing is also pretty odd, with dubbing being awkward and noises not sounding consistent from one scene to the next within the same area. There's nothing really special about the look of A*P*E at all. No style, no great picture quality, and nothing visually worth talking about.
Acting - The actors are decent in their roles, I guess. Joanna Kerns, best known as the mom on Growing Pains, plays the actress Marilyn. She's a good screamer and is a pretty woman. But other than that, it's not hard to see why she went to TV acting rather than stay in film. Rod Arrants lets his 70s Lothario look do most of the talking for him, but he was okay as the "hero" Tom. Alex Nicol is kind of charming as Col. Davis, pretty much providing more life than all the other human actors combined. And the dude who played the title character seemed to be having fun acting stupid in costume. It's unfortunate he wasn't at all convincing as an actual gorilla.
VIOLENCE - A*P*E has moments of violence in it. The ape destroys cities. There's a fake gorilla vs. a dead shark battle in the water, which won't make ZOMBI 2 shake in its boots anytime soon. The ape throws rocks and other things at the military. Flaming arrows and bullets are sent towards the ape. Plus, there's that fake rape scene on a movie shoot. Even though there's some blood, I've seen more violent films than this.
SEX - Besides some implications, A*P*E is fairly tame. No nudity. No sex. Unless you count a hand glider bouncing on an ape's hand sexually stimulating, you're better off sticking to your porn.
CHEESE FACTOR - I'm not sure whether A*P*E is intentionally, or unintentionally, cheesy. But regardless, it manages to make me laugh at how ridiculous the premise is. A director is named "Dino" - making fun of producer Dino De Laurentiis. There are nods to the original PLANET OF THE APES. The acting is so wooden, it's laughable. Where else will you see "King Kong" fight "Jaws"? Foam rocks and arrows traveling on strings? Why not? Joanna Kerns seductively pleading with the ape to be gentle with her probably gave Alan Thicke a chubby. And an ape who gives the middle finger to the camera in probably the most famous moment of this film raises the cheese factor quite a bit. It's definitely a cheesy film for majority of the film, due to how awful it is.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE SEWING THE WRIST AND ARMPIT REGIONS OF MY APE SUIT TO MAKE MYSELF LOOK MORE CONVINCING
- The giant ape fought a dead shark in the water. It must've wanted to take the primate home and eat its pussy.
- "I'm a reporter, not Charlton Heston!" Judging at how Tom is striking out with Marilyn by not being able to part her Red Sea to shoot his gun inside, I can't help but agree.
- A bunch of children break into a closed amusement park called Family Land. That's messed up. It's definitely no Neverland Ranch, which I heard was open morning, noon, and night - especially for young kids. Jesus Juice, anyone?
- Marilyn had to film a "gentle" rape scene on a sleazy movie set. Man, this original version of THE ACCUSED didn't have much going for it, huh? No Oscar for you, Marilyn. I guess that's them Growing Pains...
- Marilyn wanted the big ape to be gentle with her. Surprising, since she TV married a dude who's last name is Thicke...
THE FINAL HOWL
A*P*E is something else. It's so ridiculously bad, you'd think a film studio accidentally greenlit a Saturday Night Live skit to be feature length. Bland and/or wooden acting. Boring direction. A title character who's obviously a man in a broken down gorilla suit [which is quite hilarious for all the wrong reasons]. But it does have moments that will make you laugh for how ridiculous it all is. And I was never really bored, so it has that going for it. I would recommend this film just so people can see how stupid and awful it is. But if really bad trash isn't your thing, then A*P*E is not a film worth going bananas over.
SCORE
0.5 Howls Outta 4
Moronic Mark's "Satan Screener" for A*P*E
DIRECTED BY
Anthony C. Ferrante
STARRING
Ian Ziering - Fin Shepard
Tara Reid - April Wexler
Vivica A. Fox - Skye
Mark McGrath - Martin Brody
Kari Wuhrer - Ellen Brody
Judd Hirsch - Ben
Courtney Baxter - Mora Brody
Dante Palminteri - Vaughn Brody
Judah Friedlander - Bryan
Genre - Horror/Science Fiction/B-Movie/Bad Animals/Sharks
Running Time - 90 Minutes
PLOT
Fin (Ian Ziering) and ex-wife April (Tara Reid) are on a plane heading to NYC for a book signing. You see, April wrote a book - "How To Survive A Sharknado" - making her and Fin celebrities. Unfortunately, another Sharknado hits during the flight, creating chaos. It seems a series of shark storms are heading to the Big Apple to continue the rampage they did back in Los Angeles - and Fin must protect his family and friends from a bigger, and more sillier, threat.
REVIEW
STORY
Screenplay - 2013's SHARKNADO, produced by The Asylum, was one of the biggest surprises of last Summer. While it wasn't a ratings bonanza, it took over social media and became a phenomenon within the world of pop culture. It became The Asylum's most successful film, meaning a sequel was no doubt rushed into production. Hence, I'm now discussing SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE.
And by God, this shit storm was absolutely glorious.
SHARKNADO 2 does what a sequel is meant to do - continue the story while creating bigger and badder scenarios for our characters to conquer. While the first film took its time building into the Sharknado madness, the sequel wastes no time getting right into the action - building more and more until it's insane and silly finale. And that's all I wanted from SHARKNADO 2 - a more stupid, but also more epic follow up to an already dumb movie.
Just like the last film, the story is really the aspect that no one expects to be good or anything. After all, it's a sequel to a film about a tornado of hungry sharks. Anyone wanting deep character development and fine tuned story arcs has no business watching SHARKNADO 2, or any Asylum film. But I gotta say - the script kinda surprised me in a good way here. It was pretty clever in a tongue-in-cheek, wink at the audience, sort of way. The first film took itself more seriously in a lot of ways, trying to establish itself as a movie. The sequel knows what it is and embraces the phenomenon it has become. Having certain cameos that referenced previous films and television shows was really great. Who didn't smile when Robert Hays was the pilot at the start of the film, commenting that he's used to strange situations in the air? Judd Hirsch driving a taxi cab? All you needed was Danny Devito, Marilu Henner, Christopher Lloyd, Tony Danza, and Andy Kaufman to complete the joke. Plus having Vivica A. Fox swing samurai swords like she stepped off the set of KILL BILL VOL. 1 is just great stuff. I'll get more into the cameos shortly, but I thought they added to the story rather than take away from it.
The best part was the attempt to give Fin a background of sorts, making him grounded within this crazy universe. We learn he's a New Yorker. We learn he has an estranged relationship with his best friend, who happened to marry his sister. Did I mention that their names are Martin and Ellen Brody? We find out he had a relationship with Skye, who still wants Fin. Even April is jealous that she could lose her ex-husband to this woman. While it's not deep or anything, I liked the family element and how Fin wanted to save all of them and the city he loves. It made the guy more likeable to me, wanting him to save the day and get the girl at the end. I did not expect a sequel, especially from The Asylum, to actually fill in blanks for the characters and give them a reason for existing other than food for these sharks. Gotta give the screenwriters a lot of credit for that.
As for the scenarios our characters are placed in, I thought they were a lot of fun. We get a shark attack in a subway tunnel. A Mets game gets interrupted by falling sharks. The Statue of Liberty's head gets knocked off by a Sharknado, leading to devastation CLOVERFIELD was scared to do. We get buzzsaws, chainsaws, guns, flamethrowers, swords, and even lightning rods to stop these sharks. The finale is pretty fucking wild too, more so than the previous installment. Just a lot of creative shit that no sane person would think of on a good day.
Is it the greatest script? Nowhere close. But it manages to continue the story while building upon it, even if a lot of it is totally illogical and ridiculous. But that's what you want from a film called SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE.
Direction - Anthony C. Ferrante returns to visualize the franchise he created, and I thought he did a great job. I thought the pacing was a lot better than time around, since the film is pretty much action right from the start. I thought he used the NYC location really well, with the sharks infiltrating the subway system, Liberty Island, pizzerias, and etc. The tone is consistent throughout, and the film is funny without forcing it too much. And I thought the CGI looked way better here than it did a year ago. Obviously, a budget was put into this thing and I thought it was handled fine. The picture quality is what it is. If you've seen the last film, it looks similar. Ferrante kept the visual entertainment going and I appreciated that. He could have half-assed it, knowing the film would do really well regardless due to the first film. But he really tried to make a "good" sequel, which is something he should be applauded for.
Acting - Again, SHARKNADO 2 doesn't have the greatest acting in the world. But I thought it was an improvement over the first. Ian Ziering is back as our main hero, Fin. He plays it straight and says some really ridiculous lines of dialogue without a sense of a smile. He's still a badass with a chainsaw and kept the charm from the previous film. Nice to see Steve Sanders kick some ass. Tara Reid is still the worst actress here as April, but I could tell she tried to put in a good performance. She looked really out of it in the first film. But she seemed more aware and had some fun in this one. So that's an upgrade in my opinion. Mark McGrath was fine as Martin Brody, Fin's brother-in-law. He gets to set some sharks on fire and seemed to be enjoying himself. Kari Wuhrer was cool as Ellen Brody, making me wish she was April rather than Tara Reid. Vivica A. Fox was a bad ass as Skye, but I wish her role was larger. Judd Hirsch was funny as Ben, playing up his Taxi character. Judah Friedlander has some decent moments as Bryan.
The cameos, though, were the highlight for me. Just trying to point out each actor/singer/wrestler was a lot of fun. Kelly Osbourne is a flight attendant. Robert Hays is a pilot. Perez Hilton and Jared from Subway are waiting for a train on the subway. Kurt Angle was a fire captain. Pepa and Tiffany Shepis were Ellen's best friends. Biz Markie was a pizzeria owner. Matt Lauer and Al Roker cracked me up in their scenes on the Today Show set. There are a whole lot more in the film, and most of them get eaten by sharks. So it's all in great fun. I liked the cast in this one.
VIOLENCE
You thought SHARKNADO was violent? This one takes it up a notch. A lot of sharks biting off heads while torpedoing at them. Chopped off limbs right from the start. A lot of chainsaw violence. We also get some sword play. Gun play is here too. We get a water gun turned into a flamethrower. We get sharks landing on people, killing them. We get explosions, electrocutions, and even flying within the storm and riding the shark down to the ground. Just an insane amount of violent stuff here. The final act alone satisfied the quota here. Too much fun to handle.
SEX
The last film took place in a warmer climate. This film takes place during a cooler one, so no bikinis or sexy outfits at all here. Not much to say here.
CHEESE FACTOR
The title alone, SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE, is cheesy enough. Hell, the existence of this film fills the spectrum here. A Sharknado in NYC? Insanity!
THE FINAL HOWL
I wasn't sure what to expect with SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE. B-movie sequels don't usually have a great track record, especially when they're made for SyFy by the Asylum. But SHARKNADO 2 won me over right when the tail of the airplane moved like a shark fin through the cloud [thank you AIRPLANE!]. Just a really stupid piece of shit film that will keep a smile on your face for its entire run time. Better story, direction, and acting than in the first. The cameos are worth the watch alone. The final act is something that must be watched. SHARKNADO 2 was way better than it had any right to be, which probably surprised us all while watching it. I actually thought this was better than the first film, to be honest with you. It knew what it was and it had no shame giving it to us. So bad, it was awesome. Bring on the third one!
SCORE
3.5 Howls Outta 4
DIRECTED BY
John Gulager
STARRING
Danielle Panabaker - Maddy
Matt Bush - Barry
Katrina Bowden - Shelby
Jean-Luc Bilodeau - Josh
David Koechner - Chet
Chris Zylka - Kyle
Adrian Martinez - Big Dave
David Hasselhoff - Himself
Christopher Lloyd - Mr. Goodman
Genre - Horror/Science Fiction/B-Movie/Comedy/Bad Animals
Running Time - 83 Minutes
If you've been reading this blog long enough to remember my reviews for 1978's PIRANHA and its 2010 remake, you know that I really enjoy those two B-movie centered on those killer fish. Although they're considered ripoffs of the more iconic JAWS from 1975, I find both PIRANHA films to be a lot of fun and memorable after the films are done. One of these days, I will review 1981's PIRANHA II: THE SPAWNING and the 1995 TV-movie remake of PIRANHA. But I'm not feeling suicidal right this minute, so they can wait.
However, I did decide to check out 2012's sequel to the 2010 remake - PIRANHA 3DD. It's a sequel I had been wanting to see two years ago, but kept putting off for whatever reason. A lot of my blogger friends seemed to dig it quite a bit, while other critics pretty much buried this one for being inferior to the film before it. I guess it wasn't a film I had to rush out and see, even though it had boobs, killer fish, and David Hasselhoff playing himself in his Baywatch lifeguard uniform. But I decided to take a chance on it and see which side of the spectrum I fell on when it came to this film. And while I didn't hate it like a lot of people, I was very disappointed in the film. It could have been so much better.
PLOT
A marine biology student named Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) returns home, stunned that her stepfather Chet (David Koechner) has turned her mother's water park into something made for strippers and porn stars just to make more money. Chet has been illegally drilling water from a nearby lake, awakening the giant piranha that destroyed Lake Victoria a year ago and catching their attention. Eventually, Maddy and her friends start getting attacked by the piranha while hanging by the lake. Maddy warns Chet, but he refuses to listen as he's hoping a guest appearance by David Hasselhoff will build business for the park. Unfortunately, it's only building a food supply for some hungry fish.
REVIEW
STORY
Screenplay - I think PIRANHA 3DD is greatly hurt by its script. It's not as if I was expecting an Academy Award worthy screenplay of some sort. After all, the film is about killer fish and boobs bouncing every chance they get. But the 2010 remake had a lot going for it. Both are brainless films, but PIRANHA 3D had a heart and a soul that makes it a success. Alexandre Aja and crew made a film that paid homage to the original and films they loved, while keeping it professional and creating something new that didn't insult fans of the genre. The story was simple, the characters were likeable, and the pacing was fantastic. Even the over-the-top stuff in the last half was genuinely amusing. It all felt organic and things just clicked. I wish I could say the same about PIRANHA 3DD.
For one, the characters aren't really that likeable. The first one barely had deep character development, so I didn't expect the sequel to change that. But the sequel could have at least given us characters we could care about. Honestly, I could care less about any of these victims. I should at least care about the main girl, Maddy. But she wasn't interesting enough for that to happen. She was smart, pretty, and stuck in a love triangle. But other than that, what else was there? Barry had more of a character, only because he had layers that included studying what Maddy studied to find something in common with her, hating cop Kyle, and saving a frog from a piranha because he had one as a pet once. But it still wasn't enough to root for him. Kyle was a prick cop who was the typical pretty boy douchebag, so you wanted him dead quick. Shelby was the hot virgin and that was about it. Big Dave loved fucking a pool drain. And Chet was the typical perverted owner who wanted sex to sell his business. Every character was one-note and none of them had anything of substance. Even the love triangle aspect felt bland. These characters just bored me.
Also, situations felt forced just so people could laugh or be scared. A guy screwing a pool drain isn't funny. Having a piranha lodged inside his butt crack didn't help either. The bathtub dream sequence, which was an obvious homage to A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, was pointless. The cameos from Gary Busey and Clu Gulager were handled poorly and without humor. The only real amusing parts for me were the sex scene where a piranha exits a girl's vagina and eats the dude's penis, leading to one of the greatest lines of dialogue ever...
"Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina!"
I also thought the Ving Rhames cameo with his shotgun leg was pretty funny, only because it reminded me of PLANET TERROR. And David Hasselhoff's participation in the film is the highlight of PIRANHA 3DD. Hasselhoff playing himself in a spoof-like way is just genius, as he makes fun of himself and seems to be having fun while doing it. He also had great bits of dialogue that genuinely made me laugh. In fact, I really thought the last act was pretty fun with the massacre at the water park. I just wish the two acts before it were just as fun. It's a pretty flat script with a few bright spots.
Direction - John Gulager, who directed the fun FEAST, couldn't bring that with him while directing PIRANHA 3DD. The pacing was off. The slo mo on the boobs was fun at times, but got really repetitive. While I thought the massacre was fun, it wasn't shot all that well in my opinion. It felt like a SyFy Channel film, with CGI blood and gore all over the place. It was hard to see what was going on at times due to the frantic editing and use of overcrowding CGI. The gore effects were cheap looking, but I did like the decapitation death into motorboat sequence. I felt Gulager didn't really capitalize on the situations and/or locations all that well. You could have done a lot with that water park and the location felt like an afterthought at times. I thought PIRANHA 3D handled the massacre a lot better and more inventive. Maybe the budget wasn't as bad as the previous film, but things just looked cheap. And I can't comment on the 3D, so I don't know how it looked. But I thought the visual presentation could have been much better. It should have made the script more fun than it actually was.
But the film had a lot of boobs, so I can't hate on it too much. I just wish Gulager was more tongue-in-cheek with everything. It just felt he was aping Aja's style rather than creating his own. And it didn't work all that well for him.
Acting - The acting saves this portion of the review. While the characters weren't great, at least the actors were game and having fun. Danielle Panabaker played it mostly straight as Maddy, the young marine biologist. Katrina Bowden was a super hot virgin with some great dialogue. Matt Bush played the nerd well as Barry. Chris Zylka was the perfect douche as Kyle. David Koechner was pretty funny as Chet, although he would have been great with better material. Christopher Lloyd was a nice return as Mr. Goodman, being his eccentric self. Ving Rhames was kinda amusing as Deputy Fallon, now with a shotgun for a leg. And David Hasselhoff was just amazing as himself. The whole Baywatch deal was just brilliant and a lot of fun. The acting was more than fine for a film like this. I just wish the material was stronger.
VIOLENCE
While not as violent as PIRANHA 3D, this sequel still had a lot of blood and out-of-nowhere death sequences. People get chewed up. Flying piranha bite their victim's head off pretty cleanly. A piranha feasts on a penis, leading to the owner cutting it off just to get the fish off of him. We get a decapitation scene as someone drives through a string holding a row of flags. And Ving Rhames blasting fish was pretty cool. I thought the massacre from the 2010 film was more bloody and violent, but this film held its own I guess.
SEX
Boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. Boobs of the real and fake variety. Bouncing in slow motion. Bouncing in water. Just a lot of boobs and girls in bikinis. We also get a piranha on a penis, plus a piranha up some dude's butt. It wasn't the sexiest film ever, but I'm sure it'll keep many visually stimulated.
CHEESE FACTOR
PIRANHA 3DD could have been cheesier. But David Hasselhoff trying to reprise Mitch Buchanan and realizing he's too old for the role now is just great. He knew what kind of film he was in and stole the spotlight from everyone else. Plus you have piranha invading a water park filled with strippers and porn stars. And a fish coming out of a girl's vagina, just to eat her boyfriend's penis. If that's not somewhat cheesy, I don't know what is.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WISHING THIS FILM WAS BE--- BOOBS...
- Gary Busey was chewed up by a school of piranha. In his words, I consider this Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.
- At the Big Wet Water Park, no one gets you wetter. Peter North would probably challenge that.
- A baby piranha invited itself inside of Shelby's vagina. No amount of Summer's Eve will get rid of that smell now...
- Maddy had to save Shelby during a piranha attack on a pier. Judging by what happened to her in that FRIDAY THE 13TH remake, you'd think she would have known better than to stay away from lakes.
- According to this film, tragedy makes virgin girls want to make love. Hopefully those next 30 seconds won't make the situation more tragic.
- "Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina." That might explain why I'm an only child...
- David Hasselhoff banged two girls at once because they enjoyed his singing. Nice to see someone give deaf girls some love too.
- A piranha lodged itself up one dude's ass. Man, I feel sorry for the fish.
THE FINAL HOWL
PIRANHA 3DD promised to be bigger and better. Unfortunately, this sequel just ended up being inferior to the 2010 remake and needed more bite. The characters aren't as good. The direction wasn't as polished. The stuff with the piranhas could have been more inventive. But I did like that the actors had fun with the mediocre material. I thought the third act of the film was a lot of fun. And David Hasselhoff's presence is simply the best part of the film, playing a douchier version of himself [or maybe he's really like that, who knows?]. So I'm mixed on this one. Sure it had bouncing boobs in slo-mo and decent death sequences. But I saw it done better within the franchise. Not a rush-out-to-see film, but not a bad one if you want to waste 83 minutes of your time.
SCORE
2 Howls Outta 4
New co-host, Moronic Mark, joins Reverend Phantom and I as we review WILD BEASTS
(1984) and LONG WEEKEND (1978). Plus a look at the Top 5 Killer Animal
Movies. So grab an eagle egg and your favorite ba-ba-ba-ba and enjoy.
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DIRECTED BY
William Girdler
STARRING
Christopher George - Steve Buckner
Leslie Nielsen - Paul Jenson
Lynda Day George - Terry Marsh
Richard Jaeckel - Prof. Taylor MacGregor
Michael Ansara - Daniel Santee
Ruth Roman - Mrs. Shirley Goodwyn
Jon Cedar - Frank Young
Walter Barnes - Ranger Tucker
Andrew Stevens - Bob Denning
Running Time - 97 Minutes
Genre - Horror/Thriller/B-Movie/Bad Animals
So it's finally Summer, and as usual, I decided to focus much of the season on those "animal run amok" films we all love so much, whether they're good or truly shitastic. However unlike previous years, I'll save the shark film stuff probably within Shark Week itself this August [unless it's like SHARKNADO 2: THE SECOND ONE, which arrives late July]. This time around, I plan on focusing on all sorts of animals and insects to give the theme a bit of variety.
And there's no better film to start with than 1977's DAY OF THE ANIMALS, which features a bunch of human characters getting outsmarted and terrorized by bears, lions, birds, snakes, wolves, and even dogs! They're probably not as scary as a shirtless Leslie Nielsen attempting to rape women, but I'll get to that shortly. Still, DAY OF THE ANIMALS isn't as classic by any means, but it's sure a fun way to spend 90 minutes.
PLOT
Due to us environmentally conscious folks, the ozone layer has been destroyed and ultraviolet rays are effecting animals in strange, deadly ways. This doesn't seem to bother a mountain tour guide named Steve Buckner (Christopher George), who enjoys showing people the beauty of the wilderness without the use of technology and material things. This tour, however, may be more troublesome than most since it includes a racist advertising executive (Leslie Neilsen), an annoying socialite (Ruth Roman) and her son, couples trying to keep their relationships alive, and more. Besides a hawk following them around everywhere, things go well until wolves and lions start attacking them. The dangerous tour and lack of food is creating strife within the group, which is making this DAY OF THE ANIMALS a very memorable, and cheesy, one.
REVIEW
Ever since JAWS made killer animals popular to moviegoers in 1975, a bunch of these films were made and released ad nauseum. DAY OF THE ANIMALS is one of the better "animal run amok" features to have come out during this era, attempting to create campy entertainment through a serious message about the depleting ozone layer and how it could effect the Earth if it continues. Unlike a film like THE FOOD OF THE GODS or FROGS, you gotta give credit to DAY OF THE ANIMALS for taking itself pretty seriously while unintentionally making us chuckle and laugh through its storytelling and direction.
Let's get this out of the way: the environmental message of the film is just there to give us a reason to watch DAY OF THE ANIMALS. It doesn't tell us how to stop damaging the ozone layer. It doesn't show us how it's damaging the planet. It's just there to give these animals a reason to go crazy and kill humans. And it's not really a bad thing, as it gives an excuse for why things are happening without bogging the story down with expository dialogue or a long winded prologue that's just there to pad time. I have to applaud the film for taking a topic that's still relevant today to base its story on, rather than just using the typical toxic waste, or nuclear bomb deal that would have these animals become more aggressive than usual.
So instead of a film trying to send us an important message, DAY OF THE ANIMALS is nothing more than your standard "animals run amok" flick. We have a group of characters on a mountain tour, many who have trouble getting along for whatever reason. One dude is an angry racist who seems to want to be the leader. We have an annoying Beverly Hills socialite who complains about being a single mom, as she constantly nags at her rebellious teenage son. We have a couple in love and a couple who can't really get along. We have the hero, who doesn't seem to understand why the tour isn't going as smoothly as it usually does. There's also a lost little girl, who is caught in the madness as well. As the humans deal with their own issues, animals stalk them and attack when necessary. Nothing more, nothing less. And some of these characters are so annoying, you'll want the animals to get their way. It's like NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD - just with animals instead of zombies, while it takes place outdoors rather than indoors. It's a B-movie survival film, with cheesy moments that will keep audiences entertained for the most part.
The animal attacks in the film are pretty tense, surprisingly enough. The initial wolf attack while the characters are sleeping is pretty creepy. The lion attack is tense. We get a scene where a man is attacked by a group of rattlesnakes, following by a vicious dog. There's the infamous jumping rat scene, where a group of rats hop on the local police officer, attacking his face. That scene is more funny than anything, but it's surely memorable. And we get the classic Leslie Nielsen fights a grizzly bear in a Death Battle, with no stunt double used amazingly. A lot of these "animal run amok" films have fake looking animal attacks, but DAY OF THE ANIMALS does them convincingly. I was digging it.
The direction by William Girdler, who had also directed 1976's GRIZZLY and unfortunately passed away in 1978 after directing THE MANITOU, does a pretty good job in capturing the film's premise visually. Girdler obviously uses stock footage of the animals roaming and flying through beautiful landscapes, edited quite convincingly with scenes with the actors dealing with nature getting revenge on them. The animal attacks are shot well, and quite amusing to watch. I do wish there was more variety in terms of the attacks, as they do get repetitive after a while, but Girdler gives you what many would expect from a film like this visually. And the one use of green screen is hilarious terrible in every way. What an eye sore. There are some nice moments of tension, and the flow of the film is well done as the movie flies by. Girdler makes sure the audience is never bored, which is why I got some fun out of DAY OF THE ANIMALS. I'm sure many prefer GRIZZLY, but I think this film is slightly better.
The acting is a mixed bag. Christopher George is good as the hero, Steve Buckner. There's nothing really special in terms of his performance, but he's just a likeable presence on film and brings a certain charm. His wife, Lynda Day George, is alright as the stereotypical love interest. Surprisingly, husband-and-wife don't share many scenes together, which is strange. A young Andrew Stevens is okay, probably distracted by the thought of having softcore porn sex with Shannon Tweed down the road. Ruth Roman is really annoying as Shirley Goodwyn, playing the whiny socialite who complains about being a single mom and nagging at her son constantly.
The highlight of the film, without a doubt, is Leslie Nielsen's performance as Paul Jenson. For those expecting comedic Nielsen, ala AIRPLANE! and THE NAKED GUN, will be completely shocked by Nielsen's villainous performance. Nielsen is great as a racist, sexist douche who becomes power hungry once the animals start attacking the group, feeling he knows how to survive the ordeal. Watching him slap women around, choke out children, and even attempt rape on a female character at one point while shirtless just boggles the mind. And the classic Nielsen vs. Grizzly Bear fight scene has to be seen by anyone who has one perception of the actor. I wish Nielsen had done more roles against type before his passing. While he made a lot of money being really funny, he also had great dramatic acting chops that I feel were underused. Nielsen is a great antagonist in DAY OF THE ANIMALS.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE STAYING GREEN SO ANIMALS DON'T GET MEAN
- Due to fluorocarbon gases seriously damaging the Ozone Layer, this film depicts what could happen in the future if this continues. That explains the popularity of the Jersey Shore, the Kardashians, and those Real Housewives shows. Damn UV rays...
- A curious hawk eavesdropped on a conversation, pinpointing the destination of the trip. With his animal partner, oh what a rush it will be when this Legion of Doom puts these humans in the Doomsday Device.
- Mrs. Shirley Goodwyn complained about being both a mom and dad to her son. If this was South Park, this wouldn't be an issue.
- A sleeping character was attacked by a wolf. Doesn't anyone listen when they're warned, "Keep Clear of the Moors"?
- Paul Jenson is racist towards Native Americans. With that kind of ignorance, it's no wonder he didn't know how to speak Jive up in that plane.
- A bunch of hawks attacked and murdered someone. She must have been on the production team for that BIRDEMIC: SHOCK AND TERROR film and they wanted revenge. Totally justified.
- Rats jumped and scratched Ranger Tucker's face. Like everyone else, rats do like the taste of bacon.
- The characters were attacked by lions. Man, can you feel the love tonight?
- Paul Jenson is a real bastard - hitting women, threatening children, trying to rape women, and even fighting bears. Judging by his behavior, maybe OJ Simpson wasn't the killer...
THE FINAL HOWL
DAY OF THE ANIMALS is a pretty entertaining "Animals Run Amok" flick that uses a message on the destruction of our environment by having random animals attack and kill people due to the Ozone Layer. It's nothing but fluff, with decent use of stock footage and a bad use of green screen. But it's paced really well and the actors are game for whatever, especially a great villainous performance by Leslie Nielsen - which includes him trying to molest women and fight bears. That alone is worthy of a recommendation. Not the best "Animals Run Amok" out there, but it's a harmless 90 minutes that I had more fun with than it probably deserves.
SCORE
3 Howls Outta 4
