Adam Minarovich - Drexel Vennis
Jeremy Busbee - Rafe
Michael Moore - T-Bone
Catherine Minarovich - Karen
Year - 2002
Score - BOMB [Not Worthy of a ZERO]
While many call me The Wolf, this Wolf can always enjoy a good vampire film. The fact that vampires can turn into bats while seducing women long enough to bed them as they suck the blood from their necks makes them extremely cool. Plus they embrace the darkness, just like I do. Bela Legosi, Christopher Lee, and Gary Oldham are just some who made the stories of vampires really memorable and a fave among horror fans.
You know who else is cool? Midgets. They're short. They're tough. They get more booty than the average tall man. The vertically-challenged folk sure know how to compensate for their lack of height.
So you'd think a film about vertically-challenged vampires called ANKLE BITERS would be double the cool, right? RIGHT??
Man, I should have rented 1 NIGHT IN PARIS again.
PLOT a.k.a. THE MESS I JUST WATCHED FOR 80 MINUTES
Midget vampires are attacking random dumb rednecks in a poor Southern town. Not poor in the sense that they have no money, but in the sense that I feel really bad for these people for being in such a horrible film. Anyway, these vampires are encountered by a white Blade wannabe named Drexel (Adam Minarovich) and his midget sidekick T-Bone (Michael Moore - not THAT one). The vampires escape in time as Drexel and T-Bone follow. Anyway, these midgets meet up with some black market dealers to gain access to a mystical sword that could turn a tall person into a vampire. While attacking random people for no reason other than to bore and annoy me, they find Rafe (Jeremy Busbee), a brute of a man who's only talent is to growl when he's fully transformed by the sword. Drexel and T-Bone save Rafe's sister Karen (Catherine Minarovich) before Rafe kills her, leading to a thrilling confrontation between Drexel and Rafe. Or not.
POSSIBLY THE WORST REVIEW I'VE EVER WRITTEN
First off, I'd like to make my peace. I'd like to personally apologize to the makers and fans of SNAKE PEOPLE and TROLL 2 over my harsh claims that these two films were the worst films ever made. I was wrong [which is a rarity for me] and should have realized that there are worst films than those two. Like ANKLE BITERS, which is now officially the worst film I have ever seen. I doubt I'll be apologizing for this one in a very long time.
How did this film become so bad? You had vampires and midgets. How can anyone screw that combination up? But director/writer/star actor Adam Minarovich managed to do it. It could have been a comedy-horror film, but it's not funny. It sure is horror-ible though! Horrible acting, horrible direction, horrible special effects - I've seen amateur YouTube videos that are better produced than this piece of crap!
And what kind of vampires walk like nothing in the daylight? And get this: they're not effected by the standard weapons like sunlight, garlic, crosses, or wooden stakes. Only syringes containing vampire blood can kill these vampires. WTF!? They're own blood kills them!? That doesn't make any sense! What kind of vampire film is this piece of shit!?
And then the theme song...I really miss the HALLOWEEN III "Silver Shamrock" theme song. As annoying as it was, at least it was catchy. But the theme song to ANKLE BITERS? Read the lyrics and recite them out of rhythm in a deep voice:
"Three feet tall!
Two inch fangs!
Three feet tall
Three feet tall!
Two inch fangs!
Two inch fangs.
Three feet tall!"
It just continues after that, more offbeat as it goes on. Either you'll laugh at how pathetic and terrible the song is until you can't breathe anymore, or you'll be screaming in agony while you struggle to press the mute button. And the rest of the film is actually worse than the song. I can't even explain how bad. It has to be seen to be believed.
And the "action" sequences...geez. Britney Spears' disasterous VMA performance had better choregraphy than this entire film. Whenever Drexel takes out vampires with his gun, the vampires actually walk right into Drexel and then get attacked. This is the case in the entire film. It's like that Minarovich guy sat down, watched some Van Damme or Seagal films, and decided to just wing it along with his tiny co-stars. He couldn't afford a stunt coordinator? How is that possible when the budget didn't go anywhere else? There was hardly blood. The vampires wore fake teeth you can buy in a store and wore yellow contacts. It obviously didn't go towards printing paper for scripts because no one can write something so bad as this film. Minarovich didn't give a shit about the film he was making, did he? What's worse is that his fellow actors didn't give a shit either! And frankly I don't give a shit about this film because it's driving me insane! Just the fact that I'm reviewing this is making me sterile.
Let's talk about the "direction", or as a matter of fact, the "point and shoot" process. Because that's all this dude ever did. He pointed at bad actors performing bad acting in horrible lighting to make a film. There was also bad audio as well, since Minarovich didn't seem to bother using a boom mic so we can hear the dialogue, especially Drexler's whisper. The clown sound effects and horrible DELIVERANCE-like music was so loud, I had to keep changing the volume on my TV every minute or so. Now that's not to say that Minarovich didn't have any technical ability behind a camera. He sure loves his pointless slo-mo sequences and those scenes where reverse shots were used to show the vampires jumping from the ground onto a car or something. As much as I hate the guy, Chris Crocker would have directed this film better. But then again, he'd probably just whine to me, "LEAVE ANKLE BITERS ALONE!!!" Unfortunately for me, I can't.
And Minarovich's acting was just as horrible as the direction. He thought he was Wesley Snipes in BLADE, whispering like some smoker dealing with emphysema. And he didn't even do a decent job at that. And his fighting was laughable. I can kick this dude's ass without breaking a sweat. Just sad to watch. Jeremy Busbee won't be getting a SAG card soon for his protryal as big Rafe the vampire. All he did was growl. Best performance of the lot! Michael Moore [not THAT one] was blah as midget sidekick T-Bone. At least he seemed to be having fun in the film. Wish it were contagious. And worst actor goes to Catherine Minorovich as Karen, Rafe's blonde and bored girlfriend. I swear, this woman had no acting bone in her body, nor did she care it seemed. While chaos was happening around her, all she did was stand and stare blankly like she's seen this shit before. She probably did, since her brother was the director/writer/lead actor. This film should get a Lifetime Razzie Award for Worst Film Ever Made.
THINGS I DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHILE WATCHING THIS MESS
1. Midget vampires dress like redneck bikers. I guess Larry The Cable Guy found his next co-stars!
2. Drexer talks like a bad ass. Yeah, his ass is so bad that not even diarrhea wants anything to do with it.
3. The phrase "Show me the money!" is used during a business deal between the midget vampires and humans. I wouldn't doubt that Cuba Gooding Jr. had something to do with the making of this film.
4. Both men and woman get beat up in a bar fight. Just like a regular evening at Amy Winehouse's home!
5. At the Whopper Shack, the burgers taste like piss. If you enjoy the taste of piss, you probably enjoy shit like this film as well.
6. One of the encantations to create a supreme vampire are the words, "Yo Momma!" Now c'mon! Not even Wilmer Valderrama deserves to be dragged into this yeast infection of a film!
7. If you want to steal a car, have your midget sidekick kick the car's owner in the balls. At least he'll be in jail for assault while you drive your hot stolen car.
8. If you're attacked by midget vampires while walking with your dumb girlfriend, let her get attacked while you run away. Don't worry about her. She's probably already used to be eaten.
9. One of the midget vampires got buried underneath a burning cross. It only made me want to watch Madonna's "Like A Prayer" video one more time. At least I'd be watching something good!
10. This film doesn't deserve a good 10th thing. It's lucky it got nine.
THE FINAL HOWL
DO NOT WATCH ANKLE BITERS!! I didn't even want to review this film but only did to warn everyone about it! Please for the love of God, vampires, and midgets - forget this film exists! It's that bad! I could have been watching something good, but instead was being tortured with the likes of this. If you want to see a midget film, fine. If you want to see a vampire film, fine. But don't watch a film that has both. Worst of the worst here, everyone. Don't say I didn't warn you.