Cassandra Peterson - Elvira/Morgana Talbot
William Morgan Sheppard - Vincent Talbot
Daniel Greene - Bob Redding
Susan Kellerman - Patty
Edie McClurg - Chastity Pariah
Kurt Fuller - Mr. Glotter
Jeff Conaway - Travis
Year - 1988
Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4
Ever since I could remember, I've had this thing for goth chicks. Something about the black clothing, dark eyeliner and lipstick over their pale skins, and their suicidal personalities...goth chicks turn me on. I've tried flirting with some during High School, which I responded with threats to my life via wiccan means, but those threats only turned me on more. For years I've wondered where this attraction to the world of goth originated from...until I watched ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK again this past weekend.
Oh, Elvira...how your funny one-liners, kick-ass attitude, and your two...um...pumpkins have pulled at my heart strings. Who cares if you're pushing 60? I'd still bang ya. Fuck those who say I have a grandma's complex. I'll punk them like Ashton Kutcher's been Punk'ng Bruce Willis for years now. Marry me, Elvira. A witch and a wolf would make the perfect couple. The things I'd do to y---huh? Oh right, I'm supposed to be writing a review. My bad...
Elvira (Cassandra Petersen) hosts a B-movie review show for some low-budget station [when a movie begins with a classic scene from B-movie classic IT CONQUERED THE WORLD, it grabs my immediate attention] until she quits after the main sponsor for the station pretty much harrassed her sexually. Elvira doesn't really care because her dream is to star in her own show in Las Vegas, which becomes more a reality when she learns that her great-aunt passed away [the fantasy game-show sequence after she learns this fact is hilarious]. She heads to a small community in Massachusetts, where the most exciting thing that happens is late-night bowling [I'd commit suicide if I lived there]. The moment she steps foot there, she's pretty much an outsider thanks to community social leader Chasity Pariah (played by the always show-stealing Edie McClurg). Elvira meets her Uncle Vincent Talbot (William Morgan Sheppard) at the will-reading, where she inherits her aunt's house, dog, and book of recipes to Elvira's disappointment. Vincent, however, receives nothing [making him the movie's token villain]. Hilarity ensues as all the adults in the community (except Bob, played by Daniel Greene - Elvira's love interest) blacklist her while the teenagers adore Elvira because she's fun, forward, and hella sexy - did I mention she has really big tits? You can't miss them! Eventually, Uncle Vincent [who wants the book of recipes since it's really a spell book that grants magic powers] turns the entire community against Elvira by calling her a witch...leading to a re-enactment of the Salem Trials of sorts. Elvira escapes however, realizing that Vincent has the book and is powerful as hell. This leads to the final battle between the two, leading to the greatest ending in movie history.
There's nothing I don't like in this film. Elvira is the glue that holds this movie together. She's brash and funny and tells it like it is. Plus she has great boobs, which always helps your likability [not necessary but it helps]. But seriously, Petersen plays Elvira with a charming aura that makes you laugh with her, not at her - and that's always the sign of a good actress. How can you not laugh at a line like, "And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing The Head With Two Things...I mean The Thing With Two Heads?" It's risque humor, and it's done perfectly here. Sheppard as Vincent plays the straight-man and does it well. The dude is creepy looking and compared to Elvira, you want to see less of him but in a good way. Greene is the token stupid boyfriend and Elvira's rival Patty (played by Susan Kellerman) is great as the bitch with weirdly perky breasts [the mystery of that is solved by the end of the second act]. But the best supporting character in the movie is McClurg's Chasity. She tries so hard to be a decent moral woman that she ends up looking ridiculous in every scene she's in. The picnic scene in particular where she's under a lust potion spell and stands over a man's head asking if his face was taken is just classic McClurg.There are many memorable scenes too. The whole opening credits sequence is funny stuff, as is the whole Flashdance routine in the middle of the movie [tar never looked so good on a woman except on Shakira, but that's a different story]. But the best scene is the finale, where Elvira does her Las Vegas act with singing, rapping [lol, too funny to describe], and a titilating tassel twirl with her two best assets.
I didn't believe in hypnosis until I watched those two bad boys work right in front of my gentle eyes. Who needs Celine Dion, Cher, and Toni Braxton when you can get Elvira shaking her breasts for your entertainment!? I'd pay admission multiple times to watch that. It's a crime she was never offered!
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WATCHING ELVIRA'S BREASTS
1) The TV manager for the station Elvira works for claims the ladies call him "Longhorn". The ladies call me "Road Runner". I'm still trying to figure out what that means...
2) The most fun place in Fallwell, Massachusetts is the bowling alley. Man, wouldn't I love slam my balls and pin between Elvira's gutter. STRIKE!!
3) Elvira does a mean Tony Montana impression. I would love for her to say hello to my little friend.
4) Having Elvira around while doing housework can be very motivating. Like any pirate, getting closer to Elvira's booty is worth the blood, sweat, and tears. Arrrrrrrrgh....
5) If you're a real estate agent, don't sexually harass Elvira. She'll throw your ass out on the street. When it comes to her, NO HOLDS are BARRED.
6) When Elvira's depressed, she feels like hanging herself in the oven. Unless you're Gary Coleman, how is that even possible?
7) Elvira also does a great Jennifer Beals in FLASHDANCE impression. I'd like to be her maniac all over that floor.
8) Elvira should get her own cooking show on The Food Network. Sure, Rachael Ray can make meals in less than 30 minutes. But can she bring her food to life? Or make food that makes people horny? I don't think so!
9) When Gaunk the dog transforms, he needs to twirl around to make it happen. Apparently, Gaunk is a huge fan of WONDER WOMAN.
10) Elvira is a better rapper than Kevin Federline. Guess who Britney Spears is marrying next?
THE FINAL HOWL
ELVIRA MISTRESS OF THE DARK is a guilty pleasure for the entire family. It has laughs, sex, violence, decent special effects, a punk-looking dog, and did I mention big boobs? While not a horror movie in the literal sense, it's still a movie that everyone will enjoy this October [or anytime for that matter]. Definitely worth a rental if you're not an Elvira fan. If you are, BUY BUY BUY this movie. You won't regret it. Unpleasant...dreams!