Lindsay Lohan - Aubrey Fleming/Dakota Moss
Julia Ormond - Susan Fleming
Neal McDonough - Daniel Fleming
Brian Geraghty - Jerrod Pointer
Garcelle Beauvais-Nilon - Agent Julie Bascome
Year - 2007
Score - 1.5 Howls Outta 4
Lindsay Lohan had quite the 2007. From cocaine abuse, to blabbing about fifteen actors/musicians she may had bedded, to DUI charges, to chasing former assistants in a car she carjacked from three innocent college students, to 80-something minutes of jail time, to rehab, and to recovery - Lindsay Lohan has had a roller-coaster year. Not only has her personal life been through hell and back, but so has her film career. BOBBY didn't do much business. GEORGIA RULE was pretty much forgotten about. And then we have this film, I KNOW WHO KILLED ME.
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME will probably be on many "The Worst Films of 2007" lists amongst the reviewing community. It's pretty much universally panned for being a bad film only released in theaters to capitalize on Lohan's troubles in the media. I've honestly heard two kinds of reviews for this film:
a) - The film is so bad that it should be avoided at all costs.
b) - The film is so bad that it's actually good for a laugh. Watch and be amused.
When reviews are divided as such, I get curious. So thanks to Netflix [love that company - cheap plug], I finally got to chance to rent this out and watch for myself. After 100 minutes, I realized that I'm in the "c" category:
c) This film isn't as bad as people made it out to be but it's not so bad that it's good either.
That's right, readers. I fell in the middle. I've seen worse films in 2007, like NEXT and PREMONITION, but I've seen a whole lot better too.
Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan) is an intelligent "virginal" student who always does the right things and loves to write stories. One night, Aubrey is kidnapped after a football game. She's tortured and left for dead until the FBI find her body on the road somewhere. She wakes up in a hospital, missing an arm and a leg. Though that would be bad, what's worse is that Aubrey doesn't claim to be Aubrey at all. Instead, she claims to be Dakota Moss, a foul-mouthed chain-smoking stripper with a crackhead for a mom. Feeling that she's stuck in a situation of mistaken identity, Dakota decides to find out what happened to the real Aubrey. Her parents and the cops think she's using the Dakota identity as a defense mechanism for her trauma. Or maybe Dakota is on one of her drug binges again, ready to smash her car into a tree and run away from the scene. Who in the hell knows? Or cares?
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME will not kill Lindsay Lohan's career. It's one of those films that actually has an interesting premise behind it but doesn't execute it to its fullest potential for whatever reason. There's a good film here underneath the mess that was released to theaters and DVD. Instead of a decent thriller/horror film, it's nothing more than good actors having to succumb to ridiculous dialogue and situations. Honestly, I didn't really find this film so bad that it had that good quality about it. Unlike most B-movies, this film took itself way too seriously.
Let's start with the good stuff: Lindsay Lohan. Yes, she may be a mess in her personal life. But I have never said she wasn't a good actress. Even in her worst films, she's fascinating to watch. I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is no exception. Like in THE PARENT TRAP remake, Lohan plays two roles in Aubrey and Dakota. I felt she forced it with Aubrey, as she was not believable at all as a good girl going to school and refusing sex with her quarterback boyfriend. She actually bored me as Aubrey actually. It wasn't until she became Dakota that I finally started to take interest. She was superb in the bad girl role, which I'm sure wasn't too far from her real persona. Lohan was very natural smoking, cussing up a storm, and having on-screen sex. I really enjoyed the bitchy side to Lindsay Lohan. It was quite a turn-on. So was that strip tease. Sure, she doesn't show anything we haven't seen before, but it was still nice to look at. She's a hot mess, what can I say? Let's hope that Lindsay Lohan's next role is a lot better than this one, although she wasn't too bad here.
I also thought the gore scenes were okay too. They weren't as graphic as SAW or HOSTEL, but they were decent. I wasn't cringing at anything but I wasn't rolling my eyes at it either. At least it led to Lohan having to "wear" a robotic hand covered in plastic and a fake leg. Just the thought of Robo-LiLo makes me laugh for some reason. And Aubrey's boyfriend had sex with her anyway. Wow, that guy will fuck anything and anybody won't he?
Everything else in the film was a mess. The one thing that annoyed the hell out of me was this fascination with the color blue. It was fuckin' everywhere. Blue roses. Blue clothes. Blue balls. What was up with this color? I mean sure, it was supposed to represent Aubrey, like red apparently represented Dakota. But what was the point of that? What did it mean exactly?
Speaking of points, what was this killer's motive? Why did he cut off limbs from pretty girls? Did he need a limb transplant? Does he like masturbating with a hand other than his own? Is he taking the "third leg" thing a bit too far? I had no idea why he did what he did. And the revelation of the killer's identity itself - wow, that was the best they came up with? I mean really, there could have been so many other choices for the role. But they picked that person. And it was never explained why. And he wasn't even the focus! What kind of thriller/horror film is this!? It just left me cold.
And the acting - what a waste of good actors. Julia Ormond, who's usually great in many of her films, is underused here. She had some bad moments, like when she learned Aubrey believed she was Dakota. Her "shocked" reaction was so ho-hum. It was like she found out Jessica Alba got pregnant. NO ONE CARES! And when she showed Dakota Aubrey's teddy bear and she did that voice - God, I wanted to smack her with my dick. At least she had a nice moment with Dakota when she showed her the ultrasound. And her reactions to hearing Dakota have loud sex with Aubrey's boyfriend were pretty funny. But other than that, the role could have been played by anyone. Same goes with Neal McDonough, who I enjoyed in anything that he's in but he was barely in the film. Plus he had horrible dialogue to spout out. I hope those checks were good, guys. It may have cost you both your dignity.
The direction was good. Chris Sivertson knows how to handle camera shots, lighting, and angles. It was like David Lynch-lite to me. Too bad the crappy editing, horrible pacing, and the stupid story ruined it. Maybe his next film will have people that will compliment his style, because this film sure didn't have it.
As for funny parts, the sex scene made me laugh a bit. This was mostly due to Brian Geraghty's facial expression throughout the whole thing. It was like he found out Lohan had crabs and would have to scratch himself down there for eternity.
And all the strip club scenes were so fuckin' stupid. I couldn't believe the bullshit I was hearing these people saying. Do strippers really talk like that? I'm gonna need to buy a gag if I ever decide to sleep with one.
And that video about stigmatic twins - how cheesy was that?
And the ending...um yeah. The alternate ending was even worse!
Let's just end this review as soon as possible before I know who killed me!
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE CRUSHING BEER CANS WITH MY ROBOTIC HAND
1. Aubrey's boyfriend gave Aubrey a blue rose that pricked her finger. This is a new experience for Lindsay Lohan, as she usually feels a prick on another part of her anatomy.
2. Aubrey has a thing for her gardener. Someone's been watching too much DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES!
3. The Flemings have a furless cat. Mr. Bigglesworth needs a new agent after starring in this mess.
4. Lindsay's character lost a leg due to her attacker. I say put out an APB on the only person who can benefit from this: Heather Mills.
5. Lindsay sure knows how to twirl around and grind on a strip pole. She can do that to my pole anytime she wants. As long as she's sober and clean. Which will probably be once every two years. I think I can wait.
6. Dakota Moss sure swears like a foul-mouthed sailor. It's ironic because I'm sure Dakota is into sea men.
7. Dakota needed a robotic hand and leg. I see who's gonna star in the SMALL WONDER film...
8. Don't ever ask the FBI for rubbers. They never put silencers on their guns.
9. Aubrey and Dakota may be stigmatic twins. This means that when one feels pain, so does the other twin. John Wayne Bobitt's non-twin must have been very relieved.
10. Don't ever shake hands with Robo-LiLo. She'll rip the hand right out of its socket. The pain will be a lot worse than sitting through HERBIE: FULLY LOADED.
THE FINAL HOWL
I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is definitely one of the worst films I've seen this year, but it's not totally horrible. Lindsay Lohan tried to save it but not even she completely came out of this one smelling like a blue rose. It's a shame because I feel there was a good film here before the horrible editing, dull performances, and script. I would have rather watched a documentary on all the crap Lindsay went through this year. I'm sure that would have made a much more interesting movie than I KNOW WHO KILLED ME. Rent at your own risk. You may need to "Lohan" yourself to be truly entertained by this mess.