The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Tintorera (1977)

DIRECTED BY
Rene Cardona, Jr.

STARRING
Susan George - Gabriella
Hugo Stiglitz - Esteban/Steven
Andres Garcia - Miguel
Fiona Lewis - Patricia
Roberto 'Flaco' Guzman - Colonado

Genre - Horror/Drama/Romance/Bad Animals/Sharks

Running Time - 126 Minutes


Last year during Shark Summer, I pretty much reviewed the best of the killer shark films out there. Of course, I'm talking about films like JAWS and THE REEF. While some films were pretty average, nothing I watched involving sharks [besides that crappy Halle Berry film, DARK TIDE] were particularly bad. So I pretty much knew coming into Shark Summer II that I would be reviewing some really crappy killer shark movies out there that I avoided last year. And while SHARKNADO was a bad film, yet an awesome one at the same time, I wish I could say the same for the film I'm reviewing today - 1977's TINTORERA.

There were a lot of imitators that capitalized after the massive success of 1975's JAWS. Films like SHARK KILL, MAKO: JAWS OF DEATH, and THE LAST SHARK/GREAT WHITE managed to at least take aspects of Steven Spielberg's classic movie, making somewhat watchable films regardless of their quality. But TINTORERA manages to be the exact opposite of what JAWS is. I was expecting a killer shark film. Instead, I get a softcore porn movie that just happens to have sharks in it.

I honestly want my two hours back.

PLOT
Some rich Mexican businessman named Esteban (Hugo Stiglitz) leaves the hospital after a mental breakdown, traveling in his yacht to Cancun for some relaxation. He meets some tourist named Patricia (Fiona Lewis), who doesn't think twice sleeping with the guy. While both have feelings for each other, Esteban is reluctant to reveal his true feelings which push Patricia away. While Esteban wishes he had told her how he really felt about Patricia, he's stunned when he sees her with a local playboy named Miguel (Andres Garcia). Patricia sleeps with Miguel, but disappears. Esteban and Miguel have animosity over the Patricia situation, but soon become great friends as they party with girls and sleep with them. Right away, both men decide to play a game of who can bed the most women, enjoying watching each other getting some action. Soon after, the two men meet a British woman named Gabriella (Susan George), who beds both of them at the same time and starts a threesome romance with both Esteban and Miguel.

Oh, there is also a killer tiger shark hunting people down, by the way. Blink and you might miss him!

REVIEW
I have three words for TINTORERA:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

TINTORERA has to be one of the most boring "animals run amok" films I have ever seen. I was expecting some action involving a shark terrorizing people. Instead, I get a strange homoerotic romance angle involving two men, who happen to be shark hunters [and I'll get to that shortly], bedding women and walking around each other nude without much of an issue. I wanted a damn killer shark film. If I wanted to watch softcore porn, I'd watch Skinemax at night!

I honestly have no idea how to review this piece of crap. TINTOTERA plays out like a really terrible soap opera, just with nudity and bad disco music. The film just focuses on two men seducing female tourists, sleeping with them, drinking with them, dancing with them, etc. There's an obvious homoerotic aspect in the film. In fact, one scene pretty much gives it away without really going for the gold. Esteban explains to Miguel that he isn't bothered or jealous about their three-way with Gabriella. In fact, he's excited about it because he gets to share her with Miguel and enjoys watching them together. Then the editing has both men staring at each other, with smirks on their faces. Mr. Rene Cardona, Jr. wasn't subtle. But it's never explored onscreen, but it's implied that all three had sex with each other in every possible coupling within the relationship. Yes, this is the main plot in a film called TINTORERA, which is Spanish for "Tiger Shark". Really???

Does a shark even appear? Sure, but it's barely a plot point until the final act. In fact, this shark only kills four people within two hours, making this killer fish a true underachiever. The shark doesn't look all that threatening really, or give a thrilling chase for its victim. The shark just swims around randomly, attacking people for whatever reason. It's too bad because whenever the shark bites into a victim, we see blood and dismembered body parts sinking to the bottom of the ocean. While the gore isn't great or anything, at least it's not related to softcore fucking porn! So these moments were a highlight by default.

Speaking of sharks, this film has actual shark hunting portrayed here. Yes, sharks get harpooned by divers for whatever reason. They don't use the sharks for food. They don't pull the sharks out of the water to present them as some sort of trophy to show off. They just shoot the sharks and leave them in the ocean dead.

WHY???????

I don't understand why sharks had to be murdered for a film. I really don't. It actually reminded me of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST and that film's cruel animal scenes. These scenes are only around in order to shock the audience. I get that both Esteban and Miguel are shark hunters and this is their profession. But it doesn't really add to the plot in any way. If the main shark had to "die" in order for the film to have a happy ending, fine. But why actually kill sharks that have nothing to do with the main story? I was really saddened while watching these scenes. I'm not a member of PETA or anything. In fact, I consider myself a carnivore. But the murder of these sharks that didn't harm anyone was pretty pointless, making these scenes truly messed up to watch. There was no reason for why these scenes had to be shot. Say that they're shark hunters and have them use fake dead sharks or something after the fact. I guess since they're fish, it's not a big deal. But it wasn't a highlight of the film for me, I can tell you that.

And the worst part about TINTORERA - it's dull as fuck. NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS MOVIE. For most of two hours, I watched two men wear speedoes while romancing countless women because of competition, and because they seemed to enjoy watching each other get some action in a sexual sense. Even the shark moments are pretty lame, as there's no "oomph" to them. At least these moments are advertised, which I could say for more than 90 percent of the movie. I seriously had to watch this film in three sittings because I was falling asleep. I honestly wanted to turn this film off and just bash it. But as a reviewer, I had to deal with TINTORERA until the very end. I'm not sure if the much shorter [by 40 minutes] U.S. version is any better, but I don't even care to find out.

Rene Cardona, Jr. is not a great director. Sure, some of the shots look nice and colorful. I did think the underwater shots were quite beautiful. But there's no tension here - especially since the score of the film is really bad disco music, and a shark theme that's really underwhelming. The pacing is completely off, since the film doesn't have an identity. The editing is unintentionally funny at times. Honestly, the visuals for TINTORERA are pretty consistent with the screenplay - boring. Nothing about this film will stimulate you visually, unless it's both male and female nudity [and you get more male nudity than anything].

The acting is what it is. It's not good in any sense, but I didn't find it terrible either. Nobody really stands out. Maybe Andres Garcia does, since he brings a level of charm to a one-dimensional role as Miguel. He's very popular in the Latin American entertainment industry and it's easy to see why - he's a great looking guy who has charisma. Hugo Stiglitz of NIGHTMARE CITY comes across as pretty bland as Steven/Esteban. He's really the main character of TINTORERA, but he doesn't really add much to make him exciting to watch. Both Susan George and Fiona Lewis are nice to look at in their smaller roles. But honestly, the acting here is nothing of note to really discuss in detail.

THE FINAL HOWL
Not since September 2012 have I reviewed a film for my WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza section of my blog. That is until now with this awful "killer shark" film that's anything but. Besides okay acting and some decent shots of underwater footage and the Mexican setting, there's nothing else I could really discuss positively. Plus, I don't appreciate watching real sharks getting harpooned for the sake of filming it.

If you're expecting JAWS, you'll be seriously disappointed. But if you're interested in seeing a 70s version of what Skinemax would have looked like, then be my guest. But when a film is called TINTORERA: KILLER SHARK, I'm expecting a film focused on a shark terrorizing people - not a romance drama about two men shagging a woman and possibly each other for two hours. Send TINTORERA back into the ocean and feed it to the real sharks as chum.

SCORE
0.5 Howls Outta 4

The Watchtower of Justice: Batman Year One (2011) & Catwoman (2011)

By Mike Huntley

If you were to ask anyone who the two most iconic heroes in comics were, most likely Superman and Batman would be the top of the list.  While one hero was born on another planet and was sent to Earth where he was raised by a farmer to become the world's greatest savior and a bumbling reporter for The Daily Planet, the other was a psychologically traumatized billionaire who witnessed his beloved parents get shot and murdered right in front of him as a child causing him to thirst for stopping crime any way he could by intimidating criminals with his frightening alter ego under the cover of darkness.  Batman is a character who has endured it all. He has been a dark vigilante. He's been a funny guy running around with a wise cracking kid sidekick who just could not get rid of a bomb. He's been a member of the Justice League. He's fought alongside Superman. He's been old and retired only to become Batman again or mentor a teenage Batman. There's so much that can and has been done with The Dark Knight of Gotham City. Besides 1939 through the 1940s, Batman didn't really begin to gain back an even darker and grittier style and tone until the 1970s and '80s. In the mid '80s, comic book writer Frank Miller switched over to DC Comics after previously writing Daredevil comics for Marvel. Miller really brought together quite the number of different eras of Bruce Wayne's life. Of Miller's work on Batman, there are two graphic novels that are most popular among Batman fans. They are The Dark Knight Returns, which features a 55 year old Bruce Wayne who has been long retired from being Batman until Gotham is terrorized by a gang called The Mutants. And then Miller also brought us the tale that explored The Caped Crusader's first year in action with a definitive origin story for both Bruce Wayne/Batman and Jim Gordon titled Batman: Year One. 

When Gotham City is in desperate need of heroes, two men take action but on different sides of the law. Lt. Jim Gordon just transferred to Gotham City with his pregnant wife from Chicago. Upon arriving at the Gotham City Police Department, Gordon notices corruption everywhere. Shady cops from his sleazy partner, Detective Flass, all the way up to his boss Commissioner Loeb. All of which associate and protect Gotham's biggest crime lord Carmine Falcone and his men. Meanwhile, billionaire Bruce Wayne arrives back in Gotham after being away several years traveling around the world.  One night, Bruce decides to disguise himself as a bum and observe Gotham's underworld. He gets into a fight with a Pimp, which causes a brawl attracting the attention of a local prostitute named Selina Kyle. After fighting Selina, the cops show up to stop the commotion and one of them shoots Bruce for no reason. Bruce escapes the Police car and drives home with a bad bullet wound. While sitting in the dark corridor of Wayne Manor thinking of what he should do to make the criminals afraid of him, a bat crashes through his window and lands on a sculpted head of his father. Soon, Gotham's criminals are attacked by a mysterious figure dressed as a bat with the local papers calling him The Batman. Batman's first mission is to take down Carmine Falcone's mob family and just any sleazebag who happens to catch his bat-a-rang. While the mob and the Police both try to catch and kill Batman, Selina Kyle decides to quit her prostitution job and steal from the wealthy and powerful while dressed in a cat costume. 

Batman: Year One has got to be the most adult animated Batman feature so far. I'll just go ahead and say it, if you've read the graphic novel then you've basically seen this movie. But, even though it is basically a shot by shot adaptation of the Frank Miller Batman origin story, I still recommend checking this out. Why? Because it is fun to see this classic story come to life with a wonderful voice cast and great visuals. I know that people have complained that this movie was a frame by frame replica of the comic book for the most part, but you know what? They would really be bitching if the story had been changed drastically. This ain't like remaking a movie frame by frame. With that, yeah, it is a waste. But this is different. You are talking about classic Batman stories here. Now, I wouldn't adapt this story frame by frame into a live action movie because it would be way too short, but as an animated feature, it works fine as a 60 minute movie. Animated films are generally a quick watch anyway just like usually comic books are a quick read and Batman Year One wasn't a really long story to begin with. You could basically finish reading the complete story in about an hour tops. 

One constant complaint I hear is that Batman: Year One is more of a Jim Gordon story than a Batman story. Yes, Gordon is more the main character and we are seeing everything from his point of view with some scenes being told from Bruce's side of the story. Yes, this movie is more of a crime drama than an actual superhero flick. Don't get me wrong, I love the more fantastical/comic booky Batman, but I also love the more grim and semi-realistic take on the characters as well. After all, Batman is a Human character, which is one of many reasons why we love him and look up to him so much. He isn't Superman with superhuman abilities. The man has a high tech costume and high tech gadgets and high tech vehicles at his disposal. He's in the same boat as James Bond or Ethan Hunt except he wears a frightening costume and operates out of a cave underneath his mansion. 

   As for the movie, I loved it. Gotham is a really fucked up city in this story and film. We have corrupt cops at every angle. We have the mob who basically owns the town. We have titty bars at every block. We have prostitutes from as young as 12 years old. We have Pimps that need to get their asses kicked. Gotham is one city you don't want to live in except for possibly the titty bars part. I could live with that one. I loved how the display of Gotham City was a resemblance to the Gotham City we saw in Tim Burton's Batman from 1989.  Burton was probably influenced by the graphic novel since it came out before they made the movie.  

For a short running time of an hour, we get to see Gordon and Bruce Wayne's stories unfold at a decent pace. They are definitely the most developed characters of the bunch. Due to Gordon and Wayne being the main focus in such a short story, the other characters kinda get the shaft. But, at the same time, this is a frame by frame replica of the graphic novel, which is a classic story. You find out just enough about who everyone is. Falcone is the mob leader. Loeb and Flass are shady cops who are selling drugs for Falcone on the side. Gordon doesn't want to get with the program. The Department wants to black mail or try to kill Gordon. Bruce is trying to stop crime any way possible as Batman. The cops and the mob are hunting him down. You get what's going on. It's not hard to follow the story or get an idea of who everybody is. 

Jim Gordon is a character who I always felt was underappreciated by general audiences. I mean look at the Burton/Schumacher Batman movies when all Gordon did was turn on the Batsignal and congratuate Batman for saving the day! Thank God that Nolan did the character justice in Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises. He was also given a lot to do in the wonderful animated series. But here, Gordon is the star with Bruce Wayne. We are watching Gotham and Batman mostly through Gordon's eyes. Frank Miller said that he liked to call Gordon Captain in his stories because he felt that Gordon was working his ass off to fight corruption just as much as Batman was. The characterization of Jim Gordon is great here. In particular, the scene when he is sitting at the edge of his bed next to his pregnant wife, Barbara, and is rubbing her stomach while thinking to himself...

"What was I thinking? To bring an innocent child to life in a city without hope."

And then in the window far out on the rooftops, we see Batman jump down, which is the first time in this story that we see Bruce as Batman. Great and powerful moment there.  Oh yeah, there's also a hot female cop named Sarah Essen who comes to Gotham to help Gordon track down Batman. During a coffee break, they get "close" which puts a strain on his marriage. Again, Gordon is a much greater character than some people give him credit for. All they want to see is a cool villain and Batman using his toys to take em' down. Sure, I love that stuff too but I also love great stories and well developed main and supporting characters in my Batman universe than you. 

The characterization of Bruce Wayne/Batman is pretty similar to how he was portrayed in Batman Begins minus the raspy Batman voice. We see three sides to the character. The real Bruce Wayne who he acts like when alone or with Alfred. The spoiled and womanizing playboy that the public sees. And then of course him fighting crime as Batman. My favorite Bruce/Batman scenes are early on when he gets into a brawl dressed like a bum and the one when he first decides to become a bat. We also see a flashback of his parents getting shot and his mom's pearls breaking apart. I also really dug the scene when he crashes Falcone's dinner party. Reminded me of the opening to Punisher: War Zone a little bit but minus all the blood and gore. 

I find it funny how some people even claimed that this movie was a ripoff of Batman Begins when Begins was actually inspired by this very story.  There are similiarites between Year One and Begins. The most obvious ones are that Carmine Falcone was the mob boss in both movies, Batman uses a super sonic device to attract loads of bats so he can get away from the cops chasing him, and the ending is similar with Gordon waiting on the rooftop and a mention of The Joker. 

 

Selina Kyle's story while very short was still my favorite origin story of her besides the one used in Batman Returns. Here's a tough as nails woman who will kick your ass without even breaking a sweat. She starts as a prostitute and protects both herself and young Holly Robinson who is a 12 or 13 year old hooker. Yes, a child ho! What the fuck Gotham?! Selina basically plays the older sister role. I really dug how Selina evolves from prostitution to being a cat burlar to get money for herself and Holly. 

 

All of the supporting characters play their roles well even if some are more developed than others in such a short period of time. Alfred is in this briefly. I love the scene where Bruce pays a woman $500 to act like one of Wayne's party girls so that Gordon won't suspect him of being Batman. Bruce is sitting there looking like Hugh Hefner with his robe and a girl on his arm while drinking an alcoholic beverage. Great comical moment. The script by Tab Murphy was Frank Miller's writing, but altered a bit here or there. There's even inner dialogue with Gordon and Bruce where we get to hear what they are thinking, which happens a lot in comic books. Just read a Spider-Man comic and you'll see what I mean. I know that sorta thing could turn some folks off with a movie though, but it is the comic come to life so it worked for me. I did take some issues with the film though. The biggest one was a scene where Bruce actually round house kicks a tree in half. How the hell is that even possible? I know extreme martial artists can do some crazy stuff by breaking bricks or blocks of wood by karate chopping it in half with their hand, but a fucking tree with your foot? I know this is based on a comic book, but if you're going to have a more grim and more realistic tone, make what Bruce does as believable as possible. I could see Superman pulling that off, but not Batman. There's also a scene where Bruce is chasing a car out of costume and jumps off the roof of a building to land on the truck perfectly. I could see him doing this wearing the Batsuit because the cape would glide him down but he pulls an Ethan Hunt stunt here. The biggest one is when Gordon falls off a bridge to catch his infant son and Bruce jumps in front of him to grab the child. From that distance, it would have either killed them all or put them in the hospital with a lot of broken bones.  It just really bugged me. Would have worked better if Bruce was dressed like Batman because Gordon would have caught the baby and Batman would have caught Gordon and lifted them up with his grapple gun to safety. Also, Holly kinda annoyed me a little bit with constantly saying "Selina!" in almost every sentence.

"Selina! Things are blowing up!"

"Selina! It's Batman!"

"Selina! You punched Stan!"

 

The direction by Sam Liu and Lauren Montgomery was pretty well done for the most part. I loved how they included the month and date throughout the film. They really kept it in the same spirit as the graphic novel and I enjoyed that. The look of the characters and Gotham was great too. 

   One of the biggest highlights is the voice cast who brought these characters to life. Ben McKenzie from The OC gives a great performance as Bruce Wayne/Batman. I know McKenzie got a lot of flack from fanboys who wanted Kevin Conroy to yet again for the thousandth time reprise the role he made iconic back in 1992. Guys, while Conroy is a great Batman, I wouldn't want him to play the character all the damn time. We need more variety, which makes things interesting. Sure, some actors may play the role much better than others, but it is fun hearing different actors take on Batman both in live action and animation. I also think Conroy would be wrong in playing a Bruce Wayne who is in his late 20s. A Batman who's been around a good number of years? Definitely! But, we needed someone much younger and McKenzie did a great job. He pulled off Bruce Wayne, playboy Bruce, and Batman well. He's no Kevin Conroy or Michael Keaton, but he did his thing with the character. My favorite line is when he grabs a drug dealer and says...

"You can't hurt me! Nothing harms me! I know pain! I know pain! Sometimes I like to share it with someone like you!"

Or when he crashes Falcone's dinner party and says from the darkness...

"Ladies. Gentlemen. You've eaten well. You've eaten Gotham's wealth. It's spirit, but your feast is nearly over. From this moment on, none of you are safe."

     Bryan Cranston from television's Breaking Bad was marvelous as Gordon. Just when I thought that Bob Hastings (Batman: The Animated Series) and Gary Oldman (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and The Dark Knight Rises) were the only guys I could see playing Jim Gordon, Bryan Cranston knocks it out of the park. This guy should play Gordon in the next set of live action Batman movies. Not only does he have the perfect voice, but he also can pull off the look. Outstanding performance!

Whoever suggested Eliza Dushku to play Selina Kyle/Catwoman deserves a raise. Like, seriously! I can recall years ago saying that I would love to see her play this character either in animation or live action and my wish came true. Eliza Dushku, who many remember as rogue vampire slayer Faith on the hit television series Buffy The Vampire Slayer and briefly in its spinoff Angel, was fan-fucking-tastic as Catwoman! She's got the chops to really play the bad girl that Catwoman really is. She's sexy. She's fiesty! She's purrfect! While I liked Anne Hathaway as Catwoman in Chris Nolan's The Dark Knight Rises, I would love to see Miss Dushku play the role on the big or small screen.  She's up there with Michelle Pfeiffer and Adrienne Barbeau as far as I'm concerned! 

Everybody else was pretty good too. Katee Sackhoff, from Halloween Resurrection fame, was good as Detective Sarah Essen, the woman Gordon has a kissing affair with. Jon Polito was good as Commissioner Loeb.  Alex Rocco was great as Carmine Falcone. I like how the character looked like Marlon Brando in The Godfather. Jeff Bennett has a small role as Bruce Wayne's trusty butler Alfred and does it well. No Michael Caine, Efrem Zimbalist Jr., or Michael Gough but not bad at all. Robin Atkin Downes has a small role as pre District Attorney and Two-Face Harvey Dent. Fred Tatasciore played the douchebag corrupt cop and former football player role well as Flass. I can see why they turned Flass into a disgusting fat slob in Batman Begins because he was on the inside.  Lilianna Mumy was okay as Holly Robinson even though she kinda got a little annoying in a younger sibling kinda way. Grey DeLisle was alright as both Gordon's wife Barbara and Vicki Vale. All in all, great cast.

 

Overall, Batman: Year One is a good adult oriented animated Batman movie following The Dark Knight's first year in crime fighting and the beginning of his alliance with Jim Gordon. I definitely say check it out, especially if you love the graphic novel.

 

GRADE

B+

Ever since I saw Batman Returns at the age of four years old back in 1992, I and many other Batman fans have had a craving for Catwoman, one of Batman's most iconic villains besides The Joker of course, to get her own movie. Back in the early '90s, it looked like quite the possibility with Michelle Pfeiffer reprising the role she made so iconic and Tim Burton was in talks to direct. Sadly, things didn't go as planned for Warner Bros. wanted to go in a more family friendly direction due to the all mighty parents of the world complaining that Batman Returns was too dark, violent, and adult as it was merchandising Happy Meal toys at McDonald's. I actually still own some of mine just so you know. Anyway, this put a huge damper on a Catwoman movie happening. We did eventually get a Catwoman movie in 2004 starring Halle Berry who wasn't even Selina Kyle and the setting wasn't in Gotham City. It was just one big joke on us Batman fans. We probably still won't get a solo Catwoman film starring Selina Kyle going off on her own crime spreed adventure in the streets of Gotham. But, we did see the femme fatale back in Gotham City with The Dark Knight Rises. We also got treated last year to not only Buffy The Vampire Slayer star Eliza Dushku playing the iconic cat burglar in the animated Batman: Year One movie adapted straight from the classic Frank Miller graphic novel, but we also got an awesome extra feature on the two disc DVD and the Bluray where the next DC Showcase short animated film was a solo Catwoman story! Yay!!!! 

 

   One night while on the prowl around Gotham City, Catwoman discovers a stray cat who is running from a bunch of thugs who are trying to kill it. Catwoman hides the cat and retreives a necklace around the cat's neck with rubies embedded in it. The jewels belong to crime kingpin Rough Cut. Catwoman unleashes her fury on Rough Cut and his boys at a local strip joint where there's a shoot out and she chases them down without the help of The Batman. 

Like Batman: Year One, Catwoman is a very mature animated film. At 13 minutes, it is a pretty fun, sexy, and action packed animated short. The script was done by Batman: The Animated Series scribe Paul Dini who is known as the guy who created the popular character Harley Quinn and has written a lot of great Joker stories both in The Animated Series and with the Arkham Asylum video game. I dug the whole strip club scene where we see a hot blonde take off her bra and dance around that pole with her cartoon boobs flapping although I can only imagine they are flapping since we can't see them due to the PG-13 rating but we know they are flapping around like a bunch of racoons in a gooney sack trying to get out. We also get a very nice pole dance by the very vicious yet sexy as hell Selina Kyle before she wraps her trusty whip around Rough Cut's throat wanting to know why he wanted the necklace. 

The direction by Lauren Montgomery is pretty good too. I do wish that we actually got a feature animated Catwoman film that was 70-75 minutes instead of a 13 minute short, but it works for what it is. All the sex appeal, shoot outs, car chasing. Selina stealing some poor dude's motorcycle. Catwoman causing a truck to flip similar to The Dark Knight where Batman flipped the Joker's vehicle of choice. And we also get a small cameo of little Holly Robinson at the end. All in all good stuff. Eliza Dushku returns as Catwoman and does it purrfectly. Lilianna Mumy returns as Holly Robinson. John DiMaggio was good as Rough Cut. Kevin Michael Richardson was good as Moe. And Tara Strong who is best known as Batgirl in The New Batman Adventures era of The Animated Series as well as playing Tommy's little brother Dil on Rugrats was good as stripper Buttermilk Skye. All in all good cast. 

Overall, Catwoman is definitely one for the guys and the women who love the Catwoman character. Plenty of exotic and action fun to be had here! 

GRADE

A+

Pacific Rim (2013)

DIRECTED BY
Guillermo Del Toro

STARRING
Charlie Hunnam - Raleigh Becket
Idris Elba - Stacker Pentecost
Rinko Kikuchi - Mako Mori
Charlie Day - Dr. Newton Geizler
Burn Gorman - Dr. Hermann Gottlieb
Ron Perlman - Hannibal Chau
Robert Kazinsky - Chuck Hansen
Max Martini - Herc Hansen

Genre - Action/Science Fiction/Fantasy/Monsters/Robots

Running Time - 132 Minutes


PLOT
All over the world, Kaiju [or giant monsters] have been invading to destroy the planet. The government has created an initiative where military personnel train soldiers in handling Jaegers [or giant robots] in order to fight off these monsters using brain waves. Pan Pacific Defense Corps, run by Marshal Stacker Pentecost (Idris Elba), orders two of his best pilots/soldiers, Raliegh Becket (Charlie Hunnam) and his older brother Yancy (Diego Klattenhoff), to fight off a Kaiju attacking Alaska. During the battle, Yancy is murdered and Raliegh is stranded, traumatized by his brother's death - especially since he was mentally linked with him during the battle.

Five years after this battle, Raleigh has remained in Alaska working as a construction worker. Apparently there's a plan to build a huge barrier to prevent Kaiju from attacking the area. Pentecost eventually finds Raleigh, wanting him to rejoin the team after Government funding is being stopped due to the failure of the program. Only four Jaegers remain and the Kaiju have evolved into stronger creatures. Pentecost hopes that Raliegh is the key to defeat this menace once and for all.

REVIEW
I honestly had no interest in PACIFIC RIM, even though it had some huge marketing and buzz going for it. I love Guillermo Del Toro's works as both a director and a producer, but  this film was barely on my radar even though people around me wanted to really see it. It wasn't until this week that people praised the film to me, saying it's a true blockbuster that needs to be seen in theaters. Even though I wasn't overly excited about PACIFIC RIM, I still decided to check it and see if it was worth the buzz it was getting.

To my surprise, PACIFIC RIM definitely deserves the praise and buzz it's receiving.

THE AVENGERS last year made me feel like a kid again. This year, that right goes to PACIFIC RIM. The film is just a visual spectacle that's food for the eyes. It brought me back to my youth, bringing about memories of watching GODZILLA, Voltron, and even a bit of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Watching giant robots and giant alien monsters beat the crap out of each other for a majority of 132 minutes kept me glued to my seat and put a smile on my face. Sure, it's total CGI. But once you get into the action, that aspect doesn't even matter. In fact, it felt like I was watching a live-action anime movie, just with a majority of non-Asian actors.

The story is fairly conventional. The hero has a tragic past, which motivates him til the end. The love interest has an even more tragic past, which feeds her vengeance and connects her to the hero. The boss is your stereotypical hard ass until his vulnerability is revealed, making him realize what a fool he's been for so long. The hero has a rival who learns to respect him by the end. Plus, you get the comic relief in the form of two scientists who figure out what's really going on with the Kaiju. Yet, the screenwriting and the direction give this generic action stuff some charm and a bit of a soul and heart. Even though you only know just a bit about these characters, you sort of care about them and whether they'll succeed or not. I honestly was not expecting that, since most films like this [*ahem* TRANSFORMERS] make the human characters look like idiots to do immature screenwriting. Those films are just about the spectacle and effects. PACIFIC RIM is also about that, but it also takes the time out to give these characters deep enough arcs for us to relate to. We understand why they behave as they do, and completely understand how they grow and change by the end of the film. We also get concrete answers as to why the Kaiju are attacking Earth and why they've only started to do so, even though they had been around since the Prehistoric Age. The film isn't a deep one, but it gives us enough information to care about the human elements in between the more successful action sequences.

And I got to say, Guillermo Del Toro must have had a blast making PACIFIC RIM. The battles between the Kaiju and the Jaegers are pretty epic and are very frequent as well. This helps pace the film a lot better than I had been expecting, as it felt a whole lot shorter than it actually is. I was honestly surprised that the film had ended so quickly, even though I was sitting down for almost two-and-a-half hours. Like I said, the film is basically a CGI affair. But it has to be for the story to work and the CGI used looks pretty damn great. The battles are brutal as well, as the Jaegers get destroyed and the Kaiju get amputations and even murdered. This is no Power Rangers kiddie stuff here. This is some adult action that only makes you feel younger than you actually are. Even though I knew it was all fake and cartoonish, I still connected to it and enjoyed myself. That's the sign of a great film. It may not be Del Toro's best film, but it was definitely his most fun.

The acting is also a lot better than I was expecting. Charlie Hunnam of Sons of Anarchy plays a very good hero as Raleigh. He has that Jax swagger going for him here and handles the material well. Idris Elba is great as Marshal Pentecost. Elba had an extremely stereotypical boss character, but the man knows how to bring depth to even one-note characters. I thought he was a highlight. Rinko Kikuchi does well as Mako. Her character works mainly due to her nice chemistry with Hunnam. Charlie Day from one of my favorite shows, It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, is a comedic highlight as Dr. Newton. His scenes with Ron Perlman are great. Speaking of Perlman, he's funny as Hannibal Chau. He's always a pleasure to watch on screen, and PACIFIC RIM is no exception.

THE FINAL HOWL
PACIFIC RIM may not be my favorite film of the summer, or even the year, but it's definitely the better ones I've seen. It's a B-movie with a huge budget, highlighted by a story that's actually smarter than one would expect. If you're looking for something deep and thought provoking, then the film is not for you. But if you want to see giant monsters and giant robots battle it out for supremacy, then PACIFIC RIM is the ticket to buy. I totally recommend any film that could make me feel like I'm 12 years old again. Definitely worth the price of admission.

SCORE
3.5 Howls Outta 4

The B-Movie Bungalow Presents: Sharknado (2013)

DIRECTED BY
Anthony C. Ferrante

STARRING
Ian Ziering - Fin
Tara Reid - April
Jaason Simmons - Baz
Cassie Scerbo - Nova
John Heard - George
Aubrey Peeples - Claudia
Chuck Hittinger - Matt

Genre - Horror/Science Fiction/B-Movie/Bad Animals/Sharks

Running Time - 88 Minutes


PLOT
A huge storm heads towards Los Angeles. While this on its own is a bad thing, it gets worse when it brings a whole bunch of sharks with it to terrorize the population. Fin (Ian Ziering) is a surfer/bar owner who gets his bar destroyed by this storm of sharks, leading a crew including his best friend Baz (Jaason Simmons), his potential love-interest and shark hater Nova (Cassie Scerbo), and the local bar drunk George (John Heard), to protect the townspeople, including his ex-wife April (Tara Reid) and his kids (Aubrey Peeples and Chuck Hittinger), and kill these sharks. Even though the sharks are attacking the city through strong winds and massive flooding, Los Angeles is put into more danger as a series of tornadoes swoop the sharks into it, truly making these Sharknadoes a force of nature to contend with.



REVIEW


STORY
Screenplay - I got to say this right now - as much as I was excited for IRON MAN 3, MAN OF STEEL, and FAST AND FURIOUS 6 this summer, that excitement could not compare to the excitement I had for The Asylum's newest collaboration with the SyFy Channel, SHARKNADO. I mean seriously, a tornado full of sharks attacking and killing people? I'm sold! SHARKNADO is the type of film that Shark Summer is made for. And while it's script was probably its weakest aspect, I still enjoyed the absurd story.

There's really no point in me reviewing a script to a B-movie about sharks attacking a city with the help of tornadoes. No one is reading this wondering if the film has great detail to characterization and subplots people will relate to. Just like every SyFy film that deals with this sort of thing, it involves a group of stereotypical characters trying to escape and counter a bad situation. Nothing more, nothing less. That's not to say that the characters aren't interesting. As a matter of fact, I was surprised that I actually liked most of them, enough that I wanted them to survive until the end.

Ian Ziering's Fin is a pretty great hero, although his ex-wife and daughter think he's a terrible husband/father. He's pretty selfless, quick to risk his own life in order to save others. He helps his friends escape. He goes straight to his estranged family in order to help them survive the ordeal. Along their escape, Fin stops to help stranded victims. This guy is pretty awesome. I knew nothing about his backstory really, but I knew I liked him enough to root for him. His best friend, Baz, is also quite heroic and likeable. He even gets attacked by sharks and still kicks their ass. Gotta respect that. Nova is a smart ass, but tough as nails for a bartender. She hates sharks due to her grandfather being murdered by one when she was younger. She also has a scar on her leg due to a shark bite. She's pretty much the marksperson of the group, shooting these sharks to hell. And did I mention she's hot? George is the town drunk, but a funny one who ends up doing something noble that costs him greatly. The only unlikeable characters were April and Claudia, the ex-wife and daughter. I guess they had to be for the melodrama with Fin, but I found them pretty annoying. At least Matt, the son, was a decent human being. I really was not expecting this much care for B-movie characters in a SyFy movie, so I was pleasantly surprised.

And I got to say, the stuff the writer came up with for these shark attacks were a stroke of brilliance. I won't spoil anything, but there is some epic stuff here. In fact, the final act of the film has to be one of the best 20 minute climaxes I have ever witnessed in a B-movie. The film almost lost me with the melodrama that came right before these 20 minutes [ain't nobody got time for that!]. But once the group came out on the offense to fight off the sharks, I was hooked. Just the one-liners [nice homage to JAWS] and the moves certain characters made to survive were just incredible. I'm jealous that I didn't have this much imagination to write the screenplay for SHARKNADO.

Direction - Anthony C. Ferrante directed a pretty entertaining film here. It's well paced and the picture quality looks exactly what you would expect from an Asylum movie of this caliber. The use of the cheesy CGI sharks and gore were handled very well, and I thought some of the scenes had genuine tension and suspense. Plus, Ferrante took the film seriously, yet didn't at the same time. SHARKNADO knows what it is visually, and doesn't hold back. The fact that the killer sharks attack right away made this film fun to watch.

Acting - SHARKNADO doesn't have the greatest acting in the world. If anyone expected that, then they haven't seen an Asylum/SyFy film. But it was better than what I was expecting. Ian Ziering of Beverly Hills 90210 fame is pretty damn good as the heroic Fin. I really liked his character and he brought a bit of charm and badassery to the role. Plus, how has the man not aged all that much in 20 years? The guy is almost 50 and he looks younger than some of his co-stars who are definitely younger than him. Speaking of which, Tara Reid looked terrible I thought. She was also the film's worst actor, as it seemed she didn't really care about being in SHARKNADO [I'm sure that paycheck was nice though!]. She gave a really bland performance and did nothing for me really. Jaason Simmons of Baywatch fame was good as Baz. I thought he had a lot of charm. Cassie Scerbo was good as Nova. She was very sexy, especially when she was shooting sharks. And John Heard was the comic relief as George and did it well. All the actors took their roles seriously and I think it made the film that much better to enjoy. SHARKNADO had a much better production than I was ever expecting, and I'm glad for it.


VIOLENCE
SHARKNADO definitely does not disappoint all that much as a killer shark movie. Sure, there could have been more crazy scenes of sharks attacking people from the air. But for the most part, I was pretty content with the bloodshed here. Right from the start, the sharks start hunting and eating people. Chewed off limps that spurt out a rain of blood. Sharks eating the face of some dude standing in the middle of a tornado. Sharks eating through car roofs, bursting through bars and homes, and diving through the air to swallow people below. We also get a couple of explosions, a lot of gunplay, and even a Ferris Wheel causing some good destruction by the beach. Did I mention someone leaps into a shark with a chainsaw in a scene that would make SHARK ATTACK 3: MEGALODON orgasm with pleasure? The final 20 minutes alone satisfied the violence quota.


SEX
This is definitely the tamest aspect of the film. But we do get Cassie Scerbo is a bikini, looking fine. Plus she gets her ass groped by John Heard. But other than that, not a whole lot here to talk about.


CHEESE FACTOR
It's a film called SHARKNADO. What more needs to be said?


THE FINAL HOWL
SHARKNADO won me over big time. It's stupid. It's ridiculous. It doesn't make a whole lick of sense. The CGI isn't great. The acting could be better. There's not much of a story here to really talk about. And I loved it. SHARKNADO is just a fun watch from beginning to end. This is the epitome of "so bad, yet so good". The Asylum and SyFy have done it again and they left me with a genuine goofy smile on my face. If you want to have a fun time watching a shark movie this summer, definitely stick with SHARKNADO.

SCORE
3.5 Howls Outta 4

Indie Horror Spotlight: Sledge (2013)

DIRECTED BY
John Sovie II
Kristian Hanson

STARRING
Dustin Bowman - Alex
Travis Hanson - Shawn
Stephanie Tupper - Sarah
Russell Matoes - Nash
Desiree Holmes - Michelle
Kristian Hanson - Adam Lynch
Rachel Cornell - Couch Girl

Genre - Horror/Slasher/Comedy

Running Time - 75 Minutes


This edition of "Indie Horror Spotlight" is for Kristian Hanson's and John Sovie II's independent slasher film, SLEDGE. Kristian and I have been internet buddies for a couple of years now due to mutual interests [mainly horror and pro wrestling] and I've always been entertained by his puppet work when he was in his reviewing phase of his life. However, that phase ended once Kristian started to write and work on his first feature-length film, SLEDGE. Once he had production stills and a trailer, I was one of the first people to be invited to see them, which I greatly appreciated. Now, the work on SLEDGE has been completed and Kristian has allowed me to watch a secret online screener of his film. What are my thoughts?

SLEDGE is a throwback to 1980s slashers that also happens to be a film-within-a-film. A girl (Rachel Cornell) watches Assly's True American Horror show, in which host Assly presents this week's horror movie - SLEDGE. SLEDGE is your typical slasher film with a group of friends camping in the woods for sex, booze, and feuding amongst themselves. Unfortunately, this group of friends are camping at the wrong neck of the woods, as a serial killer named Adam Lynch (Kristian Hanson) is roaming around looking for victims. Will any of this group survive and defeat Lynch, or will Lynch survive for a potential sequel?

SLEDGE, while not close to perfect, is a pretty damn good film made for only $2000. In fact, I gotta say that the picture quality for SLEDGE is downright beautiful for such a low-budget. Although there are some lighting issues at times, much of the film looks crisp and clear. The direction by Kristian Hanson and John Sovie II is pretty good, although I wish some scenes had more style to them. It was evident especially during the scene with Alex (Dustin Bowman) tells the others about the urban ghost story of Adam Lynch. The lighting is in the wrong place, so much of the scene looks too dark. Also, it's one static shot within the scene, when more angles and shot scales could have enhanced the storytelling. But other than that, it's a visually nice low-budget flick with a bit of charm that I liked looking at.

The screenplay is a bit better, as it attempts to take a generic slasher tale and make it somewhat memorable due to the film's characters. There's no real character development in the film - but really, who watches a slasher film for depth? Still, we get a bit of a romance subplot between Nash (Russell Matoes), Sarah (Stephanie Tupper), and Alex. Alex has been in love with Sarah for years, but Sarah is dating Nash. However, Sarah may have feelings for Alex and Nash. And Alex and Nash don't get along at all. In fact, Alex is a big prick who has no filter and says whatever is on his mind - no matter how offensive it may be to those around him. I can't say that any of the characters, including Michelle (Desiree Holmes) and Shawn (Travis Hanson) are all that likeable really. It's not like I want any of them to survive Adam Lynch's killing spree. But they do come across as human, as I can definitely see any group of five friends interacting the way these five do. And they're not annoying at all, just presented in a somewhat realistic manner.

The real star of the screenplay is Adam Lynch [named after horror directors Adam Green and Joe Lynch of Holliston fame] himself. He's a masked serial killer who isn't like Jason Voorhees or Michael Myers at all. This dude is all personality. In fact, I'm sure Kristian Hanson [who wrote the screenplay and plays Lynch] was inspired by both Freddy Krueger and the killer from NAIL GUN MASSACRE. Adam Lynch loves his one-liners and I gotta say, some of them had me laughing. I thought it took away how standard the film plays out, injecting it with much needed humor as if to make fun of itself. While hunting or murdering his victims, Lynch loves to crack some jokes relating to the situation. I also love that Lynch has a dim-witted sidekick named Dickie, who he frames each time a murder goes down. I thought that was seriously clever, messed up, and funny as hell. I also enjoyed the pop culture mentions as well, as Lynch sure loves his entertainment trivia. Honestly, you'll be rooting for the killer from beginning to end. He's the only one with any likeable personality. Whether that's a good thing or not, it's up to you.

I did have issues with the interruptions during the actual SLEDGE presentation. Certain times, the SLEDGE portion would cut into the young woman watching Assly's program. These scenes present this woman as someone who recently broke up with an ex who loved these kind of films. I guess watching these bad horror films [which is intentional] is a reminder of their relationship and she's in total denial about it. She gets phone calls from her best friend and her ex during the presentation, as she lies about why she's watching SLEDGE to begin with. I thought these portions were well written, but they tended to interrupt the film in places that just ruined the flow and momentum for me. I would really get into the film, but then we would go back to this girl and her problems for five minutes. Then after that, we're thrusted right back into the main story again. I'm not sure how this could have been handled better, but these interruptions were more distracting than anything.

I thought the filmmakers cast a decent group of actors who seemed convincing. In particular, I thought Dustin Bowman as Alex and Stephanie Tupper as Sarah were especially good. Bowman played the bitter, jealous prick to a tee. He's a guy I would hate to hang with, but somehow feel sorry for. And Tupper played somewhat of a bitch, but she had good chemistry with Bowman. And points have to go to Kristian Hanson as Adam Lynch. His delivery was great and he had me laughing. The other actors were good too, but I thought those three were the standouts.

And the gore was handled really well for a low-budget film. I've seen some films that have bigger budgets than SLEDGE, yet have really crappy gory moments that make you wonder where all the money went. Here, the effects are done professionally well and come across as convincing. I was really impressed.

 
All in all, SLEDGE is a pretty fun indie slasher film. It's nothing that will set any trends in the horror genre. But it's obviously Hanson and Sovie II are fans of the genre and are having fun playing with the slasher conventions. Not sure when the film will be out for public consumption, but I think slasher fans will get a huge kick out of it. I really hope Hanson and Sovie continue to make more films, especially the one they teased called THE AMISH PARADISE, with chainsaw wielding Amish killers. That looks like a lot of fun.

SCORE

2 Howls Outta 4

Jaws 3-D (1983)

DIRECTED BY
Joe Alves

STARRING
Dennis Quaid - Mike Brody
Bess Armstrong - Dr. Kathryn 'Kay' Morgan
Simon MacCorkindale - Philip FitzRoyce
Louis Gossett Jr. - Calvin Bouchard
John Putch - Sean Brody
Lea Thompson - Kelly Ann Bukowski
P.H. Moriarty - Jack Tate

Genre - Horror/Thriller/Bad Animals

Running Time - 93 Minutes


Well it's July and you know what that means - another addition of "SHARK SUMMER", 2 months where the main focus will be on those dangerous fish so many of us are fascinated with and afraid of. Last year, I started with the 1975 blockbuster classic, JAWS by Steven Spielberg. Based on Peter Benchley's best-selling novel, JAWS became a pop culture institution by becoming the first film to make over $100 million domestically. Who can forget that John Williams' score and Roy Schieder's, Richard Dreyfuss', and Robert Shaw's performances?

Obviously a lot of filmmakers couldn't, as a bunch of imitators were released quickly after JAWS' massive success. JAWS, itself, was a victim of imitators in terms of sequels that failed to live up to what Steven Spielberg and company had brought to the masses. JAWS 2 was an unnecessary sequel that was inferior in every way. Yet, it exists and I honestly don't think it's that bad. It has a great Roy Scheider performance and some tense scenes involving a shark attacking stupid characters.

Unfortunately, it didn't end at JAWS 2, as two more sequels were eventually made. I'll get to JAWS: THE REVENGE later this summer, which will probably destroy any tolerance level I have left. But right now, we're going to take a look at JAWS 3-D, or JAWS III since I watched this in 2-D. Either way you see this film, it's still a pretty bad film - although its unintentional comedy has made it somewhat a guilty pleasure for me and some other folks out there.

PLOT
Mike Brody (Dennis Quaid), growing up exponentially fast since JAWS 2, is now working at Sea World in Florida. His younger brother Sean (John Putch) is visiting him for a bit. Mike is also seeing a senior biologist named Kay (Bess Armstrong), which seems to be going very well.

Even though Mike thought he was safe from sharks, a great white shark decides to follow water skiiers into Sea World. When one of the workers ends up missing, Sea World owner Calvin Bouchard (Louis Gossett Jr.) wants the shark captured - not to stop it, but to make it a featured attraction to make more money. Mike, Kay, and a British hunter named Philip FitzRoyce (Simon MacCorkindale) capture the shark and let it heal a bit before giving it a home at the water park.

Unfortunately, Calvin's greed orders his workers to place the shark in a tank so they could do the exhibit sooner than later. However, the shark ends up in the wrong water tank and it ends up dying because of it. While Mike and Kay are upset about this, they become more upset when they realize that the shark they captured was just a baby and didn't kill one of Sea World's workers. Who did? The mama shark, who crashes into Sea World to cause havoc on the park for killing her child.


REVIEW

HITS
- The cast. JAWS 3-D is a terrible film for many, many reasons. But at least it has a group of actors who are more than decent. Honestly, they belong in a much better film.
Dennis Quaid does what he can as Mike Brody. He makes great armpit sweat stains though. Same goes with John Putch as Sean Brody, who takes a bland character on paper and makes him somewhat charming and likeable. But honestly, you'd think the screenwriters would take advantage of the family history here to create more captivating characters. It's a shame these two actors didn't have better material to play with.

Bess Armstrong was likeable as the overly perky Kay. Simon MacCorkindale has a cool accent that makes him standout. His exit was quite memorable as well. Lea Thompson, in her first film role, looks great as Kelly Ann. She's also very likeable in a small girlfriend role. And Louis Gossett Jr., coming off of an Academy Award nomination at the time, just looks silly as the slimy Calvin. But something about his performance was entertaining. I think it was because he actually had a personally one could respond to. Good cast, terrible script.

- The final act. If there's anything remotely memorable about JAWS 3-D, it's the finale. While not close to what the first two films have presented, at least it's somewhat tense and entertaining to watch. I mean, watching a giant shark breaking into Sea World and destroying stuff just to get revenge on those who murdered her child is just a lot of fun. Honestly, it's the only time that the film actually feels like a killer shark film - a.k.a. not boring like the hour commercial for Sea World that comes before it.

My only wish for this portion of the film was that the shark had eaten more stupid characters than she did. It feels fairly tame, although the film does pick up quite quickly once the mother shark makes her appearance. Sure, she scares a bunch of folks, but you never really feel like their lives are remotely threatened. Still, the last half hour is "so bad, it's good" and it puts a stupid smile on my face.

- The location. I gotta admit - I love the Sea World location. It makes JAWS 3-D look and feel different from the previous two films by taking much of the film away from Amity, and the beach setting in general. It gives reason as to why Mike Brody would be even near this sort of environment considering his past, while bringing in newer characters who all have some sort of connection to the theme park. I do think how the sharks managed to get from the beach into Sea World is pretty ridiculous. I also think the Sea World aspect could have been explored more for thrills and scares. But at least JAWS 3-D isn't a retread of JAWS like JAWS 2 was in many ways. So the film has got that going for it.

- The "special" effects. Okay, let me get this out of the way: the effects in JAWS 3-D are freakin' AWFUL. But they do up the entertainment factor ten-fold. Terrible green screen. Ridiculous looking rubber sharks. And the coup-de-grace - the shark charging towards the glass of the control center, breaking the glass without really moving at all.




And what about the shark blowing up?




Terrible 3-D at its finest. Tell me you can really hate these horrible special effects. So bad, yet so funny.

- Unintentionally funny moments like this one. While a douchey thing to do, I must commend the actor who pushed this girl's face into the glass to get a closer look of that floating head. It made me die of laughter. Thanks for that.




MISSES
- The screenplay. JAWS 3-D shouldn't have existed period. But if it had to, there should have been at least a decent script accompanying it. The issue with how terrible JAWS 3-D stems from many sources.

Before this version of JAWS 3-D was even conceived, the original plan was an idea for a JAWS spoof called JAWS 3, PEOPLE 0. NATIONAL LAMPOON writers and even PIRANHA director Joe Dante were attached to the project at one point. This was a favorable idea until the 3-D fad came back in a bad way in 1981 with COMIN' AT YA, which did well with the format even though reviews were bad for it. When studios realized that the 3-D deal could make them tons of money, they jumped on the bandwagon. This happened especially for the horror genre, in which we got AMITYVILLE 3-D, FRIDAY THE 13TH 3-D [probably the most popular and financially successful of the 3-D horror films], and of course - JAWS 3-D.

The late, great Richard Matheson was hired to write the script. However, what he wanted to create wasn't what the studio wanted. For one, Matheson was forced to put in the Brody boys to connect it with the previous two JAWS films. Matheson didn't think it made sense. The studio wanted Matheson to make the villain the same shark that was electrocuted in JAWS 2, which he thought was ridiculous. The studio even wanted Matheson to write in a role for Mickey Rooney, for whatever reason. Matheson wasn't pleased with the final product, which he claimed was revised by script doctors and Carl Gottlieb, who had revised the scripts for the other JAWS films. Matheson believed his story, along with a decent director, would have made for a good sequel.

However, I can only judge the final product. And folks, it stinks. The characters are bland and uninteresting. The only one who has any sort of personality is Calvin, only because he's the greedy businessman. Other than that, you don't really care about anyone else. Which is sad, since Mike and Sean Brody were in the first two films and you'd think the screenplay would give them something interesting to do concerning their past. But Mike seems okay with water, while Sean has a fear but goes in it anyway. Nothing is really done with their past stories, which is unfortunate.

The screenplay also doesn't have much action, or many thrills until the final act. The first hour of the film seems like a promotional ad for Sea World. Speaking of which, why would Sea World even want to be associated with a film involving a shark attacking their facility and putting their customers in danger? It really feels counterproductive. But seriously, why do I want to watch people drink at a bar, water ski, feed dolphins, and get grabbed by fake tentacles in a killer shark movie?? Who thought this was a good idea?

Honestly, there's no substance in this film. People can say all the negative things they want about JAWS 2. But at least that film had some depth to it. This film is a shallow shell of the films that established it. And even though it isn't a spoof, how come I'm still laughing at how horrible it all is? I don't blame Richard Matheson for having been ashamed of this movie. If I had a hand in producing it, I'd probably be embarrassed too. Just an awful script with bland dialogue and even blander characters. Whatever.

- The bland, dull direction. I'm not surprised Joe Alves hasn't directed a film since JAWS 3-D. He may have been a great production designer, especially on the first two JAWS films. But as a first time director, he really doesn't have a clue in what makes a thriller thrilling. For a 90 minute movie, it feels much longer than that. While the final act is better, it still takes much longer for things to happen than it ought to. The shots where the 3-D plays out are pretty annoying. In fact, Alves has no idea how to handle 3-D effects since they look extremely bad. Shots for a bitten off fish head and an amputed arm floating underwater doesn't exactly make my heart beat faster with anticipation. Even the scene where the shark breaks the glass is edited way too long. And what was up with the unnecessary slow motion during that scene? And don't get me started on the "happy" ending. Joe Alves was the wrong person to direct this film. The visuals here are pretty depressing.

THE FINAL HOWL
JAWS 3-D is a terrible film that tarnishes the JAWS name. The special effects are awful. The direction is dull. And the screenplay has no substance, as the studio just wanted to cash in on a 3-D fad at the time. And while the film is bad, it still has a decent cast, an original location, and moments that come off an unintentionally funny and entertaining. Plus, there's a JAWS movie worse than this one, which makes JAWS 3-D a more watchable film by default. A "guilty pleasure" for some, but I find this sequel to be mostly "guilty".


SCORE

1.5 Howls Outta 4