Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)

DIRECTED BY
Andrea Bianchi

STARRING
Peter Bark - Michael
Mariangela Giordano - Evelyn
Karin Well - Janet
Gianluigi Chirizzi - Mark
Simone Mattioli - James
Antonella Antinori - Leslie
Roberto Caporali - George

Genre - Horror/Zombie/Euro

Running Time - 85 Minutes

Score - 2 Howls Outta 4


**Part of Final Girl's Film Club**

Sometimes when I'm laying on my bed with a bottle of baby oil to my side while focusing on reaching temporary Nirvana, I fantasize about what it would be like to be rich and cultured. I would buy whatever I want and travel the world with my close friends to learn about other cultures and the arts. I would even marry a hot Italian woman with a son who looks like an adult dwarf wearing a toupee who wishes he was married to her rather than me. Not that I can blame the man-kid. She does have beautiful breasts. And let's not forget the zombies. They're always fun as they munch on our flesh.

Unfortunately, this life will never happen to me because I was put on this Earth to watch crap like ANKLE BITERS, BLOODY MURDER, and THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE [-shivers-]. But at least the Italian zombie flick, BURIAL GROUND: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR a.k.a. THE NIGHTS OF TERROR a.k.a. ZOMBIE 3 a.k.a. THE ZOMBIE DEAD a.k.a. HOW MANY FUCKIN' TITLES CAN ONE FILM HAVE, can put my fantasy in the form of a cheesy exploitation flick that could only come from the Italians. While it's no DAWN OF THE DEAD, THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD, or even ZOMBI 2, those zombie films can't take away the mind-boggling incest angle in BURIAL GROUND. Breast feeding has never been more inviting. Let's see how much milk we can suck out of this bad boy, shall we?

PLOT
Some old fart who looks a homeless Santa Claus (Renato Barbieri) snoops around some old catacombs near some castle. Apparently he's some sort of professor who seems to have found a way to revive the dead [maybe he was a necrophiliac - hey, they need love too!], but doesn't do much to wake them up from their hibernation. Even though he pleads for friendship like the pussy that he is, the zombies could care less and feast on his old ass. Unless you're playing Mortal Kombat II and III, friendships don't mean jack!

Anyway, it seems this professor dude invited a bunch of people [three couples - one with a dwarf passing off as a ten year old] to the castle, I guess to discuss his "discovery". Not even within a minute of settling down, the couples begin fornicating as if someone sprayed Love Potion No. 9 in the castle air or something. One of the couples don't get to finish as the dwarfishly young Michael (Peter Bark) catches them in the act and is lusting after his own mother!! Oh Momma!!

While these couples lust away at each other, the zombies surface as a single unit - hungry for some Italian flesh. Between bear traps, decapitations, glass cutting, and Michael making out with his mom for about two minutes before it being stopped, these idiot humans have no chance against the much smarter zombies. Oh to be rich and incestuous...

REVIEW
Believe it or not, I have reviewed 281 films [this is the 281st review] and none of them have been for a European horror flick like BURIAL GROUND: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR. Better late than never, right? It's quite the occasion that this film had to be the one to pop my Euro-horror review cherry, as any film that blatantly portrays incest in lieu of a zombie invasion deserves to have the attention of anyone who watches and/or reviews horror films. Is it the best zombie film I've seen? Absolutely not. Not even close. But in midst of the many negatives BURIAL GROUND visibly possesses, there's something about this cheesy film that puts a small smile on my face.

The story, like in most other Euro-horror films, is pretty non-existent for the most part. This film is about zombies feeding on stupid and oblivious humans, with everything else coming secondary to that. This does hurt the film, as it leaves the viewer with more questions than answers. For example, why did the dead wake up? The professor didn't do anything remotely magical to get their attention. I didn't see any toxic gas being used here. Why did the dead pick that exact time to finally feast? It's never explained.

Speaking of the waking dead, how did the characters who were recently murdered by the dead become zombies so damn quickly? In usual zombie films, the zombies pass on some infection to the victim to turn them into a fellow walking corpse. These zombies had no infection and were based on magic, I believe. So how did the others turn?

Also, this is the first zombie flick where the dead seem to have the power to manipulate with electricity, which is shown when the light bulbs inside the castle flickered on-and-off until there were no more lights. Not that I have a problem with this. I would just like some sort of short explanation as to what the fuck was going on. I just didn't realize Italian zombies knew the Jedi-trick or something.

And I think the thing that bugged me the most about this film: who in the hell would put a fuckin' bear trap in the garden? Is this bear country? From what I could tell, Yogi and his friends were nowhere near this place. Hell, I would think George would have told his friends about the trap. Hell, I think he would have just got rid of it just in case someone would fuckin' stick their foot in it! But I'm not an idiot, so I can't speak for George or the filmmakers of this film.

Besides the zombie invasion, the sub-plot that gets the most attention in BURIAL GROUND is obviously the incestuous relationship between Evelyn and her son, Michael. Boy, this whole idea just made me chuckle because it was just so freakin' bizarre, especially for a zombie movie. To see a dwarf passing for a child making out with a woman who's supposed to be his mother just made the whole experience more surreal than it actually was. Especially when this mother lets her son fondle and tongue her for two minutes before she decides it's wrong! The aftermath of this whole angle is pretty much worth the price of admission alone, when Michael shows Evelyn how to take breast feeding to a higher level. It's disturbing, yet funny at the same time.

The dialogue in BURIAL GROUND is also pretty funny. However I wonder if the dubbing is legit to the actual source since the DVD I watched had no Italian track with subtitles. But Michael's "Oh Momma!" exchange during his fondle session with his mom, to James' "You look just like a little whore...but I like that!" charming pick-up line [I actually had to rewind this part just to make sure I heard that right], to the Professor's frantic "No! I'm your friend!" mercy plea with the zombies - this film is full of unintentionally hysterical bits of dialogue. Usually this would drop points in my overall score of any film, but it just raised the score up a notch for making me laugh and entertaining me. Most modern comedies have nothing on this film's dumb script.

Speaking of dumb, these human characters are some of the stupidest zombie victims I have ever watched in film. They're lustful, they're selfish, and they are extremely ignorant. I mean, what dumbass would get caught in the ONLY bear trap in the entire castle grounds? What idiots would point out the obvious and just stand there as the zombies approach rather than run? Hell, there's even one dork who decides the best idea to survive the zombies is to actually let them INSIDE the castle so they can get what they're after. Um...they're after your ass, you fuckin' dipshit! They're not banging down the doors because they want a tour of the castle or to witness Michael Jackson's memorial celebration. They're hungry and you, as a fuckin' dumbass, just served them their dinner. Congratulations, you genius! And who doesn't put phones in their house in case of an emergency? And knowing that blows to the head will kill the dead, why bother attacking them anywhere BUT the head? Yeah, these guys are worth wasting my oxygen supply...

It's sad that the zombies in the film are the characters with the most development. For people who've been dead for who knows how long, they're quite intelligent and definitely know how to achieve their goals. They knew how to break down cars to stop the humans from escaping the area. They knew where the weapons were in order to break down the front door of the castle. One uses a scythe on a victim in a fantastic way. Another zombie thinks he's Peter Parker and climbs up the walls of the castle [I applauded him, by the way]. Plus these zombies knew how to use technology they had no business even knowing. These zombies were smart as hell and brains always win out in the end. Kudos, my dead friends.

The SFX and gore in BURIAL GROUND is actually pretty decent. Let's discuss the yummy gore first. We see flesh being pulled apart and eaten. We get a head being decapitated in a nice way. There's a ZOMBI 2 moment where some chick gets pierced by a shard of glass to the face - still lovely nonetheless. And then we get the infamous tit scene, where Michael gives Evelyn a breast feeding session she'll never forget. I couldn't stop laughing at how sick it was, yet it was something I had never seen in a horror film before. So it definitely won me over. The makeup job on the zombies was okay. They did look like rubber masks at some points, where the eyes were covered most of the time. The complexion on these masks looked kind of fake, as if someone molded them with apple sauce. But I gotta give credit to the men behind the SFX for added maggots and worms to these zombie faces. It definitely added to their cool factor and made things more realistic in a surrealistic sense. I did think the blood was a bit too red or too pink at times, but it didn't really distract or bother me. I thought the SFX were actually a step above from the story.

The music soundtrack was also okay. It wasn't a thrilling score, but it didn't make me want to go deaf for 85 minutes. There was a jazzy little ditty during the opening credits that made me chuckle and the soundtrack during the more horrific scenes were kind of hokey. But you know what you're getting into with most of these Italian zombie flicks, so I'm cool with it.

The direction by Andrea Bianchi, who also directed STRIP NUDE FOR YOUR KILLER, was also okay. It wasn't an exceptional piece of filmmaking but it wasn't totally incompetent either. I think the pacing was a real issue here because the film seemed really energetic at times and then just slow and lazy at others. I also didn't get much sense of suspense or tension here either. It didn't help that the filmmakers decided to have the film occur during the daytime for the most part. I also think the location of the castle and the grounds outside could have been used more. It's such a massive space that a lot of things could have occured to really create some nice atmosphere. But we don't really get that all that much, although the location shots were really beautiful. I do think the editing was very nice and the cinematography wasn't all that bad. I just wish Bianchi could have infused this film with more life [no pun intended].

The acting is pretty bad here, but I think it actually made me enjoy the film more for some reason. It's hard to really decide what was good or what was bad due to the dubbing, which can bring any great foreign film down a few pegs. I will say the dubbing was hysterical, especially Michael's, who sounded like an adult trying to act like a 10-year-old boy. It's bad enough that the actor was already an adult. The voice just seemed to rub it in. I thought the dude sounded like a creepy pedophile. So since I can't really judge the thespian work, I will say that the actress who played Janet (Karin Well) annoyed me to no end due to the screaming and whining. The character was stupid enough to get caught in a bear trap. I have no idea why the other survivors decided to lug her around. I would have left her ass to be food for the dead.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE PUTTING MY CREEPY ADULT 10-YEAR-OLD SON UP FOR ADOPTION

- In Europe, calling a woman a whore will get you laid. In America, it'll only get you in trouble. Remember, European girls are easy. American girls are prudes. John Wayne Bobbitt learned that the hard way years ago.

- Janet only seemed motivated to model when she was near a bunch of trees. Some women just can't get enough wood.

- Some women are not fans of writers. Remember, the pen is mightier than the sword. But the penis tells a better story than any pen.

- 95% of women in horror films either fall to the ground or get caught in some kind of trap while running to safety. Sorry ladies but if you're in this percentage, I'm leaving your asses behind to die. As for the other 5%, they'll probably end up traumatized, crazy, or dead in the sequel. No wonder I'm single.

- The maid got impaled through her hand by a zombie, as well as getting decapitated by them as well. Well it's about time she got nailed and gave head to someone other than her boss!

- Leslie got the skin of her face slided by a shard of window glass. It seemed like the real thing only to find...mucho distrust...the zombie's got her behind.

- Janet kept stabbing one zombie repeatedly with a poker. But it had no visible effect on him other than making him moan a few times. I have a stinkin' feeling that this zombie was in prison in his past life...

- Michael loves his mother so much that he wants to fondle and suck on her breasts. While incest is nasty, I can't blame the guy. She does have beautiful breasts. Can I be her son too?

- James pleaded for help from a bunch of monks, who turned out to be zombies that ended up eating him. I always find it interesting to see The Last Supper from a different perspective...

- Michael took his mom's breast in his mouth and chewed it right off to feast upon. Talk about a breast reduction!

THE FINAL HOWL
I wish I could have liked BURIAL GROUND: THE NIGHTS OF TERROR more but it's pretty generic and not all that well-made to be quite honest. Yet, it did entertain me and any film that works an incest angle in the manner that this film does deserves points. So let's call this a mediocre, yet extremely memorable, Italian zombie film. I think if you love zombies or Italian zombie cinema, BURIAL GROUND is a good watch. It'll make a great party night with your friends because this film is full of cheese and unintentionally funny moments. Just make sure these friends are not bouregoise. They don't believe in phones, in brains, or in incestuous children who actually look like children. Just looking out for you guys.

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

DIRECTED BYTerry Lofton

STARRING
Rocky Patterson - Doc
Ron Queen - Sheriff
Beau Leland - Bubba
Michelle Meyer - Linda
Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 85 Minutes
Score - BOMB


There are a few reasons why I haven't stepped foot into the great state of Texas.

- Armadillos.

- Bad memories of The Alamo.

- The hot temperatures.

- Leatherface and his family.

- George W. Bush.

I can probably go on. But if I had any urge to go to Texas, it was completely destroyed by THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE - a slasher film that deserved to be slashed the moment the thought to produce, distribute, and exhibit this piece of shit appeared in some dumbass' head. It's been a while since I've watched a film with no redeeming quality whatsoever - a film that's disgusted me so much that the thought of bashing the hell out of it and making it my bitch put a smile to my furry face. Yes ladies and gentlemen - the WTF? Vault is back in bizness and he sure is hungry! Yee-haw!

PLOTSome dumb broad named Linda (Michelle Meyer) gets raped by a bunch of fat, disgusting construction workers who were probably too lazy to find a goat or a sibling to fuck. Time passes and these rapists deservingly become the targets of one of the worst horror killers in the history of the genre - a motorcycle helmet wearin', camouflage suited, Darth-Vader-on-crack voiced dude/dudette with a handy nail gun he/she uses to kill people. Not only does this killer realize that nails to ANY part of the body will bring upon death to these idiots, but decides to rub it in with horrible one-liners and jokes that make Dane Cook look and sound like the funniest motherfucker of all time. Riding a banana-colored hearse and using the SAME EXACT LOCATION to murder people, will the imbred sheriff (Ron Queen) and the don't-know-jack doctor (Rocky Patterson) solve the case? Is the killer Linda? Or is it someone avenging her rape? Will someone avenge the suffering I endured after being raped by 85 minutes of this piece of shit??

REVIEWI have three words for THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Seriously, this film has got to be one of the worst films in the history of all cinema. I heard from several people that this movie was really bad. Being the masochist that I am, I just had to see it for myself. Now after soaking my infected eyes with hydrogen peroxide and finally getting my ears to stop bleeding, I have lived to tell the tale of this miserable piece of work that no one should rush out to see [but I know you will just to see if I'm right, huh?].

The story - what fuckin' story? The film starts out okay - unfortunately with a rape [when that's the high point of your narrative, we have a major problem at our hands], which is a pretty fucked up beginning but at least it gives motive to the killer and sets up the rest of the film. The problem with this whole thing stems from one thing:

The rape happens RIGHT AWAY. There's no build up to it. Rape is horrible any way you put it and it's a disgusting act to even fathom. But when I have no idea who these people are and why they're in this situation, I just don't give a fuck. And the fact that this single act led up to the rest of this turd, it makes me care less. I kept wondering who the real victim of the film was: Linda or me for even watching this?

After this whole rape mess, we see the really lame killer start shooting people with a nail gun. Now while I think a nail gun is one of the stupidest weapons used to murder people, I wouldn't have had much of a problem if the killer just offed those responsible for the rape. But does the killer do that? Of course not because it would make TOO MUCH FUCKIN' SENSE! Nah, this person is an overachiever. The killer murders anyone he/she comes across, even if they had nothing to do with the past. So the revenge part of the deal is totally out of the window because the killer is taking the anger out on people who had no part with the crime right from the start. So what's the point and why should anyone care?

Don't get me started on the characters in this film. They're all annoying. They're all fuckin' stupid. And they have some of the most disturbing sex on film. Also, characters just come and go as they please without giving the viewer any clue of who they are and what the fuck they have to do with this shitty story! Slasher films should have cannon fodder for the killer, but at least make them a stereotype or something as a way to develop character. It's not much but shit...it's something! And I really wanted the Sherriff and the Doctor to die. I have never seen two protagonists as dumb as these two. I'm surprised crime isn't higher in Texas if these are the heroes of the state. And they don't even get killed. Fuck that!

And the killer is something else. Horrible one-liners, a voice that sounds like a porn star who sucked too much dick, has cottonmouth, and dry throat, and who can constantly change shape. At points, it looks like a chick. And then he grows a few inches and becomes manly. Was the killer two people? Or was he or she Chasity Bono? I was really confused.

The rest of the dialogue was just as bad, even though I couldn't help but laugh at some of it for all the wrong reasons. Lines from the killer like "You shouldn't fall to pieces over me" when he cuts someone's arm off and "You just pissed me off!" like when someone pees on him make Freddy Krueger want to stab himself in the eyes with his knived glove. And I just love the old lady from the shop, who's the best actress in the film for a single reason I'll get to shortly, who has fond memories of the times when she "could sit outside on the outporch and not [having] to worry about mosquitoes and the killers." And let's not forget the ending where the doctor stops the murderer's terror, commenting on the killings being over, to which the Sherriff replies - "Are they?"

You're fuckin' kidding me, right?

The music in this film is probably the funniest and worst soundtrack I have EVER heard in my life. Random sounds just pop up during the most inappropriate times. Most of them come from a paino soundtrack that sounds like a cat just pounced on top of the keys and just walked across them. We have chasing music played during two couples driving slowly [???]. And then there's a song about FOOSBALL! And it plays TWICE! I seriously wanted to find the DJ to that radio station and shoot him with a nail gun myself. What the fuck was the point of that song?

The special effects are absolutely terrible. Nails stick out of flesh and just wobble anytime the victim is moved. Especially during shots when the nail supposedly impaled someone's skull. Yeah because metal through a SOLID object would wobble if moved. And how do people die from a nail through the forearm in 30 seconds? Or the leg? Hell, even the breast? God, my head hurts just thinking about it.

The "direction" by Terry Lofton, his first and only try at it THANK GOD, is terrible. The pacing is horrendous. For an 85 minute film, it felt a lot longer and I couldn't wait for it to be over. The editing is choppy. The cinematography is ugly. Nothing about the visuals pop out in any way. No tension. No suspense. No intentional fun. Nothing. Keep serving up those burgers and fries at the Drive-Thru asshole because you have no future in filmmaking!

And I won't even discuss the acting. It's all terrible and exceedingly laughable. Some people recite lines as if they're reading from cue cards and have trouble reading the words. Others overact while others underact. And these people couldn't even die right, especially that stupid bitch who got screwed in the woods and fell on top of her equally dead boyfriend in the most unbelievable way possible. The best actress was the old lady from the shop, who actually had the script RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER in plain view of the shot! And even with that help, she still missed her cues, stumbled over her lines, and even had the nerve to look at the camera at times! Wow, give Grandma an award for outshining the rest of her miserable cast. Betty White better watch her wrinkled Golden Girls ass for this lady!

THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO LEARN WHILE BEING AS HORNY AS A ROOSTER IN A CHINESE HEN CONTEST

- "The worst headaches are the ones between the eyes." No, the worst ones are from watching a piece of shit like THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE. The pain between the eyes from my pistol is the thing that's gonna ease the pain.

- Some horny broad likes to receive "organ" transplants from her "donor" boyfriend. Paris Hilton holds the World Record for receiving the most "organ" transplants in a single lifetime.

- The dumbass Sheriff called in for a stranded car he claimed has been there for days even though no sense of time has passed. Shit, I wish it was days later. Would have saved me 72 minutes.

- If you hitchhike, beware. You could get killed by a Nail Gun wearing maniac. Or star in THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE. I'll take getting killed by a nail gun, thanks.

- The outdoors turns some slut on. Funny because what will happen "indoors" will get her off.

- A couple having sex in the woods got murdered. Looks like they got nailed in more ways than one.

- The cops refused to locate missing persons at night because it was "too dark to see". Yet they can find any donut shop during any part of the day. That's how to use our tax dollars, police force!

- The killer leaped out of a swimming pool to kill some dude, not knowing how long the killer was submerged in the water to pull that off. I guess we now know what's next for Michael Phelps...

THE FINAL HOWL
The best part of THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE was watching the end credits because this film blows harder than Jenna Jameson back when she was doing porn. Yeah, there are moments that will make you laugh because of how bad this film is, but then the pain settles in and you're just left pissed off yourself for wasting time, money, and energy on such a piece of shit. If you really have the need to watch some really horrible filmmaking both behind and in front of the camera, this film is for you. Otherwise, don't bother with one of the most awful films I had the displeasure to watch and listen to. I'm nailing this bitch shut into the WTF? Vault.

Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009)

DIRECTED BY
Jack Perez (as Ace Hannah)

STARRING
Deborah Gibson - Emma MacNeil
Lorenzo Lamas - Allan Baxter
Sean Lawlor - Lamar Sanders
Vic Chao - Dr. Seiji Shimada
Dean Kreyling - US Sub Captain

Genre - Science Fiction/B-Movie

Running Time - 92 Minutes

Score - 1.5 Howls Outta 4



In the history of cinema, we have watched movie characters translate into icons. And these icons have often caused us to debate who win if they would battle each other. Some of these debates have been answered for us.

KING KONG vs. GODZILLA.

FREDDY vs. JASON.

ALIEN vs. PREDATOR.

PARIS HILTON vs. TALENT.

These battles have been long anticipated by fans and the majority of them have met our expectations. Now it's 2009 and there seems to be another battle brewing that has fans salivating:

In this corner, at 1000 feet tall and weighing a shitload of tons...MEGA SHARK!!

In that corner, at 3500 feet tall and weighing a shitload of tons...GIANT OCTOPUS!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages...let's get ready to RRRRRRUUUUUUMMMMMMBBBBBBBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEE!!!

::A minute later::

Wait, the battle is already done? Well, that was disappointing. Just like the film MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS is.

PLOT
Somewhere in Alaska, Emma MacNeil (Deborah Gibson in her finest role since Skating With Celebrities) and some fatass sidekick are in some mini-sub to watch a bunch of humpback whales get it on. Whatever floats her boat, I guess. Anyway, the military [who are usually behind everything in these sci-fi/horror flicks] begin dropping sonar bombs to see if they work or something. Being the geniuses that they are, they forgot that these bombs would scare animal life and destroy glaciers. Oh yeah - they also forgot they would release the thousand years old Mega Shark and Giant Octopus, who were trapped underwater in ice in mid-battle.

MacNeil, witnessing it all, complains about what the military has done, but the Man [a.k.a. the Government] just dismiss her 80s pop star ass. But when a dead whale shows up on the beach with a giant tooth stuck in it, MacNeil decides to steal the tooth and unravel the mystery herself. While MacNeil, her stereotypical Irish mentor (Sean Lawlor), and a Japanese scientist (Vic Chao) investigate, the Mega Shark begins attacking ships and leaping hundreds of feet in the air to attack airplanes [talk about an overachiever!] and the Golden Gate Bridge while Giant Octopus attacks Tokyo [I guess to abuse their seafood loving asses]. Some dude working for the military (Lorenzo Lamas in his finest role since appearing on TMZ the other night) kidnaps the three scientists and uses them to figure out how to stop this menace. After a quickie, MacNeil and Dr. Shimada decide that phermones are needed to attract the two beasts and lead them into battle against each other [I guess that's what you would call what they do to each other for a single minute]. I still think DEBBIE GIBSON VERSUS TIFFANY would have made a much better flick.

REVIEW
MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS, created by the shameless B-movie company The Asylum, got the attention of many due to a really cheesy trailer promoting the film's release to DVD a few weeks ago. Seriously, the thought of Debbie Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas co-starring in a film where a huge shark jumps out of the ocean just to destroy a flying plane and may have to do battle with an equally as huge octopus got a lot of people very interested in this film. We all knew it would be cheesy. We all knew it would probably be so bad that it's good. Unfortunately like most trailers, it's a whole lot better than the actual film it's promoting. It's disappointing because this could have been a really cheesy film that happened to be a lot of fun. Too bad there's not much fun here to be had.

The story...well the story isn't the point to watch this film. But then again, it fails because the film should be about Mega Shark kicking Giant Octopus' ass, yet that barely happens in this film. As a matter of fact, the two stars of the film are hardly in the film at all. The real sub-plot of the film deals with MacNeil's investigation of the two creatures and her attempts to contain them at first and then destroy them when she realizes that they'll do more damage if alive. Because this narrative isn't all that interesting, exciting, or even entertaining for much of it, it just drags the film down. Do I really need to see MacNeil and her friends stare at tubes of colorful liquids in two separate montages? Hell, I was less interested in the film and more interested in whether they would share some Kool-Aid with me. I haven't had some in a while. Pass it on to a brother! Also, the "love story" between MacNeil and Shimada was so quick and forced that it just made me chuckle at how contrived and ridiculous it all was. And don't get me started on the final act where everyone is stuck in a submarine in danger of Mega Shark and Giant Octopus finally confronting each other. It felt like it wouldn't end, with everyone making seriously strange faces and just yelling at each other. Not fun to watch, The Asylum.

The dialogue, while horrendous in every way, did make me laugh every once in a while. Especially the dialogue with that dude in the airplane, who mentions he'll get married in two days or something. What that had to do with anything is beyond me. And Shimada's random philosophical ramblings about nature, love, and whatever came to mind just made me roll my eyes. But that was his character development, so I'll take it.

And then there's the whole sub-plot involving Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus - IT NEVER HAPPENS! Well, no more than two minutes maybe and it involves recycled footage that loops. How could anyone mess up something like this? Having the two creatures do damage to large cities while the human cast reacts with shock, fear, and then bravery would have been really cool. It would have been even better if the effects were as cheesy as those in those Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers episodes, giving us a true guilty pleasure to enjoy. But out of 90 minutes, maybe 10 of those minutes are devoted to the creatures in the title while the rest involves the humans. What's the point then? It didn't help that the whole situation was treated as a serious thing, instead of being really hammy and over-the-top. It just made the whole disappointment that much worse.

The SFX, if you could call them that, are extremely laughable and more cartoonish than any Pixar film out there. I was laughing at the fact that CGI was needed for the mini-sub, humpback whales, and even a shark and octopus. They couldn't find real creatures and just input them into the scene via computer technology like in those SHARK ATTACK films? And the "fight scene" between Mega Shark and Giant Octopus was pretty lame and the CGI didn't help. But then again, I wasn't expecting a big budget here and it was decent for what it was.

The direction by Jack Perez [or Ace Hannah as he calls himself here, probably to escape the shame of directing this] is pretty mediocre. It's pretty much a point-and-shoot affair with cheesy CGI in the mix. Perez loves these weird and annoying transitions, where the screen will flash white and then in the next frame, it's in black-and-white. I guess it was an aim for style, but it just looked tacky and was pretty distracting. It's not like there are any flashbacks in this film for where that kind of effect would be suitable. The editing is pretty lazy, especially when Gibson presses some buttons with black nail polish, yet the character isn't wearing any. Plus the nail polished hand looked manly anyway, so I just laughed at the sight. It's just not a great directorial flick, but then again, no one is watching this for the technical aspects anyway.

The acting was actually better than I was expecting it to be. Lorenzo Lamas hams it up and has the worst dialogue that's so cliched that it's actually laughable. He's not a great actor by any stretch but he did okay. Vic Chao played the stereotypical Asian scientist who seemed to have read a book of Confucius proverbs before having conservations with people. He had no chemistry with Deborah Gibson, by the way. Sean Lawlor was really Irish and looked and sounded like a poor man's Sean Connery. Quite honestly, the best actor was Deborah Gibson. She won't win any awards [well maybe a Razzie or two] but at least she was convincing enough that I believed her performance. She's pretty charming, she's honest even when saying really bad dialogue, and she's not bad on the eyes even after all these years. I think she should act in more B-movies. It ain't like she's doing anything else these days, right?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE TRYING TO MAKE AS MANY DEBBIE GIBSON JOKES I COULD IN CONTEXT WITH THIS FILM

- The mountains in Alaska reminded me of The Fortress of Solitude. The sad part is that Smallville has better effects than this film.

- Deborah Gibson was fascinated by whales. Nice to see Kirstie Alley and Rosie O'Donnell still getting acting jobs despite Hollywood's body conscious standards.

- After releasing Mega Shark and Giant Octopus, Debbie Gibson had a look of terror on her face. I'm not sure if it was because of the potential destruction of the two creatures, or because she realized she's starring in a film called MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS. "Only In My Dreams" [and probably hers] would this 80s singer be in a better movie.

- Debbie has a way of seducing security guards into letting her do illegal things behind their backs. What I can say? Once she smiles at you and you get lost in her eyes, you just can't shake...her love!

- The Mega Shark jumped out of the ocean and took down a flying plane full of passengers. Even after all these years, The Sharks and The Jets are still in conflict. This is so 1960!

- Dr. Shimada seemed to have a thing for Debbie. Looks like she put a "Foolish Beat" in that young man's heart.

- It took MacNeil and Shimada to have sex in order to realize that pheromones will lure Mega Shark and Giant Octopus into their trap. This proves the Catholic Church wrong about premarital sex being completely bad. It also proves Debbie's taste in Asian cuisine is totally "Out of the Blue".

- Mega Shark destroyed The Golden Gate Bridge. First earthquakes, then Magneto, and now this? I won't be going to California anytime soon...

- Debbie Gibson uttered the words "fuck" and "shit" in this film. I never thought I'd hear those kind of words come out of her sweet mouth, but then again she's full of that "Electric Youth".

THE FINAL HOWL
I wasn't expecting a masterpiece, but I was expecting more out of MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS. Like maybe an actual decent fight between the two monsters? Hell, when you can't even live up to the title, we've got ourselves a problem. Still, it could have been a lot worse and the acting was decent for the film and the dialogue was laughable. And I have to give points for the awesome Mega Shark, who stole the show with his destroying planes, ships, and bridges. Stick with the trailer or find clips of Mega Shark destroying shit. The rest you can avoid if you don't want to be disappointed.

MORE REVIEWS FOR THIS FILM:

Freddy In Space - MS vs. GO Review

Final Girl - MS vs. GO Review

Bargain Bin Review - MS vs. GO Review

The House On Sorority Row (1983)

DIRECTED BY
Mark Rosman

STARRING
Kate McNeil - Katherine Rose
Eileen Davidson - Vicki
Janis Ward - Liz
Robin Meloy - Jeanie
Harley Jane Kozak - Diane
Jodi Draigie - Morgan
Ellen Dorsher - Stevie
Lois Kelso Hunt - Dorothy Slater
Christopher Lawrence - Dr. Nelson Beck

Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 92 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4


Sororities suffer several stereotypes. Some say that sororities are made up of dumb girls, mainly blondes, who flaunt their sexuality to get ahead in college life. Others say that sororities are nothing more than glorified pageantry and modernized domesticity. And then there are some who believe sororities consist of snobby, bitchy girls who do nothing but party, get drunk, and have promiscuous sex. Now I have nothing against the last one. As a matter of fact, I promote it. What I don't promote is pulling pranks on the House Mother and accidentally killing her instead. Unless the girls do it naked. Then I could turn a blind eye and let it slide.

Wait, what was I talking about again?

Oh right...my review for THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW. So yeah, these seven sorority babes accidentally murder their bitchy House Mother and try to cover it up before a party. Girls will be girls, ya know? Unfortunately a killer appears and seems to be targeting just these seven girls? Hmm, I wonder who the killer could be? Cliched, predictable, and silly at times, this 1983 slasher flick still manages to be a fun time. And fun times always win out for me every time, especially when it centers on cute "murderous" girls.

PLOT
We start on June 19, 1961 where a woman undergoes an emergency Caesarean during a difficult labor, only tragically losing her baby. The woman would be Mrs. Dorothy Slater (Lois Kelso Hunt), who 22 years later would become the bitchy Housemother for Theti Pi Sorority. Seven of the "sisters" have graduated college and want to throw a party at the sorority house. Unfortunately, Mrs. Slater finds out and prohibits the party from happening. Despite this, the girls decide to have the party anyway.

Things get worse when one of the girls, Vicki (Eileen Davidson), decides to bring her boyfriend to the house for some "one-on-one" on a waterbed, which Mrs. Slater stops immediately by destroying the bed with her cane. This prompts Vicki to set up a prank on Mrs. Slater as an act of revenge, to which the girls agree to. They pull off the prank the day after, with Vicki pointing a gun on Mrs. Slater to scare her. While the other girls are oblivious to this part of the prank, Mrs. Slater and Vicki fight for the gun - setting the gun off and murdering Mrs. Slater. Katherine (Kate McNeil) wants to call an ambulance and the cops to end this game, but the girls convince Kate to dump the corpse inside the dirty pool that hasn't been cleaned in years. Unfortunately for the girls, the corpse rises to the surface to be seen by anyone nearby.

The same night, the girls decide to have their Graduation Party but feel more paranoid than festive. The paranoia starts to ring true when the girls start getting killed one by one with Mrs. Slater's trademark cane with the sharp tip at the end of it. Is Mrs. Slater back from the dead? Or is there more to this story and Mrs. Slater's past than meets the eye?

REVIEW
THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW is a slasher film that slipped by for all these years until a good friend of mine informed me of a remake called SORORITY ROW would be released in October of this year. So I decided to check the original out before the remake was released. And I'm glad I did because THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW is a pretty cool slasher gem that I'm sure not many have seen or even heard of. It's got T, A, impalements, a decapitated head in a toilet, and a pop/rock group that just cracked me up with its cheesiness. All in all, an entertaining slasher.

The story is pretty generic if you've seen 80s slashers. But at least it's pretty interesting and fun to watch play out. We get the usual set up of the stereotypical characters. We get the crime that leads towards the climax. And then we have the mystery killer who sets up the twist ending with the final girl. Nothing new at all, but at least it's done in a good way. What was also interesting is that the story never centers on creating the goriest kills or even exposing a lot of skin to keep viewers captivated. Writer/director Mark Rosman makes sure to flesh out the characters just enough for viewers to either relate to them or want them dead. He also doesn't create over-the-top situations that would be quite implausible like in some other slasher films. There's a genuine feeling that Rosman was trying to make a good suspenseful horror film here and I liked that.

The only things that bothered me within the narrative:

- What was that scene with the three tighty-whities guys and the pool about? Was that really necessary? It added nothing to the film at all but maybe nausea on my part. Now I know why I switched to boxers.

- I admire the attempt of pairing Katherine and Peter on a blind date, but it just seemed really awkward. In fact, the Peter character did nothing for me until the end, where I guessed he gets killed or something. I understand that the situation wouldn't have allowed the relationship to really blossom anyway, but maybe that's why it should have been subtracted from the film. And if Rosman was trying to make Peter a red herring for the murders, it certainly didn't work.

THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW isn't a gory film for you slasher fans. There is blood and some cool impalements via a sharp cane. There's also a siluohette scene where some chick gets whacked to death. Why Cane-Fu never caught on, I'll never know. There are also a lot of throats getting slashed, with SFX so fake looking that I actually laughed. So it just raised the entertainment value for me. And then we have the classic head in the toilet, which is just too awesome for words. THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW feels more like a thriller than an actual slasher, but it doesn't take away it's watchability at all.

The music was pretty cool in this film too. Richard Band, who did the scores for RE-ANIMATOR and FROM BEYOND, does a great job with the help of the London Philharmonic Orchestra [!!!] to set up the film's mood and atmosphere. I definitely dug the score to this flick and it was nice to see a slasher film not rip off John Carpenter's legendary HALLOWEEN score and butcher it by changing into something similar that could also pass for nails on a chalkboard. The only music that was almost unbearable was by some band called 4 Out of 5 Doctors, who performed at the Graduation party. Now I love cheesy 80s music as much as anyone, but this almost reached my saturation point. And none of them got killed! No fair!

The direction by Mark Rosman is very nicely done. Being the protege of Brian De Palma, Rosman definitely learned something and you can tell from this film. There's a nice level of suspense and tension, especially during the murder sequences. Rosman creates a nice pace that builds up thickly until the act is finally done. Most horror directors seem to have forgotten that art these days. The editing is also quite good, except for the shots of the dummies filling in for the actors during their murder scenes. And the cinematography was okay as well. Rosman has moved on to family/Hilary Duff flicks these days. Nice to see he's still making "horror" films...

The acting isn't THE HOUSE OF SORORITY ROW's strong suit, but it doesn't hurt the film all that much. The big name to come out of this is Eileen Davidson, who plays the bitchy Vicki. Davidson, an Emmy-nominated soap opera actress who's currently on The Young & The Restless and did great work previously on Days of Our Lives, pretty much cements her future soap career with a dramatic performance as the instigator of the whole situation that kind of makes you want to hate her. She also shows her ta-tas and I have no complaints about. Davidson was quite fetching in 1983. Kate McNeil did a nice job as the final girl, playing the stereotypical level-headed and intelligent character well. I didn't root for her as much as other final girls out there, but she was cool. Lois Kelso Hunt played the bitchy Mrs. Slater well. I understood why her character acted the way she did but then again, I probably would have pulled pranks on her as well to get her to chill out. Harley Kozak, another soap actress, was okay as the mousey Diane. Her toilet scene is very memorable though.

The rest of the girls were "eh", especially the blonde chick, Jodi Draige, who really was a bad actress. And a bad singer. And a bad drunk. Wow, she wasn't really good at anything, was she? I will commend on whoever casted this film on picking women that actually looked realistic and not like plastic Barbie dolls. I guess Ms. Draige has one redeeming quality after all!

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE NEVER GETTING CAUGHT SCREWING ON A WATER BED

- The sorority babes wore white graduation caps and gowns. If you know anything about college or initiations into sororities, white is the last color these chicks should be wearing.

- Vicki is great at shooting a pistol. So good in fact that she made my gun shoot without even touching it. Damn, I wish she had waited until laundry day...

- Vicki likes having sex on her water bed. I can admire a girl who doesn't mind getting wet and giving her man motion sickness. Sigh...

- The band at the party was called 4 Out of 5 Doctors. How fitting since 4 out of 5 doctors said their crappy music had side effects such as headache, nausea, liver damage, deafness, and herpes. Pregnant women should not listen to 4 Out of 5 Doctors, if prevented.

- If you ever want to distract a girl from her task at hand, give her a ball. After all, most girls love playing with balls. And if they're lucky, they may receive some sharp penetration! But then again, I'm only speaking from experience.

- If you're a drunk, dumb bimbo, don't distract yourself with a spelling block that's really a jack-in-a-box. You'll probably get impaled from behind. Then again, you're probably already used to getting impaled from behind at a nightly basis. So just ignore this one.

- Don't try and bury the evidence in a nearby cemetary. The ghosts of your murderous past will mark you to death. That's what happens when you're both young and restless.

- Katherine saw a head in a toilet. I heard about shitting a log or a brick, but a head? A bit too extreme for me.

THE FINAL HOWL
THE HOUSE ON SORORITY ROW is an underrated slasher film that will no doubt get more mainstream attention as the release of the remake approaches in October. It's not the greatest, or bloodiest, or even best looking slasher in the world - but it has style and heart. 80s slasher fans will be entertained by this film. Definitely worth a look.

Slaughter High (1986)

DIRECTED BY
George Dugdale
Mark Ezra
Peter Litten

STARRING
Caroline Munro - Carol
Simon Scuddamore - Marty Rantzen
Carmine Iannaccone - Skip Pollock
Kelly Baker - Nancy
Donna Yeager - Stella
Billy Hartman - Joe
Gary Martin - Frank

Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 92 Minutes

Score - 2.5 Howls Outta 4


Being part of the graduating class of 1999, that means my 10 Year Reunion is coming up. It's not like I'm excited about it or even thinking about going. Sure, I enjoyed high school unlike most people but after not seeing people for 10 years, I don't feel exactly comfortable showing up and sharing my life with them. But then again, there's time to change my mind. Too bad watching the reunion in SLAUGHTER HIGH isn't helping any.

Originally called APRIL FOOL'S DAY before Paramount Studios took the title for their respective slasher that would come out in the same year, SLAUGHTER HIGH shows that 1986 was definitely past the peak of the slasher film. But even though the film is a bad one, it's one of those cheesy B-movies that happens to be mildly entertaining for its terrible acting and pretty cool death sequences. Let's see why we should be somewhat cautious stepping back into the halls of SLAUGHTER HIGH.

PLOT
Marty Rantzen (Simon Scuddamore) is your typical high school nerd that constantly gets picked on by the "cool" kids. One April Fool's Day [which also happens to be Marty birthday], the beautiful [and 20 years too old for high school] Carol (Caroline Munro) seduces Marty into the Girl's Locker Room. Thinking he's gonna have sex with Carol, Marty is surprised to see Carol and her friends video taping him in his birthday suit before giving him a swirlie to further his embarassment. Carol and her friends are punished, but they're not done with Marty. After giving Marty a spiked joint, Skip (Carmine Iannaccone) adds a special ingredient to Marty's chemistry experiment - so special that it causes an accident that burns Marty severely and traumatizes the poor guy.

Ten years [or five, according to the cheesy trailer] pass and the "cool" kids have all been invited to a high school reunion at the old school. The strange and funny thing is that they're the only group invited to this celebration. How long will it take these idiots to figure out why they're there? Will Marty kill them one by one or will he received another swirlie ten years in the making? And isn't there an age limit to how old people can be in high school? I mean, geez - it's pretty sad to see thirtysomethings going for their diplomas. G.E.D. anyone?

REVIEW
SLAUGHTER HIGH is a film I haven't seen since the early 1990s that I decided to watch again to see how it held up. Well the film doesn't hold up all that well. In fact, SLAUGHTER HIGH is a pretty crappy flick that has some terrible thespian work and really bland cinematography. But hell, the negatives actually create a bit of humor and cheesiness that's actually a bit entertaining and even infectious in a B-movie nostalgic sort of way. SLAUGHTER HIGH isn't the greatest slasher flick out there but at least it tries.

The story is pretty generic if you know you're way around a slasher. Someone gets picked on and he extracts his revenge on those who messed with him in grisly ways. Nothing more, nothing less. The killer obviously has a mask and costume - in this case a jester mask - and uses multiple methods to murder his victims. And the victims are either horny, stupid, or annoying enough to feel good about wishing them dead in grisly ways. It's a slasher formula that has worked for years in the 80s and it does it job here.

The major issues with the narrative [which pretty much make the film a guilty pleasure to begin with] are with some of the actions by the characters. For one, someone dies and one of the victims who witnessed this murder decides it's a great fuckin' time to take a bath. Sure, I appreciated the gratuitous nudity, but does that make any sense to you? And what about the couple that has sex even though they know someone wants them dead? Hey, why not make whoopie when your life is about to end? You gotta die happy, right? And I just love the fact that a 120 pound wimp can lift a 200 pound guy by the neck with one arm. Remember - chemicals and the trauma caused by them can lead to superhuman strength! And let's not forget the ability to be everywhere at once! At least it's explained in the end but still...pretty silly stuff.

I also must thank the casting director for hiring middle-aged actors to play teenagers and then their twenty-something counterparts. Caroline Munro is hot but she wishes she could be 17 again. I wouldn't have been surprised if anyone confused her and her fellow thespians to be members of the school faculty. I found the entire idea hilarious.

The gore is pretty cool in the film though for the right reasons. The Marty burn scene is nice and I love the stomach explosion after drinking beer. The acid scene is cheesy looking but in a good way. And I love that electrocution during sex scene. I need a great laugh every once in a while. I wonder if it was good for them as it was for me...

The music by Harry Manfredini, who did the score for the classic FRIDAY THE 13TH, is pretty silly but it fit the film's atmosphere well. It did annoy me though with the vocals and that wannabe Joker laugh. But then again, it matched the cheesiness of SLAUGHTER HIGH.

The direction by George Dugdale, Mark Ezra, and Peter Litten was nothing remotely special. It's your standard slasher filmmaking. First person POV? Check. Cheap jump scares? Check. Low and high angles to intensify the mood? Check. The film was nicely edited and it set a nice pace. The cinematography could have been better but then again the transfer was most likely taken from a VHS copy of the film. It's no John Carpenter or Wes Craven or anything, but it gets the job done I guess.

The acting is pretty terrible in SLAUGHTER HIGH but it makes the film more entertaining than it has any right to be. The best of the lot is definitely Simon Scuddamore as Marty, the nerd turned killer. He's very convincing as a geek and more convincing as a disturbed individual because of the bullying of his past. Unfortunately, Scuddamore didn't make any more films due to a suicide shortly after the film was released in 1986. But he did good here and I enjoyed his character.

The rest of the cast doesn't compare to Scuddamore at all. Of course, the star of the film is the extremely beautiful Caroline Munro as Carol. Starring in MANIAC and THE LAST HORROR FILM, Munro is no stranger to slasher flicks and she does okay here. But she's not picked because of her acting anyway so there's no point in bringing it up. I still think it's funny she was hired to play a teenager when she was actually 36 at the time, but it doesn't matter. She made great eye candy! The other actors are worse than Munro and don't need mention here. But at least I laughed my ass off because of their acting "abilities".

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE DECIDING NEVER TO PICK ON THE SCHOOL NERD AGAIN

- Don't pull an April Fool's Day prank on someone with a small penis. It's already April Fool's all year round for the guy. Don't push it.

- Don't add a secret ingredient into someone's chemistry experiment. It could burn the person really badly. Or turn him into The Joker. Smilex was discontinued for a reason, ya know?

- At this high school reunion, the gang decided to chill by snorting coke and smoking joints. From the looks of this, I'm guessing Amy Winehouse believes she's at her high school reunion 24/7.

- Ted's stomach exploded after he sank a can of beer. Well they do say what's on the inside is what counts...

- Don't take a bath inside a school right after you witnessed a murder. You'll probably be bathing in acid, melting you into a skeleton. Or taking the pigment away and turning you into Michael Jackson. You better pray for the first one.

- Never have sex on a metal bed hooked up to a fuse box. That last orgasm will be so electrifying that it'll take your breath away.

- Nancy fell into the sewer drain. Man, she must have felt like shit!

THE FINAL HOWL
SLAUGHTER HIGH is dated, cheesy, and just an all-around bad horror film. But it has a quality that turns some of those negatives into a pretty fun watch. It's a guilty pleasure only a random few will probably appreciate and it's not gonna hurt to check it out at least once. Believe me - they don't make them like these anymore.

As for my high school reunion, I'll only go if there's a serial killer roaming the school. I mean, who wants to be dead bored? Mmm, I hope they're serving beer...

Mirrors (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Alexandre Aja

STARRING
Keifer Sutherland - Ben Carson
Paula Patton - Amy Carson
Cameron Boyce - Michael Carson
Erica Gluck - Daisy Carson
Amy Smart - Angela Carson
Mary Beth Peil - Anna Esseker
Jason Flemyng - Larry Byrne

Genre - Horror/ Supernatural

Running Time - 112 Minutes

Score - 2 Howls Outta 4


PLOT - MIRRORS is a remake [what else] of a South Korean film from 2003 called INTO THE MIRRORS. Ben Carson (Keifer Sutherland) is a former NYPD detective who quit the force after he killed an undercover officer in the line of duty. His fellow officers look down on him, he's an alcoholic, his wife (Paula Patton) threw him out of the house so he barely sees his two children (Cameron Boyce and Erica Gluck), and he's now living with his sister (Amy Smart). Feeling he needs to put some normalcy back in his life, Ben takes a security guard job at the Mayflower, a place that was burnt down in an arson fire years earlier and now is caught in some red tape by the insurance company.

On his first night, Ben starts experiencing some weird things that continue to happen outside of the Mayflower. After receiving a package from the previous worker, who happened to have his throat slashed supposedly through suicide with a mirror shard, Ben realizes that the Mayflower harbors an evil that is dying to get out. The evil happens to be trapped within mirrors, using the reflections of people and using the mirror image to kill them. When Ben realizes his family is targeted by this demonic presence, he does everything in his power to satisfy this evil's demands in order to save their lives.

REVIEW

STORY - I've never seen INTO THE MIRRORS, so I can't compared that to the remake. But MIRRORS was a decent flick that didn't do enough to make it a good flick and definitely a better film than ONE MISSED CALL, THE EYE, and SHUTTER. Alexandre Aja and Gregory Levasseur wrote the screenplay and I kind of wish they didn't. It's not horrible and you do understand pretty much what's going on. But it hurts what could have been a pretty cool film. The idea of mirrors harboring evil is pretty scary. We all look at mirrors or anything that reflects our self-image every day. Not only do they give us a glimpse of what we look life, but it also metaphorically shows us our mortality by representing a double of ourselves. Hell, looking into ourselves is scary as we wall all that up with our outer shell. The idea of mirrors is different than phones, camera, and computers. We can live without technology. But our reflection will always be there, which makes MIRRORS' premise frightening. Unfortunately, the mirrors are only used as a plot device to show off decent CGI effects and cool death scenes, but never revealing much else as to why the demon is harbored inside of them. Anyone who has taken Psychology can tell you that mirrors represent a form of schizophrenia, creating two different visions of the same person. But someone not knowledgable in that would be totally lost on the concept.

As for the narrative structure, I dug the first 2 acts over the last act. The beginning and middle of the film were pretty strong due to decent characterization, especially for the Ben character. At times, his paranoia over the mirrors made you question whether the dude was nuts or was the supernatural stuff legit. And his struggle to make others see what he was seeing was done nicely as well, creating tension. I wish that the whole backstory of Ben shooting that cop was elaborated upon and more of his personal struggles with his personal demons could have been focused on more because they were the meat of the story for me. I was expecting a character study and a psychological drama/thriller here. But I didn't get that and I was left feeling empty.

I also thought the last act is your standard, conventional horror finale that turns an interesting premise into a "seen it all before" fest. And I wish the twist was done better, even though I kind of dug it in a weird way. I just wanted more of an explanation as to the use of the mirrors and the whole Esseker deal [which was explained but in a really bland, expository way]. More depth was needed here to really make MIRRORS stand out. Here's the case where a film starts off strong but loses a lot of steam at the finish line.

DIRECTION - Alexandre Aja may not have written a great script, but the man knows how to direct a horror film. If HIGH TENSION and THE HILLS HAVE EYES remake didn't already tell you, Mr. Aja knows his visual style and has no shame in showing it off. The set pieces were great and Aja really used them to his advantage. I liked how dark and bleak the film seemed to feel. There was definitely nice tension going on. And the special effects, especially the death scenes [the Amy Smart one in particular], were spot on. This was a gory film and Aja didn't try to hide it. I do think that MIRRORS is his most "mainstream Hollywood" flick [I actually prefer his other works personally] but it's a whole lot better than most of the remakes that I've seen recently.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - Like I said before, MIRRORS has its gore. A beautifully shot sliced throat sequence at the beginning works. Someone gets blown up to bits. And the Amy Smart bathtub scene - oh yeah I dug that alot. The fire sequence was a bit silly in a bad way though. As for sex, we get Amy Smart nude - WORKS FOR ME! And Paula Patton has nice nipples. THANKS! The language is your standard R rated stuff.

ACTING - Here's the saving grace of the film. Keifer Sutherland is just awesome as Ben. The dude can act out of a paper bag, as I was totally convinced with whatever struggle Ben was going through. The fear, the pain, the paranoid ticks he would have - totally bought every single one. I kind of wish he was in a better film because I think he's above this kind of material. But he saves MIRRORS from being a shitty flick because a lesser actor would have sunk this ship. Paula Patton was good as Amy. I found her to be very credible in her role and I liked her chemistry with Sutherland. Plus she was hot too, which helps. Amy Smart is always cool with me and I wish she were in the film more than she was. But she showed us her T and her A, so I can't complain too much. Everyone else did their thing as well. Nice cast.

MUSIC - Javier Navarrete did the soundtrack and I dug it. It fit MIRRORS like a glove.

THE FINAL HOWL
Probably Alexandre Aja's least inspiring work as a director, but MIRRORS was a better film than I was expecting it to be. It's not HIGH TENSION or THE HILLS HAVE EYES, but Aja tried his best to make MIRRORS work - even if it was in vain most of the time. Still, I love the premise and the acting was great. Nice gore and nudity added to my entertainment. If only the script was tighter, this could have been a very good horror flick. It took me a while to get into it, but I don't regret watching MIRRORS. Average flick that's worth a rental.

My Name Is Bruce (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Bruce Campbell

STARRING
Bruce Campbell - Bruce Campbell
Grace Thorsen - Kelly
Taylor Sharpe - Jeff
Ted Raimi - Mills Toddner/ Wing
Ellen Sandweiss - Cheryl

Genre - Horror/Comedy

Running Time - 86 Minutes

Score - 2.5 Howls Outta 4


PLOT - In Gold's Lick, Oregon, some Chinese burial site has been disrupted to the point where it unleashes the Chinese God of War and Bean Curd Patronk, Guan-Di. The kid responsible, Jeff (Taylor Sharpe), realizes that the town can't defeat this creature alone. Being a huge fan of B-movie and favorite cult actor Bruce Campbell (playing himself), Jeff decides to enlist his help by kidnapping him with the help of Bruce's agent (Ted Raimi). Mistaking Bruce for the characters he has played, Jeff doesn't realize that Bruce is really an alcoholic who's going through a divorce, lives in a trailer, and hates his cult career but takes the roles to pay for allimony. When Bruce is just as unprepared to face Guan-Di as Gold's Lick is, Jeff decides to take matters into his own hands. Not wanting to see Jeff get killed [and trying to get back in the good graces of Jeff's mother (Grace Thorsen)], Bruce decides it's time to get groovy and prove that he's just as heroic as the characters he plays on television and film.

REVIEW

STORY - MY NAME IS BRUCE is an entertaining film for the most part, although it does have its flaws. Seeing Bruce Campbell play himself in a more negative, extreme way is a hoot to watch, and having a story based around that involving a demonic presence is a pretty cool premise. The set-up is pretty generic but it works. The characters are all different and are very likeable. The dialogue is well written and will definitely make you chuckle during several scenes. Written by Mark Verheiden, you can tell that Verheiden is a fan of Bruce Campbell's work and knows enough about the guy to make MY NAME IS BRUCE mostly work. He wrote a simple script for a simple premise that focuses more on characterization than on the monster drama itself. Can't knock something that doesn't hide what it is - a tribute to a B-movie legend that deserves every accolade he receives.

However I think Verheiden tried too hard in making some of the gags work. Some of the jokes tended to be knocked to death to the point where you'd wish the narrative would move on to something else. Also, I was expecting MY NAME IS BRUCE to be funnier than it was. While it did make me laugh, I wished it had a bit more edge and freshness to the humor. The jokes should have been "ha ha" funny, not just "kind of amusing" funny.

Also, I thought Guan-Di was a lame villain. He didn't seem to be much of a threat at all and was barely the focus of anything until the beginning and the end. I think it would have been nice if Guan-Di had a bit of a bigger and more impactful background that would at least make me believe this dude was dangerous to this town. Hell, he only killed like 5 people. Not much of a villain, I think. It also didn't help that bean curd seemed to be his kryptonite. Lame.

I also thought some of the characters were ridiculous. Ted Raimi was cool as Bruce's agent, but playing both Wing and the guy who painted signs was a bit too much for me. I was expecting Eddie Murphy to pop out and play either THE NUTTY PROFESSOR or NORBIT. They didn't add much to the story at all and weren't funny at all. Also not funny - the two guys who were playing music between acts. If I wanted to see this routine in a film, I'd watch THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY. At least there, it's funny.

Didn't dig the ending either. It went about three minutes too long and just left a bitter taste in my mouth. It's a simple script. Verheiden shouldn't have tried to complicate it for a twist ending. It didn't work. Less is more.

DIRECTION - Bruce Campbell is a very good director. The pace was excellent. The mood definitely had a B-movie atmosphere and feel to MY NAME IS BRUCE. There were some shots that definitely had style going for it. And the special effects were pretty well done as well. The man learned alot from working with his friend Sam Raimi. Can't complain at all here.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - The violence is pretty nice here. We get some decapitations and limbs flying. Not a gorefest but I was pleased with what I saw here. The sex and language are pretty tame here. Some sexual inneundos and random cussing here and there, but nothing that will give anyone a heart attack.

ACTING - Here is where MY NAME IS BRUCE shines. Bruce Campbell is fantastic as always, playing a Bizarro version of himself based on a lot of elements of his EVIL DEAD character, Ash Williams. He was funny. He was charming. He was sexist. He was a prick. He was heroic. The man can do it all. Grace Thorsen was very stunning as Kelly, the love interest. She also played the tough chick well and had nice chemistry with Campbell. Taylor Sharpe was also great as Jeff, Bruce's number one fan. He definitely held his own with Campbell. And this was his first role? Wow, I wouldn't have guessed. Ted Raimi was cool as Miles, the agent. But as Wing and the guy who painted signs? Eh, I could have lived without it. And was that Ellen Sandweiss from THE EVIL DEAD as Bruce's ex-wife? No wonder there relationship didn't work. Once you're raped by trees, that changes a person.

MUSIC - Typical action/horror score. Plus folk songs from those two guitar playing idiots. It was okay I guess.

THE FINAL HOWL
While it's no EVIL DEAD, MY NAME IS BRUCE is still a more than decent B-movie. While the direction and acting are excellent, the story is what really brings this film down. But it's still an entertaining flick made for Bruce Campbell fans, who will no doubt appreciate this one somewhat. You know what I would appreciate more? EVIL DEAD 4. Please in my lifetime, thank you very much.

Chained Heat (1983)

DIRECTED BY
Paul Nicholas

STARRING
Linda Blair - Carol
John Vernon - Warden Backman
Sybil Danning - Ericka
Tamara Dobson - Dutchess
Stella Stevens - Captain Taylor
Sharon Hughes - Val
Henry Silva - Lester

Genre - Sexploitation/Women In Prison

Running Time - 95 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4


There are a lot of things I want to do in my life. Going to prison is not one of them. I refuse to end up behind bars, bent over for my bigger and meaner cellmate [we'll call the bastard Jerome] while he has his way with me just to brand me his bitch. Nah, my ass is exit only. Sorry to all my male admirers out there, but this Wolf ain't droppin' the soap for NOBODY.

Hell, I wouldn't even want to be involved with the much more dangerous women's prison. While the idea of being a security guard forcing the law upon these ladies may sound alluring to some. But women in jail don't play and they'll punch, kick, pull hair, and most likely kill you if you even look at them the wrong way. CHAINED HEAT is a good example of female convicts who don't play.

Rape them? You're dead.

Snitch on them to a higher authority? You're dead.

Mess with a chick who was once possessed by Satan? You're REALLY dead.

Probably the most famous of Women In Prison films, CHAINED HEAT brings together violence, race issues, humor, and especially nudity show that Hell hath no fury like caged women scorned.

PLOT
Carol (Linda Blair) is sentenced to 18 months in a correctional facility for running someone down with her car. She calls it an accident, but after throwing up pea soup and having your head spin 360 degrees, I wouldn't be too sure about the lack of intent with the crime. Anyway, Carol is a scared young lady who has trouble adjusting to the ways of this female prison. Although she's befriended by a regular named Val (Sharon Hughes) who's willing to protect her, Carol is traumatized by her new surroundings.

And why wouldn't she be? Drug dealing is rampant. The inmates are used as prostitutes by the evil Lester (Henry Silva). The Warden (John Vernon) brings girls up to his office, seducing them in his hot tub while video taping their every move before, during, and after the act. And there's a race battle between the blacks led by Dutchess (Tamara Dobson), and the whites led by Ericka (Sybil Danning), who has a sexual interest in the innocent Carol. But once the politics of the corrupt prison interfere with their accomodations, Carol and the ladies decide that mutiny is in order. I hope the power of Christ compels these prison officials because the last time Carol was upset, the Gates of Hell were wide open. Hide the crucifixes!!

REVIEW
CHAINED HEAT is probably the widest known of all the Women In Prison films that have ever been released. I mean, it has Linda Blair of THE EXORCIST fame naked for the first time on film. This was a big deal back in 1983. Other than that, the film isn't really "quality" and not recommended viewing for everyone. But hell - it's entertaining as fuck even with the predictability and cliched factors involved!

CHAINED HEAT [and WIP films in general] aren't known for their intelligent and well-written screenplays. They're pretty much all the same in terms of plot device. You have the innocent young woman who's put in a horrible setting and situation. You have the corrupt warden who enjoys preying on these girls. Add some evil prison guards, lesbianism and nudity, and a couple of catfights [preferably naked] and you have a WIP film. CHAINED HEAT has all of these motifs and uses them as well as one of these films could. And while the narrative is straight-forward, I think the creators of CHAINED HEAT were trying for something more ambitious here in terms of story. I mean, how many subplots does this film have? Race issues? Prostitution rings? Pornography blackmail? Killings and a mystery based on these murders? There's a whole lot of crap going on in this flick. Hell, it has to have something for everyone, right? Honestly, I could have lived without some of these things because sometimes less is more. When certain things happen and are just dropped five minutes later without any follow through, they shouldn't have been put in the film to begin with. But at least the massive amount of subplots don't effect the narrative all that much and the story actually engages you into wanting to know how things will play out.

Even the characters for the most part are developed decently. You get a sense of who these people are through their wildly cheesy dialogue and their actions. Sometimes we like to know the backstories of characters, but CHAINED HEAT never made me want to know more than what I was watching. Sure, I would have liked to see the transformation of scared girl to tough bitch a bit more detailed in Carol because it happens way to suddenly for me. Plus, what was the deal with that Bubbles character? To annoy me? Yeah, that had to be it. I wasn't expecting Oscar-caliber material here and my expectations were pretty much met. So I can't complain too much.

The film is pretty edgy for 1983 standards, although modern audiences would probably just shrug most of the sex, language, and violence these days. We get our hints of lesbianism, rape scenes, and gritty murder scenes [I love the bathroom one with the hook - ouch!] that made me glad I stopped writing to that really large female prisoner [a.k.a. my ex-girlfriend/pen pal] years ago. And they're never over-the-top in some of these flicks and more grounded in reality, which I appreciated. I wasn't disturbed by this film, but I didn't laugh at everything I saw either.

Paul Nicholas creates a fine looking film here. It's pretty much a point and shoot affair, but the editing is very good and the pacing is excellent. The film felt a lot shorter than it actually was. The film looks gritty, which gave CHAINED HEAT a ton of atmosphere and mood. And some of the murder sequences had tension. And I can't knock anyone who can get Linda Blair and Sybil Danning nekkid, so kudos to Mr. Nicholas!

The acting is pretty uneven in this flick. Linda Blair plays a great victim as usual but there were times where her suffering didn't seem to come through as strong as it should have. John Vernon, of ANIMAL HOUSE fame, was great as the corrupt Warden who had some hot chicks in his tub. He played the "nice guy" routine just as well as he played the "horny prick" thing. Sybil Danning got naked and acted tough, which was enough for me. She's perfect for this kind of movie. The real star for me was Tamara Dobson, of CLEOPATRA JONES fame. She was convincingly tough, fearless, and commanding throughout the film. Her presence outshone everyone around her. For a cheesy flick, she took it all seriously and I belived her. But then again - if anyone is watching for the acting, they seriously have issues.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE LIVING IN CELLBLOCK 69

- There's a chick in the prison named Bubbles. And just like her virginity, it only takes one prick to make her pop.

- There were three women arguing over which soap was better: General Hospital, All My Children, or The Young and the Restless. As far as I'm concerned, like the sands of the hourglass, so are the Days of Our Lives. Oh that Sami Brady...

- Don't ever be a rat in a women's prison. Remember: snitches get stitches - or death - whichever comes first.

- Sybil Danning and Linda Blair share a kiss on the lips, among doing other things. Maybe it's just me, but I have the urge to masturbate with a crucifix while being part of a weird threesome with two werewolves. I have no idea why...

- There was a nice scene of inmates frolicking in the showers. And from what I can tell, they were all Republicans. I mean they were obviously promoting Bush...

- Linda Blair got her ass kicked for doing the right thing. It still wasn't as painful as THE HERETIC: EXORCIST II. Whoever made that deserves jail time!

- Sybil Danning had a knife fight with Tamara Dobson. I hardly call this fair. Black people use guns, not knives. The ignorance of some people!

- Carol was given a blue dress by some pervert. He better hope it's not that time of the month. That pea soup vomit ruins the mood everytime!

- Val died due to a nightstick being forced in her face. If that's the case, she obviously went to prison for being bad at giving head.

THE FINAL HOWL
It's not a masterpiece but I can do much worse than spend over 90 minutes watching CHAINED HEAT. It has naked chicks. It has catfights. It has a clear separation of good and evil. It has naked chicks. Sometimes that's all you want in a film late at night, sitting all alone with a bottle of hand lotion and a box of tissues right nearby. Sigh...

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Shutter (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Masayuki Ochiai

STARRING
Joshua Jackson - Benjamin Shaw
Rachael Taylor - Jane Shaw
Megumi Okina - Megumi Tanaka
David Denman - Bruno
John Hensley - Adam
Maya Hazen - Seiko
James Kyson Lee - Ritsuo

Genre - Horror/Ghosts

Running Time - 87 Minutes

Score - 1 Howl Outta 4


PLOT - SHUTTER, an Americanized remake of a Thai film of the same name, begins with the wedding of photographer Benjamin Shaw (Joshua Jackson) and English teacher Jane (Rachael Taylor). Ben has received a job in Japan, where he's worked before, so the couple decide to honeymoon there. One night, the couple hit a woman on the road, causing them to skid and crash into a tree. When they wake up, the woman is nowhere to be found. Ben doesn't believe there was ever a woman there, but Jane isn't so convinced.

After a couple of days, they go to Tokyo so Ben can work. Jane starts looking at photos Ben has taken and starts seeing something strange: a white light that distorts the image. While Ben seems to dismiss this phenomenon, Jane decides to do some research. With help from Ben's assistant Seiko (Maya Hazen) and her boyfriend Ritsuo (Jason Kyson Lee), Jane learns about spirit photography - a supernatural occurence where ghosts show up in photographs to send a message. Jane believes that this spirit is haunting her and Ben and wants to know how to get rid of it. Unfortunately, secrets behind this spirit start to come out that could strain Jane's relationship with Ben.

REVIEW

STORY - Sigh. What can I say about SHUTTER? It's boring. It's derivative of other J-horror film remakes. It makes me want to put a pistol to my head and pull the trigger.
SHUTTER brings nothing new to the table except maybe a few white hairs and an ulcer.

Now I have seen the original film, which I thought was decent and kind of creepy. This remake is none of the above. The script, written by Luke Dawson, is pretty bland. Compared to the original narrative, it's not deep at all and dumbed down so pre-teens can shit all over themselves over the "scares" that aren't there. Plot holes galore - especially when it concerns this evil spirit. Why would she wait until Ben and Jane were MARRIED until messing with them? She could have done this while they were dating. Also, why start in Japan? By film's end, it's obvious she could travel all over the world. It just seemed odd that this vengeful ghost would wait until that particular moment in order to scare them. Also, there are hints that Ben may have had some affairs in his past and maybe had them while with Jane, yet they're brushed under the rug and never really followed on. I mean why would they be? Who's gonna care about a plot point like that, right? Oh, I'm such a silly boy.

I also found the character development to be really flat. For a guy who's worked alot in Japan, Ben doesn't seem to know much of the language. That Buena Vista coach really did a great job there! Also, he just seemed too shady to really get behind, predictably letting you know that he was the reason this spirit was haunting him and Jane to begin with. As for Jane, she was a real genius. I mean, the ghost gives her hints in the photos as to where to go to figure out the reason she's around. Yet, she takes these hints and wipes her ass with them because she ends up still wondering where she needs to be.

THE GHOST IS TELLING YOU WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW, YOU STUPID BITCH!! UGH!!

And when Ben is having nightmares and freaking out a bit, Jane wonders what's wrong with him.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS WRONG, YOU STUPID BIMBO??

It didn't help that she had to be blonde either. Sorry to all you blondes out there, but she just pushed the stereotype more than it should have gone. Lazy screenwriting from top to bottom.

I did appreciate that the ending was at least left intact and that the plot points leading up to it [the twists], while contrived, actually made some sense. And there was some attempt at something deeper than other similar films fail to do. But other than that, it's pretty much the same script used in ONE MISSED CALL or THE EYE [which also came out last year] but with photos used instead of a phone or optical transplants. Same shit, different film. It needs to end. Really, it does.

DIRECTION - Masayuki Ochiai, who's other work I have yet to seen, didn't do much to impress me here. There was some semblence of style and at times I liked the mood and atmosphere that he visually put into the film. But it was the typical "point-and-shoot" affair for the most part. If the script was stronger, I probably would have let that slide a bit. But the visuals needed to pop here and they didn't. Where's the tension? Where are the scares? The direction was just as lazy as the story.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - It's a PG-13 horror flick. We get some red stuff. Someone's eye socket hollows out at one point. We see a corpse. There's an implied rape scene but there's no nudity from anyone at all. As for language, "shit" is probably the boldest it goes. Very tame horror flick. Bah!

ACTING - While hardly inspiring and great, at least it was decent. Joshua Jackson is a very good actor from his television work and with what he's given, he does a decent job with the Ben character. Too bad the character has no depth at all. Rachael Taylor, who was in SEE NO EVIL and TRANSFORMERS, is hot and has talent - too bad none of that is evident here. She screams well but she can't carry a film like this, especially when the script won't let her. And while I thought her character was stupid as hell, I did enjoy watching her. Everyone else did their part, although I wish John Hensley was in the film more. That dude creeps me out for some reason. Plus he can act too. What a waste of a decent cast.

MUSIC - Your typical J-horror score. Nothing to write home about.

THE FINAL HOWL
SHUTTER is way better than ONE MISSED CALL and a bit better than THE EYE. Then again, that really isn't saying a whole much. What can be said is that these remakes need to stop, especially when they take an interesting concept and just shit all over it so teenagers can gush over how "scary" these modern horror flicks are. Boy, am I glad I was born in 1981. Crappy story, crappy characters, no mystery, boring pacing - SHUTTER is not worth your time. I'm glad Jackson is on a hit show now and Taylor is doing stuff other than this because they're the only reasons to watch this. Stick to the original SHUTTER and avoid this one. The WTF? Vault has a special place for this one. And I won't be taking a picture - 87 minutes is long enough.