Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2007)

DIRECTED BY
Jon Knautz

STARRING
Trevor Matthews - Jack Brooks/Forest Troll
Robert Englund - Professor Gordon Crowley
Daniel Kash - Counselor Silverstein
Rachel Skarsten - Eve
James A. Woods - John

Genre - Horror/Demon Possession

Running Time - 90 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4


PLOT - JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER is about a guy named Jack Brooks (Trevor Matthews) who has had a very traumatic childhood. You see, Jack was on a camping trip with his family when some monster jumps out of nowhere and eats Jack's mom, dad, and little sister. Jack, running away from the scene and being the only survivor, has grown up bitter and angry that he couldn't save his family. His psychiatrist (Daniel Kash) just makes him angrier. His snobby and bitchy girlfriend, Eve (Rachel Skarsten), doesn't help his situation. The only things that seem to calm Jack down are his plumbing job and his trips to night school.

Here, Jack meets his professor, Gordon Crowley (Robert Englund), who is a kooky chemistry teacher. One night after class, Crowley invites Jack to look at his pipes [get your mind out of the gutter!], which seem to be clogged or something. Jack attempts to solve the problem, but unwittingly opens up the ground outside of Crowley's home, releasing pure evil. Jack leaves, but this evil spirit invades Crowley's home and possesses him until he transforms into something that looks like Chet from WEIRD SCIENCE, only with tentacles this time. This demon can also possess other people to turn them into zombie-like demons. Can Jack make up for the past and save the day? What do you think?

REVIEW

STORY - This was a mixed bag for me personally. Let me just start off by saying that I really liked the screenplay. It goes from point A to point B to point C in the simpliest of terms. We understand Jack's struggle and why he's so angry. The whole "demon escape" thing was clever. The characters are nicely developed enough for us so we can relate to them in some fashion. The dialogue was good. JACK BROOKS has a really interesting and humorous script going for it.

My problem is that the story doesn't really go far enough with the premise. Especially when the first 50 minutes of the film is the intro portion, leaving maybe 20 minutes at the end for the actual monster slaying. It's nice that the screenwriter, John Ainslie, wanted to develop the characters, but when I'm expecting monsters getting slayed, I want to see them get slayed. The wait was a bit too much and too long. I get that Jack Brooks is an angry person. I didn't need like ten scenes to tell me that. The film should have just set it up fairly quickly and moved on to the monster portion. If it were a lesser movie that wasn't fun or interesting, I would have stopped watching during the long set-up. But at least the film was never boring, which it definitely had going for it. But more action-like scenes besides the end would have been cool with me. Oh well.

DIRECTION - Jon Knautz does a great job bringing this film to life. The SFX used were awesome [no CGI here - this film proves you don't need it all the time] and the cinematography was very nice. The editing was excellent and the pacing was a bit slow at the beginning but it definitely picked up towards the end. Knautz creates a fun and light mood amidst all the wacky shit that happens. It felt like an 80s film and that's more than alright with me. And were there some Sam Raimi-EVIL DEAD-like visuals in this flick, or was it just me? If you want B-movie goodness, JACK BROOKS is for you. And that couldn't have been possible without Knautz's direction. Well done, sir.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - Well the closest you get to sex is dancing and making out. But the violence and the language make up for it. You definitely get your share of cuss words in JACK BROOKS, and when the violence happens, it definitely happens. Especially towards the end of the film when Jack Brooks must fight off demons and the possessed Crowley-Chet hybrid. We get some ax wielding and some pipe bashing and some head splattering. It's all good. The gore FX is pretty top of the charts here and I dug what was given to me.

ACTING - Trevor Matthews, who created and produced JACK BROOKS, does the title character very well. He's not as charismatic as Bruce Campbell, whom I'm sure was an influence, but he's definitely convincing in his angst and his transformation into a hero. Matthews is very energetic and is a great physical actor. Matthews could have turned Jack into a caricature of an angry person, but he takes the role seriously and we buy him as a normal dude with problems. The anger never takes over his life. It just frustrates him. And Matthews protrays that well. I would like to see him do more acting roles.

Robert Englund is also great as usual as Professor Crowley. Never one to hold back, Englund embodies the character, especially when he becomes possessed and transforms. It's a great physical and comedic performance that I really enjoyed. Score another one for Englund in 2008, as both JACK BROOKS and ZOMBIE STRIPPERS benefit for having the man onboard. And Michael Bay wants to replace him in that unneeded A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET remake? Fuckin' idiot.

The other actors were decent as well. Rachel Skarsten from Birds of Prey, in particular, was great as the bitchy girlfriend. God, I'm surprised Jack Brooks didn't manhandle that wench. She's the reason why I'm single. You're a better man than I, Jack Brooks.

MUSIC - Nothing really of note except to say that it worked well with what was going on in the film. So complaints here. Just don't expect Oingo Boingo to pop up or anything.

THE FINAL HOWL
JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER isn't going to be the next EVIL DEAD, but it's definitely a pleasant surprise in the stagnant smell of modern horror. If only the story had pushed the idea a bit further, we would have had a cult classic in the making. Still, I recommend a definite rental and if you like it, a purchase should be the next step. I hope this is the beginning of a new franchise because I would like to see more of Jack Brooks. Move over, Mario! There's a new hero plumber in town!

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: The Eye (2008)

DIRECTED BY
David Moreau
Xavier Palud

STARRING
Jessica Alba - Sydney Wells
Alessandro Nivola - Dr. Paul Faulkner
Parker Posey - Helen Wells
Rachel Ticotin - Rosa Martinez
Fernanda Romero - Ana Cristina Martinez
Chloe Moretz - Alicia Milstone
Rade Serbedzija - Simon McCullough

Genre - Horror/Ghosts/Remake

Running Time - 97 Minutes

Score - 1 Howl Outta 4


PLOT - An Americanized remake of a Hong Kong feature from 2002, JIAN GUI, THE EYE is about a solo violinist named Syndey Wells (Jessica Alba) who happens to be blind. Her blindness occurred during a fireworks accident at the age of five, when her sister Helen (Parker Posey) held the sparks too close to Sydney's face. Syndey has adjusted fine without the sense of sight, but is pushed to have a cornea transplant by her sister so she can see. The operation comes off extremely well and is referred to see an eye specialist named Paul Faulkner (Alessandro Nivola), whose job is to help Sydney adjust to the world of sight with his assholish charms. Adjusting to the sight is a struggle for Sydney, but it becomes the least of her problems when she starts seeing things that no one else can. Ghosts haunt her, as well as a dark mysterious shadow that seems to be around these lost souls. Horrified by her visions, she begins rejecting the visual world. Although Paul tells her that her brain is still adjusting to the new sense to explain her weird visions, the explanation goes out the window when Sydney looks in the mirror and sees a face that isn't hers. The face belongs to the woman who donated her eyes to Sydney, making Sydney investigate who her new eyes belonged to and why are they making her see these visions.

REVIEW

STORY - The story is probably the best part of THE EYE, which really isn't saying a whole lot. It's hard to screw up a good screenplay like the one for JIAN GUI, and the screenwriter for THE EYE [Sebastian Gutierrez, who also wrote SNAKES ON A PLANE and GOTHIKA] happens to pretty much stay faithful to the original until the different ending. For those who may not have seen JIAN GUI, the story is a pretty interesting one that catches some of your interest. The idea of cellular memory is touched upon to bring a sort of psychology aspect to the film, although it could have been expaned more. The cliched plot device of 'having someone see weird things and having the people around them doubt them, thinking that they could be crazy until they research and figure out what's going on' works well here. I mean, it's hard to mess something like that up. There's a really decent ghost story here. Unfortunately, the characters aren't really developed all that much and some of the dialogue is pretty ridiculous and forced. Ideas are brought up but never developed into anything truly substantial [back to the idea of cellular memory for this one]. The script plays things too safe and you never really feel connected to the story and the characters all that much. Still, there are worst scripts and stories than THE EYE. I found it semi-watchable, and that's enough for me sometimes.

I do have an issue with the ending to THE EYE. I hate that Hollywood feels that every fuckin' horror film needs to have a happy ending. I don't need to have every film tied up in a nice bow and ribbon so I can feel good about what I just saw. JIAN GUI's ending was more downbeat, BUT it made sense with the context of the story. It was a fitting conclusion. Again, the ending for THE EYE felt tacky and forced. And that voice narration at the end that reveals the moral of the story? Ugh. It just made me want to smack a bitch.

DIRECTION - The Pang Brothers infused JIAN GUI with atmosphere, mood, and a high level of creep factor that probably made the film better than it should have been. Directors David Moreau and Xavier Palud [who directed the French horror film THEM] don't bother with that good stuff, instead relying on jump scares that are pretty old hat these days. Ooh, let's manipulate the audience by having people pop up to catch them off-guard! It's not original and it doesn't work because there's nothing building up emotionally for these things to have any sort of effect. And if you have ghosts, why not make them do SOMETHING? All these spirits did were stand around and ask for report cards. Yeah, I'm frightened.

I will say that the scenes where Sydney first begins to see show some stylish asthetics for Moreau and Palud. And the pacing wasn't too terrible [could have been quicker though], same goes to the editing and the cinematography. THE EYE is one pretty looking film. But other than that, Moreau and Palud disappoint in their debut American feature. If they had infused real scares through nice visual style, they could have taken a derivative and pointless remake to a higher level than it probably deserves. But THE EYE is just forgettable and pretty bland visually for a modern ghost movie.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - It's a pretty tame PG-13 horror flick [sigh...]. There's some violence but nothing to get excited about. People die. Arms getting burnt. Glass shatters everywhere. Nothing new really. I think the language was pretty tame. I'm sure there were cuss words, but I don't really remember hearing any to be honest. And don't bother looking for sex. The closest to it is seeing Jessica Alba in a tank top that's not even wet or see-through. How disappointing.

ACTING - This is the area that frustrates me. If the acting was better, the score would have been higher because great acting can turn a mediocre script into a good film. Unfortunately, we have Jessica Alba carrying a film that's too heavy on her back and shoulders. Here's the thing: Jessica Alba is extremely hot. I love looking at her. Her looks are the reason why she gets these high-profile roles to begin with. But that can only take someone so far. If only she were a better actress, she'd be the total package. But I find Jessica Alba to be pretty boring and bland. I dunno if it's the screenplays that she picks or she's just like that in real life. I'm not saying she's terrible in THE EYE. As a matter of fact, you can tell she's trying to emote and convince us that she's traumatized by the effects of her new corneas. But it's never enough and just seems forced most of the time. The only time I found her acting convincingly was when she was actually playing blind. I thought she did a great job doing that. But she's worse when she's able to see things. How is that possible? I will say it's one of her better performances, which isn't saying much, but the effort was there. I think she needs to take some more acting lessons and learn how to be convincing in roles like this one. When I have to write that Paris Hilton is a better actress than Jessica Alba, it makes me very sad.

Parker Posey is another actress that frustrates me for different reasons. Posey is a good actress [I still think she's the best part of SCREAM 3], but she picks these roles that do absolutely NOTHING for her. Here's another one of those roles. As Sydney's sister, Posey is given nothing to do and she barely has any lines of dialogue. I guess they needed a family member for the Sydney character, but why bother when she has no effect on the story whatsoever. The character could have been left out and nothing would have changed in THE EYE. Posey does what she can with what's given to her, but I want to see her take juicier roles.

The only actor who made an impression on me was Alessandro Nivola as Paul Faulkner. Since he's a modern man, the five-o-clock shadow look was present. He also played Paul as a bit of a jerk, which didn't really make the whole attraction between Sydney and Paul all that effective. Still, Nivola plays the cynic pretty well and I found it amusing that he would play the "love interest" character that way. Maybe he knew the film was gonna suck. Or maybe he was frustrated with Alba's lack of acting ability and decided to let the audience in on it. Whatever it was, Nivola was the only actor who had personality and I would like to see him do more stuff. Maybe if everyone was pissed off in ONE MISSED CALL to show that they knew they were in a bomb, I would have been kinder on that piece of shit.

MUSIC - Don't even remember it. I think it was like some cliched gothic score, but it didn't stick out. The orchestra stuff was nice though.

THE FINAL HOWL
I was really expecting an abomination like ONE MISSED CALL, but THE EYE surprised me by being better than that other remake. Still, THE EYE is lackluster and is more evidence that Hollywood needs to stop making remakes of Asian horror movies. We can just watch the originals, ya know? THE EYE is not bad enough to make you blind, but it's not worth seeing either. Don't bother buying or even renting THE EYE. Wait for it on television.

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Darren Lynn Bousman

STARRING
Anthony Stewart Head - Nathan Wallace/Repo Man
Alexa Vega - Shilo Wallace
Paul Sorvino - Rotti Largo
Sarah Brightman - Blind Mag
Paris Hilton - Amber Sweet
Bill Moseley - Luigi Largo
Ogre - Pavi Largo
Terrance Zdunich - GraveRobber

Genre - Horror/Musical

Running Time - 97 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


I'm not a musical genre person. It's funny I say that because I've seen so many of them due to my mom being such a sucker for these kinds of films. I do enjoy them on some level. In fact, I love WEST SIDE STORY, GREASE, and even DREAMGIRLS. But they don't resonate with me like horror or action films do. I wouldn't say no to watch a musical, but I'm not gonna be overly excited about seeing one.

However, I'm oddly fascinated by horror-musicals for some reason. I think it's because I find it interesting when the two genres mesh together to create something of an experience that must be seen to be believed. THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW is still one of my favorite films and I watch it at least once a year. THE LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS remake grabs my attention more than ROCKY HORROR because of how silly it is. Can't forget about the classic THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS. I even dig PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE a bit. And last year's SWEENEY TODD: THE DEMON BARBER OF FLEET STREET was a pleasant surprise, to the point where I quickly bought the DVD upon its release.

And now this year, we have REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA, directed by Darren Lynn Bousman [who directed SAW II, SAW III, and SAW IV]. Dropping SAW V from his resume to work on this very personal project, REPO! grabbed a lot of buzz for casting Paris Hilton in a horror flick a little before she headed to prison last year. Lionsgate seemed to be behind the project, giving it an April release date and showing the film at multiple festivals to rave reviews. But suddenly, Lionsgate stopped promoting the film altogether, moving its release date around as if it wanted to avoid jury duty or something. Sadly, Lionsgate released the film to limited release last weekend [which it did to THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN, which also garnered positive reviews]. It's apparent that Lionsgate isn't confident in releasing its films worldwide unless it has SAW in the title. Too bad because REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA is a whole lot better than SAW V could ever be and deserved to be released worldwide for everyone to see. It's not a perfect horror-musical, but it's an experience to behold once you sit down to watching it. Score one for originality.

PLOT
Based on a short play, REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA deals with multiple plots dealing with some futuristic organ transplant company named GeneCo. The main one involves a young girl named Shilo (Alexa Vega) who suffers from some blood disorder she received from her late mother and is now forced to remain in her bedroom by her father, Nathan (Anthony Stewart Head). What Shilo doesn't know is that Nathan is the head Repo Man for GeneCo, where he must take back organs from patients who have failed to keep up with their payments by murdering them gruesomely.

GeneCo is run by Rotti Largo (Paul Sorvino), who happens to be dying and must deal with his three children (Paris Hilton, Bill Moseley, and Ogre) who happen to always argue about who will take over GeneCo once Rotti is dead. Rotti has a grudge with Nathan due to Nathan stealing Rotti's love and making her his wife, which led to very unfortunate events out of revenge.

There are also more sub-plots, like a blind opera singer named Blind Mag (Sarah Brightman) who happens to be Shilo's godmother and soon becomes a victim of GeneCo's contract policies. Plus we have a narrating GraveRobber (Terrance Zdunich) who sucks a certain type of addicting drug out of corpses and sells them on the black market, especially to Amber Sweet (Hilton).

REVIEW
While no ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW or THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS, REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA is still an ambitious, original, and experimental horror-musical that deserved to be promoted more than it was. Darren Lynn Bousman distances himself away from the SAW sequels as much as he could, creating an experience that has to be seen to be understood. I do feel the film is TOO song heavy [there's no non-singing dialogue in the film at all] and there's too much going on for a 90 minute film [should have been a bit longer], but I enjoyed REPO!.

The story plays out like an opera - full of love, deception, and tragedy. Every sub-plot is absolutely interesting and entertaining, as I felt there was no filler at all in this movie. The main plot with Shilo is written and sang wonderfully, as we understand her plight to be free after suffering under quarantine by her overprotective father. And it's not done to make Nathan a villain either, as through his songs and through flashbacks, we learn why he does what he does. Plus we see his dark side through his songs as well, which give us a lot of character development. Shilo's struggle to deal with her sickness and her chance at a cure is what brings all the sub-plots together. From Rotti's revenge against Nathan using Shilo to turn against him, to seeing how dysfunctional the Largo children are individually, to Blind Mag and her connection to all this - everything connects flawlessly and we see these situations from multiple perspectives that actually fit together. That's a hard thing to do on paper because so many stories tend to confuse audiences on what they should be focusing on. But REPO! writers Darren Smith and Terrance Zdunich make it work, as you realize that every story fits into the same puzzle and they all come together at the end.

I feel the story is pretty much a commentary on our vanity as a society. The entire character of Amber Sweet is made through her addiction with plastic surgery. It's not like she needs it at all, as she's quite a good-looking woman. But she feels that she needs to change her looks in order to become a successful performer and upstage the much more beautiful and talented Blind Mag. It also runs in the family, as Amber's brother Pavi never reveals his true face, always wearing another person's face as if he wants to be Leatherface. Obviously these two reflect the insecurities of many people who feel the need to keep up with certain looks in order to fit in with the rest of the society, hoping that being accepted by others will make them feel better instead of accepting themselves for who they are. Hollywood seems to have a lot of these people, if constant reports of plastic surgery on certain celebrities show us every day. The whole idea of GeneCo is like a massive mill to fill the needs of those who feel ugly about themselves. And like in real life, it always comes with a price.

I do feel though that the story had too many numbers. Now I understand this is an opera and that's the point. But because of so many songs and no actual dialogue, none of the songs really stand out. I wish there was a showstopping number I could describe, but there really isn't any. They all tend to flow into each other, but not seamlessly all the time. At times, I felt the meshing of these songs was a bit disjointed. One person could be singing a ballad to someone and the other person would be singing a rock song to the other. It was a bit weird and took a bit of adjusting to. At least all the singing was sung extremely well, especially by Brightman, Head, and Sorvino. Plus you learned a lot from the songs. People didn't sing just to sing. They sang to reveal truths about themselves and their situations to move the story along. And since most of the songs sounded like Evanescence on an acid trip, I kind of dug them alot. So it was a mixed bag for me there.

I also felt the comic book transitions in the book to give us a look at the flashbacks to certain characters and how it connects to the present situation were a mixed bag as well. I loved the comic book art and thought they were visually stunning and quite amusing. But when you have songs already giving us the exact info, it makes these transitions redundant. I don't know if this was used to fill up time or to be visually stylish to be honest.

I liked the gore FX here. Anyone expecting SAW-like gore will be disappointed. It's enough for the story I felt and there were moments that were pretty gruesome. Mainly the gore were during scenes where Nathan, as the Repo Man, would gut his victims in order to take back unpaid organs that belonged to GeneCo. Plus we do get some death scenes towards the end but nothing too drastic.

Darren Lynn Bousman should be applauded for taking a chance outside the SAW franchise to direct REPO!. The film is visually stunning. The gothic colors of the sets and locations are extremely beautiful. The editing was a whole lot better here than in any of the SAW films. The pacing at the beginning of the film was a bit off but it got better as the film rolled, especially during the last [and best] act of REPO!. But overall, I thought the direction was great. I give credit to the production design and cinematographer for helping Bousman reveal his vision. Bousman is very confident at his job and it shows here.

The cast here is pretty fuckin' cool. I never would have guessed I would see all these performers in one film, let alone a horror-musical. Alexa Vega, from the SPY KIDS films, is pretty hot as Shilo. She actually has a good voice and sings a majority of the songs. I thought she carried them well and I liked her here. I think her most memorable number was "Seventeen", a rock rebellious song where she performs with Joan Jett [in a cameo]. Anthony Stewart Head, from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, already proved he had the singing chops during the Season Six musical episode. But here he takes it to a whole new level, as his singing shows he has a split personality: one as Nathan and one as The Repo Man. Even his voice changes as he alternates between the two. It's quite impressive and a brilliant turn by Head. I guess he got to play Ripper after all. Paul Sorvino, who already has opera experience, brings it to the table as the villianous Rotti. I liked the performance but I felt that Sorvino could have given maybe a bit more. I didn't think Rotti was bad enough. Sarah Brightman blew me away as Blind Mag. She has one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard. I was swept up by her singing. I honestly could listen to Brightman sing all day. I wish she were in the film more because I don't think she was given enough to do. I liked her that much.

As for the other roles, Paris Hilton actually surprised me as Amber Sweet. She pretty much played a more extreme version of herself, but she actually had a decent singing voice. She won't be winning American Idol or anything, but I actually liked the girlish tone to Hilton's voice. It was kind of cute actually. Plus she looked pretty hot, I gotta say. It pains me to write that but I can't deny she looked good - except when her face was falling off of course. Bill Moseley cracked me up as the angry Luigi. He wasn't a bad singer either but he had some really funny lyrics that made the whole audience laugh. I think this dude is cool period. And Terrence Zdunich was pretty cool as the GraveRobber. I liked his voice alot, as it was sort of deep and commanded your attention. I wish he were in the film more too. I would have liked to learn more about him.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE SINGING FOR A MAKEOVER

- Rotti's two assassin ladies looked like they stepped out of a Robert Palmer video. I may not be "Addicted To Love" but I did find them "Simply Irresistible"!

- The GraveRobber used a corpse as a battering ram. That's one way to wake up the dead.

- Shilo and Nathan struggled with their father-daughter issues. Now I know what Thanksgiving dinner at the Lohan house is like. Sheesh!

- Luigi vows he will find a hole to fuck in, and if he can't find one, he will make one. Thank you, Luigi. Now my mattress can understand why I did what I did during puberty.

- Don't mess with Anthony Stewart Head when it comes to fighting. He's watched enough Slayers to know how to beat the shit out of you.

- The Genetic Opera involved boobs, lesbianism, and awesome rock music. Now that's worth $300 a ticket. Let's see you top that act, Madonna!

- Amber Sweet's face peeled off during her performance. Actually that wasn't her face. That was just some dried up DNA after a facial she received from a male stagehand backstage. Protein is good for the skin, I hear.

- Blind Mag dug her nails into her eyes to take them out. Man, taking out contacts sure is a lot bloodier in the future. No wonder Sarah Palin sticks to glasses.

THE FINAL HOWL
REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA is one of the better horror flicks of 2008 due to its ambition and originality. It's obvious Bousman wanted to create a modern cult classic, but that has to be earned. So we'll see when the DVD is released in a few months. I do feel that if you're willing to take a chance on a film like this, please do. It's better than any sequel or remake that we've been fed by Hollywood for the past few years now. REPO! didn't get a chance to thrive at the box office because Hollywood is too chickenshit to market something different. So please give it a chance on DVD. Will it be for everyone? No. But it will have its audience and it deserves an audience. REPO! is an experience that everyone should try at least once. Nice to see someone taking a risk to give horror fans and musical fans something different from the norm. I'd like to think that counts for something.

Zombie Strippers (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Jay Lee

STARRING
Robert Englund - Ian Essko
Jenna Jameson - Kat
Roxy Saint - Lillith
Joey Medina - Paco
Carmit Levite - Madame Blavatski
Shamron Moore - Jeannie
Penny Drake - Sox
Jennifer Holland - Jessy
John Hawkes - Davis
Jeannette Sousa - Berenge
Whitney Anderson - Gaia

Genre - Horror/Zombie/B-Movie

Running Time - 96 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


There are several ways how a certain film can capture my attention. One way is through the trailer. If what I see in the previews to a film grabs me on some level, I'm gonna be interested in paying money in order to see it. Another way is through association with certain directors and actors. If I'm a fan of the people involved with making of the film, I'll probably be watching it as soon as its released.

And then sometimes, it's the title alone that catches my eye. When you see news for a film called ZOMBIE STRIPPERS, you're gonna want to know more about it even if the title doesn't really give one hope that it's gonna be a great film. And really...who cares if the film is great and how it was made or promoted? C'mon, look at the title! The film has zombies. The film has strippers. Hell, it'll probably have both in one! If it has those three things, I'm gonna be there! And I was there, witnessing one of the awesomely bad B-movies I have seen in a very long time. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is not false advertising, ladies and gents. The title says it all and this review will say it all: ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is one of the best horror flicks of 2008. Yes, I actually wrote that with a straight face. This film rocks!

PLOT
It's 2012 and George W. Bush has won a fourth term as President of the United States with his Vice President Elect, Arnold Schwarzenegger. If that doesn't qualify as pure horror, I don't know what will. A military force stumble upon an evil corporation that seems to have created some sort of biological weapon/virus in order to create super-soldiers out of the unfortunate [a.k.a. the poor]. The corporation wants the military to kill everyone in the lab since the virus has spilled out and turned them all into zombies.

During the battle, a rookie soldier gets bitten by one of the infected and escapes to a nearby strip club run by Ian Essko (Robert Englund). In this strip club, Kat (Jenna Jameson) is top dog and the other strippers are either jealous of Kat, followers of Kat, or just indifferent altogether. During one of Kat's performances on stage, the infected soldier, now a zombie, spears Kat off of the stage and bites her to death. However, Kat returns as a zombie and does what she does best - strip. Even decaying, covered in her own blood, and hungry for human flesh, Kat is a better stripper dead than she ever was alive. Kat becomes more popular, making Ian a greedier bastard and keeping her around even though she eats some of the paying customers. The rest of the strippers, wanting the attention, decide to become zombies themselves. Unfortunately, the zombie epidemic spreads to the point where there's too many of them to control, leaving Ian and his staff struggling with their survival.

REVIEW
ZOMBIE STRIPPERS gives you what the title is advertising. You get a bunch of flesh-eating zombies. You get a bunch of hot strippers who actually get fully naked and grind on a strip pole. And then you get a combination of both. How awesome is that? And this film is pretty awesome, as it's a pretty fun B-movie that I'm sure many will enjoy if they don't take the film so seriously.

The film actually has a plot, which I detailed above, and it isn't so bad. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS isn't exactly a story-driven film but there is a level of social commentary being told here if you can read between the lines. While the film is mainly about girls stripping and zombies eating people in vicious ways, there's a subtext about the social hierarchy that pretty much runs our lives day to day. The strip club is pretty much a metaphor of our government and the strippers themselves are representations of the social ladder many of us try to climb and sometimes decline. Kat is the upper class of the club, gaining the attention and the rewards from her superiors. The other strippers fall below her, jealous of Kat and wanting her spot - or to at least share her spot. When Kat is turned into a zombie and becomes one of the most acrobatic strippers ever on film, she becomes more popular. Even dead and rotting, the men throwing bills at her find her hotter as a corpse than when she was alive. This causes the other strippers to think about risking their lives in order to become zombie strippers themselves so they can reap the rewards. It's like going against your morals and doing things that you know are wrong just to make your dreams come true. It's not right but you know that you'll be better off at the end in the material world. Ian, the strip club owner, represents the greedy corporations who take advantage of their workers in order to gain a profit. He degrades his strippers to make them feel less than human, knowing that their weakness will make him stronger and richer. And the military plays itself, knowing right from wrong but not caring about those things when orders are given and they must use every method in order to stay alive. I read a lot of reviews saying how weak the commentary was in this film, but I don't think many really LOOKED to really see it. Hell, all I cared about was seeing a bunch of hot girls slide down a pole while zombies tore them apart and I still managed to learn something from it at the same time. How come others weren't able to do that?

The script by Jay Lee and his sister, Angela, was based on some French play called Rhinoceros by Eugene Ionesco. Since I've never seen that play, I can't compare the two. I will say that the script isn't really strong in terms of character development or telling an intelligent story from point A to point B. I mean most of the film is just women dancing nude. It doesn't require a lot of dialogue to make these scenes work. But the dialogue outside of these scenes is pretty funny and clever enough to entertain. Besides, no one is watching ZOMBIE STRIPPERS for its script. Let's be honest here.

The gore FX here was pretty fuckin' cool, I gotta say. It's pretty much CGI but it's good looking CGI. There's a lot of blood spilling in this film and some really cool deaths. One involves a penis being ripped off. Someone gets their skull scalped and their brains eaten. Necks get chomped. We get a decapitated head. Bullets and other weapons splatter some blood, especially the head shots that make heads explode. And my favorite was when a head was actually ripped in half! I actually said, "Holy Shit!" when I saw that. This is what a zombie film should look like and I couldn't get enough.

And of course, we get hot naked ladies strutting their stuff and grinding on a steel pole. Boner City, I say! Jenna Jameson and the rest of the female cast that stripped were really smokin' and did not hold back at all. Hell, the best part was the stripper catfight scene with Jameson and Shamron Moore, who pretty much tore each other's flesh [literally] off of their bodies. I will never forget the part where Jameson actually puts a bunch of balls [pool balls and golf balls] inside her vagina and shoots them like its a cannon to attack Moore. I was dying and it's something I've never seen in a horror flick before. Nice to see the use of both ZOMBIES and STRIPPERS and making it work for our entertainment.

The direction by Jay Lee isn't gonna change the world or anything. But he's more than capable of giving us visuals we won't forget for a very long time. It's pretty much a point and shoot affair, but the editing is tight and there's a sleazy atmosphere that can be felt most of the time. The film does look like some of those softcore films you can find on Cinemax at night, but I actually felt it gave ZOMBIE STRIPPERS its charm and appeal. Not the best direction I've seen in my life but I can't complain about it either.

The acting was pretty much campy and not all that great. But in a B-movie, that's pretty much the point. Robert Englund plays it over-the-top like he usually does and it works here. Englund plays a disgusting, chauvinistic, greedy bastard of a strip club owner who puts his workers down but doesn't mind if they put money in his pocket. And you totally buy it, even though a part of you does find the guy likeable because Englund shows how much he enjoys the role. You can never knock Robert Englund so I'm not going to. Jenna Jameson, surprisingly, does a pretty good job here as Kat. It's not like I didn't think she could act. Out of all the modern porn stars out there, I always felt Jameson had the chops to have a decent mainstream career. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS isn't a bad place to start that at all. She's quite appealing and can carry lines well. She's also a great stripper. Surprisingly, her acting is actually better she plays a member of the undead, wearing a bunch of makeup and looking like she's having the time of her life. I thought Jameson did a great job and I wouldn't mind seeing her do more mainstream work once she gives birth to her twins.

The other actors are decent and do enough to create funny characters and have a place in the story and film. I do think Roxy Saint, Joey Medina, and Carmit Levite stood out besides Englund and Jameson. Saint played the gothic stripper, Lillith, who idolized Kat. She turned me on with her dark character and her seductive dancing, especially as a zombie. Joey Medina played Paco, the stereotypical Mexican janitor. Either you'll hate him or laugh with him because Medina as Paco will offend some Mexicans. I thought he was funny and his sparring with Englund who pretty much called him every Mexican slur in the book was hilarious as well. And Carmit Levite as the Russian, Madame Blavatski, was funny as well with her one liners. Nice cast for a low-budget flick.

My only real beef was the last few minutes of the film. ZOMBIE STRIPPERS should not be a serious film, but it got sort of serious as it wound down. It also tried some heavy duty political commentary while it was at it and it didn't really do much to help the story. Oh well.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE GATHERING DOLLAR BILLS FOR A ZOMBIE LAP DANCE

- In 2012, George W. Bush will win a 4th term as United States President with his Vice President pick, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Wow, the KINDERGARDEN COP and the guy who probably never graduated past Kindergarden. I had no idea END OF DAYS 2 was in production!

- You can't kill zombies with an electromagnetic pulse. But you can kill their Presidential hopes by pairing them with a dumbass hockey mom/Governor who thinks running for top office is like competing in a beauty pageant. Even Joe Six-Pack knows this! *Wink*

- Some strippers will sit on your face and give birth to your head. As far as I'm concerned, that is the true meaning of reincarnation. Oh to be born again...

- A zombie attempted to eat a scared Jenna Jameson. I don't know why she was so surprised by that. It happened all the time at her old job...

- Kat was a better stripper dead than she was alive. It turned me on so much that I may have to consider necrophilia. Again.

- Don't ever receive a blowjob from a hot zombie. She'll bit off more than you can chew. Literally.

- Don't get seduced by a zombie stripper. Her act will eventually give you a headache. Literally.

- A zombie's favorite film is THE WARRIORS. Funny how the dead have better taste in films than most of the living. BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA? Really?

- Davis, who wanted to get laid with the prudish Jessy before dying, promised he wouldn't stick it in her all the way. Okay, who stole my journal and has been using my life story? Um I mean...yeah...that's funny...heh...because that would never happen in real life...yeah...

- Jenna Jameson got stabbed three times in the head. Talk about deep penetration!

THE FINAL HOWL
Yeah, I can't believe it either - ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is one of the best horror flicks of 2008. It's not a great film in the slightest but it's one of those films that is so bad that it's good. Plus it'll put a smile on your face when you're watching it with your buddies while drinking beer and chewing on some popcorn. Here's a movie that finally gives the viewer exactly what it's promoting and I am totally appreciative of that. Definitely rent this one if you just want to be silly on a Friday or Saturday Night. Hell, I'm buying this one eventually when I get the chance. If you like zombies and if you like boobs, boobs, and more boobs - you can't go wrong with ZOMBIE STRIPPERS.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to work out the rigor mortis that's suddenly affected my penis. Now where's the baby oil...?

Quarantine (2008)

DIRECTED BY
John Erick Dowdle

STARRING
Jennifer Carpenter - Angela Vidal
Steve Harris - Scott Percival
Jay Hernandez - Jake
Johnathon Schaech - George Fletcher
Columbus Short - Danny Wilensky
Greg Germann - Laurence
Dania Ramirez - Sadie

Genre - Horror/POV

Running Time - 89 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4


Ever since the massive success of THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT back in 1999 [was it that long ago? God!], POV horror has become all the rage. It started out pretty slow, but once the YouTube generation kicked in, there seems to be no stopping it. This year alone we've had two American horror flicks that used the POV thing to varied success - George A. Romero's DIARY OF THE DEAD and CLOVERFIELD. Now we have QUARANTINE, which seems to want to continue on the success wave that CLOVERFIELD stepped off of.

QUARANTINE is a remake of a Spanish-language film that's not available in the U.S. yet called [REC]. Since mainstream America doesn't want to watch horror films with subtitles due to laziness or maybe just a low level of literacy, Hollywood decided to...what else...remake [REC] and put its spin on the story while maintaining most of the sequences from the original version. While it's not as good or as exciting as CLOVERFIELD was earlier in the year or a trailblazer like THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT was almost 10 years ago, QUARANTINE is still an effective horror flick that should please most horror fans disillusioned with the current American horror scene.

PLOT
Angela Vidal (Jennifer Carpenter) is some TV host for a show called "Night Shift". In this edition of her show, Angela and her faithful cameraman, Scott (Steve Harris), hang out with an overnight fireman crew in Los Angeles. For about 15 minutes, we watch Angela interact with the fire department, especially two firemen named Jake (Jay Hernandez) and Fletcher (Johnathon Schaech). As Angela and the firemen begin to bond, there's a call at a station about some old apartment building where its residents heard some screams coming from some elderly woman's apartment. The fire department and the police arrive at the scene, where they enter to find the old woman not making a lot of sense and foaming at the mouth. It doesn't help that she has blood all over her either. Out of nowhere, she attacks one of the policemen and rips some flesh before killing her.

Getting everyone out of their apartments and attempting to leave the building, Angela and the rest soon learned that the Center of Disease Control has locked the building down in a state of quarantine. With no way to get out, those inside the building must deal with infected and rabid humans who want nothing more than to kill and spread the disease.

REVIEW
This is sort of a hard review to write because I was very excited about watching QUARANTINE and after watching it, I felt a bit disappointed. It's a good horror flick, don't get me wrong, but I guess I was expecting more out of it. It's an intense film and there were moments where I did jump or feel creeped out, but it's the kind of film that works better if you don't know much about it. I tried not to let it effect me, but knowing what the original was about and then seeing the previews multiple times for QUARANTINE that pretty much give away the entire film [and I'm being absolutely serious] made the film lose much of its effectiveness. I think what made CLOVERFIELD and THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT work so well was because while there was hype that may have overshadowed these films, at least there were still a level of mystery and intrigue since not everything was given away via the trailers. I don't blame the film itself for this. I blame the film studio for lowering the mystery factor because it effected me while I was watching it. Still, QUARANTINE is a film that's worthy of more than a watch because it sets out to creep people out and manages to do it on a certain level.

I've never seen [REC] but I heard the two stories are pretty much the same. It's really not a complicated horror flick. Take 28 DAYS LATER and mix it with NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD pretty much - meaning a bunch of people arguing on how to survive while they deal with infected people of some virus that's barely explained until the last few minutes of the film. While the main plot is great, the whole virus thing seems like an afterthought until the end to explain what's really going on. I think it has something to do with homemade biochemical warfare or some kind of cult or something - I don't really know. I'm sure not many people find that important, but I think it could have helped to know the purpose of the virus and how the personnel outside the building knew quickly to quarantine the premises. The reason for a mystery is to be solved and I wasn't really given a conclusive answer. I'm sure a sequel will be made for this where everything will be explained, so that's probably why it wasn't given enough detail. It didn't hurt the film for me [I happen to like not knowing sometimes] but I thought the opportunity was there and not necessarily taken all the way. That's all I'm saying.

QUARANTINE also fails to bring anything new to the table. While still effective as a film, we've pretty much seen this all before. From running infected "zombies", to people who can't get along to face their fears and survive, to people hiding their infection while their allies dwindle in number - the story is pretty cliched. But at least the cliches work here and aren't overdone to make your eyes roll. If it's not broken, don't fix it, right?

I do feel that the ending was a big letdown though. I guess it was the appropriate ending, but it suffered from having it being a major part of the trailer. Why did Screen Gems allow what could have been a very powerful conclusion be seen right in the trailer and the rest of the promotional campaign? That frustrates me because things like that should NEVER happen when you want to sell your film. It cheapens the thrills and the surprise. The whole thing was just fucked up in my opinion.

The gore FX was very cool in QUARANTINE. I couldn't believe that these SFX were actually done "live" and not with some post-production CGI. I was very impressed and you definitely see some gory stuff. I totally bought the violence protrayed in this film.

I wish I could be as nice about the direction by John Erick Dowdle. I understand the whole POV aspect in horror is the "it" thing right now, but this was just too much. The first hour was great and there wasn't alot of shaking going on. But that last half hour almost killed me when the remaining survivors got all frantic and started to run all over the house to hide and escape. It not only makes one dizzy and nauseous, but you don't see a damn thing anyway. I want to watch a horror film to see what's going on. I don't want to see someone running with their camera pointed down so I can watch a blurry sequence of feet running up a flight of stairs. And then it kept turning back and forth and it was just - yeah. I think shaky cam can work. It worked in CLOVERFIELD, the BOURNE films, and even in the HALLOWEEN remake. But there was too much of it here and it took me out of the film rather than putting me in it. Besides that, I liked the direction. Especially the sequence where the camera actually becomes a weapon and takes out one of the infected. But it could have been a bit more subtle. Besides, what sane cameraman would continue to film what happens in this house as they're being viciously hunted down and attacked? People are more professional at their jobs than I thought.

The acting was fantastic though. I really bought what was going on in the house due to the performances from the cast. I'm sure there was a lot of improvisation going on here because sticking to the script wouldn't work here. Jennifer Carpenter, of Dexter and THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE, is very likeable as Angela. She has a playful personality which suddenly changes once she's scared by the events of the house. Carpenter screams and whimpers with the best of them. I totally believed she was scared for her life. Jay Hernandez, of HOSTEL, played the heroic character of Jake. I liked him alot and he gave a natural performance. You could tell the character was scared without him really getting overdramatic. It was a nice performance. Steve Harris, from The Practice, played the cameraman. Harris doesn't really do much until the last half of the film and we get to see his view on the situation. Johnathon Schaech was swarmy as Fletcher. He was sort of playful but in a dickhead sort of way. His performance here was a lot better than in that PROM NIGHT remake. We also had appearances from Ally McBeal's Greg Germann and Heroes' Dania Ramirez as residents of the apartment building. I found everyone in the film to be believeable and they're the main reasons why this remake works as well as it does.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WONDERING WHY THIS HICKEY ON MY NECK IS MAKING ME HUNGRY FOR FLESH

- Angela is really excited about doing a segment about firefighters. I guess she needs a hose for her burning bush.

- Every firehouse has a pole hole. Who knew Sienna Miller got around THAT much?

- Angela is a great basketball player. I dig a woman who can juggle a few balls from time to time.

- Many people were trapped inside an apartment building. Must have been near the Church of Scientology. I hear once you enter, you can't leave. It may be just a film for us, but it's real life for Katie Holmes and Suri Cruise.

- Mrs. Espinoza tore a chunk out of a cop's neck. I'm not surprised by that actually. Some women just can't enough of ham.

- Johnathon Schaech got brutally attacked and became rabid. First divorcing Christina Applegate, then starring in that horrible PROM NIGHT remake, and now this? Geez, there's so much one man can take in one year!

- An infected dog mauled some poor bastard. Sometimes life is a bitch!

- Don't drill a dude when he's unconscious. He'll bite your head over it when he wakes up. Literally.

- A little girl bit a black cop. Just like Kim Kardashian, she prefers dark meat.

THE FINAL HOWL
QUARANTINE is one of the better horror films of 2008, but that really isn't saying a whole lot. While the marketing approach is definitely questionable and the direction a bit disorienting, QUARANTINE is definitely worth checking out if it's still in theaters or for a better bet, on DVD when it's released next year. If you can waste money on SAW V or THE HAUNTING OF MOLLY HARTLEY, you can definitely spend cash on a way better film like QUARANTINE. Just bring some motion sickness pills before you do.

Midnight Silence (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Siko Mike

STARRING
Craig Barber - Nick
Liz Hedgepeth - Taylor
Ryan Dunn - Steve
Tony Frejer - Professor Carpenter
Jake Lief - Midnight Phantom/Radio Announcer Voice

Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 7 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


If you're like me, then you've become very disillusioned with modern American horror. I mean, look at it! Torture porn? Unnecessary sequels made strictly for cash? Remakes up the ass? Horror fans are tired of being given crappy films that are only made so film studios can shove a wad of cash in their greedy pockets.

So where have we been looking for good horror? In other countries or the American independent scene. European, Latin American, and Asian horror have become the source of good material for us to be terrified by. The independent scene is a risk most of the time, but at least these films are made for the love of horror, not because of cash. Sometimes when you're tired of watching crap, you just gotta make something good yourself.

That's what fellow horror movie reviewer/future filmmaker Siko Mike has done. Like me, he's been tired of the shit being forced onto horror fans by Hollywood. So he decided to make his own horror film as an attempt to bring back the horror we all missed so much. Debuting on Halloween, Siko Mike posted his short film, MIDNIGHT SILENCE, on YouTube for the world to see. Knowing the history behind the story of the film through many conversations with him, Siko Mike has created a nice homage to 80s slashers - showing that he has the potential to give us something great later on.

PLOT
Some nutty kid killed a few people and was locked up in a mental asylum. Twenty years after this fact, a college class discusses what has been called "Midnight Silence", wondering what made this kid do what he did. Was it because he was insane? Was it because he was pure evil? Or is there something more sinister?

Unfortunately, the kids don't really take the thing seriously. One person in particular, Nick (Craig Barber), pretty much shakes it off so he can spend Spring Break with his honey, Liz (Liz Hedgepeth). What they don't know is that some guy wearing a blank white mask plans on killing again. Will they survive? Will he be wearing a sheet, disgusing himself as a ghost? Will he get his eye poked with a hanger while the victims hide in a closet?

Oh wait...this isn't HALLOWEEN. It's MIDNIGHT SILENCE!!

REVIEW
Even though the last line in my plot synopsis is me being a smartass, MIDNIGHT SILENCE is undoubtedly inspired by John Carpenter's classic HALLOWEEN. From the black white mask that you can project anything on, to the backstory itself, to the professor whose last name happens to be Carpenter - it's not hard to see. Still, I rather take a homage of HALLOWEEN than another remake of it. So it's all good with me.

MIDNIGHT SILENCE is inspired by a short story written by Siko Mike. Due to the limited time and short budget, the film isn't as long as it should be. It's an extremely well made 7 minute film, don't get me wrong, but this is the type of movie that deserves to be at least 80 minutes. It's probably the only negative I can really give the film because I know first hand what Siko Mike wanted to do with this film. He does plan on remaking the film into his true vision sometime down the line, which will be an interesting thing to see since this short film has a lot of promise.

There's nothing complex about the story. Kid kills. Kid, now an adult, escapes asylum to kill again. College students pretty much dismiss the story and are preoccupied with themselves to see the danger of the situation. Killer strikes. It's your standard slasher film, but shortened in 7 minutes. The dialogue is believable. The characters don't annoy me at all. They're developed well enough in 7 minutes to where I can get a sense of who they basically are. Siko Mike wrote a nice short script that is just a drop of what this film truly intends to be. I look at it as a teaser for something bigger in the future. And the future is pretty bright with this one.

The SFX by Jake Lief is good for a low budget. There's not a lot of it, but we do get blood on our computer screens, which is always nice in the horror arena. The music by Brandon Davis is very nice, giving the film a very creepy atmosphere. There was a lot attention given to these areas, which is always nice to see.

Siko Mike directs MIDNIGHT SILENCE very well for an amateur. The dude has a vision and uses it quite well. It's simple directing that's not too sylish to overcompensate for the low budget. The editing is good. My favorite shot is when the Midnight Phantom first makes his appearance. It's obviously taken from HALLOWEEN and HALLOWEEN II when The Shape's mask emerges from the dark background to scare viewers. It's so subtle that I think it's a beautiful directing technique. Siko Mike does a nice job and he's only gonna improve.

The acting was good as well. You can tell all the actors are not professionals, but it's sad to say that they are better than certain A-list celebrities in big-budgeted films. They all gave natural performances and never overdid it. I did think the professor was pretty funny. That fake punch sequence made me laugh. It's a student film, so I wasn't expecting Oscar-caliber work. What I got here was more than fine.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE HIDING FROM THAT WHITE MASKED PERSON STARING THROUGH MY WINDOW

- "All people have a darkness in their personality." If you're Michael Jackson, you just bleach that away. Then it's Casper forever!

- The Midnight Phantom killed everyone at the stroke of midnight. I know where the wacko is coming from. There's a lot of stroking going on at my house every midnight as well.

- Steve is both a dick and an asshole. Well if that's the case, he can just go fuck himself!

- Nick wonders who still uses a radio. No kidding. After listening to a Jonas Brothers song for the first time, I took off my purity ring and quit altogether.

THE FINAL HOWL
MIDNIGHT SILENCE shows a film that has potential when it's film to its actual length. But for now, it's only 7 minutes - and while that's too short for a film like this, MIDNIGHT SILENCE is surprisingly well made and shows a lot of promise. Siko Mike is gonna have a great future if he continues to make films like MIDNIGHT SILENCE. As a future filmmaker myself, I hope to contribute with him one of these days and create the ultimate Fright Fest. But he's doing very well on his own and I've very proud of him. To all my fellow reviewers - spread the word on MIDNIGHT SILENCE. Siko Mike deserves it!


Siko Mike's YouTube Page [You can see MIDNIGHT SILENCE here]

Midnight Silence Official MySpace

Otis (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Tony Krantz

STARRING
Bostin Christopher - Otis Broth
Ashley Johnson - Riley Lawson
Daniel Stern - Will Lawson
Illeana Douglas - Kate Lawson
Kevin Pollak - Elmo Broth
Jere Burns - Agent Hotchkiss
Jared Kusnitz - Reed Lawson

Genre - Horror/Comedy

Running Time - 100 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


PLOT - OTIS is about a big pizza delivery dude of the same name (Bostin Christopher) who likes to kidnap teenage girls and then imprisoning them in some cell near his home. Otis seems to have this sick and creepy fascination calling all his victims "Kim", forcing them to act out all these weird High School fantasies with them, such as going on movie dates and taking them to prom. If these girls refuse to play Otis' game, they end up "disappearing" in different ways. Even with the "support" of his brother Elmo (Kevin Pollak) who doesn't know what Otis is really up to, Otis still continues his sick game.

Otis' latest victim is a girl he meets during one of his delivery runs named Riley (Ashley Johnson). Needing another Kim, Otis kidnaps her on her way to school and makes Riley his new "Kim". Her parents (Daniel Stern & Illeana Douglas), along with her brother Reed (Jared Kusnitz) worry for her safety, but are being "helped" by an FBI agent (Jere Burns) who seems to be more interested in being famous than actually solving cases. After a few days, Riley manages to escape when Otis becomes careless, returning to the safety of the outside world. Now wanting revenge, Riley's parents plan to torture Otis like he tortured their daughter. Unfortunately, they torture the wrong man, making them realize that it's only a matter of time that Otis finishes his "prom date" with "Kim".

REVIEW

STORY - OTIS is supposed to be a satire on the rent crop of "torture porn" flicks like SAW, HOSTEL, and CAPTIVITY. For the most part, the story works. I do think the film could have been edgier and almost "torture porn" like with the "Kim" situations, but that really wasn't the point of OTIS, was it? While I still have an issue with that, the story is still surprisingly strong and very amusing. I dig dark comedies alot and I dug OTIS. Writer Erik Jendresen did a nice job making the whole "torture porn" aspect of the film seem uncomfortable, yet silly at the same time. And once Riley escapes, the film turns into a full-blown comedy. Not in a "ha-ha" sort of way, but in a "I understand how that goes" way. The characters are very silly, but in ways in that they're almost very human as well. I can actually imagine a family like the Lawsons existing in real life - same goes to the Broth family. They're not caricatures of people. They react in realistic ways, although they're in a ridiculous situation. I think people expect OTIS to be serious because most "torture porn" flicks are serious. But when was the last time we've seen these films in that light? Hell, I couldn't even watch the last SAW flick without thinking how stupid that franchise has become. So to see someone take the time to actually make fun of it was very refreshing. It should have been more brutal to match the "torture porn" flicks that we usually see, but you can't have it all.

I also have an issue with the ending. It was just really silly and felt like a last minute idea. In the Special Features of the DVD, there's an alternate ending that is actually a whole lot better than the actual one. It's much stronger, more effective, and actually kind of funny in a sick way. That ending should have been in the final cut.

DIRECTION - Tony Krantz does a really nice job with the film. The editing is tight. The pacing is extremely well done. It's not a visually stunning film, but it's just right for a film like OTIS. I think the film Otis filmed with all the "Kim"s was actually really funny and clever, splicing things together to make it seem these girls actually wanted him. It was a low budget film but never really looked like one. That's some good direction.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - There is definitely violence in this film. People get killed in vicious ways and there's blood seen. Teenage girls get slapped around by Otis. It's never extreme but I wouldn't let children watch this one. The sex was milder, although there is a handjob scene that doesn't last all that long [*snickers*]. And there is sexual inneundos and harsh language as well. Definitely an R-rated film.

ACTING - Probably the best part of OTIS was the fantastic acting. I totally believed Bostin Christopher as Otis. Dude was creepy as hell and seemed like one of those people you'd look at and go, "Yep. That dude is a serial killer." He could be sweet as hell one moment, and then vicious the next. Plus he had some nice emotional scenes as well. Very nice performance and I can't believe this is his first major role. Where has this guy been? Ashley Johnson, who played the younger sister on Growing Pains, is very hot and a very good actress. She was totally natural as Riley, as I felt her confusion and frustration throughout the entire film. I liked her "final girl" performance alot, as she brought a lot of charm to the role. Daniel Stern and Illeana Douglas were very funny as the parents. Their constant arguments over every single thing never got old. In fact, they got funnier as it went along. Still at the same time, you can tell the two characters loved each other. Great acting there. Jere Burns played such an asshole of an FBI agent that I actually liked him alot. He played the biggest dickhead I haven't seen in quite a while. His character really shouldn't have been as interesting as it was, but Burns took it to another level. Kevin Pollak pretty much had a cameo as Otis' brother. He was very funny in the role though we barely knew much about him. And Jared Kusnitz played Riley's brother, who seemed to be as vindictive as Otis. Very sarcastic and funny performance. The acting probably made the film better than it should have been.

MUSIC - From Quiet Riot, to The B-52s, to A Flock of Seagulls, to Talking Heads - I was in HEAVEN! I love all the music used here. It made the film quirkier and very upbeat. This is a soundtrack worth owning.

THE FINAL HOWL
OTIS was a surprise because I didn't expect to enjoy this one all that much. But I really did and find it to be one of the better horror films of 2008. It's a very smart, witty, and pretty funny satire of a sub-genre that we're all pretty much over at this point. Definitely rental if you haven't seen it. Hell, I'll probably buy it at some point. It's not perfect but it does more than enough to entertain. And sometimes, that's all that really matters.

NyMpha (2007)

DIRECTED BY
Ivan Zuccon

STARRING
Tiffany Shepis - Sarah
Alessandra Guerzoni - Mother Superior
Michael Segal - Marco
Francesco Primavera - Dr. Bellini

Genre - Horror/Religious Thriller

Running Time - 92 Minutes

Score - 2.5 Howls Outta 4


PLOT - Sarah (Tiffany Shepis) joins a convent run by some really weird nuns in Italy to forget a dark past and focus on her communion with God. Once Sarah starts to get comfortable with her new life and surroundings, she suddenly has visions of horrible rape, incest, and murder. The nuns seem to know everytime Sarah seems to have these visions, punishing her for them. And when I say punishing, I mean gouging out her eyes, burning her hands, and cutting out her tongue. Let's not forget the whole emotional and mental trauma the visions and the punishments are adding on top of that. So what's going on? Why is Sarah having visions about a girl named Nimfa? What is this convent really?

REVIEW

STORY - NYMPHA is an interesting film that starts out as a nunploitation flick, but ends up turning into a ghost story/religious thriller. It's one of those films that's more focused on HOW things came to be instead of WHO was behind these things. The sub-plot involving Nimfa and her horrible life is pretty much the focus and it's an interesting one, sure. But the problem is that the flashbacks and Sarah's dealing with this information through her visions don't really relate all that much. I never got a sense of connection between what was happening to Nimfa and what happened to Sarah other than the torturing. Was Sarah living the same way as Nimfa? Did they share similar experiences? If we knew more about Sarah and her reasons for being in that convent to begin with, maybe the visions would have been more effective. In fact, watching NYMPHA made me realize that the whole Sarah sub-plot wouldn't have been needed to even tell most of the film's story. I'm not saying the story sucked, because it didn't. But it could have been more powerful and more cohesive than it actually was.

DIRECTION - Zuccon does a decent job, but it's obvious he was overly ambitious with this project [which he also produced, wrote, and edited]. But then again, over-ambition is better than being lazy, so kudos for that. The film looked a step-above from low-budget and it was shot well. I thought the back-and-forth storytelling was good. The pacing was a bit off during the middle of the film and kind of lost me at how uninteresting it was getting, but at least it picked up towards the end. Not a horrible directorial job but I've seen better.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - People getting murdered and tortured were highlights. The effects were pretty well done as well, as I was convinced Sarah was physically tortured by these nuns. We get the usual Tiffany Shepis naked spot within 10 minutes of the film. We also get a short lesbian scene between Shepis and the actress playing Nimfa. We also got some foul language but nothing compared to the violence and the sex.

ACTING - Tiffany Shepis is actually very good here as Sarah. She's mainly known for her curvacious body and her lack of qualms for going nude. But Shepis is given more material here where she can actually show some emotion and allow herself to branch out to show everyone that not only is she beautiful, but she can act as well. I liked her here alot. The other actors were very good as well. The acting was probably the film's strongest suit, because I have no complaints about it.

MUSIC - Very subtle gothic score that I won't remember anytime soon. Hell, I have trouble remembering it now.

THE FINAL HOWL
NYMPHA is a slow-paced horror/thriller that's not gonna be appreciated by everyone. It's one of those films where you need to be patient in order to somewhat understand what's going on. If you're a Tiffany Shepis fan, you probably already seen this one. If you haven't, check it out. For everyone else, I think it's worth at least a look but you'll either like or you won't.

Saw V (2008)

DIRECTED BY
David Hackl

STARRING
Tobin Bell - John Kramer/Jigsaw
Costas Mandylor - Detective Mark Hoffman
Scott Patterson - Agent Peter Strahm
Betsy Russell - Jill Tuck
Julie Benz - Brit
Greg Bryk - Mallick
Meagan Good - Luba

Genre - Horror/"Torture Porn"

Running Time - 88 Minutes

Score - 2 Howls Outta 4


When SAW V was released this past weekend, I wasn't excited about it. Let's face the facts - the fifth installments of many big horror franchises usually disappoint and are just plain awful. Don't believe me? Check this out:

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING - Many fans consider this to be the worst entry in the long running franchise. Why? Because it should have never been made, especially when the entry before it was deemed FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE FINAL CHAPTER. Paramount Studios got everyone's hopes up thinking Jason Voorhees would return after getting butchered. But noooo...let's put a fake Jason doing the killing instead! That'll make the fans happy! Unfortunately it doesn't work, giving us a mystery that can be solved fifteen minutes into the film. Plus when you have the most annoying characters in the franchise's history, things are gonna go sour. If I ever see Violet [a.k.a. Robot Girl] again, I'm gonna pop and lock her ass into submission.

A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET PART 5: THE DREAM CHILD - Here's a film that had a really interesting and mature theme that could have made this movie a highlight in the franchise. Instead, these mature ideas are tossed aside for horrible dream sequences [Super Freddy anyone?] and a Freddy Krueger that's no more than a shell of what he used to be in the previous installments. Plus other than "final girl" Alice, the characters weren't worth the paper they were idealized and written on.

HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS - Probably the biggest disappointment of them all. THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS ended with a great conclusion that could have led to very interesting installments. Instead, fans were given the shaft when they pussied out of that ending - instead giving us a horrible storyline where Michael Myers is psychically linked to his neice, Jamie Lloyd, while some Man In Black follows him around like a love sick puppy. And let's not forget that horrible looking mask, bad direction, and a character named Tina that deserves to burn in the pits of Hell for all eternity.

There are so many other fifth installments I could mention here, but you get my drift. So coming into seeing SAW V, I went in with low expectations. And the funny thing is that those expectations were pretty much met. SAW V is as pointless as SAW IV, but I can say at least that it could have been a lot worse.

PLOT
Continuing from SAW III and SAW IV, we watch Agent Strahm (Scott Patterson) struggle with escaping the location where Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) died as Detective Mark Hoffman (Costas Mandylor), who was revealed in SAW IV to be Jigsaw's secret apprentice, has him trapped there. Strahm has to survive a supposedly unescapable trap if he wants to escape. Being crafty, Strahm manages to outsmart the trap and barely escapes with his life intact.

As Strahm deals with his own trauma, Hoffman is congratulated and promoted for tracking down Jigsaw and solving the case. But once he's able to finally relax, Hoffman receives a note that says "I know who you are". Now rattled this cover may be blown, Hoffman must figure out who knows his true identity. Is it Strahm? Is it Jigsaw's ex-wife, Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell), who recently received a box from Jigsaw telling her what to do with the contents inside? Or is it someone else entirely?

Meanwhile, five people wake up to find that they're all chained together as some sort of Jigsaw trap. Apparently they've all been privileged and pretty much used it to ruin others, now having to suffer through "rehabilitation" in order to find their way to survive.

Yeah, this film is as interesting as it sounds.

REVIEW
While I was expecting worse, SAW V still fails on many levels. Like I've said countless times before, it's not needed and it makes me wonder how much longer can Lionsgate extend a franchise that was perfectly fine as a trilogy. Nothing in this film really adds all that much to the narrative and has proven that the SAW franchise lost all the unpredictability and originality that made it so powerful and effective to begin with. Yet, I was never bored nor did I hate the film to give it a lower score. It was just a mediocre SAW film, which is something a SAW film should never be.

I will give credit to Patrick Melton and Marcus Dunstan, who wrote the horror film FEAST. While the script was as predictable as they come, at least the film was easier to follow than the mess that was SAW IV. While there are multiple sub-plots, at least they all made sense in their own segments. The strongest one, of course, was the Jigsaw-Hoffman flashbacks, which detailed how the two encountered each other and led to Hoffman's recruitment. That's mainly because it's hard to screw with a character like John Kramer and since we're already invested in him, any scenes he's in take priority. I don't feel these flashbacks are necessary really, but at least they were written well.

Even the sub-plot with the five trapped characters is interesting, mainly because that's the only time where the film actually feels like a SAW flick. It actually reminded me of SAW II, where the victims had a common link to each other and through surviving traps was when it would all be revealed. While it's not as involved or as exciting as the narrative in II, at least it was kept simple and to the point so you can be invested in it somehow.

The script does have its problems though. My biggest beef is that the film focused on two characters that have no right carrying any horror film, let alone any film. Having SAW V focus on the most boring conflict of good vs. evil [Strahm vs. Hoffman] pretty much ruins any enjoyment one should have with this film. These two people are dull and not worth investing time into. I still don't understand why these two are the main characters in this "new SAW trilogy". How do you go from interesting characters like Jigsaw, Amanda, Detective Matthews, Dr. Lawrence Gordon, Detective Kerry, etc., to underwritten characters like the ones we have now? And to have these two men carry this storyline is a terrible injustice for any SAW fan. It's bizarre to me.

I also found that the sub-plots didn't work together as well as they should have. They just didn't have a cohesive feel and I was wondering if SAW V was really three different movies in one. It kind of all came together at the end, but not enough for it to really be effective.

And the ending that "you won't believe how it ends" was kind of disappointing. It just shows how badly written certain characters are when one of them ends up being the biggest dumbass in a span of 3 minutes. I couldn't believe how much viewers had to be forced to invest in such a stupid fuck of a character for two films. And as for a twist, the only twist I got was that I was ripped off 12 bucks to watch this and that there will be another sequel. Sigh...

The traps in SAW V are probably the tamest of all the traps in this franchise. They were really old school and traps I would expect to see a magician in Las Vegas use to wow the crowd. They sort of came across as unoriginal, but I still kind of liked them nonetheless. The pendulum bit was kind of cool, as well as the water box trap, the trap that involved pints of blood to release the survivors, and the final trap right at the end [as much as I disliked the actual ending, at least the visuals for it were pretty cool]. Gore hounds probably won't be into this one as they are in the other installments, but I didn't mind it all that much.

The direction by David Hackl wasn't all that bad. Taking over for Darren Lynn Bousman, Hackl is pretty much a point and shoot type of guy. The crazy cuts and shaky cam are done at a minimum, which is a plus. He's very subtle and keeps the visuals very grounded. It doesn't totally feel like a SAW film but it's a nice looking film that works well enough on the eyes. Not a bad debut for Hackl. It's just a shame he couldn't work with better and stronger material.

The acting, on the other hand, was pretty flawed. Tobin Bell was still great as John Kramer/Jigsaw. His scenes were the strongest in the film and it amazes me how these producers continue to use a dead character to extend a story that doesn't deserve to be as long and detailed as it is. I also enjoyed Betsy Russell as well as the ex-wife. I think her performance here was just as good here as it was in SAW IV. I also liked the acting of the five victims, especially Julie Benz, who's best known for her work on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Angel, and especially on Dexter. Her character sucked but I like Benz in anything she does. Too bad she had to wear a horrible wig too. What was up with that?

However, Scott Patterson and Costas Mandylor were pretty bland as the main characters of the film. Patterson doesn't really have enough charisma to turn Strahm from a stereotypical detective to a three-dimensional character. Plus he had to talk with a raspy voice due to something that happens to him at the beginning of the film, which came in-and-out everytime he spoke. He doesn't make a convincing good guy and I didn't care about him at all. As for Mandylor, if there was an award for "Best Mafia Boss Wannabe", this guy would take it by a landslide. He never comes across as a menacing villain. He actually comes across as a bored actor desperately trying hard to be a genius badass. I don't buy this dude at all and I can't see any one who would. It's like a joke and he's the only one in on it. They made two SAW films and are making another one for this Mandylor dude? Who is this guy sleeping with and where is the evidence he's holding over the producers heads that prove this? I really don't get it.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WISHING THIS FRANCHISE ENDED TWO MOVIES AGO

- Don't ever fall behind when going after the key to your survival. You'll fall heads over heels at the consequences to your snail-like behavior.

- Jigsaw blackmailed Hoffman into working for him. Apparently he also blackmailed someone at Lionsgate studios for continuing this franchise. I smell nude pix and a sex tape!

- Don't ever try and steal someone's key that leads to a bomb shelter. The bashing to your head that created that terrible headache is just the beginning of an explosive night.

- Don't mess with Julie Benz when her life is at stake. She's been dating a serial killer for three seasons, plus she used to be a vampire longer than that. The ways you can be murdered increase tenfold whenever she's around, so don't be shocked by the results of your actions.

- Don't put your enemy in a trap that was meant for you. You'll look like nothing but a dumbass. You may need no education but you'll still just be another brick in the wall.

THE FINAL HOWL
SAW V is a hit and miss for me. I did enjoy some elements of the film, but the rest of it was too flawed for me to ignore. For those who haven't seen SAW V, make sure to watch the others. This film is basically for SAW fans only since it never explains much of anything from previous films and pretty much just continues where the last one left off. It could have been a lot worse though and I'm surprised this fifth installment still managed to entertain on some level. I'm not looking forward to SAW VI next year, but I'll be there because Jigsaw blackmailed me into watching it. I knew I should have never taken those compromising photos with that Jigsaw doll...

Saw IV (2007)

DIRECTED BY
Darren Lynn Bousman

STARRING
Tobin Bell - John Kramer/Jigsaw
Lyriq Bent - Lieutenant Rigg
Costas Mandylor - Detective Hoffman
Scott Patterson - Agent Peter Strahm
Betsy Russell - Jill Tuck
Athena Karkanis - Agent Lindsey Perez
Justin Louis - Art Blank
Donnie Wahlberg - Detective Eric Matthews

Genre - Horror/"Torture Porn"

Running Time - 95 Minutes

Score - 2.5 Howls Outta 4


Some people just haven't learned that all good things must come to an end.

If anyone was asked to list the most memorable horror films of this decade, I have no doubt SAW would be near, if not on top, of the list. The franchise introduced everyone to a new horror icon named Jigsaw, supposedly created a new sub-genre of horror called "torture porn", and has become a Halloween tradition at the box office since 2004. Jigsaw's traps to make his victims see the error of their ways have become spectacles that much of the mainstream has eaten up due to their gory finishes. Plus the twist endings of each installment have been extremely memorable. SAW through SAW III was a great trilogy, with interesting characters and situations - as well as twist and turns that made a lot of sense. SAW III wrapped up the Jigsaw and Amanda story perfectly, tying up loose ends and giving the followers a satisfying end.

Too bad when money talks, bullshit walks.

After SAW III made good in the box office, Lionsgate decided to greenlight three more SAW films. Sure Jigsaw and Amanda were dead and the series finished, but why not milk a good thing for all its worth and extend a story that doesn't need it? Who cares if the story is good or not. Screw the fans! More SAW flicks will make a lot of money for greedy Hollywood executives!!

I remember when SAW IV was about to be released. To say I was excited would be a huge lie. In fact, I thought the idea of another SAW film was silly to me because the first three films already said what they had to say. Another installment was pointless and a cop-out, as SAW III was it for me and ended on a high note. But I'm not gonna lie and say I wasn't curious.

I watched SAW IV last year. I wasn't impressed at all. I just thought it was derivative and a shell of what the first three films were. So a year later, I watched the fourth installment again. This time, knowing what was up, I dug it a bit more. Still, it's the weakest film in the series as of this writing and pretty much that sequel that was made for the love of money instead for the love of the fans that made the franchise what it is today.

PLOT
John Kramer/Jigsaw (Tobin Bell) is dead. His corpse is on an autopsy table where a coroner removes his brain and cuts Jigsaw right open. Surprisingly, there's a tape inside of Jigsaw's stomach ready to be played. Detective Hoffman (Costas Mandylor), who is the lead detective on Jigsaw's case, plays the tape that reveals the rest of the film.

We follow multiple storylines. The main plot revolves around Officer Rigg (Lyriq Bent), who's being tested in one of Jigsaw's final games in which he must learn how to get over his obsession to save the people around him, even when saving them could do more harm than good. If Rigg follows Jigsaw's game, he'll be able to save Detective Eric Matthews (Donnie Wahlberg) and Detective Hoffman, who was captured also. Other plot points involve two new officers, Agent Strahm (Scott Patterson) and Agent Perez (Athena Karkanis), who are investigating Detective Kerry's (Dina Meyer) murder and keeping their eye on Rigg. The two cross paths with Jill Tuck (Betsy Russell) who happens to be Jigsaw's ex-wife. Through Jill, we learn what really motivated Jigsaw to start his games. More sub-plots appear as well, making this summary and film more complicated than they have any right to be.

REVIEW
SAW IV is a totally unnecessary sequel that really should not have been made. At least it's entertaining and does more things right than it does wrong. But it's really a convoluted mess in its narrative structure and just makes you say "been there, seen that".

The story is really the main flaw for SAW IV. There's just too much going on at once and not all of it really goes together to create a cohesive movie. Let me just say for those who may have been confused about SAW IV that this film is pretty much SAW III - THE UNSEEN FOOTAGE. Everything here takes place during SAW III. A lot of people didn't get that, so I'm just putting it out there.

The main plot with Rigg and his game is obviously the most interesting. The whole "obsession" theme works really well and engages you from beginning to end. For me, it's the only part of the film that feels like a true SAW installment, with the traps and the hints and clues that led to its climatic conclusion. I think it was because we know Rigg from SAW II and SAW III, so we already feel connected to the guy and want to see him succeed in Jigsaw's game - although it's easy to figure out by this point that it'll most likely not happen. Still, I enjoyed the journey of this guy's struggle to do what he feels is right, not realizing that he's just too blind to see the reality in front of him.

I also dug the Jigsaw flashbacks. While I didn't really need to know why he became Jigsaw other than the fact that he had cancer, to learn more about what led to these events are actually quite satisfying. To think he was a kind and selfless man who just had bad shit happen to him pretty much all at once makes him extremely sympathetic. I don't think I would have gone to the lengths he did to prove his point, but we all deal with our anger in different ways.

But everything else for me? Didn't really care for it really. The two new agents introduced aren't all that interesting really and don't add much to the film at all. I kept wondering what was the point of Strahm and Perez to begin with. Perez's exit was decent enough though, but didn't mean much at the end. Plus the whole thing with Jigsaw's lawyer, Eric Matthews, and especially Hoffman was just bland. Okay, I'm glad we finally learn what happened to Matthews, but that info wasn't really needed. Couldn't the fans just speculate what happened to the guy? I guess that would involve too much usage of one's brain. For that, I apologize.

The twist was also very disappointing, since I saw it coming from a mile away. I guess it sort of makes sense in context to the film's narrative, but it just left me numb and wondering why SAW IV was even made. I don't get why the franchise is moving in this direction and why this new apprentice was chosen. The person doesn't fascinate me as a character like Amanda did. I guess SAW V will fill the holes in for me when it comes to this character. It's the least it can do, I guess.

The traps and gore here are okay. Nothing here really excited me. We get an almost scalping, limbs being torn apart in a torture device, head getting squished, knives to the face, and eyes getting popped. I thought it was pretty tame compared to the first three SAW films actually. Still, I liked the ice block trap. That was a pretty cool device. And the hotel dungeon one was pretty cool too. But nothing else really stuck out for me.

The direction by Darren Lynn Bousman was good. I mean, he directed SAW II and SAW III. He knows his way around these films by now. I loved the scene transitions, which were extremely clever. The angles and crazy camera shots were pretty neat. There were some nice jump scares too. I do feel though that the scenes with the death traps weren't directed so well. It actually reminded me of SAW II's direction, but worse. I mean, the shaky cam/jump cuts/wacky edit thing really ruined the momentum for what is probably the main reason why people see these films to begin with. If the story was better, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. But this could have compensated for the weak narrative and it didn't. Still, it looked like a SAW film most of the time.

The acting was pretty good. Tobin Bell is always great to see in these SAW movies and SAW IV is no exception. His voice still works for me and the flashback stuff were the most interesting and best acted portions of the film. He owned every scene he was in when he could have just phoned it in and collected his paycheck. I really identified with Jigsaw. Lyriq Bent was also very good as Rigg. He gets to shine here and looks like a star. Too bad he's in only 40 percent of the film when he should have been the main attraction. Costas Mandylor is okay as Hoffman. He's a decent actor but he doesn't do much here. Scott Patterson, from Gilmore Girls, made me laugh most of the time with his melodramatic acting. I think he was trying to hard. And Betsy Russell was cool as Jill. I liked her arc alot and Russell carried it well.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WONDERING WHY DONNIE WAHLBERG LOOKS LIKE ONE OF THOSE GEICO CAVEMEN

- Jigsaw swallowed a cassette tape before his death to leave a final message. While that is a bit odd, I'm sure it'll be more acceptable than what a coroner will find in Clay Aiken's stomach to see what he last swallowed. No, that ain't glue!

- Some dude's eyes were sewn shut. He should consider himself lucky. He'll never have to watch Paris Hilton's My New BFF ever again.

- Some guy got hammered to death. And now in a Michael Jackson "Let's Have A Sleepover at Neverland Ranch" sort of way either. Allegedly.

- Some trap involved a chick's hair getting pulled until she's scalped. If she were Tyra Banks, she wouldn't have that problem.

- Eric Matthews stood on a melting block of ice while hanging in the air with a chain around his neck. Someone took "Hangin' Tough" a bit too literally.

- Some fat dude, who had a torture dungeon, had to strap himself in his very own contraption and watch the crime he committed in order to deal with his demons. Even though dealing tore him limb from limb, it could have been worse - Richard Simmons could have been yelling at him while Sweatin' To The Oldies.

Now let's do those jumping jacks!! One! Two! Three! Four!

- Don't mess with any strange contraptions. Someone's life may be at stake. Literally.

- Don't ever attack Jigsaw head on. You'll be dealing with barb wire. And not that movie with Pamela Anderson either - although I don't think that option is any better.

THE FINAL HOWL
SAW IV should have never been made. But since it was, at least it's a watchable sequel that tries to create a new trilogy out of an old one. Still, it's flawed and not up to par with the first three SAW flicks. I'm not excited about SAW V but maybe it'll be an improvement over this disappointing installment. Then again, this is Hollywood we're talking about. Even if it sucks, it'll still make money. And isn't that what movies are for?

SAW V or HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 this weekend - which one is scarier? I shudder to think.