Jack McClelland - Peter
Mary Gail Artz - Ingrid
James P. Hayden - Craig
Angie Brown - Joanie
Ken Carter - Sheriff
David Barth - Deputy Benson
Tom Drury - Maniac
Genre - Horror/Slasher/Comedy
Running Time - 82 Minutes
Score - BOMB
If there's one command that strikes fear in the hearts of horror fans, it's "Don't".
- DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!
- DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK!
- DON'T TORTURE A DUCKLING!
- DON'T LOOK NOW!
- DON'T BE STICKING THAT FLESH-COLORED THING IN THERE WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S EXIT ONLY!
Okay, so the last one is totally fake. But when I do make that horror-porn classic, it'll be a whole lot better than the abysmal and potential excuse for suicide, DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! Why anyone would want to go into these woods alone or with anyone else is beyond my comprehension. Hell, Smokey The Bear would understand if this patch of trees suffered by fire. So let's light a match and see why DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! doesn't deserve anyone's time.
Four hikers, including Zac Efron and Ron Howard, head into---
Wait, the two masculine hikers were actually women?? Are you sure?? ...Really? Wow...
Okay, let's start over. Four hikers (Jack McClelland, James P. Hayden, Angie "Not Zac Efron" Brown, and Mary Gail "Not Ron Howard" Artz) head into a patch of woods for absolutely no reason. And if there was a reason, I didn't give a shit. Apparently, one of the hikers tells the others to DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! and no one understands why, including the hiker warning them. Talk about the blind leading the blind, deaf, and dumb!
Anyway, there's some mountain man dressed like Fred Flintstone in his Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo gear (Tom Drury) laughing and killing people. Apparently he was raised by Mother Nature, who did a lovely job in telling him that it's okay to murder random people for their food, clothes, and whatever they may be carrying into the region. While this guy is stabbing rollerbladers [?], painters, annoying wives, and a guy in a wheelchair [!?], the hikers try to survive from this madman.
Well, I think that is what happens. I wish I could tell you for sure, but I was watching porn on the computer for 80 minutes of its 82 minute running time. Oh Jenna...
I have three words for DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE!:
WHAT THE FUCK!?
Seriously, DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! has got to be one of the worst slasher films I have EVER had the "pleasure" of sitting down and watching. I knew this was a shitty flick from many of my reviewer friends out there, but as a proud masochist for shit like this, I just had to watch it. And to be honest with you, I'm actually regretting that decision. It took me EIGHT sittings to watch this from beginning to end. I could only take about 10 minutes for sitting before I felt my brain cells cry out in pain before dying at the stupidity I put myself through for watching this piece of 80s crap!
I wish I could comment on the plot and story here, but it's impossible when you've given jack shit. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words here! Other than a doofy looking killer doing his thing - awfully I must add - what is there to say?
The characters? The four hikers aren't developed at all and are all annoying and/or dull in their own way. The killer just laughs and roams around. The police officers are a bunch of clowns. And then random characters just show up for like a minute or two, act weird, and then get killed. It's like, "Who are these people and what other function do they have in this film other than be lambs to the lame slaughter?" I will say that these characters are honestly the more entertaining ones, because they're just so bizarre in terms with the rest of the film.
Seriously, who in the fuck roller skates through the woods!? If you're not Tootie, Olivia Newton-John, or that one dude in Michael Jackson's "Bad" video, take off the skates and WALK!
What about that photographer dude and his annoying wife? They wanted to take a photo of a train. A train IN the woods! Am I missing something?
And the painter lady and her baby daughter, who leaves the baby hanging by a tree feet away so she can paint the landscape - oh wait...she wasn't painting the landscape. She was painting a house in the suburbs!! Look, art is subjective - but this bitch is just loopy. At least the killer made the painting better by adding more red to it.
And don't get me started on the wheelchair guy. I really wanted to feel bad for this guy. I really did. Rolling in his cheer all alone in the woods, trying to enjoy nature. Then he hits a bump on the road and falls out of his chair. But like a trooper, he gets back in that chair and rolls right into a machete blade that decapitates him. Like I said, I wanted to feel bad for him. But I don't have sympathy for any idiot who thinks it's safe to wheel their way through the woods...alone.
The dialogue is also atrocious in every way. There's no amount of depth here and the way they're recited is even worse. And it's obvious this film was dubbed with the weirdest voices with the weirdest accents, where words are accented in the wrong places. It's one of those things you have to see and hear to really "appreciate" how awful it all is.
The soundtrack to DON'T GO IN THE WOODS... sigh. This film would have greatly benefited in the Silent Era of Cinema because the "music" here is Godawful! The majority of the soundtrack seems to involve a two-year-old pressing the keys of a Casio keyboard out of tune. And then the killer's theme sounds like someone dribbling a basketball really badly. I just had to laugh everytime this theme appeared - and it appears quite a lot! And the end credits theme set to the tune of "The Teddy Bears Picnic" that has lyrics like "Don't go into the woods, you'll probably be killed," really end the film on an upbeat note.
The gore in this film is pretty meh. We get blood here and there and the killer does impale people with his spear thing. But nothing too graphic here except for maybe a head getting cut off [wheelchair dude]. I will say that I will never go into killer woods ever again, because if I'm thrown off a cliff by a guy dressed like a wooly mammoth, my body will never be found by the frockling couple a foot away. Seriously...they didn't see a body fall from above or even hear the thud when that same body hit the rocks right next to them? Why am I even trying to make logic out of this stupid movie? My brain hurts...
The direction by James Bryan is horrible. No tension. No suspense. The editing is very choppy to the point where we don't even know some of the time how the victims even get killed. There is just no cohesion here at all. Bryan apparently intended this to be a comedy more than a horror film. Well it's comedic for all the wrong reasons and horrific because it's badly made. So if that was Bryan's goal, he gets a gold star.
The acting is horrible in every way. No one stands out at all. Jack McClelland had the weirdest accent I've ever heard. And his scene where he accidentally stabs some hiker, in which he proclaims, "I'M SO SORRY! I'M SO SORRY!" like a bitch did make me laugh at how bad it was. No one else is worth mentioning, except for some lady in a van who kept pleading for her boyfriend/husband not to go in such a way that she didn't die fast enough for me. I just can't believe I actually managed to watch this from beginning to end. I really can't.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE...WAIT, DID I ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS?
- Some girl running through the woods tripped in a river, where the water turned red around her lower region. Either the killer stabbed her offscreen, or her Yaz pill supplements are working TOO well. Where's Amy Irving, PJ Soles, and Nancy Allen to help her "plug it up"?
- Don't ever walk in a region where trees begin to move on their own. It may cost you an arm and possibly a leg. Literally.
- Three rules to stay safe in a forest:
1. Don't panic.
2. Go up, not down.
3. Don't go into the woods...alone.
Yep, always wear a raincoat when entering a forest. You never know when it'll get wet and the unwanted seeds begin to grow.
- Dale's annoying wife kept whining to him over leaving her alone. The killer didn't Chip away at her useless carcass fast enough as far as I'm concerned.
- Dick and Cheri's conversation had subjects about "it not being perfect," to "her head not in the right place," to her exclamation of "oh my God!" and to "Dick, don't go! Don't go, Dick!" When your sex life is more funny than sexy, then maybe you SHOULD go to the woods...alone.
- Dick isn't afraid of anything with two legs. That explains why he couldn't get laid - a pussy has four.
- Some lady who was painting something in the woods had her kid hanging by a tree many feet away. As a painter, she was a Da Vinci. As a mom, she was clearly a Picasso.
- Never wear a gold star on your chest. You'll receive red marks, usually in blood, for your fashion supernova faux-pas.
- Don't ride a wheelchair through the woods. No, not because you could get killed by a mountain man or a chainsaw wielding maniac. It's because it's FUCKIN' STUPID!!!
THE FINAL HOWL
DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! or with anyone else. This film is bad in every sense of the world. Yeah, you could get perverse entertainment from some of it, but is it worth the thoughts of suicide floating in your head because of it? Probably not. If you love bad movies, check this out. Otherwise, stay away from these woods. I don't want to be responsible for a massive spread of braindead people because of this piece of crap. WTF? indeed...