2.16.2009

Bikini Bloodbath Carwash (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Jonathan Gorman
Thomas Edward Seymour

STARRING
Debbie Rochon - Mrs. Johnson
Rachael Robbins - Jenny
Robert Cosgrove Jr. - Chef Death
Phil Hall - Professor Shipwreck
Dick Boland - Dr. Zartan


Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 73 Minutes

Score - 2 Howls Outta 4


Sometimes, I feel like I'm missing out not having a driver's license. No, it's not because I want to drive the newest automobile. It's also not about having the freedom to drive anywhere within the Continental United States. What I'm really missing out on is...

...HAVING MY CAR WASHED BY HOT CHICKS IN BIKINIS!! WHOOHOO!!!

Oh man, I would die and go to heaven to sit inside a car and watch a hot chick use her boobs [the real or the real expensive kind] as sponges to wipe away the dirt on my windshield. And if it's a real hot day and she has to hose herself down to stay cool? Can you say "massive boner"? Sure, I'd probably be a witness in their murders due to a resurrected French chef, but the view would be more than worth it.

Wish I can say the same for BIKINI BLOODBATH CAR WASH, the first sequel to BIKINI BLOODBATH - a film I disliked very much. Surprisingly, the sequel is actually better than the original flick. But it's not alot of progress and is still lacking in what it wants to do for its audience. Still, I can't say that BIKINI BLOODBATH CAR WASH bored me. So that's a positive, right?

PLOT
The plot is pretty similar to the original. The characters from the first flick are back [how some of them survived being killed in the last one is never explained - not sure if I care to begin with], but this time they're in college and working at a car wash run by proud lesbian Ms. Johnson (Debbie Rochon). The girls, who are highly unintelligent and somewhat annoying, use their T and their A to raise money for whatever reason. Anyway, they have some sort of slumber party and end up doing a seance. This act revives the once-dead Chef Death (Robert Cosgrove Jr.), who plans on finishing his human stew by getting revenge on those he murdered in the last one. Riiiiight.

So Ms. Johnson invites the girls to a party where she pretty much tells them to shut up and fetch her beer to quench her thirst for beaver. Some of the male college students show up [I know this because they have "COLLEGE STUDENT" on their T-shirts] and the party is on. Well, that is until Chef Death crashes the party and begins killing the idiotic cast one-by-one in the least thrilling way possible.

REVIEW
BIKINI BLOODBATH CAR WASH
is not a great film at all. For a horror film, it's not remotely scary or even thrilling. There's like 15 minutes of filler to make the film longer [and it's only 73 minutes long!]. It's pretty much the same crap as the first film, but this time the production values are a bit better. Also, the screenplay isn't a total disaster. So while it's not much of an improvement over the last one, at least it shows the makers of BIKINI BLOODBATH CAR WASH are taking steps in the right direction if they want to keep this franchise going.

Like I mentioned before, the screenplay is a bit better than the original. The story is still simple. The characters, unfortunately, are still as paper-thin as one would expect. As a matter of fact, most of them are still annoying and hard to root for. Especially the killer, who doesn't even matter much in these films. He's just another dude, as far as I'm concerned. What's the point in doing a horror film of any kind if you don't build up your characters or your villain? It just boggles my mind at how lazy the filmmakers of this film are. Sure, looking at hot chicks jiggle what they got is great. But we also want a solid, concrete plot. We want content, not 7 interludes with characters dancing to really horrible rock music. Just a little semblence of a story would be nice. I gave this a break in the first one, but it just irritates me in the sequel.

I will say that the dialogue in the film has been greatly improved, as I actually laughed WITH the characters this time instead of laughing AT them. Some of the lines were actually pretty funny. I think two of my favorite ones were "hand-fisted cunt" and "fuck me hard in the ass". There was a great use of double entendre and sexual innuendos that no one will miss. The dialogue definitely made this film more than bearable. Too bad [besides Ms. Johnson] all sounded the same.

There's also a homage to G.I. Joe in this film. One of the perverted professors is named Professor Shipwreck, even wearing a sailor's cap like the cartoon character does. We have an appearance by Cobra Commander [or known as Community College Commander] that was more annoying and a waste of time than anything. Talk about pushing a joke too far. Even Ms. Johnson is kind of dressed like The Baroness. It's obvious Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour are huge G.I. Joe fans. I thought it was cute, even if it didn't totally work.

What didn't work were those 7 interludes where characters just danced to music. I didn't like it in the first one and I sure didn't like it here. Thank God for the fast-forward button on my DVD. The only one that worked was the "Beat It" segment with Debbie Rochon and another actress having a mock knife fight at the car wash. I thought that was pretty funny since the cast pretty much imitated the Michael Jackson video to a tee.

I also had beef that the much of the film doesn't exactly take place at the car wash. No bloodbath there whatsoever. Huh?

The gore SFX here were pretty bad. Really fake looking stuff and CGI that makes Super Mario Bros. [the original 1985 NES game] look realistic. Not that there was a lot of BLOODBATH in this film anyway.

The direction by Jonathan Gorman and Thomas Edward Seymour was actually better here than it was in BIKINI BLOODBATH. The pacing was a bit better and the editing was tighter. It was still your typical point and shoot fest here to compensate the lack of a major budget, but it visually didn't look horrible. Still no tension or suspense though. And barely any boobs either. Small steps. Small steps.

The acting was still pretty bad. It's supposed to be, obviously, so I can't take points off for that. And the cast is obviously having fun again here. I will say that Debbie Rochon is the highlight of the film as Ms. Johnson, the butch lesbian owner of the car wash. Her delivery was very good and she had the best dialogue out of everyone. I was pretty much chuckling at some of the things she would say or do. Nice to see her in a much larger role compared to the original.

And the music was pretty crummy in this film. I did like the one about "Don't Bust My Fuckin' Balls". Those five words were the only lyrics in the entire song and I laughed when I heard the dude singing it over and over again. But it's basic generic hair metal rock that not even Bret Michaels would touch.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE GETTING A RIM JOB...ON MY CAR

- Professor Shipwreck wears a sailor's cap on his head at all times. You have to admire a man who enjoys sea men and isn't afraid to show it.

- Some chick received a grade of "FUCK YOU" on an exam. Mary Kay Letourneau did the same with her students. And look how THAT turned out...

- Some other chick doodled "I Heart Cock" by drawing a penis and hairy balls. Judging by the size of that penis, she's only into Asian men.

- Girls who wash cars do better at shaking their asses than cleaning automobiles. Judging from their work ethic, none of these ladies have any broken headlights.

- The "College Students" did some break-dancing at the carwash. I'm not sure about the dancing but something was definitely broken in this segment.

- "Sodomy upsets Jenny." I can't say the same for Clay Aiken.

- Dr. Zartan told one of his students that he had a "six inch surprise" for her, which she thought might be a squirrel since he mentioned it involved nuts. Obviously neither one is Asian.

- Dr. Zartan likes to roleplay and act and dress like a little girl. He better rub the lotion on the skin or else he'll have to get the hose again!

- Some bimbo was murdered while peeing on the toilet. She was one sandwich short from being Elvis Presley.

THE FINAL HOWL
Slightly better than the first but still lacking in alot of areas, BIKINI BLOODBATH CARWASH wasn't a total failure and better than I was expecting it to be. Debbie Rochon was pretty cool in the flick and the dialogue was mostly worth chuckling at. But the interludes, the lack of decent gore, and the one-dimensional characters still bring the film down. Let's see if this year's installment, BIKINI BLOODBATH CHRISTMAS, improves on some of these things. I'm not sure if I'll be seeing it though. No one wants that lump of coal in their stocking.


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