Jimmy Haynes - Detective Haynes
Jesse Fitzgerald - The Chief
Matt Kostovny - Vance Woodrum
Joshua Fandry - Smooth
Brent Fiegel - Rev. Rick Richardson
Jason Wooten - Detective Wooten
Billy K. - Himself
Bill Dorsey - Street Singer
Craig Bolton - The Barker
Genre - Horror/Slasher/Musical/Porn
Running Time - 56 Minutes
Score - BOMB
To be a film critic, one must have the virtues of patience and tolerance. We would all love to watch great films and discuss them at length. But to get to those great films, we must suffer for our art and watch the crap these great films left behind. If you're me, you intentionally watch bad films just so you can rip them apart for your self-entertainment and others. But sometimes, there are films that you walk into blindly, making you wish you had never seen them at all.
This risk usually occurs when you're offered a screener to watch some independent horror film that a bunch of "filmmakers" put together to show the world that they want to be part of the New Wave of Horror. Take for example the film I'm reviewing here called GONE THE WAY OF FLESH. That title sounds inticing, doesn't it? Oh, and it's a slasher film too? And wait a minute...there are quotes from Tom Savini, Herschell Gordon Lewis, and Lloyd Kaufman praising this film? Oh man! GONE THE WAY OF FLESH should be awesome!
Looks like I've been bamboozled again. GONE THE WAY OF FLESH is one of the worst films I have ever seen in my life and probably the worst indie horror flick I've seen ever. Tie me up, gag me, and kill me now...PLEASE!
Some indie rock band named The Jason Martinko Revue plays some shows in strip clubs and pubs and probably a Bar Mitzvah - I'm not really sure. Even though only like five people actually go to their shows, the band seems to have created some sort of ninja-suit wearing PROM NIGHT reject who has a fascination with kidnapping some of the band's female groupies. This person's M.O. seems to involve tying them up in his basement and gagging them, performing unauthorized surgery and playing with their guts. Everyone needs a hobby, I guess.
Some dumbass detective (Jimmy Haynes) is on the case, but can't seem to figure out who the killer is. Of course he can't! The band only has five fans for each show. The person who's there everytime can't be the killer. I know, right? Anyway, there's some other crap involving drugs, bar fights, strippers fucking each other with strap ons, and overlong music interludes to promote The Jason Martinko Revue. Yeah this film sure pushes the boundaries - of boredom and tolerance!
I have three words for GONE THE WAY OF FLESH:
WHAT THE FUCK!?
I honestly don't know where to begin with this...film. I've seen some bad indie screeners, but GONE THE WAY OF FLESH is in a league of its own. For 56 minutes, it feels like an eternity to watch a bunch of bullshit lead to absolutely nothing in the end. I honestly wish I had a time machine so I can go back in time and refuse to review this movie. GONE THE WAY OF FLESH is definitely one of the worst films I've seen in my entire life.
Here's my problem: I have no idea how to review this film. Why? Because it doesn't seem to know what it wants to be. Is it a horror film? Is it a very long promotional music video? Is it porn? Is it a piece of shit? Well the last one is easy to answer - YES! However, I'm at a loss as to how to approach GONE THE WAY OF FLESH.
Well I can discuss the story. There really isn't one, to be honest. The whole stalker-kills-groupie angle appears to be the focus of the film. But with so much other shit going on, you're never sure. Anyway, the angle is executed horribly. It's not scary. It's not suspenseful. The victims just pop up and get tortured and killed within 3 minutes of seeing them on screen. I mean, what's the point? Why should I care about some skanky looking chicks who have no depth or characterization AT ALL getting murdered by some dickhead? Why should I care for a killer who probably has, at most, 5 minutes of screentime in the entire film? You know what I care about? Skipping 90210 to watch this crap! And I gotta say, why do all the victims have to undress before getting attacked by this guy? Sure, it's nice to see chicks in their bras and panties. But after a while, you get bored with the whole routine. Variety would be appreciated.
The whole stalker subplot just seems like an afterthought compared to the amount of time The Jason Martinko Revue is given the spotlight. They sing four songs, none of which impressed me much, and they all seem like music videos not even YouTube would play. This is a 56 minute film. Why waste 20 minutes on the director's band? Oh, I guess that would be my answer. Mr. Martinko, you're either a filmmaker or a musician. If you're gonna do a horror film, keep the music interludes away and craft a story that's actually interesting, mysterious, and most of all, watchable! I had to fast forward through them because they became monotonous. And there was one interlude where the lip-syncing was so bad that I swore Ashlee Simpson was gonna pop out and do a jig to the embarrassment of the crowd. Enough is enough! It's obvious this was what Mr. Martinko was most concerned with. Thanks for wasting my time, jackass!
There are also a lot of other things I disliked. The drug use in the film was extremely cliched. People snort cocaine. Some stupid bitches shoot themselves with heroin, I think. Yet do these situations add anything to GONE THE WAY OF FLESH? Absolutely not. So why the fuck bother? And the porn stuff. Look I love lesbians getting it on as much as the next straight guy. But it was a little too much for this kind of film, I think. Shots of full on vadge and labias in your face, as well as scenes of people eating some chick's box and a scene where a stripper is getting fucked by a strap on attached to another stripper is just some of the fun things GONE THE WAY OF FLESH provides. But since they don't add ANYTHING to the film, I really don't give a fuck. And it wasn't even good porn either. Wasting baby oil on this would be a crime. I should have realized that the opening credits where a topless chick twirls flaming batons for the entire 3 minute duration would tell me how this movie would end up. But thanks for the visuals anyway.
The gore and torture stuff didn't impress me at all. Like I said, there was no suspense or tension to any of these scenes, rendering them uneffective. Especially when some of them happened during a musical interlude by who else - The Jason Martinko Revue. It didn't work in GRADUATION DAY and it doesn't work here. And the gore isn't really good. We get some fake blood and what appears to be fake guts. Plus there's scenes where a girl gets sliced open [and looks really fake] and a girl hanging from a meat hook and getting her foot severed with one slice. The Ginzu knife can't even do that and it can cut through anything. I'm sure the filmmakers salivated over the stuff they could spend with only $700. As for me? Only boredom.
The direction of the film was extremely amateurish. The editing was decent but the pacing was terrible and it didn't even feel like a horror film. The visuals were also very badly done. GONE THE WAY OF FLESH looked like it was half shot on DV and half shot on security camcorder video. I'm sure VHS footage was used here somewhere. The $700 budget shows [an attic was visibly used for a police station - what does that tell you?] and that should never happen, especially in indie films. The film needed to be tightened and focused on the tortures and its victims. But instead, Jordan McMillen and Jason Martinko would rather focus on the band stuff. That's not what I came to see and for that, not a great directorial job.
The acting was all over the place. No one is really horrible, but no one stands out either. I guess Jimmy Haynes and Joshua Fandry, who played drug dealer and pimp Smooth, were the best of the lot. They delivered lines decently. Matt Kostovny as anchorman Vance Woodrum was a horrible actor but at least he was kind of bad in a funny way. No one else was memorable. Not that I would have cared anyway.
And the ending is just ridiculous. The killer is caught, but happens to fight back and walks away. We never know who he or she is or why he or she does what he or she does. The end.
WHAT THE FUCK??
You mean I watched this film for THAT? You know what? Let's just end this review. I'm sick of talking about this piece of monkey shit!
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE SUFFERING THROUGH GONE THE WAY OF FLESH
- The "Maybe me and my ballsack will become friends with your chin" pick-up line doesn't turn on hot slutty women. They'll instead make sure your ballsack will become friends with their fists, knees, or feet. In this case, three friends is not better than one.
- Don't wash a stained dress in a public bathroom sink. The white trash police will smash your face into a mirror. Save the dress as evidence for a political scandal or something.
- Pills and alcohol are a dangerous combination. Unless you're watching this film. Then it's understandable.
- Vance Woodrum wonders if we'll ever listen to music again without fear. Is Celine Dion still performing? Then the answer is no.
- Having an apple after seeing The Jason Martinko Revue isn't gonna do much good. It'll keep the doctor away, but not the dude who'll kill you. Or the coroner. Or the poor guy who's gonna have to write and read your eulogy. Let's just say there will be a long line waiting to kick your ass for wasting their time in Hell.
- Don't snort more cocaine than you can handle. If you're not Tony Montana, Amy Winehouse, or Kate Moss, it's just gonna end up really bad for you.
THE FINAL HOWL
GONE THE WAY OF FLESH - just ignore it. Forget it even exists. Don't even bother remembering that I wrote this review. Just let it go. Let. It. Go. Please for your sake.
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