The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Do You Wanna Know A Secret? (2001)

Thomas Bradford

Dorie Barton - Beth Morgan
Joseph Lawrence - Hank Ford
Jeff Conaway - Agent Owen Sacker
Tom Jay Jones - Oz Washington
Chad Allen - Brad Adams
Leonora Scelfo - Tina Webster
Elsie Escobar - Nellie Lopez
Britton Purvis - Tom Barton

Genre - Horror/Slasher/Mystery

Running Time - 96 Minutes

Score - BOMB

Being a member of Netflix, I'm always greeted by a series of recommendations for films that are similar to the ones I have in my queue or have rated. Since my number one genre on Netflix is horror, I get tons of recommendations for films I have never heard of in my life. It's pretty awesome I think because I'm always looking for new stuff, but I usually don't bother researching these recommendations or even adding them to my queue.

The other day, however, I actually added one of these recommendations in my queue called DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?. What compelled me to add this film, I have no idea. It had so many things going against it that should have stopped me from doing so.

1. It's a slasher flick from the early 2000s.

2. It has Joey, I'm sorry, JOSEPH Lawrence from Blossom and Chad Allen from My Two Dads in it. Yeah...

3. A sober Jeff Conaway is playing a cop. If he ain't going through withdrawal, he's not worth my time.

4. The plot sounds eerily similar to another slasher flick from the late 1990s. This can't be good.

Still, I put it to the top of my queue and watched it last night, hoping that it would surprise me. Let me ask you a question: DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?

(looks from left to right to make sure no one listens)

This movie sucks harder than Sienna Miller on Balthazar Getty's dick. Surprise!

Some blonde hair college dude who wears tighter jeans than most women ends up getting killed by some ridiculous looking killer. The only clue left by the killer is a note that reads "Do you wanna know a secret?" I really didn't want to know but I had to find out in order to review this crap.

Anyway, a year passes and the dude's girlfriend Beth (Dorie Barton) and her new boytoy Hank (Joseph Lawrence) decide to go to Spring Break with four of their friends to get laid and party like rockstars. The four friends happen to be stereotypes: the token black dude Oz (Tom Jay Jones), the asshole Brad (Chad Allen), the drunk slut Tina (Leonora Scelfo), and the angry Latina chick Nellie (Elsie Escobar). They end up staying at a beach house, ready to have fun on their vacation. "Coincidentally", these friends end up dying one by one as the words "Do you wanna know a secret?" are written everywhere. I'm talking about on a computer monitor, shower curtains, windows, my 12-inch cock - everywhere! Beth keeps seeing the killer around, knowing the person is somewhat connected to her. Who can it be? Is it Jennifer Love Hewitt? Is it Sarah Michelle Gellar? Is it Ryan Phillippe? Is it Freddie Prinze, Jr.? Is it Jack Black returning as that annoying Jamaican motherfucker from the sequel? Am I thinking of another movie that's actually better than this one? Yep.

I have three words for DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET? that shouldn't be a secret:


I should have known I would be torturing myself with this fuckin' film. What a waste of time DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET? is. Why did I honestly think that maybe this could be a good horror flick? It has Joey fuckin' Lawrence as the male lead for God's sakes! The fact that this film made me want to watch a 24 hour marathon of Blossom episodes shows how lame this movie is. DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET? is honestly the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

Kermit Christman and Del Tenney wrote the piece of shit screenplay, or as I like to call it, plagarized it from I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. They took everything that was good about IKWYDLS and replaced it with annoying characters, bad actors, lame murder sequences, and a twist ending that you can figure out 20 minutes in. And as bad ISKWYDLS is, I would rather watch that 100 times than watch 5 minutes of this.

The characters are all annoyingly horrible that you wish someone would nuke them all to save yourself 80 minutes of your time to watch something else. Beth is the blonde "final girl" character who's trying to be like Jennifer Love Hewitt but looks like a manlier Reese Witherspoon. The problem is that she doesn't have big tits, she isn't cute at all, and possesses not even 1/100th of the acting talent Hewitt has. She thinks she's crazy. She acts like a jealous bitch. And she has a thing for Joey Lawrence. Ew! Speaking of Lawrence, Hank is the male lead himbo with the big muscles but really tiny brain [I'm sure that's not the only organ on his body that's small]. He tries to be a nice guy but distracts you with his well-groomed features that most women would be jealous over. He's also a kickboxer. Yeah, let's say that he won't be in any tournaments anytime soon. And he likes to say "Hip hop hooray" alot too. Ugh...

The other characters are just as bad. Brad is the dickhead you want dead the moment you lay eyes on him. He enjoys rubbing it in to Beth that her boyfriend was brutally murdered and enjoys playing Doom on his laptop. Yeah, great guy. The token black guy, Oz, is embarrassing to watch. Especially since he likes to correct people with the proper slang for all the cool kids to understand him. I keep forgetting today's youth doesn't know any proper English and wouldn't be able to understand their own language without subtitles. Thanks, Oz. At least he doesn't die first although he's called "boy" and arrested because he's black. Nice to see the Civil Rights movement still being practiced today! Tina is the slut and has no shame in hiding it. Too bad she looked like her pimp smacked her around a bit after she left her corner before heading on this trip. But then beauty is subjective, isn't it? And Nellie was the typical Latina chick who liked sex and had an attitude. Oh yeah...this is gonna appeal to the minorities. Fuckin' idiots.

And then there's the killer. You barely ever seen him or her, which is plus. You gotta see what this person's costume looks like. I can't even explain how silly it is. It's like this person went to the 99 cent store and bought the cheapest looking ensemble he or she could buy. I actually laughed when I saw the mask. Oh my God, why would anyone think this would scare people? It's so pathetic to look at! Michael Jackson looks scarier and that's his face!! This was just comedic.

The gore? Non-existent. Sure there's blood, a decapitated head, and a shot of someone's throat that's been slit. But do we actually see the people being killed? No. What the fuck is the point then? And there's no nudity either! This is a R-rated horror flick and it doesn't have guts and T&A? BULLSHIT!!

The direction by Thomas Bradford is absolutely terrible. He attempts to direct this as if he's making his own I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER film. But no secret - he fails miserably at it. Pacing? Totally off. Tension? Suspense? Scares? Oh, who needs that? Even the cinematography and editing wasn't all that great. The only good thing Bradford did was cut away from Joey Lawrence's junk when he was in the shower. If I had seen his "Whoa!", I would have found this hack of a director and told him my secret. And that secret involves sharp weapons that boys like me shouldn't be playing with because I'm not totally right in the head when I get pissed off by the worst film I have ever witnessed! Great. Now I'm twitching and hearing the voices again....

The acting is abysmal from everyone. Dorie Barton is as bland of an actress as they come. She's not even hot to look at either [which could have helped at least], so she's pointless. Jeff Conaway watched every cop show he could find and took every bad aspect about them to create his character. This dude was a walking cliche. No wonder he got hooked on drugs. See what you did, Thomas Bradford!? Chad Allen played an actor trying to act like a dickhead but only making me bored instead. Didn't work, douchebag. Tom Jay Jones, Leonora Scelfo, and Elsie Escobar were eh. Honestly, the best actor was Joseph Lawrence, yet he sucked too but on a lesser level. When the dude from Blossom is your best performance, you know your movie is in trouble.


- Some blonde dude was looking for his girlfriend, Beth, in the Men's Bathroom. If that's the first place you look for your honey when she's missing, then something's not right. God, I hate it when chicks pee standing up.

- Some slut wanted to show her tits in exchange for a taco. So that's how Portia de Rossi landed Ellen! Nice trade!

- Beth told Hank that if he was cheating on him, she would cut off his bits. I got one word to say about that: WHOA!

- The core group of friends have their own rhyme that unites them as one. If this is what real friends do, then I'm glad I'm a loner.

- Tina wished she could be a bitch. Bending over in front of me and barking like a dog would be a great start. Woof!

- Beth was furious when she caught Hank kissing Tina in front of her. Well maybe if Beth didn't hang out in the Men's Bathroom so much, maybe Hank would be more interested. Sometimes, a guy doesn't want a prostate exam!

- Nellie got scared when the token black guy, Oz, popped up with a knife in his hand. Silly goose. Black people use guns, not knives. Sheesh. Some people are so ignorant!

- Brad, played by Chad Allen, was stabbed to death. No big deal. He gets stabbed every night. Only except that it's in his bedroom and it doesn't involve knives. Can you taste the rainbow?

- Hank is the worst kickboxer ever, yet he managed to beat up a couple of dudes. Gimme A Break! Maybe if he stopped getting his spa treatments and actually studied something other than metrosexuality [nice eyeliner], his skills would Blossom.

- "People aren't supposed to die on vacation." Wait, so they're supposed to die at home? Who the fuck writes this shit!?

- Some racist police officer called Oz "boy". Unless you're The Tall Man, calling a black person by that word is not only offensive, but it's gonna get your ass capped. Word.

I can go on and on about how much you'd be wasting your time with DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?. But then again, I'm attempting to repress this horrible piece of "cinema". Don't buy. Don't rent. Don't watch. After you read this, just erase it from your mind that it even exists. Don't even let it kiss your ass because it'll taint that very act. It may save you a trip to the mental asylum. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write an apology letter to the makers of BLOODY MURDER. Hmph. You fucked me over, Netflix! You owe me big time!

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails