Donald Pleasance - Dr. Sam Loomis
Danielle Harris - Jamie Lloyd
Ellie Cornell - Rachel Corruthers
Wendy Kaplan - Tina
Jonathan Chapin - Mike
Matthew Walker - Spitz
Tamara Glynn - Samantha
Jeffrey Landham - Billy
Don Shanks - Michael Myers/The Shape
Year - 1989
Score - 0.5 Howls Outta 4
In 1988, HALLOWEEN fans rejoiced when they're favorite serial killer, Michael Myers, returned to haunt Haddonfield in HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS. The 10th anniversary sequel was a hit among fans and even most critics, making good cash at the box office and topping that same box office for two weeks in a row, showing that the franchise still had life in it. Michael Myers was back to being the intelligent badass of the original film, while a young actress named Danielle Harris proved a worthy successor to Jamie Lee Curtis. Plus the film had a good story, good direction, great characters, and just an overall creepy atmosphere that the original film had. And the ending - what a great ending it was to further advance the story of Haddonfield that could breathe some new life into the franchise. While unnecessary, HALLOWEEN 4 was a great installment to the franchise and after the conclusion of it, the fans were eager to see what would come next.
But since the fans loved the ending of HALLOWEEN 4 so much because it made sense in context to the story, Moustapha Akkad [the executive producer of the franchise], decided to turn the other cheek and just ignore it in the next installment. This is what I call being a pussy. Instead of having balls to extend HALLOWEEN 4's ending and create a new chapter in the Myers storyline through Jamie Lloyd, Akkad felt that it would have been too complicated to explain what happened with Jamie and that fans wouldn't be too into that story without Michael Myers being involved. Because after all, HALLOWEEN fans are a bunch of dumbasses who only care about Michael Myers killing stupid characters and not much else. Fuck intelligence. Fuck the character. Hell, fuck the fans. Michael Myers brings in money, so let's milk the guy until he's dried up. So Akkad brought Michael Myers back from supposed death [again] for HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS. Wanting to make Michael Myers as big of a horror icon as Freddy Kruger and Jason Voorhees, Akkad let screenwriters and directors turn the once cerebral villain into a crying, confused mess of a killer who murdered people for no reason whatsoever [like Jason]. And while Jamie Lloyd's actions at the end of HALLOWEEN 4 were explained in the most convoluted way possible, Akkad decided that the fans had the right to know why Michael was doing what he was doing. There had to be an explanation as to why he wants to kill his sister and then his neice. Because after all, the guy couldn't be just an evil psychopath who likes killing people. He couldn't just be the embodiment of death in that little town of Haddonfield. No, there had to be a reason for his madness. So the Man In Black [not Johnny Cash] and The Thorn storyline were introduced in this installment and take precedence in the next sequel, HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS. Why this was done? I have no fuckin' clue. All it did was confuse fans and insult their intelligence. The fact that this film barely made a dent at the box office proves that fact. It also didn't help that the film was released just a year after HALLOWEEN 4, making the film feel rushed [proven by the lousy script and the useless amount of dumbass characters that were rejects from FRIDAY THE 13TH sequels]. And don't get me started on the director. HALLOWEEN 5 was the beginning of the end of what could have been a very well-made and interesting franchise.
Taking place where we left off in HALLOWEEN 4, we get a recap of Michael Myers (Don Shanks) getting shot to shit by the Haddonfield Police Force as they force The Shape into a mineshaft to be buried alive and crushed to death. But since this is a HALLOWEEN sequel that's made for a quick buck, Michael escapes his supposed demise by crawling out of the mineshaft and falls into a river [while his mask magically changes shape], only to be rescued by some old dude in a shack. Michael apparently passes out [probably realizing that this film is gonna suck and wants to be uncnscious for as long as possible] and takes a nap for an entire year.
A year passes and we see Jamie Lloyd (Danielle Harris) in a psychiatric clinic of some sorts after the events of HALLOWEEN 4. Instead of continuing her descent into evil like her uncle, the screenwriter chickens out of that deal and creates another reason for her actions. Apparently after touching Michael's hand at the end of HALLOWEEN 4, Jamie was able to create a psychic link between herself and Michael [Jesus...]. Not able to say anything due to her trauma, she can't verbally warn people when Michael wakes up and begins his trick-or-treating again. Able to see and feel his every move, the more insane than ever Dr. Loomis (a very bored Donald Pleasance) pretty much harasses Jamie into helping him find Michael and ending his rage once and for all. We also meet some dude dressed in black with steel-toed boots with a Thorn symbol on his wrist that looks alot like Michael's [even though he didn't have that symbol in the other films]. Are they connected? Do you even give a shit?
HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS is the worst film of the franchise [even though HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION comes damn close]. So I gotta ask: Who exactly does Michael get revenge on? Jamie Lloyd? Nah. Dr. Loomis? Nope. The town of Haddonfield? Not really. I got it! The fans of HALLOWEEN who expected at least a decent sequel and paid their hard earned cash to get one! This film is the equivalent of watching George W. Bush read a Dr. Suess book out loud, and it feels just as long and boring too. This film pisses on the legacy that John Carpenter created with the original HALLOWEEN, as it just confuses and frustrates the fans to near-suicidal levels. I rather go on a driving spree with a coked-up Lindsay Lohan than watch this film. It's just really bad.
Let me begin with the director, Dominique Othenin-Girard. What a fuckin' hack if I've ever saw one! Was this his first film? Because it seemed like it. Shit, I've seen YouTube videos better directed than this mess. The man doesn't know anything about tension, suspense, mood, pace, editing, or how to direct actors into giving good performances. And his treatment of Michael Myers - good God. What made HALLOWEEN, HALLOWEEN II, and HALLOWEEN 4 work as scary films was the fact that Michael would hide somewhere, making us wonder when and where he would pop up to begin his carnage. In this film, Girard doesn't even bother hiding the guy, giving us his point of view in every fuckin' scene and showing us EXACTLY where he's hiding! Look at him behind the trees! Oooh, he's out the window! He's in the closet! Watch out! What the fuck!? I thought this was a horror movie! Why would you show your killer in every fuckin' scene possible!? That ruins suspense! We're supposed to be scared of this guy! Being shown everywhere only makes him annoying. It's like the dude was playing Where's Waldo, egging us to spot him. Even the murders are boring and not well-shot at all. Girard is an horrible director and he needs to stay away from the filmmaking process. Uwe Boll would have directed this film better, and that's fuckin' sad to write!
Then we have the script. This story is a waste of ink and the paper it was written on. Just awful. The characters are written badly and the story is still confusing for its own good. Michael Myers finally unmasked? Umm, he was unmasked at the end of the original HALLOWEEN, dumbasses. Whoever wrote this script was obviously not a fan of the series. And who's bright idea was to kill Rachel in the first twenty minutes of the film? Of course she would get ridden of because she was probably the most normal and sympathetic character in the cast. We can't have something good like that in this film! And then we have Rachel's friends. Oh God...the worst HALLOWEEN characters EVER! They brought NOTHING to this film other than annoyance and the urge to press the stop button. All they did was have sex and get killed. Am I watching a HALLOWEEN film or a throwaway FRIDAY THE 13th? They were just frustrating to watch. Especially Wendy Kaplan's Tina. If there's anyone I could force into spending a week in Britney Spears' filthy crab-infested, genital warts infected vagina, it would be this stupid bitch. She really tested my nerve and probably raised by blood pressure due to anger towards her horrible performance. And she was one of the LEADS! I'll get back to her ass later but I've never hated anyone in a horror film like I do this girl. And any script that has any kid stuttering like a dumbass, a mute girl, two bumbling police guys, horrible teenage dialogue that makes LAGUNA BEACH award-worthy, a killer who cries, and a really stupid ending deserves to be burnt in the flames of Hell. Whatever HALLOWEEN 4 started was destroyed within 5 minutes of this film. At least the Man-In-Black subplot introduced here is somewhat intriguing, though I wish it were never done when we learn all about this subplot in THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS. How sad.
The music is also terrible in this film. The HALLOWEEN theme is massacred beyond compare. I didn't think it could be possible to make the theme unscary, but someone managed to do it! And most of the time, the theme was used during the wrong moments, ruining all tension and suspense. And the clown effects with those two idiot cops, ugh! Was that supposed to make me laugh, because it didn't. Who knew that I would actually miss that stupid Silver Shamrock song? At annoying as that song is, at least I can sing along to it. An uneventful score if I ever heard one.
And the acting was just as bad as the film is. I feel really sorry for Donald Plesance that his two of his last films had to be two of the worst HALLOWEEN movies ever made. Dr. Loomis is such an interesting character, but he's almost as annoying as Tina in this film. Pleasance was way over-the-top, and made Loomis so insane and violent that it made me wonder if this was the same guy we've seen in the past films. His conviction as an actor isn't visible at all, as he just seems bored and upset to be part of this film. At least he knew he was in a piece of shit film. Not at all the caliber of performance we're used from Pleasance. Very disappointing.
Ellie Cornell as Rachel is very good again in her short role. She's still the same real and sympathetic character that we love in HALLOWEEN 4. Too bad they only had her in one scene with Danielle Harris, as their relationship in HALLOWEEN 4 was one of the best things about that film. I hate the fact that they got rid of her so quickly, and for what? For Jamie to see her dead at the end? It didn't even really feel important, which is upsetting. Just a waste of an opportunity for a good character and actress.
Don Shanks as Michael Myers - whatever. Didn't scare me at all. And that mask was horrible. I can't even describe how bad it looks. He looks like a court jester without the make-up. Whoever designed that look deserves to get stabbed by Michael Myers. But Shanks is a good cryer, I'll give him that. And how come he wasn't burnt when he unmasked himself? Boy, this review just gets worse and worse, doesn't it?
Wendy Kaplan as Tina, again, annoyed the fuck out of me. If anyone should have died under that Silver Shamrock mask, it should be this bimbo. Horrible over-the-top acting that not only embarrasses the legacy of the original HALLOWEEN, but the fans as well. What a fuckin' dumbass and she owes me 3 bucks for Tylenol relief. I thought some of my ex-girlfriends were bad, but this bitch takes the cake. I wish Michael had gotten rid of her sooner. I rather see the actors of TROLL 2 in this film over this fuckin' woman. I rather see Paris Hilton shop all day and hear her say "That's hot!" for 5 straight hours than watch this bitch on screen. And they killed Rachel to give Tina a bigger role!? Ugh!
And there's other useless characters. Like Jonathan Chapin's Mike, who was nothing but a wannabe greaseball tough guy that even Verne Troyer could beat the crap out of. When his car is more interesting than its owner, there's a problem. And Matthew Walker as Spitz [looks more like a swallower to me], who had to be the quickest balding 18-19 year old ever. All he did was give off a goofy smile as if his shit didn't stink. But it did, Spitz. It did. Not even Febreeze can rid the smell away. Tamara Glynn as Samantha was the hot blonde virgin [sorry if I can't help but laugh over that one]. That was pretty much it. Great job! And Jeffrey Landham as Billy...G-G-G-God he was annoying. I wish Michael would have rammed his ass with his car. I don't mind people who stutter but he really pushed my buttons.
At least we have Danielle Harris, who did another decent-to-good job as Jamie Lloyd. While her mute act was kind of tedious, she did a good job as a girl who was traumatized and scared of her uncle. Harris showed some depth for her badly written character, which is impressive since she was 11-years-old at the time. She handled the new powers thing well and you are still sympathetic to her plight through her very well-done emotional performance. Her scene in the vent with Michael stabbing through it was probably the only worthwhile scene in the entire film [especially since no stunt people were used for that scene] as it created tension and you kept hoping she'd get out of there alive. She's the best actress in the entire film and it's sad that she was not allowed to continue the role in the next HALLOWEEN sequel. But I'll get to that in the next review.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WATCHING THIS DISAPPOINTING FILM
1) Jamie lost the ability to speak after the traumatizing events she suffered through in HALLOWEEN 4. How come this didn't happen to Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears after their traumatic events? The world would be a much better place. Sometimes life isn't fair.
2) Jamie received a note saying that "The Evil Child Must Die!" I'm sure Paris Hilton received the same note when she was younger. Oh well...
3) Dogs sense evil nearby. Yet Paris Hilton always carries one around. Doesn't make sense.
4) Dr. Loomis was talking about something that was "nothing...no expression...blank...". Hey, who's reviewing this film: Me or Donald Pleasance!?
5) The Myers House went from a normal looking house to a Victorian Mansion. Ty Pennington and his EXTREME MAKEOVER crew will build a home for anyone, won't they?
6) Tina gave Michael Myers his first on-screen kiss. He's gonna stab her with more than just a butcher knife, if you know what I mean.
7) While Michael kills dogs, he refuses to murder kittens. Because after all, even psychotic serial killers love the pussy.
8) When you're boyfriend's idea of foreplay is putting on a condom, it's time to find another boyfriend. Actually, don't even bother. You both will probably end up dead anyway.
9) People move faster than cars. Or Haddonfield has a really low speed limit. Since this film is retarded, I could give a fuck.
10) Underneath the mask, Michael Myers is crying. So was I, Mikey. So was I. It's not right that you had to end up in a crappy, unneeded sequel. Poor guy.
THE FINAL HOWL
HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS is a waste of celluoid. Not even the crisp, remastered picture and sound of the Divimax DVD can hide the fact that this film sucks. This is the weakest installment of the franchise and wouldn't get better until HALLOWEEN: H20 actually. It's not scary, it's not suspenseful, the characters are borderline braindead - not even Danielle Harris' emotional performance as Jamie Lloyd can save this mess. If you love the HALLOWEEN series, check this one out to see the beginning of a dying franchise. If you're just a casual HALLOWEEN fan, skip this film [and THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS] and go straight to HALLOWEEN: H20. You're not missing much with this one.